The Man Without the Golden Boot

The Guardian

 

James Bond sat at his desk, contemplating an easy day ahead. Perhaps a long lunch, then take the Bentley down to Sussex and, after a round of golf, some relaxation with Felicity. Or Fiona. Or...the red telephone buzzed and he was instantly alert.
"Right away, please". It was Miss Moneypenny, M's fearsome secretary. Bond snapped to his feet and made his way to the eighth floor.
"Morning, gorgeous" he began as he opened the door but she was tight-lipped "He's waiting, James". Bond shrugged and went straight in to the room beyond.

"Sit down 007". M, a half-smoked cheroot held absently in his left hand, gestured to the chair and Bond, without a word, knowing that something very big was up, obeyed. "Now then, 007, we have a crisis. Last night the entire kit of the England football team was stolen."

"Surely that's impossible" Bond blurted and M nodded "As heavily guarded as the crown jewels but nonetheless it happened. CIA are clamping down on the news but it will break in a day or so. We've got to get that kit back before then or God knows what may happen. Big match coming up. You know what might follow if we lose. Smithers at the Bank of England thinks there could be a run on the pound, or worse. Bond, you're on the next plane to Miami."
"On my way, sir"

-&-&-&-&-&-

The big black car rolled to a stop outside the airport terminal. Bond took a seat in the back and the car moved off at once, expertly driven through the heavy lunchtime traffic. Bond turned to the short man in the grey suit sitting beside him
"Good to see you again, Felix" he said. His old CIA partner Felix Leiter smiled "And you, you old bastard. Now I don't know what they told you, James, but this thing has got us beat. Who the hell would take such a risk for some soccerball gear? FBI have found the truck and we're going there right now"

-&-&-&-&-&-

The U-Haul truck was by the side of the road in a deserted industrial park, back doors open revealing the emptiness within. Forensic teams were working in and around it. Bond and Leiter looked it over. 
"Anything?" Leiter asked the head of the unit. "Nothing sir, they just hijacked the truck, drove it here, used a jemmy on the doors and took everything. We're baffled"
Bond strolled around to the cab. His eyes narrowed and he reached in under the driver's seat.
"Felix, look at this"
"What is it James?"
"A book of matches. Marked 'Magumbo Club'. Know it?"
"I sure do, James. Hangout for every hoodlum and two-bit grifter in downtown Miami. Owner is a Mr Flobeld"
"Let's get over there. Pronto"

-&-&-&-&-&-

"So Mr Bond, we meet again". The man in the swivel chair was facing away from Bond as he and Leiter were pushed into the dark room at the back of the Magumbo Club, half a dozen guns held on them by the impassive, kilted and tartan-clad henchmen. It had been easy to penetrate the club and, while Leiter distracted the barmen with a simple conjuring trick, Bond had slipped into the corridor behind in search of clues, but it had been a trap.The henchmen were waiting for them.

"Again? We've met before?" Bond said, mind racing as he tried to think where he recognised the voice of the sinister club owner.
"We have, Mr Bond. I was going by the alias of Delflob then".  Bond, his eyes narrowed, narrowed them further "Lledbof. Angus McCameron Partick Thistle Lledbof. The man who wanted to flood England with fake porridge. The man who tried to steal the stone of Scone by replacing it with a rock of Crumpet.  I should have guessed. And these Scottish hoods - there was only one team that Scotland really worried about and stealing the England kit was the obvious way to unsettle them. You knew that, if they had to play in new boots, they would all get blisters."
"Precisely, Mr Bond. And I have also bet a considerable amount of money on England losing. Not only will I be well in with the SNP when they finally take power, but I shall be able to afford that little BnB just outside Arbroath that I have always wanted. But I'm afraid neither you nor Mr Leiter will be able to stay there. Ha ha. Ha ha ha"

Editor's note. The manuscript ends here. Did Bond escape? Did he manage to have a restful few days at the little BnB just outside Arbroath anyway? Did England win anything? Alas, we shall never know.

World Cup '26 - Our Exclusive, All You Need to Know, Preview

 World Cup fever is here again and the question that everyone is asking is, will our viewing experience be altered in any way by being hosted in the USA?*  You need not wait until the tournament begins because we have the answers right here, as we bring you the time-honoured tradition of the Ramblings Preview.

There will be more use of VAR ("Video assisted rubbish"), lengthy drinks-breaks  and some rules have been tweaked, notably the one that says the winning team receive a trophy. In future, the winning team will be required to present  the trophy to President Trump. As this is unlikely to be England, we won't worry about it.

I have a feeling that the TV coverage will be something like this ...

Wed June 17. England vs Croatia. Dallas

"...and you join us here high above the Irving C Feistershmeckel III stadium as the match begins. I'm Bob Bland and with me is Hiram Highslacker. Hiram, there's two teams out there but only one can win, right?
- Bob, that is so true. It's all about the goals. But it might be a draw if, say, they both score the same number of goals.
- Is that so? Sounds complicated. But as the umpire blows to start the match and one of the guys down there touches the ball, let's take a commercial break..."

.....

"...And welcome back to this soccerball ball game here in Dallas where it is a cool 90 in the shade, or at least it is for us here in the air-conditioned commentary room, I hate to think what it's like for the players down there on the field.
- Sure gonna be warm, Bob and you know, those England players, they usually play in the rain and the fog, this must be pretty damn strange for them. 
- Sure is, Hiram, and can you update us about the scores?
- Glad to, Bob, there's been a goal, maybe two, but before I give you the details, here's a reminder about Alvaro's Funeral and Pizza Parlour in downtown Dallas - the place to go when you need to bury someone but just gotta get something to eat first. Do it all at Alvaros.
- Thanks Hiram, and down there on the grass, seems like the umpire is holding up a red card and waving it around, what the heck is that all about?
- Probably a helpful message from one of the sponsors, Bob, I know that Tom's Taxis here in Dallas have all-red cabs and nobody has cleaner ashtrays than Tom's.
-That's good to know, Hiram. And stay tuned to this channel, folks, so you don't miss a thing but it's time for a commercial break....

Tues 23 June. England vs Ghana. Boston

"...Bob Bland with you once again coming live from the CleanerCoal arena here in Boston, sponsored by Cleanercoal, the carbon sulphur mix that is so good for your throat, and with me is the stats and play expert, Hiram Highslacker. How's it going down on the gridiron, Hiram?
- Bob, it's all happening down there. England have kicked the ball. Ghana have kicked it back. Then several players kicked it and it went up in the air and of them actually hit it with his head. Can you believe that? Both of the quarterbacks have been in action, picking up the ball and distributing out to the linemen. Right now the play is halted because there is a VAR review about a comment one of the England team made to an assistant linejudge. I gather they have put out a call for a specialist in some strange language called Geordie. While we're waiting, I'll give you a full rundown on all the scores and plays, but first a word from Fatbuster Burgers, our special sponsors here this evening...

Sat 27 June. England vs Panama. New York

"...and as you rejoin us after that short break, it seems that Panama have scored again but we have to wait for the VAR review as to whether the celebrations went on too long, so while we are waiting, let's have a commercial break ..."

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* Yes, there are some trivial matches in Mexico and Canada but I've done the "slumped by the cantina" gag too many times and I can't think of anything worth saying about Canada.