Love on the Met line

It's funny how people shed all their inhibitions when on a train. Travelling home late the other night with my wife, we were both startled when a young man who boarded our train at Harrow yelled out of the window at the top of his voice "See you". Actually, in this age of texting, he might have been shouting "CU".

We looked up. His puffy face was adorned (surely not the right word - Ed) with studs and rings through various protruding features. Having drawn our attention, he began a loud conversation on his mobile. The topic was that of a date that he had just had. He described his partner as being five foot tall, cute and "he would definitely like to see her naked". We learned that they had differing tastes in music but he hoped to overcome this and that he was feeling "horny". So a successful romantic encounter then, and we certainly enjoyed hearing all about it.

So if you are a male in the Harrow area, and fancy a crack at a short but willing female who doesn't like Aerosmith, why not try your luck.

Put a sock in it

Older readers may recall my account of the lengthy rebuilding of my home station, Ruislip Manor. I commented on the huge number of CCTV cameras (roughly two per passenger on quiet days) and the plethora of loudspeakers that festoon every lamp post. It has taken the staff a little while to learn about this new technology but now they have clearly mastered the art of using a microphone and some mornings you can barely hear yourself think for announcements.

Amongst the gems offered to us this morning were:

London Transport does not like people smoking
You should stand behind the yellow lines at all times for your safety
We are being watched on cameras for our own security.
Passengers wishing to travel on the Piccadilly line should take the first train to Rayners Lane (with the masterful timing of true genius, they make this announcement at 8:30, exactly when a Piccadilly train arrives, and on time)

and of course, that old standby "A good service is operating on all lines". Yes, they trotted this one out today. I knew when I came out on the platform that a good service was not operating because there were at least twice as many people waiting for the Metropolitan line as usual. And so it proved. We were heavily overcrowded until Harrow (when most people left to take a "fast" train). Sadly (for them), it was held up at Wembley Park and those of us who stuck to the stopping train were rewarded by the view of their faces as we trundled past.

Anyway the point is not to have a jolly good laugh at the expense of my fellow passengers but to suggest that being bombarded with loudspeaker announcements that largely state the bleedin' obvious, but which do not not actually bother to tell us when the next train is due, is a poor way to start the day. Why do they do it? Can't they just watch us on their high-tech surveillance and keep the mouth shut?

The lure of travel

Just back from a very nice holiday, cruising from Venice to Istanbul. And how, you will wish to know, do commuters in these far-flung places manage compare to us?

Well actually I have only the haziest idea. In Venice you get around by boat or by foot, so no stupid delays caused by "signal failure" or the tube's current favourite "person under a train", but presumably they get various water-related problems. Throughout the small towns dotted down the Adriatic coast, and in the Greek islands, you can walk, cycle or take a donkey. Cue "extensive delays due to certain animal products on the path". And in Istanbul the ferocious traffic jams and the permanently full (despite being amazingly frequent) trams, coupled with the non-stop ferries across the Bosphorus, suggest something that even we Londoners might flinch away from.

Cruising has got to be the most pleasant way to travel. Someone else is doing the driving. The accommodation is comfortable, the food splendid and the views keep changing. There are no unexpected delays, in fact the only delays we had were on the flights both outbound and returning.

Anyway, back to the world of real commuting. I picked up a copy of a "newspaper" called London Lite this evening. Apparently we are all trembling with excitement at the prospect of a rugby match tomorrow. Not me mate. Getting home without being held up for 10 minutes at Harrow because of a defective train down the line, that's the real turn-on.

Deconstructing Tube Ads - 2: Nokia

There's a poster in the tube showing a phone, or something. And a slogan at the bottom that reads "Be more Nokia".

I have a Nokia phone, as it happens. I am happy with it. I require nothing else from the company. I have not the slightest intention of being "more Nokia". Assuming that what they really mean is "Buy more Nokia", then this ad will reduce the probability of my so doing.

We are people (even those of who have to commute using the tube). We are not brands. We do not aspire to be brands.

Tube English 2

When trains are running late, and platforms are crowded (as they were today thanks to the stupid walk-out by drivers on the Circle and District lines), station announcers like to tell us to "Use all available doors". If I was an elementary particle or photon, capable of simultaneously passing through multiple locations (or in some versions of quantum mechanics, theoretically capable of being anywhere in the universe until the collapse of the probability wave function brought about by interaction with another particle or photon), then yes I could indeed aspire to using all available doors. But I am composed of billions upon billions of elementary particles, the probability that I occupy just one position in space-time is overwhelmingly huge and consequently I can use only one door at a time. And so can everyone else. So being told to do something impossible does make the announcers appear to inhabit some parallel universe of their own.