Hold Everything, This One Is Hot!

I'm still a little a-tremble with excitement. One of the emails sent to me today was from Skoda UK, with whom I recently transacted a little business. It tells me - are you sitting down and have you carefully put down any hot cups of tea or coffee that you might have been holding? These little precautions are important, you know - it tells me that  - do you know, even now, some moments later, it makes me catch my breath just a little - it tells me that - No, I cannot contain myself any longer ...

We've updated our Privacy Statement

Of course I rushed to open the brand new, updated, Privacy Statement and printed it out for comparison, line by line,  with the previous one (and what a thundering good privacy statement it was, one of the best I have read in many a long year) . I underlined in red ink all the changes, made appropriate markings for the spelling mistakes and errors in grammar and finally translated the whole lot into Latin so that it can be transcribed upon a granite monolith to be erected at the edge of my estate for all to admire.  I do hope this is the reaction that the PR people at Skoda were expecting.


[Some of the above is not strictly true. For further information about the slight exaggerations in the piece, and for a complete word by word exegesis of our Privacy Statement do contact us at the usual address. Terms and Conditions undoubtedly apply and these are available in our Terms and Conditions Statement which has not been updated for a while and that is why we have not bothered to send you an email informing you of such changes but rest assured, we will; provided that, by so doing, we are not in breach of our Privacy Statement in which case we will update it first and send you a lovely long chatty email telling you all about it: Ed]

The Winds of Change

It has been a splendid summer (if you like lots of sunshine) and a rather difficult one (if you are a keen gardener) but certainly a great contrast to most of the last few years when dullness, chill and rain (especially over Bank holidays) seemed the norm. All over now. The first big storm of the season - Ali - is battering the north of these isles and even here in beautiful Ruislip 40mph gusts are giving us a lively morning.

There is no longer a goldfish population for me to worry about; instead Mrs C and I have installed a large pot as a central feature of the garden. We've put a load of old bricks in the base to keep it steady and now it faces its first test amidst the rising winds.

And, speaking of change, we are limping up to the finish line in the botched job that is Britain's exit from membership of the EU. Will there be a last minute deal that satisfies all parties? Or will the die-hards sabotage whatever emerges from the late-night negotiations on the grounds that any deal approved by the EU must, de facto, be detrimental to the UK? I have a horrible feeling that this may the case.

Heads we win, tails we win.

My mother-in-law is not in the best of health and is living in a care home. On her behalf, Mrs. C and I opened a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions concerning her entitlement to Attendance Allowance. One of the sections is about changes to personal circumstances that they need to know and included in the list is the following (and remember this is addressed directly to my M-I-L, not to us):

If you become incapable of managing your own affairs

This has to be a classic example of Joseph Heller's Catch-22*. For if one is not capable of managing one's affairs then one is hardly likely to be able to digest a long Government letter let alone send a reply. And if one does make a reply to say that one is not capable, this surely would be deemed proof of capability.

We aim to sidestep this conundrum by explaining that she is not capable of managing her affairs, but that we are.


* For those unfamiliar with the origin of this now well-known phrase, it was the trap that ensnared Heller's protagonist - an air force pilot in the second world war desperate to avoid going on another, extremely dangerous, mission. The only outlet was to plead insanity but since only a sane man would make such a plea, it was automatically rejected.

The Virus On My Computer

I am so used to receiving calls from liars, claiming that there is a problem on my computer and would I kindly let them have unlimited access to it, (such as this one), that it gives me great pleasure to think up ways to baffle and irritate them. Today I made a breakthrough. The phone rang and there was the customary silence before someone with a distinctly foreign accent asked if I was the "principal user of the computer" and then, ignoring my answer, began his spiel about my computer having been hacked and being a source of viruses.

At this point I had one of those lightbulb moments. "Yes" I untruthfully replied "I am the one who hacked it and filled it full of viruses".  I was about to launch into a detailed list of some of them and the awful things that they would do his systems if he was foolish enough to attempt to connect to mine but he panicked and rang off at once. I think he might have thought that I could send a virus down the phone.

I think it not a bad idea to have a ready made list of fictitious malware that one can quote back at these people so here are a few to get going with:

• Slicer
• Destructo-B
• Moneygrab
• Bye-bye Bytes
• Tharg triple-tested
• Deathstrangler
• Boaty McBoat Face
• Atahualpa's Revenge
• Heavy Roller
• Krusher2018

And no doubt you can come up with some of your own. Happy inventing.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Tesco

This plaintive cry for help was part of an advertisement for Tesco's home delivery service. Why come home to an empty fridge indeed? A top level team at Ramblings has been tasked with finding out the answers and here they are.

1. Shop once a week or so, fill up your fridge with the food that you need and, amazingly, you won't come home to an empty fridge. But see 2.
2. Is your problem that, the moment you fill up your fridge, the lodgers raid it and leave it empty? Dr. Commuter suggests that you evict them forthwith
3. Don't go out to work then you won't need to come home.
4. Don't come home.
5. Throw away your fridge and store food in a larder, a meat-safe, a cellar and an ice-house built into your grounds. It was good enough for the Victorian aristocracy so it should be good enough for you.

If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter then do please get in touch at the usual address. Terms and conditions do not apply, unless we can think of some in the meantime.