Back To The Crush

 I had to attend the funeral of a friend today. The ceremony was in West Norwood, a delightful cemetery amidst lushly planted grounds but of course there was the little problem of getting there. I hate driving into London and naturally chose to go by public transport, using the tube to reach Victoria and then the novelty of a trip on Southern railways.

Southern was splendid. The train was clean and comfortable, with sensible announcements (including saying which carriage one was in, useful info for the short-length stations where some carriages do not open their doors), it left on time and arrived on time.

The journey on the tube was less convivial. Though I began my journey shortly before 10:00 from beautiful Ruislip, the Met was fairly busy when it arrived and damn near full by Harrow. Being too close to people in confined spaces still makes me nervous - the country has become used to the covid pandemic but I still want to minimise any chance of catching it. I did not expect the train to be so well-used at that sort of time.

The plan was to transfer to the Jubbly at Finchley Road. We arrived to find an empty one waiting for us. I should have realised... as I and many others swiftly crossed the platform in search of a seat, we were told that due to a person under a train at Green Park, the train was going nowhere. So about-face and back to the still-waiting Met only now my seat had been taken. 

Oh well, I stood in the crowded carriage to Baker Street and transferred to the Bakerloo. Though it was now well after ten, still the platforms were thick with people and it was a push just to get into the train. At Oxford Circus I made the easy crossing to the Victoria Line and blow me, that was also jam-packed, though at least quite a few left at Green Park.

Coming back, around 16:30, was fairly similar, although the Jubbly was now running again but it was still standing room on the Viccy, the Jubbly and the Met (until Wembley Park.)

The Elizabeth Line (aka Crossrail) finally opened for business last week. It was built to relieve the enormous pressure on the Central Line for east-west travel. Seems like a new one rotated at 90° would be handy as well.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Aspiring NATO Members

 Dr. Commuter writes:  Everyone likes to feel wanted and part of a group. This is as just as true for entire nations as for individuals. These days NATO is very popular and more countries are thinking about joining all the time.  The BBC have even been forced to consider how one goes about this.

BBC Website 12 May 2022

Well, it turns out that it is really quite straightforward. You just need to fill out the application form, mail it off with your first year's subscription ($1 billion for larger countries, $400 million if population is under 30 million) and, if you pass the scrutiny of the Membership Committee, you should be in the club in no time.

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NATO APPLICATION FORM

Name of country................................................................................
Previous names if former colony or has recently declared independence
................................................................................................
Size of army.................... (in divisions)
Size of navy ................... (in ships; do not include rowing boats, pedalos or any vessel called Something McSomethingFace)
Size of air force.................(in planes)
 

Are you happy to have cruise missiles on your territory -     underline your answer from one of the following:
    Yes, if we have to / Of course, the more the merrier  / Already got some but don't mind a few more
 

Do your armed forces have a really fashionable and cool uniform and, if so, is it all right if other members borrow the style?
 

Are you currently invading anyone? - If yes, please give details in covering letter
 

Are you ruled by a mad dictator / revolutionary committee of people's justice / divinely-appointed monarch / infallible Prophet? If any of these apply, we will send you a few further questions later.
 

How do you feel about the borders of your country and those nearby? Tick one answer

• They are okay
• Some minor revisions would be helpful, you know, just to tidy up some scruffy bits, but no major changes are envisaged
• Historical anomalies must be corrected and those who have subverted the sacred soil of the Motherland be consigned to the lower circles of hell
• The glorious cause of our people knows no boundaries and all countries must, one day, be included within the bounds of our ever-growing empire

Do you accept the Terms and Conditions of NATO membership (see 658 page appendix)?    

Please remember to include a working email address and a telephone number where we may contact you. 

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Dr. Commuter is also available to advise any country that would like to join the EU, Eurovision, UEFA or Interpol.

The Swans Fly Off

 I wrote a few weeks back about the peculiar problems surrounding Staines Town FC, who play their football in tier 4 of the non-league pyramid. Denied access to their ground by the owner, they were desperate to complete the season, even though they face relegation, rather than suffer the ignominy of having all their results expunged. Through friendly contacts, they managed to secure their final league match at Wealdstone's (my home team, let me remind you) ground, and so it was that yesterday, with the Stones playing miles away at Altrincham, I toddled along in the warm sunshine to watch them take on another local side, Northwood.

Alas, the Swans were hopelessly outclassed and lost 8-1, their rather ponderous (and distinctly short) defence having little answer to the Woods' relentless attacking and excellent corner-kicking.

This will almost certainly be the last match played by this club - they may or may not return via a "phoenix" club set up by supporters under a similar name but in a much lower league; a sad demise for a club formed at exactly the same time as the Stones and who we have encountered many times over recent years.

Dr. Commuter assists ... Manchester United

 

 

Dr. Commuter writes:  I gather that English Premier League football team Manchester United are currently doing less well than they or their fans would wish, and that they are seeking aid from kindly souls such as Mr Ferdinand (pictured above).

I can save a whole point from the list, whatever it may contain, and thereby allow United more time to pack in extra football action. Here is my exclusive five-point plan for Mr ten Hag or anyone else to exploit as they wish.

1. Get a decent goalie. Goalies can help prevent the opposition from scoring goals
2. Get a decent defence. Defenders not only prevent goals from being scored against but can link up with the midfield (see below)
3. Get a decent midfield. Midfielders can link up with the defence (see above) and the forwards (see below) to help control the game and enable their side to score more goals than the others do
4. Get some decent forwards. Forwards can score goals and force the opposition to commit resources to defending, thereby relieving the pressure on the midfield (see above) and defence (see further above). 
5. Er, that's it. Just do all the above and you can save a further valuable point.

We seem to have ended up with a four-point plan and it may be possible to reduce it still further by judiciously inserting the word "player". Thus we may restate the entire plan in one succinct statement.

1. Get some decent players.

I think that will do for now.

 

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If you are a sporting manager in need of advice, do please contact Dr. Commuter at the usual address. Offers of free season tickets and attendance at prestige sporting events will not be rejected.

To Update Or Not To Update, That Is Not Actually The Question

 Ebay, with whom I have occasionally done a little business, sent me a plaintive email this morning and as it is utterly pointless, I hereby share it with you.

Yes, it has indeed been a year since I updated my personal info. Many years, in fact. And why is that, you may well ask? Because it has not changed in that time. It is not possibly for me to update any of it because, assuming that by "update" we mean "change", there is nothing to change. 

If Ebay had been intelligent enough to suggest that I login to confirm that all was well, that would be fair enough, though irritating. Cleverer still would be to have a reply link in the email with the one word "Yes", in much the same way that one replies to emails that are sent to one confirming that one's email address is valid.

Like that folksy "Sounds like a good idea?". No, it is not a good idea. It is an utter waste of my time. I know that my personal info is correct because, as I have already told the court, Your Honour, it has not changed for ages and during that time I have done things on Ebay which could not have happened had my personal info been incorrect.

And that final phrase - "If you have updated your personal info recently..." Don't they know? Do the clerks who check all the personal info updates and place a tick in green ink at the side of the ledger not talk to the people ( I always assume it is unpaid interns) who draft the customer-facing emails?  How hard is it to have a "last updated" date field in the personal info database and for the email program to read that before sending out the emails? I'll answer that one myself. Not in the least bit. A doddle. Not only could I do it, I bleedin' well have done it or similar in various database applications I have built.

Anyway, I shall certainly take full cognisance of the final bit of their email. I will ignore the reminder.