Patronising Tweet Of The Day #2

 I really thought my go at Mastercard recently would put an end to this sort of thing, but no, it's summer, the real admen are all on holiday and the apprentices have taken over the laboratory. Today another financial institution, who really should know better, decided to serve me this in my Twitter feed:

 

 

This is the same NatWest who, having occupied a prominent position on Ruislip High Street for some 100 years, (I include their ancestors, such as Westminster Bank), have announced that the branch is to close. The nearest branch will be at Uxbridge, not far but anyone going from Ruislip will have to allow a minimum of 30 minutes for the round trip.

"Never stop starting". I thought this was a reference to a vintage car where the choke was left out on a cold day. I recall driving my family's Ford Anglia in such a way, the car jerking forward and then spasmodically stopping before a fresh push on the throttle (being careful not to flood the engine) kicked it back into life. Cars don't do that any more. They can indeed be accurately described as "never stop starting".

I don't suppose this was what NatWest had in mind. It must be a kindly exhortation from them to the rest of us - "Hey you lazy lot, stop slacking and get on with it. Never, I repeat NEVER stop starting! If we catch any member of the public not starting we shall confiscate their paying-in books!"

Sod that. I shall stop starting as much as I like. I shall wake up on a fine sunny day and think "Today is the day to do a bit of starting. Not right away, let's have breakfast and a leisurely sit-around first, then maybe a nice cup of coffee but definitely before lunch, or at least very soon after it, if it's not clouding over by then and there's no test match to listen to, okay, maybe in the late afternoon, no, it's too late, the moment has passed. Tomorrow. That's it. Tomorrow I shall start. I shall not stop. I shall not fail in the eyes of NatWest. I will never stop starting again. Unless it rains."

You might have thought that having dreamed up this stupid slogan, the admen (or the interns) would put their feet up with a sigh of content and get back to gambling billions of our money on derivatives (whatever they are). But no. No patronising tweet is complete without a hashtag slogan. And what a slogan it is. Einstein, Weinberg, Hawking, Smolin, Rovelli¹- your boys took a hell of a beating. The boffins at NatWest have got there first. Time is not just relative - it has been collapsed entirely. Tomorrow begins Today! There is no future because you are already living it. 

This must make office life rather tricky down at the bank. 

"Withers, I'd like to see you tomorrow to review the Arkwright files"

"You mean later today sir. Tomorrow begins today"

"Ah. Yes. Damn, have to slot you around 11pm due to all the other things I had scheduled for tomorrow that are of course happening today. By the way, you're dressed a bit casually, aren't you?

"I'm off to the golf course for the tournament"

"But that's not till the day after tomorrow"

"Exactly sir. But as tomorrow begins today, then the day after tomorrow must be tomorrow but tomorrow begins today. Bye, sir"

Finally, in the interests of transparency, I should point out that I do not bank with NatWest and am unlikely to do so in the future (assuming the future exists). I shall be even less likely now that they have removed the nearest branch to me. Or <cue sinister music> can it be that tomorrow actually started yesterday and I have already opened an account with them? <fade out sinister music, replace with continuity announcer> "Tune in next week, whenever that is, to find out".

Note

1. The first few physicists specialising in time, relativity and cosmology, I could think of.

Heatwave Update #3

 Wildfires have broken out across southern Europe, forcing the evacuation of towns, campsites and holiday resorts. There have been casualties, including firefighters.

Not to be outdone, we had our own heat-driven apocalypse in NW Middlesex this afternoon. Fires on the parched fields at Hatch End forced rail cancellations. There was a report of a fire in Wembley. And closer to home, the normally marshy low-lying land near RAF Northolt went up in smoke, closing the A40  for several hours. 

Photo: Adam Crts on Ruislip Community Group, Facebook

It was supposed to rain this evening as the heat at last recedes, but as usual we got nothing bar a thick grey cloud cover and increased humidity. Or so I thought until, whilst writing the preceding line, Mrs C pointed out of the window to some real wet-type stuff falling from the sky. It was the briefest of showers but right now we will gladly take anything. 

Heatwave Update #2

The hot air remaining overnight contributed to a rapid rise in temperatures this morning. UK records began to fall and at 1:00pm a new high of 40c was measured at Heathrow, uncomfortably close to us here in what used to be beautiful Ruislip. It is, however, much breezier than yesterday, a hint that the weather system that has been locked over Europe for a week is shifting.

 There is almost no other topic on the news, although Conservative MPs continue to ballot for someone to succeed B. Johnson who, having been hailed as the greatest human in history not so long ago, is now still our prime minister without power or honour. 

Mrs C and I took a brief stroll round the block last night. It was like a Mediterranean holiday in the balmy air with people coming out after hiding in their shuttered homes all day. Except that the lively bars and cafes were missing and only a crowd outside the pub contributed to that southern European feel.

Heatwave update #1

As predicted, it was 37c this afternoon in the scorched, baking plains of what they used to call beautiful Ruislip. The news was dominated by reports across the country showing cars melting, Rutland Water evaporating and mile-long queues to buy ice-creams. [Some slight but permissible exaggeration here:Ed] We remained steadfastly indoors. It was warm but comfortable in the living room with curtains closed and a fan on. Tonight may be less pleasant as massive amounts of stored heat burst out of the brickwork and converge on the bedroom. A local weather station is optimistically predicting some precipitation (rain, in other words) but all too often, in these situations, we see the clouds waft overhead without giving us some blessed relief, so I am not getting any hopes up.

We're Heading For A Heatwave

 The title of a long-forgotten pop song from the late 1960s seems peculiarly suitable right now. All of Western Europe is roasting in an unprecedented heatwave. Temperatures above 40c are being experienced from Spain to the Balkans. In Britain, having had a couple of days at around 30c we are bracing ourselves for a possible 40c in the next couple of days.

Fortunately the Commuter household no longer has to commute and can bunker down at home with a supply of cold drinks, damp towels and darkened rooms to ease the discomfort. 

I shall update this topic in due course