Euros '24 - It's All Here, Right Now, We've Got It Covered

 Once more the England men's football team is poised to compete in a major tournament and once more this column is proud to bring you the only comprehensive, targeted and fully-costed preview you need. Last night in a spectacular and deeply impressive friendly against Iceland last night, where our lads took on the might of the team ranked no less than 72nd in the world, they acquitted themselves superbly by only losing 1-0, and had at least one shot on target. We can now accurately chart their progress in the group stages of the European Championships which begin in one week, hosted by Germany. Iceland did not actually qualify this time but we remember what happened just a few years ago and England have made huge strides since then. Back in 2016 we lost 2-1. This time we limited them to scoring only 1 goal. That is a 100% improvement in terms of letting in goals.  Confidence will be sky high. 

What then of the three matches ahead? It seems likely that things will go something this...

Sunday 16th June vs Serbia. Gelsenkirchen

Result Serbia 2 England 1

Our special correspondent writes...The sun beat down relentlessly on the unforgiving arena that was Gelsenkirchen's Schadenfreude Stadium as England, playing an unfamiliar 3-5-2 formation struggled against the plucky Serbs. Temporary manager G. Southgate's problems were due to the last minute withdrawal of several key defenders who cited niggling groin strains, urgent appointments with their ghost-writers and not wishing to miss a barmitzvah as reasons to stay at home. 

Serbia's midfield dynamo Mágĩc scored the first by hitting the ball directly at the goal  - something Ramsdale had not expected. The second came from a corner where Plȃstȉc's high ball dropped accurately toward the far post and Trȁgĩc had only to tap in as all the defenders were looking the other way. England did pull one back at the end when Trippier booted the ball into the area and it bounced off Kane, the referee and a ball-boy before eluding Fȃntastȉc in goal.

"A good result against a superb and in-form side, even better than Iceland" said Southgate afterwards. "We know what we have to do now. Yes. Yes, we certainly know. There can be no denying that essential fact. The evidence is plain. We simply have to turn up next time and, er, do it"

Thursday 20 June vs Denmark. Frankfurt

Result Denmark 3 England 1

Our special correspondent writes...In the windswept, rain-drenched vortex of 100% proof football that was Frankfurt's SchwanzstuckermitWurst Park , England faced the mighty Danes with grit, determination and, er, grit. With a brand-new 3-6-1 formation, forced upon temporary manager G. Southgate as several key players reported "feeling a bit funny" after an all-night currywurst and Blue Nun special, it was unfortunate that the Danes scored from the first kick, shooting directly at goal. "I didn't expect that" said hapless shot-stopper Ramsdale "I thought nobody would try that one again". Strikers Hans and Christian found easy paths to goal through England's ponderous midfield whilst Andersen had little to do as shots fizzed wide, or over the top, or were scuffed directly at him. England's consolation goal came when Saka dribbled into the penalty area and stepped over the ball, Foden fell over Palmer's untied boot-lace and Watkins stuck his leg out to keep his balance, deflecting the ball past the defence who were mainly holding their sides laughing.

"We can take a lot of positives from that game" Southgate wrote later on Twitter "We know now that kicking the ball up the field rather than backwards makes it more likely we can score. We just have to put that into practice"

Tuesday 25 June vs Slovenia. Cologne

Result England 0 Slovenia 5

Our special correspondent writes...The gale force blizzard that somewhat unexpectedly turned Cologne's UberAlles Avenue Arena into a skating rink did England's gallant players no favours. Temporary manager G. Southgate chose a controversial 2-8-0 formation, comprising whatever was left of the squad after an impromptu schweinshaxe and schnappes contest. But Roglič and [insert other well-known Slovenian here] simply booted the ball over the top of the midfield and scored at will.

"It was hard going" admitted Southgate, writing in The Beano "but our lads showed they can match the best in the world. They were all there at the kick-off and, by God, most of them were still standing at half-time. Nobody can do more for their country.  We leave with heads held high and suitcases stuffed full of duty-frees, and I know we will receive the welcome we deserve"

 

Election 2024 - Headlines, Claims and Gibberish

 Like spores and bacteria, there are words that lie dormant and disregarded for years but which, in favourable conditions, spring back to life and begin multiplying as if nothing had happened. Such conditions are those when politicans are hurling out sound-bites in all directions in the pressured environment of a general election. Lying half asleep this morning listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4, I picked out some old favourites, from, I think, a LibDem spokesperson but it could have been from any party. Targeted. Comprehensive. Fully-costed. And I think Crackdown might have been in there, inevitably accompanied by Avoiders or Dodgers.

My muse in matters satirical is Michael Frayn and he, many years ago, identified combinations of words that existed only in newspaper headlines and which conveyed some sort of meaning to readers, but often so vaguely that the same headlines could be used over and over in many different ways. Bid Probe Allegation Shock could be one. Leak Drama Move Slammed another.  In the same way, when a party announces that, on taking office, it will solve all Britain's financial problems through a targeted, comprehensive and fully-costed crackdown, the dozing listener absorbs this in the way a damp J-cloth absorbs a spillage - the first wipe gets most of the liquid but always leaves a bit. The policy announcement gets blotted up and largely vanishes from the brain, leaving a slimy trail of those buzz words which convey something but, in the words of another great satirist, Lewis Carroll, "Somehow it seems to fill my head with ideas—only I don't exactly know what they are!"

When grappling with political ideas it does feel as though we are tracking the Jabberwock through the tulgy wood. Figures are thrown about like branches snagging one's armour - Rishi Sunak's recently invented claim that Labour measures would raise taxation by some £2,000 a household being a good example. He then claimed this was an official civil service calculation, only to have to withdraw when the Treasury said it was nothing to do with them, and to further withdraw when it became clear that it was £2,000 over the four years expected life of the next parliament. The details have become lost in the murk and only the headline "Labour Tax Bombshell Claim Shock" remains.

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Readers! Do you examples of words that come alive at elections? Send them in to the usual address and the very best will be used to make a suitable headline for a forthcoming piece. Comprehensive Terms and Conditions apply and have been targeted to be spot on with whatever they are required to do. A fully-costed copy will be sent on receipt of £2,000 or whatever figure you feel is suitable.

Election 2024 - Don't Say The F Word

 Poor old Rishi Sunak. Not only is his party trailing Labour in the polls, but the sinister, grinning wrecker of Britain's good relationship with the world's largest trading bloc has today announced his intention to stand for Parliament and to do so as leader of the party he founded. Reform seem likely to take more votes from the Tories than from anyone else, and may do reasonably well as a third party but perhaps without taking a seat. Or maybe just one, if their leader finally achieves his long-held ambition.

Only recently it seemed that Nigel F. was going to spearhead the campaign to re-elect to the White House his idol, a convicted criminal with even more ambitions to wreck things than himself. Now he has turned his back on the glitz of conventions and coast-to-coast jetting in favour of assaulting the sanity of the good folk of Clacton. Will he stand defiantly on the beach, jerking his thumb over his shoulder at the continent while declaring his intentions to fight them on it?

Election 2024 - The Shadow of the Past

 The election campaign has been galvanised by the Prime Minister's unexpected attempt to recapture the magic of the Tories golden years in the 1950s. No, not a sudden assault on Egypt to retake control of the Suez canal but, in the words of the Daily Telegraph

Rishi Sunak has vowed to bring back National Service for 18-year-olds to create a “renewed sense of pride in our country” in his first policy announcement of the election campaign...

This idea seems to have come from nowhere. It has not featured in Conservative manifestos of recent years, nor did Sunak wow the party conference last October by donning a beret and posing with beaming 18 year olds who just could not wait to get down to Caterham and start shovelling coke behind the mess hall. 

Naturally one might expect the top brass at the War Office to be delighted. And one would be wrong. The headline in The Independent the day after read

Ex-military chief says Rishi Sunak’s national service plan is ‘bonkers’

 Britain has changed. Huge numbers of young people aspire to university or college education when they leave school, not to put on uniform and march up and down barracks squares for the gratification of their sergeant-major. Even if the idea of doing something for one's country were to be popular, they wish to choose what they do, not to be conscripted by a faceless Whitehall bureacracy. Presumably Sunak is aiming this policy at older Tory voters who still nurture strange ideas about "discipline" and "respect"; the conscripts of the 1950s certainly learned how to smoke furtive cigarettes by cupping them in one hand behind their backs but this was the generation that produced the artistic flowering of the 60s, the satire boom and the biggest shift away from deference to authority ever seen in this country. 

Details of how the scheme would work are sketchy but it does not seem to involve compulsory service; volunteering either for military support duties or work in the community are being touted. According to Sky.com

Exactly how the scheme would work has not yet been hammered out. The Tories have said they would set up a royal commission - a type of public inquiry - to come up with the details.

 however we do have some information

Conservative MPs have given various examples of the kinds of volunteering teenagers could do, including delivering prescriptions or food to infirm people, being a lifeguard, supporting communities during storms and working with search and rescue.

All is well. The next time it rains we can call up the King's Own Waterproofs Brigade and be personally shepherded to the bus stop under the protection of a trained umbrella-holder, first class. Instructions in the fitting of galoshes will be given by keen youngsters in village halls. Ranks of eager kids will be taught to say "Looks like it's clearing up" and "Wrap up warm, now" before being let loose on householders contemplating another ruined carpet. And traditional techniques will not be lost either - a couple of weeks filling, stacking, moving and emptying sandbags at Aldershot should beat a bit of discipline and respect into the long-haired, work-shy, don't-know-they're-born, generation who are sure to vote Tory in future elections out of gratitude. Yup, that'll definitely work.

Election 2024 - An Unexpected Party Political

 Mrs C and I were enjoying a well-earned cup of tea yesterday, on a damp and disappointingly chilly May afternoon, when the bland afternoon TV coverage switched to a damp and chilly Downing Street where a podium had been put up outside Number 10.  Political correspondents spoke of rumours about an election. We watched, fascinated, as the podium was moved a bit and the rain continued to lash down. 

With little warning, the door was opened and the Prime Minister emerged to tell us that he had had a chat with Charlieboy and Parliament was to be dissolved for an election on 4 July. He then tried to explain what a great bloke he was, and how great everything the government had done had been and why we should all vote for him. Unfortunately our attention was diverted to the wet patches running down his jacket and to the discordant sound of a pop song played loudly just outside the gates to Downing Street (My sources later informed me that this was D:Ream's "Things Can Only Get Better", the anthem to Labour's 1997 landslide).

This move has certainly taken everyone by surprise. Summer elections are unusual. Sunak was expected to try to big things up at the party conference in the autumn, perhaps on the back of a tax cut, perhaps after sending the first few hapless migrants to Rwanda. There are rumours that Tory MPs were poised for a no-confidence vote and he decided to strike first. Others suggest that this has been to get a jump on Reform who have been nibbling at the traditional Conservative vote. Still others opined that, the rate of inflation having fallen to about 2.5%, this is a golden opportunity to boast about sound economic management (while keeping very quiet indeed about the last few years).

This will be the first election I will witness from my new constituency, having moved from Uxbridge and South Ruislip (seat of part-time strolling PM B Johnson) to the rural surroundings of Stratford on Avon, seat of the retiring ex-chancellor Nadim Zahawi, who featured (anonymously) in these columns not so long ago. I suspect that there will be little in the way of canvassing around here but we will see.

The timing of this election is not good news for the many post office managers, wrongly accused of fraud by a conspiracy of the directors of the Post Office and of software supplier Fujitsu; the news about the hearings will now be downgraded. And only in the last couple of days has the PM apologised for the long running NHS infected blood scandal, and promised compensation to the victims. Will this promise be quietly shelved on the grounds that it is now a matter for the new government?

One might also wonder if the PM is hoping for a bounce should England or Scotland do well in the Euro Football Championships - if either survive to election day then they will be in the quarter-finals, and this would surely be a huge boost to the feel-good factor. Will Harry win it for Rishi?