The case brought against recently elected Imperator of Rome, Senator M. Bucinum Cassius by surviving members of the J. Caesar party has been thrown out by the senior magistrates, writes our correspondent with a free ticket to the Celebrate The End Of Tyranny Games. It was alleged that Sen. Cassius and others had skulked around the Forum late at night with their togas over their heads, scrawled "Caesar must go" on the wall of the Forum of Pompey and had been implicated in the death by violence of the last surviving member of the First Triumvirate.
Witnesses spoke of Caesar going into the Senate House together with the accused, then going "Aaargh" a lot before gasping "Et tu, Brute" and expiring. They then reported that Senators Cassius, Brutus, Casca, Cinna, Cimber and others came out with blood on their togas and gave each high fives on the steps to the Senate.
The defence pointed out that nobody could possibly identify the assailants as all Senators looked exactly the same in the dark (white togas, bald heads etc), that it was hardly the fault of the defendants if Caesar had gouted blood all over them while they tried to come to his aid, that Caesar had thanked them all for their services, leaving his dear friend,and possibly illegitimate son, Brutus in the place of honour at the end and that they weren't there anyway, but were all visiting their aunts in Herculaneum at the time. It was suggested that the murder had been by a "sinister force", almost certainly organised by Parthia and there was no point in investigating any further because certain people in high places had insinuated that it would be very bad for the health of the investigators.
Speaking to supporters in the Forum after the decision of the court, Sen. Cassius said he bore "no ill-will whatsoever" to those who had brought the charges and that a prolonged stay in exile, possibly for at least 50 years, would undoubtedly be a just reward to any who survived leaving Rome. Cassius also suggested that any other criminal charges against him or his colleagues should be dropped, as should any charges that prosecutors might consider bringing in the future.
"I am the Imperator" he said "And pretty damn close to being a god. In fact, I sense a sort of heavenly presence around me. Jupiter himself is on my side. So anyone who wants a thunderbolt up the arse knows exactly what to do."
Sen. Cassius declined to answer any further questions and mentioned that he had urgent Imperial business on the golf course at Baiae.
Cinna - I am not Cinna
L. Cornelius Cinna has issued a proclamation that he is not Cinna the Poet, has never written poetry and has no interest in the arts of any sort. The proclamation contines that if he were ever to write verses, they would be a damn sight better than anything Cinna the Poet ever produced. They would rhyme for a start and not always begin with "There was a young virgin from Pisa".
Late sports results
Lions 14 Runaway slaves 0 (Lions go on to play the Christians in the semi-final)
Bears v Pack of dogs 1 - 21 (after extra time)
Gladiators 10 Other Gladiators 10 (replay Tuesday, if any of the wounded pull through in time)