Sen. Cassius Unveils NewTriumphal Arch

 

 Cassius: "Hey, it's not quite as big as I thought"

 

Senator Cassius, Imperator and Pontifex Maximus of Rome, stunned onlookers at a gathering in the Temple of Jupiter yesterday by proclaiming his intention to knock it down and to replace it with a grand triumphal arch, writes our correspondent who is wondering if a life of servitude in the galleys would be a sensible career move.

Speaking to members of his Sycophant party, Sen. Cassius said "This is going to be the best arch in the world. It is entirely original and my own idea. Constantine, Trajan, Marble, that Gallic guy de Triomphe, they're all losers. All those other arches, whereever in the world they are, are just copies and I'm going to sue them all for stealing my design, which I own and what's more, it's mine"

Asked about the likely consequences of destroying the great and sacred temple of the ruler of the gods, Sen. Cassius said "I'm the most devout and religious man in the world, right, but that temple is occupying a prime piece of real estate, there's a deal to be done here with the priests of Jupiter and I'm the man to do it. They get five days to leave, and I, in the name of the people, take over the temple. There, everyone wins. Did I tell you that I invented this arch? Because I did and anyone who says otherwise is a traitor to Rome".

Senator Casca, in charge of the building of the arch, made a brief presentation. He said it would be named the Arch of Cassius, Saviour of Rome, in honour of the Senator's role in assisting J. Caesar to retire. He thought that others who aided in the transfer of power, such as himself, might also be named on the arch, perhaps somewhere round the back in very small letters. "I am not in any way envious" he said "I greatly admire my glorious leader. But, you know, it was my knife that he used on that fateful day and he still hasn't given it back, of course it is a great honour for me that he has kept it but actually it was a part of  a set and it would be nice if I could put it back in the box with the others, makes it complete, you know what I'm saying".

A special poem is to be written for the unveiling of the arch by Cinna the Poet. "He's not the best poet" admitted Casca "In fact he usually gets a lot of shtick for his bad verses but it seems all the real poets have fled to Parthia or Gaul so we'll have to make do. And he's cheap."
 

 

Sen. Cassius awarded Olympics Victor Ludorum Prize

In a suprising break with tradition, the organisers of the 2026 Olympic Games have awarded the coveted Victor Ludorum ("Winner of the Entire Games") award to Senator Cassius, Imperator of Rome, writes our correspondent hiding behind a pillar. The award was presented in a glittering ceremony yesterday in the Forum, even though the games are not due to be held until next summer.

Speaking to a specially selected audience of Praetorian Guards, the Chairman of the Olympic Committee said "There can be no doubt that Senator Cassius will win any event he chooses to enter. In fact, he will not be actually taking part but he has left me in no doubt that, if he wanted to, he could easily defeat any other competitor. Furthermore, we have been asked to consider moving the games to Italy, rather than taking place at Olympus in Greece as they have for the past three thousand years, because there are doubts about the security and in any case they all speak Greek there, which Senator Cassius does not speak, and he quite understandably said to me that how the hell could he know what they were saying about him when they all jabber away like that."

At this point one of the Guards was seen to whisper something to the Chairman whilst stroking the hilt of his sword. The Chairman drank some water, coughed a little and resumed

"As I was saying, the games will definitely take place in Rome, and any other cities in Italy that are pleasing to the gods, and Senator Cassius, as Pontifex Maximus, will of course inform me in due course of the gods' wishes.  In addition, all athletes from Greece, Macedonia, Parthia, Syria, Iberia, Dacia, Carthage (if it hasn't been destroyed by then), Gaul, Upper Rhine, Lower Rhine, Eqypt, and Britannia are disqualified for being foreign. The selection of the athletes to represent Rome and the Italian people will be made by Senator Cassius. The judging will be supervised by Senator Cassius and medals awarded to those who find favour in the sight of Senator Cassius. Long live Senator Cassius".

 In other news, Senator Cassius has been awarded the Golden Boot for the 2028 Football World Cup and declared as Man of the Series for the Ashes against the Huns (date to be arranged).