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| Pic: BBC News |
Rejoice!
Wednesday, March 25, 2020
Tuesday, March 24, 2020
101 Things #80 - Disporting in the Drizzle
I have been building up my little collection of ideas to avoid for some time now. Most of them have been culled from websites full of earnest advice to others about the goals that should be inspiring them to action. I am equally earnest in my desire to be the bloke on the sidelines proudly and ostentatiously not doing whatever it is that is being proposed, whilst adding the recommendation to my justly famed anti-bucket-list index 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die.
Today's piece brings together suggestions that may be found on many bucket-list websites, usually without any explanation as to why they are worth considering. Personal Excellence reckons you should walk or dance barefoot in the rain. BucketList.org is a trifle bolder and opines that you should kiss in the rain. The common denominator here is pretty obvious and therefore let me state my rejection of any suggestion to
Today's piece brings together suggestions that may be found on many bucket-list websites, usually without any explanation as to why they are worth considering. Personal Excellence reckons you should walk or dance barefoot in the rain. BucketList.org is a trifle bolder and opines that you should kiss in the rain. The common denominator here is pretty obvious and therefore let me state my rejection of any suggestion to
Do stuff in the rain.
I blame Gene Kelly. The musical Singing in the Rain made getting soaked seem romantic and cool. Countless movies have since featured couples smooching under a light shower, or running in slow motion through glistening drops, the female shaking her hair seductively whilst her admirer gallantly lends her his raincoat or extends a protective umbrella.
Let us first deal with the barefoot business. We do not go barefoot normally because city streets are hard and often plastered with noxious substances. Feet are delicate and hurt woefully easily, a really poor design flaw in homo sapiens. Stub a toe and it will throb for a ridiculously long time afterward. Striding out shoeless in the countryside is little better. There are stones, mud and uneven ground to negotiate. We may be fine in smooth grassy fields or on beaches, and some climbers like to scale rock faces unshod, but these are really rather special circumstances. Furthermore, walking through wet fields is not particularly pleasant, being on the beach in a howling gale with the sand being whipped up is a no-no and few climbers would want to try to scaling wet, slippery rocks with the rain soaking their clothes and masking their vision.
How about kissing in the rain?
How about kissing in the rain?
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| Pic: clipart.email |
Why? Why make this a bucket-list objective? If you fancy a kiss, go for it. Waiting while the sky darkens and the temperature drops, and your partner starts worrying about missing the train or being late for dinner, seems utterly futile. Equally if it has began pelting down and you are both doing up your raincoats and dashing for cover, suggesting a quick snog while her hair gets utterly ruined is unlikely to earn any brownie points. Frequently the rain in these parts can become torrential, if only for a few moments, but quite enough to soak through trouser legs and shoes.
When I am presenting awards at the 2040 Ramblings Festival, and the interviewer asks me to list some of my greatest disappointments, I will not be musing about that chance I had to plant a quick peck on the cheek of a casual acquaintance during a cloudburst in Ruislip High Street.
When I am presenting awards at the 2040 Ramblings Festival, and the interviewer asks me to list some of my greatest disappointments, I will not be musing about that chance I had to plant a quick peck on the cheek of a casual acquaintance during a cloudburst in Ruislip High Street.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
101 Things #79 - Pick a Card
Today's little diatribe, as part of my now-maturing-nicely series of rejections of the bucket-list ideas of others, 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die, has probably the longest title of the set. So step forth, the author of
Daring To Live Fully.com as we unveil your notion to
Actually, others have also proposed this particular idea but that does not make it any better - consider this odd variant from Get Off The Couch:
Let us first clear some of the undergrowth before going for the jugular [Rather confused metaphors there: Ed]. I don't know what a "random" place might be. Wherever you might happen to be is somewhere definite and results in your choice of having gone there. Even if you find a way to be somewhere unexpected (perhaps by jumping into a taxi and telling the cabbie to "Just drive, mate, and here's £200 to be getting on with") then you still have to place your cards. If you drop them in the street you are merely littering. If you leave them on pub tables, they will be used as beer mats. If you hand them out to passers-by they will avoid you with the same disdain we all give to unwanted charity collectors and religious enthusiasts. Resorting to pinning them in phone boxes will mean associating with a very different class of cards and will undermine the image you are trying to create.
Incidentally, you will have to go somewhere you are unknown, otherwise it is possible that the people finding your cards will not be strangers. If they recognise you, or your handwriting, you will find yourself all over Facebook with derogatory postings such as "That nutter from number 38 is doing another of his stupid bucket-list stunts again".
Anyway, let us suppose you are in a new location and have found places to secrete your messages - amongst the romance section in some library, perhaps. You can stand with your back to the cameras and the cool quizzical glance of the librarians as you fumble the cards inside the front cover of Lord Jasper's Marriage, The Mistress of Muldoon Manor and She Got What She Wanted1.
Now we have reviewed the difficulties inherent in genuinely placing our cards randomly amongst strangers, let us turn to the nub of the gist - what are these so-called inspirational messages with which they are to be inscribed?
Are we meant to be recycling the ideas of others or using our own? If the former, then how derivative and boring. And how arrogant, to assume that we have the right to thrust notions in front of others in the first place. They may already be familiar with the constructs in question and might, for very good reasons, wish to reject them. If so, reminding them does not make for a good deed but for a stupid one. More likely the ideas will be utterly trite or utterly unworkable. Ideas such as :
Surely you must come up with some inspiration of your own. Aha, but if you were truly inspired then you wouldn't be looking at other people's bucket-lists for ideas, would you? Got you!
The world is full of people telling everybody else what to think. It is ridiculous to add yet more woffle to the pile. Stick your inspiration on a website or something, by all means, so that those in search of enlightenment can find it. Leave the rest of us alone to browse through Sir Henry and the Scullery Maid in peace, please 3.
Footnotes:
1. I am not sure if any these titles exists. I would be happy to knock one or all of them out for a reasonable advance.
2. The first two words are from Desiderata by Max Erhmann. The rest of the sentence is by Ramblings of Ruislip and is strictly copyright © 2020 so see my lawyers if you wish to quote it.
3. This one is for a rather restricted market.
Create a set of cards with inspirational sayings on them and leave them in random places for strangers to find.
Actually, others have also proposed this particular idea but that does not make it any better - consider this odd variant from Get Off The Couch:
Leave an inspirational message on a sticky note
in a bathroom or public place
in a bathroom or public place
Let us first clear some of the undergrowth before going for the jugular [Rather confused metaphors there: Ed]. I don't know what a "random" place might be. Wherever you might happen to be is somewhere definite and results in your choice of having gone there. Even if you find a way to be somewhere unexpected (perhaps by jumping into a taxi and telling the cabbie to "Just drive, mate, and here's £200 to be getting on with") then you still have to place your cards. If you drop them in the street you are merely littering. If you leave them on pub tables, they will be used as beer mats. If you hand them out to passers-by they will avoid you with the same disdain we all give to unwanted charity collectors and religious enthusiasts. Resorting to pinning them in phone boxes will mean associating with a very different class of cards and will undermine the image you are trying to create.
Incidentally, you will have to go somewhere you are unknown, otherwise it is possible that the people finding your cards will not be strangers. If they recognise you, or your handwriting, you will find yourself all over Facebook with derogatory postings such as "That nutter from number 38 is doing another of his stupid bucket-list stunts again".
Anyway, let us suppose you are in a new location and have found places to secrete your messages - amongst the romance section in some library, perhaps. You can stand with your back to the cameras and the cool quizzical glance of the librarians as you fumble the cards inside the front cover of Lord Jasper's Marriage, The Mistress of Muldoon Manor and She Got What She Wanted1.
Now we have reviewed the difficulties inherent in genuinely placing our cards randomly amongst strangers, let us turn to the nub of the gist - what are these so-called inspirational messages with which they are to be inscribed?
Are we meant to be recycling the ideas of others or using our own? If the former, then how derivative and boring. And how arrogant, to assume that we have the right to thrust notions in front of others in the first place. They may already be familiar with the constructs in question and might, for very good reasons, wish to reject them. If so, reminding them does not make for a good deed but for a stupid one. More likely the ideas will be utterly trite or utterly unworkable. Ideas such as :
- See the beauty of the world in every flower.
- Smile at strangers to make their day.
- Go placidly, and the rest of all that bollocks.2
- Do not ask for credit as a refusal often offends.
- Please remember to take all of your personal belongings with you when you exit the train.
- A stitch in time saves having to go to the menders on the corner who are always shut.
- Don't put off to tomorrow what you can find some mug to do today.
- What goes up must continue going up if it is moving at escape velocity.
Surely you must come up with some inspiration of your own. Aha, but if you were truly inspired then you wouldn't be looking at other people's bucket-lists for ideas, would you? Got you!
The world is full of people telling everybody else what to think. It is ridiculous to add yet more woffle to the pile. Stick your inspiration on a website or something, by all means, so that those in search of enlightenment can find it. Leave the rest of us alone to browse through Sir Henry and the Scullery Maid in peace, please 3.
Footnotes:
1. I am not sure if any these titles exists. I would be happy to knock one or all of them out for a reasonable advance.
2. The first two words are from Desiderata by Max Erhmann. The rest of the sentence is by Ramblings of Ruislip and is strictly copyright © 2020 so see my lawyers if you wish to quote it.
3. This one is for a rather restricted market.
Friday, March 20, 2020
101 Things #78 - Meter Cheat
Humans possess both the imagination and the understanding that there will be a future time when which they will continue to exist. These two factors mean that we think about what we will be doing in the future and, perhaps, plan for it. Many find satisfaction in contemplating the various deeds that they will essay.
A few find equal satisfaction in declining to do those deeds. You may number me amongst the decliners and one such deed, promulgated by Choosingfigs.com seems to me particularly unworthy of being contemplated. I shall therefore add
to my own anti-bucket-list, a catalogue of non-performance objectives that goes by the name of 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die.
I suppose that by "meter" is meant parking meter; it is easy to forget that not long ago there were no such things and instead everyone was familiar with the electric meter. These devices took coins and many a novel featured the impoverished protagonist having to "feed" the meter with his last shilling or face a night sitting in the dark.
Pay as you go meters are still widely used but the feeding with coins is being replaced by electronic credit card payments. A curiosity of the old meter design was that some of the dials that recorded electricity use read backwards, as can be made out on the rightmost of the dials in the left hand panel of this picture. This could easily result in false readings, and still does to this day. But I digress.
I expect that the really exciting, memorable and epic bucket-list item intended by ChoosingFigs (do they eat any other form of fruit?) is to stick a coin into one of these:
Now there are still some points to clarify. Must there be a vehicle parked on the meter bay? Must it be your vehicle or is the idea that you help out a stranger? But the cruncher is this - do you do it knowing that traffic wardens are around or only when the feeding may be done with impunity?
I think that feeding the meter on a empty bay is a tad pointless, although of course it permits a passing motorist to have a freebie (a sort of Monopoly moment, if you will). Equally it is hard to see why you should be proud of bailing out an offender, someone who has wilfully abused the parking rules and who in any case will never know why their meter appeared to be faulty. No, if this is going to be something you can boast about to the lads down the pub then it has to be your vehicle and there has to be a risk, i.e. your car is parked on a meter that has moved into the red, the man in the high-vis jacket and cap is making his way down the street and his little book of tickets is in his hand.
Casually, you saunter out and look around nonchalantly. Nobody would think that you were eyeing up the warden out of the corner of your eye. You admire the fashions in the charity shop window, check the temperature displayed outside the chemists. The warden turns his head to inspect a vehicle nearby. Now is your chance! The coin is ready in your hand. You swing around, deftly insert it and are moving away whistling even as the warden glances about suspiciously. He has left it too late. Your vehicle is parked legitimately and there is no shred of proof as to your misdeed. Well done!
The mood of euphoria will not last. Was it worth it? What, after all, have you achieved? Are you really going to go home and tick this one off your bucket-list? Will you lie awake gazing contentedly up at the ceiling going over the events of the day? - the selection of parking bay in the first place, the hanging around waiting for the first period of time to expire, the surveillance until the warden appeared round the corner, the practised flick of the wrist that inserted the coin - so many rich memories, right down to when you finally drove off leaving a devil-may-care ten minutes of time left for all comers.
I cannot, no matter how hard I try (which is not a lot, to be frank) see any of this as worth commemorating. In fact it is hardly even worth mentioning it in casual conversation. Would it really go like this?
"Morning, Sam. Guess what? I fed an expired parking meter yesterday and got away with it!"
"You didn't!"
"I ruddy well did"
"Never! You old dog, you. Oh well, can't stop, I'm just off to run a double marathon and then I'm taking the Orient Express to Istanbul and coming back by balloon but the moment I touch down I'm going to be calling you to hear more about your wonderful exploits"
I don't see it going it this way. I think this is one little infringement that can safely be ignored.
.
A few find equal satisfaction in declining to do those deeds. You may number me amongst the decliners and one such deed, promulgated by Choosingfigs.com seems to me particularly unworthy of being contemplated. I shall therefore add
Feed an expired meter
to my own anti-bucket-list, a catalogue of non-performance objectives that goes by the name of 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die.
I suppose that by "meter" is meant parking meter; it is easy to forget that not long ago there were no such things and instead everyone was familiar with the electric meter. These devices took coins and many a novel featured the impoverished protagonist having to "feed" the meter with his last shilling or face a night sitting in the dark.
 |
| Pic: BoomBoxDeluxe, on YouTube |
Pay as you go meters are still widely used but the feeding with coins is being replaced by electronic credit card payments. A curiosity of the old meter design was that some of the dials that recorded electricity use read backwards, as can be made out on the rightmost of the dials in the left hand panel of this picture. This could easily result in false readings, and still does to this day. But I digress.
I expect that the really exciting, memorable and epic bucket-list item intended by ChoosingFigs (do they eat any other form of fruit?) is to stick a coin into one of these:
 |
| Pic: The AA |
Now there are still some points to clarify. Must there be a vehicle parked on the meter bay? Must it be your vehicle or is the idea that you help out a stranger? But the cruncher is this - do you do it knowing that traffic wardens are around or only when the feeding may be done with impunity?
I think that feeding the meter on a empty bay is a tad pointless, although of course it permits a passing motorist to have a freebie (a sort of Monopoly moment, if you will). Equally it is hard to see why you should be proud of bailing out an offender, someone who has wilfully abused the parking rules and who in any case will never know why their meter appeared to be faulty. No, if this is going to be something you can boast about to the lads down the pub then it has to be your vehicle and there has to be a risk, i.e. your car is parked on a meter that has moved into the red, the man in the high-vis jacket and cap is making his way down the street and his little book of tickets is in his hand.
Casually, you saunter out and look around nonchalantly. Nobody would think that you were eyeing up the warden out of the corner of your eye. You admire the fashions in the charity shop window, check the temperature displayed outside the chemists. The warden turns his head to inspect a vehicle nearby. Now is your chance! The coin is ready in your hand. You swing around, deftly insert it and are moving away whistling even as the warden glances about suspiciously. He has left it too late. Your vehicle is parked legitimately and there is no shred of proof as to your misdeed. Well done!
The mood of euphoria will not last. Was it worth it? What, after all, have you achieved? Are you really going to go home and tick this one off your bucket-list? Will you lie awake gazing contentedly up at the ceiling going over the events of the day? - the selection of parking bay in the first place, the hanging around waiting for the first period of time to expire, the surveillance until the warden appeared round the corner, the practised flick of the wrist that inserted the coin - so many rich memories, right down to when you finally drove off leaving a devil-may-care ten minutes of time left for all comers.
I cannot, no matter how hard I try (which is not a lot, to be frank) see any of this as worth commemorating. In fact it is hardly even worth mentioning it in casual conversation. Would it really go like this?
"Morning, Sam. Guess what? I fed an expired parking meter yesterday and got away with it!"
"You didn't!"
"I ruddy well did"
"Never! You old dog, you. Oh well, can't stop, I'm just off to run a double marathon and then I'm taking the Orient Express to Istanbul and coming back by balloon but the moment I touch down I'm going to be calling you to hear more about your wonderful exploits"
I don't see it going it this way. I think this is one little infringement that can safely be ignored.
.
Thursday, March 19, 2020
Corona virus crisis
All the pieces currently being published for the series 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die were written well before the current emergency.
Of course, many of the activities I describe and deride are not possible at the present. It is my fervent hope that the time will speedily come when we return to normal. In any case, I shall go on publishing as if nothing had happened.
Of course, many of the activities I describe and deride are not possible at the present. It is my fervent hope that the time will speedily come when we return to normal. In any case, I shall go on publishing as if nothing had happened.
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