Here, then, after extensive and painstaking research, are the facts1.
- Iceland has never invaded Britain. The French2 did at various times and planned a full conquest as recently as 1805.
- We sorted out the Icelanders good and proper in the Cod War.
- French food is pretty good. Terrines, Rillettes, Quiches, Baguettes, Steak-frites. Entremets. In fact, patisserie in general3. Icelandic food is cod.
- French farmers burn British farm exports at the drop of a chapeau.
- EU regulations permit unlimited garlic sellers on bicycles to roam our streets without licence; Itinerant Icelandic cod-sellers wearing horns are confined to the Shetlands.
- It was jolly unfair of Iceland to beat our gallant lads last week.
- Louvre or Museum of Cod? Tough choice.
- France doesn't have a major food retailer named after it.
- Iceland have never won a major football championship so deserve our support as the plucky underdogs.
- France is a much nicer place to go on holiday to and deserve our support as the welcoming hosts.
- It's very cold in Iceland.
- That bloody volcano that blew up the other year and stopped air traffic round the world - they only have extinct ones in France.
- You don't get tarte tatin in Iceland.4
- Chablis, Claret, Calvados, Armagnac, Champagne, Malbec, Cotes de Beaune. Or selected juice of cod. You decide.
- Plucky Iceland's dramatic win over a lethargic and unimaginative England is a real boost to the tournament and restores excitement.
- French kissing is a lot more interesting than Icelandic nose-rubbing or whatever it is they do under all those parkas.
1 All facts are certified by the Editor (if he wants to keep his post).
2 I exclude, of course, the Normans who were not French
3 I could go on.
4Yes, I know I've mentioned food already but this is wholly justified.