Sunday, July 03, 2016

Taking Sides

Tonight Iceland play France in the last quarter-final of the European Cup. What should a patriotic Brit do? Who gets our support?

Here, then, after extensive and painstaking research, are the facts1.
  •  Iceland has never invaded Britain. The French2 did at various times and planned a full conquest as recently as 1805.
  •  We sorted out the Icelanders good and proper in the Cod War.
  •   French food is pretty good. Terrines, Rillettes, Quiches, Baguettes, Steak-frites. Entremets. In fact, patisserie in general3. Icelandic food is cod. 
  •  French farmers burn British farm exports at the drop of a chapeau. 
  •  EU regulations permit unlimited garlic sellers on bicycles to roam our streets without licence; Itinerant Icelandic cod-sellers wearing horns are confined to the Shetlands. 
  •  It was jolly unfair of Iceland to beat our gallant lads last week. 
  •  Louvre or Museum of Cod? Tough choice. 
  •  France doesn't have a major food retailer named after it. 
  •  Iceland have never won a major football championship so deserve our support as the plucky underdogs.
  •  France is a much nicer place to go on holiday to and deserve our support as the welcoming hosts.
  •  It's very cold in Iceland.
  • That bloody volcano that blew up the other year and stopped air traffic round the world - they only have extinct ones in France. 
  • You don't get tarte tatin in Iceland.4 
  • Chablis, Claret, Calvados, Armagnac, Champagne, Malbec, Cotes de Beaune. Or selected juice of cod. You decide. 
  • Plucky Iceland's dramatic win over a lethargic and unimaginative England is a real boost to the tournament and restores excitement.
  • French kissing is a lot more interesting than Icelandic nose-rubbing or whatever it is they do under all those parkas. 
I hope all is now clear and you can make an informed and objective decision.
1 All facts are certified by the Editor (if he wants to keep his post).
 2 I exclude, of course, the Normans who were not French
3 I could go on.
4Yes, I know I've mentioned food already but this is wholly justified.

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