Tuesday, August 01, 2017

Khan: I'll Slaughter Them All If I Have To

From our own correspondent hiding under the bed in Karakorum

It is becoming increasingly difficult to report on the doings. and even the very constitution, of  recently-elected President Ghengis Khan's inner circle of Advisors. According to a goat-herder in the Karakorum market place the leader of the Scar-Mouthed tribe has been honoured. This report was immediately contradicted by a water seller near the East Gate who thought that Khan had declared the Scar-Mouths to be heretics and in league with the devils of the Gobi. There have been sightings of the ghost of the previous spokesman Zarn ("the slicer") Spicer going "Woo Woo" a lot. It has also been suggested that the President's son, Ghengis Jr, has been replaced by a glove puppet and that nobody can tell the difference.

Another casualty of the turmoil is the noble Prince Re-bus who has spent much of the past six months working on the Golden Horde's long term plan to conquer the entire world within thirty days or less. Associates of the Prince have been seen loading up camels and speeding off toward Kashgar. It is not known what has become of the Prince and seasoned observers have begun investigating the dung-hills in a manner that is becoming all too familiar.

Speaking to a delegation of the Ulan Baator Archery Club who were promoting "Why work for a living when you can make someone else do it at the point of a bow Week", Khan said "The Prince was the finest public servant that the Horde could have wished for. And that Scar-Mouthed chap, he was the finest, if not finer. They worked for me, right, so they must be the all-time best. But, you know, they were black-hearted enemies of the Great Mongolian People, in league with many bad spirits and anyone who delivers their heads on a plate will be rewarded. Gosh, it's hot in here, I'm going to have a long rest, wake me up if the Chinese start attacking the city."

In other news, the Horde has been engaged in a fierce stand-off on the remote western frontier against the Kazakhs. A Kazakh on horseback is believed to have ridden up to the frontier post and made an offensive gesture. The Horde officer on duty then made the same gesture back. Tension remains very high. The officer has been quoted as saying "If they give me the finger again then they will have crossed a red line and we will not hesitate in giving them the finger back. In fact, I am authorised to give them two fingers. That's how seriously we take this matter". Appeals for calm from the Moghul Emperor and the Serene Republic of Venice have failed so far.

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