Having a Lark

The news that Britain's newest and biggest ever warship, the aircraft carrier Queen Elizabeth, has a leak requiring repairs is no real surprise to those of us who know everything we need to know about the navy from a certain much-loved BBC Radio series ....

Jaunty music. Sounds of sea slapping against a harbour wall, gulls wheeling and the hum of the bridge on a naval vessel.

Commander Murray: Are we ready to sail Lieutenant Phillips?
Phillips: I should jolly well say so sir. CPO Pertwee, start the old engine thingy will you?
Pertwee: Engines starting sir. into voicetube Start it up down there.
Engine room voice: Start it yourself, it's our tea break.
Pertwee: Just a few moments sir.
Murray: I say, isn't that the Admiral standing there on the dock with Captain Povey?
Phillips:  Must be coming to see us off. We mustn't make a mess of this one. And there's Wren Chasen. Ding-dong.
Murray: Put those binoculars down.  Chief, we really must get under way.
Pertwee: Getting underway right away sir. into voicetube  Come on, put those cards down and fire her up, we need to get out and back before the pubs close.
Awful grinding sound from below
Murray: Ah, chief?
Pertwee: Yessir?
Murray: That noise - is it significant at all, in any way?
Pertwee: Nothing to worry about sir, a little bit of a leak that's all. Lt Phillips checked it all out.
Phillips: I did? Oh yes, I did. Everything definitely tickety boo sir.
Pertwee: And there certainly wasn't any bits of metal missing from the anti-leakage bulkhead, sir.
Phillips: Absolutely not.
Pertwee: So we couldn't possibly have sold them in Portsmouth market.
Phillips: No, it was in Gosport.
Pertwee: Sshh.
Engine room: Chief, I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the engines are started. The bad news is we seem to be taking in a bit of water.
Pertwee: Engines ready sir.
Murray: About time. Lieutenant Phillips, you have the helm.
Phillips: Oh crikey. Right.  Erm, let's see. Ah, left hand down a bit.
Pertwee: Left hand down it is sir.
Murray: I may be a bit wrong about this chaps, but aren't we a bit lower in the sea than we were before?
Pertwee: Oh crikey we're sinking!
Phillips: Oh lumme.
A glug-glug sound effect followed by the gentle sound of the sea.