Exclusive - England at the World Cup 2018

We brought you, several weeks before they happened, the highlights of England's magnificent run in the 2014 World Cup, in which the lads came oh-so-close to a place in the last 16. We covered, several days in advance, the fantastic, nay, incredible, performance at the Euros in 2016 when only the world-beating Icelanders were able to bring an end to our hopes of English hands on that trophy. And now, with the 2018 World Cup just days away, you don't need to waste your time watching or reading about it for, once again, we tell you everything you need to know about :-

England's Road to Glory
as told by our special correspondent¹

18 June Volgograd: England 0 Tunisia 4 The Executive stand newly refurbished for the match On a night of high drama in the seething vortex of hope that was the Rararasputin Stadium in Volgograd, England faced their first crucial game against no-hopers Tunisia. I missed the first few minutes of the game because there was some sort of mix up at the turnstiles A large gentleman wearing a raincoat with the collar turned up suggested I pay him 100 roubles for a "special VIP entrance"; I was a little disappointed to find that this amounted to him shoving me through a hole in a fence at the back of the terracing. "This is the massive one"  England manager G. Southgate had said at a fairly packed press briefing earlier "We're totally confident. It's hardly worthwhile even picking any substitutes" But that's where it all went horribly wrong. Cheered on by at least 30 passionate fez-wearing followers, Mustafa and Ali had no trouble dealing with Butland2 who remained haplessly rooted in the English goalmouth. The only consolation for the English fans was a two-for-one offer on time-expired Golubtsy burgers which led to an unexpected reunion for many of them in Volgograd Emergency Clinic a little later that night. Other match:  Panama 4 Belgium 4

24 June Nizhny Novgorod: England 0 Panama 5 Police struggled to hold back the enthusiastic England fans "This is the big one" said manager G. Southgate at a moderately attended press briefing earlier in the day "We've trained hard for this and we're ready". England made 11 changes for their crucial must-win match against the all-amateur, cigar-puffing Panamanians but found the going difficult in the searing crucible of desire that was the Gulags'R'Us arena. I did not see as much of the game as I would have liked because there was, apparently, some problem with my accreditation, according to the two policemen loitering in the street who then took me down a side alley in order to check my wallet for terrorist materials. After they confiscated a 200 rouble note ("for checking") they told me to "Go, you go quick" and assisted this process with a helpful push that, fortunately, propelled me through the crowd and, somewhat less fortunately, into (and I mean into) the muddy standing area behind the goal. Juan and Pepito easily ran rings round the static defence of Stones and Walker. A vast cheering crowd of at least 25 straw-hatted borriqueros made all the noise whilst the English fans consoled themselves with Old Borscht's Vodka, on special offer at the Djugashvili End for just two kopecks a litre (and stomach pumps afterwards). Other match: Tunisia 4 Belgium 4

28 June Kaliningrad:  England 0 Belgium 6 Huge crowds made a wall of noise behind the English goal in Kaliningrad It was a sober group of reporters who gathered in the Kaliningrad Wimpy bar on the afternoon of the final match in Group G. Sober because border police had confiscated all the duty-free drinks, internal security men had removed all smartphones and laptops ("in case any imperialist running dogs had planted material detrimental to the glorious people's struggle") and the Kaliningrad JolliGoodski Motel charged 35 roubles for a small tin of something called HeiniKan.  "These Belgian lads know a bit about chocolate, but we've got the pride, the guts, God, Harry and St. George behind us" manager G. Southgate stated confidently at a rather poorly attended press briefing.  England pulled out all the stops for their crucial, backs-against-the-wall, Dunkirk spirit, there'll always be an England-football-team, final group match at the blistering cauldron of emotion that was Kashaknishpiryogi Park. But despite making a further 14 changes and recalling Rooney, Charlton, Wright and Matthews, it was surely not England's night as Hergé and Poirot danced around a leaden front line of Sterling and Vardy to the delight of their 13 lace-flaunting supporters. At full time some English fans were on the pitch. They thought it was all over. The Spetznatz dropped a few barrel bombs. It was, then. Other match:  Tunisia 4 Panama 4 All three other teams in the group qualified on the grounds that they are not as crap as England. Mr G. Southgate, the acting England manager said afterwards to a deserted press briefing "I thought the lads done well. They had to play a full 90 minutes each time and getting the ball out of the back of the net so many times was a lot of extra work. The sun was in their eyes, their boots didn't fit too well and it wasn't fair that the other teams ran faster, passed the ball quicker and knew where our goal was. We would have won if only we had scored more goals than they did, it was that close. There's plenty of positives to take to the Euros in 2020. Our back passes were beautiful. Anyway, an English team is bound to win the FA Cup next year so we can be truly proud of our wonderful footballing heritage."

--o--o--o--o--o-- 1. No surprises. It's our very own Ed. 2. Insert name of whoever actually did play in goal. At time of writing could be anyone, really.