101 Things #92 - Going Nowhere

In this series, dedicated to the opposite of aspirations (aimlessness, indifference, rejection are some of the antonyms), I have found it easy to turn my back on various recommendations concerning travel. One or two have been so stupidly vague that they were enrolled into my compendium of the pointless, 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die, almost before I gave them a moment's thought. You may not be surprised to learn that here is yet another of the no-brainer, why even waste time thinking about it, suggestions, that, inexplicably, captivate and enchant others.

I have no intention of following the proposal of Icebreaker Ideas  to

Go on a trip to nowhere.

To their credit, the guys at Icebreaker did try to explain why this is such a stonkingly good idea.

When was the last time you tried to be spontaneous? It’s our primary instinct to plan every step, every activity, and every minute of our day. Even on vacations, we feel like we can’t operate without a pre-determined itinerary! Being spontaneous about plans can help bring you to places you’ve never seen to meet new people and experience new things. So, make time for a day trip. Hop on the first bus to anywhere and see where your feet take you when you travel without a plan. 

These comments are helpful. Without them I would surely have become enmeshed, maybe bogged down, in a philosophical discussion about the meaning of "nowhere" and whether this meant in a geographical, social or metaphysical sense. Enjoyable though such ruminations might have been, perhaps some of my loyal readers would have, as it were, changed channels long before the end [and who could blame them? Ed].

We shall take another course now that some of the rules of this game have been clarified. We are going by foot and by bus. We are going on a day trip. There is no plan. How delightful this appears at first. How utterly banal it will work out in practice, especially if we begin our journey from beautiful Ruislip.

The first bus to anywhere, you say? That will probably be the 114 which, if we cross the road first, will take us just half a mile to Ruislip station where that route terminates. Not really a day trip of much interest. If we stay on this side of the road we will be carried through the depths of neighbouring Harrow and on to the distant heights of far-flung and mysterious Mill Hill¹. A lovely spot and just right to catch the first 114 back to Ruislip.

Mill Hill, famous for being convenient to the A1 out of London
Pic: courtesy of Google Maps

I rather doubt if my subsequent Journal Of Discovery - Forty Minutes In Mill Hill And How I Returned will earn me Travel Writer of the Year, though.

We do not just have the one bus within an easy hop. It is also possible to take the H13 either to the Lido or to St Vincent's Hospital but as both destinations are within a couple of miles of home (and very close to each other, separated only by half a mile of woodland) this is not exactly a Magical Mystery Tour to Nowhere, just a short trip round the block. As to the mysterious 398, it wanders through the back streets in a vague south-easterly direction and then gives up in a place I have never visited (and have no desire to). 

Is that it, you may be spluttering? Just get on - no sorry, hop on a bus (no doubt "grabbing" a coffee on the way) and go to a nondescript London suburb and then come home? Surely there must be more to it? There should be discovery, marvellous experiences, a realisation that other cultures have so much to offer, a meeting of minds and a sharing of hopes for a better world? Mustn't there? Or do we just pop into the Red Rooster takeaway for a bag of chips?

That's the trouble with these no-plan, take the first means of transport, concepts. Utterly and stupidly impractical. There are no buses to nowhere (although some might finger the night bus to Hayes as coming pretty damn close). Everything goes somewhere and what's more it gets there from wherever you happen to be starting from. That is the crucial flaw in the plan.

You have to be somewhere at the start and that automatically fixes where you are going to end up. Buses run where people live and work, attend schools or hospitals, or connect to train stations and airports. By selecting one, however randomly, you are always going to end up somewhere and somewhere you know, to boot.

The only way to put some mystery back into this process is to go to a long distance transport hub. But now we have kicked out the random element and replaced it with a different subset of likely destinations. It is still not going to be nowhere, just somewhere a bit further away than the place you would have got to by walking down to the nearest bus-stop. Also bear in mind this is supposed to be a day trip. No point in settling down on the Inverness Express only to realise, with growing dread, that it takes fourteen hours to get there and the first bus back is not for another seven hours after that.

Finally imagine how you relay the story of your trip upon your triumphant return:-

"Darling, I'm home, I went to nowhere for the day. Absolutely nothing happened, obviously, as there is nothing whatsoever to do in nowhere but I can finally tick this one off my bucket list."

Don't worry about it. Mill Hill (or the equivalent wherever you live) can do perfectly well without your surprise visit. Why not go on a planned trip to somewhere instead? That way maybe you can do something enjoyable and worthwhile with your time.

Footnote:
1. That's just where the 114 happens to terminate. There is no particular reason why Ruislip and Mill Hill should be linked in this way. I doubt if anyone ever makes the whole journey. You may, however, have done so or know somebody who has. If so, keep it to yourself, alright?