From our correspondent newly arrived in Rome and trying to settle in at a one room, no water, flat on the Aventine hill
Having secured his election as Imperator of the Roman Republic, and with his toga freshly washed after the "unfortunate incident", Senator Cassius has begun the exacting task of finding the most upright, just and wise men to replace those who have vacated their offices due to being found with a dagger in the back. He has summoned the best augers to the Temple of Bacchus where, he said, the Gods spent most of their leisure time, and with the most conducive atmosphere for such a solemn proceedings.
According to an auger with whom I shared a tasty dormouse on a stick, the traditional procedure is for the applicant to pray devoutly, before an auger inspects the entrails of a freshly slaughtered goat to learn the Divine intent. However, Sen. Cassius chose a different method. He threw a chicken into the air and declared that it was the will of the Gods that his very good friend, (and not at all envious), P. S. Casca, should become chief magistrate.
Some of the augers muttered about impiety but Sen. Cassius next threw a die, said that it showed number 4 and that meant that another very good friend and experienced back-stabber, M. Cimber, was destined to lead the Praetorian Guard. He commended both men to the Senate and announced he would continue revealing the blessed guidance of the gods in the coming days.
Those Election Results in Full
Sources: various, including some plebs who reckoned they knew, a muttering soothsayer, and a lady I met in a taberna who declared herself to be a Vestal Virgin but this was her night off.
Caesar, G.J. (Slaughter the Gauls and make J. Caesar divine emperor party) - Unavailable due to ill-health and several unwanted daggers.
Brutus, M.J. (Noble party) Sulking in his tent
Antony, M. (Full of eastern promise party) Gone off with Cleopatra
Lepidus, M.A. (Triumvirate party) Too slight and unmerited
Cicero, Q.T. (Independent) Talked too much
Cinna the Poet. (Crap poetry party) Still crap.
Cassius, M.B. (Honourable party) Acclaimed winner due to all other candidates' untimely death, retirement or mysterious relocation to the Cloaca Maxima.
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