Windows 10

I took the plunge this week and updated from good old Windows 7 to the shiny new incarnation of this long-running title. Microsoft has been nagging me all year, with its nasty trick of including the upgrade in its normal updates, and when I marked it to stop it going ahead, putting it back on the approved list without telling me. However, it is free so musn't grumble too much.

In the past I have migrated to new versions of Windows by buying a new PC; it's been so long since I last did an in-situ upgrade I can't remember what it was (Windows 3.1?)

I am miffed at the following which really should not have happened:

• Nearly 3gb of files were downloaded last year. When I started the upgrade the whole lot were downloaded again. Why? Either the first lot should never have been sent or the last lot were not needed. 
• Despite all sorts of assurances that settings would be retained, the video driver for my relatively new graphics card, GTX 960, was overwritten and replaced by a much less capable Microsoft driver. Yes, a Windows 10 version was available from Nvidia, makers of the graphic chips. My anger is that Windows did not tell me it was ditching the driver.
• Similarly with the audio driver. There was no sound until I forced Windows to run a diagnostic test whereupon it sorted itself out. I then had to reinstall a piece of software for making recordings because the system had got confused about which audio driver did what.
• The next day, when I did a restart, the system started doing updates which took about 20 minutes to complete. No warning that I would have to wait or chance to delay them. Just an irritating little swirly dot shape on the screen. Updates the day after an installation? What were they? I clicked on a popup that told me that the system was updated, expecting to see some details and all that happened was that the popup went away.
• My date and time formats, set to normal UK (dd/mm/yy) changed to American (mm/dd/yy)
• My currency format, £, changed to $.
• Many of the desktop icons have been replaced by black oblongs. This seems to be an intermittent fault and the proper icons sometimes come back after I go in and out of the settings commands. There's a few comments on this behaviour on the web and it appears to go back to Windows 8 and even 7. But no acknowledgement of it from Microsoft. [Update: it seems the problem was created by a registry tweak to remove the pointless little "shortcut" arrow that goes over the icon to show that it is a shortcut, even though you know that already since you are the person who put the shortcut there in the first place. Hopefully a better tweak will come along]

That's the gripe list so far. Everything else does seem to be working. My desktop looks exactly like the old one (apart from when icons go black, as mentioned above), there's some funny little tile things if you click the start  Windows button but I've deleted the pointless ones (like Twitter which refused to update live tweets from people I follow).. My most complex piece of software is probably Skyrim with a number of mods. It failed to load until I removed them; now I am slowly putting them back one by one to see which is the culprit and the finger is pointing at one of the graphics enhancements.

Moral of this story: Don't upgrade to 10 if you are not confident about changing settings, reloading drivers and reinstalling software, or if you don't know someone who can help. Go for a new computer instead.

You're absholved, oshifer

In the middle ages in England, anyone accused of a serious crime could avoid the death penalty by pleading that they were a cleric. The test was to ask them to read a line from the Bible on the grounds that literacy was sure proof of a priestly education.

In these modern days that test is no longer much help and anyway the law is the same for men (and women) of the cloth and the rest of us. Or is it? Here's one man who firmly believes in the Benefit of Clergy. Stand up, (if you're sober enough), our hero Gareth Jones who, despite his important post as vicar of Saint Mary the Virgin at Great Ilford, told the police where to get off when they found him being drunk and extremely disorderly. Not content with having a go at a paramedic, he then lashed out at the police who were attempting to restrain him, although he was too drunk to stand up.

At one point he shouted “I have diplomatic immunity”. When asked from which embassy, replied: “The Vatican, you’re fucked.”

 Many of us have long suspected that the Church was moving closer to Rome. With this confirmation that the career of a serving police officer is about to be investigated by the Curia, and the threat of excommunication hanging over Scotland Yard, we have the proof.

Exclusive: All you need to know and less about England in the Euros 2016

The interest in the despatches from our special correspondent (the faceless journalist known only as 'The Editor') from the seething cauldrons of emotion that were the stadia in the Brazil World Cup a couple of years ago, has triggered an all-too-predictable reaction for more of the same, now that yet another of these football-fests is about to kick off.

This time the assignment is not so much the steaming jungles and the incessant sound of native drums, piranhas and mosquitos, but the steaming urban jungles and incessant sounds of boules clicking on dusty village squares, wine being swilled and spat out at passing tourists, farmers blocking roads, air traffic controllers blocking airspace and burly middle-European midfielders blocking the brave but doomed challenges of the flower of English youth. Oh, and do not make the mistake of thinking that this piece contains deliberate distortions about the proclivities of the French to go on strike at the drop of a chapeau - cop a load of this if you need convincing.

Here then is what awaits us, the stories that would be filed by The Editor if only he were going.

June 11th:  Marseilles.
England vs Russia. Result: 0-0. Rashford sent off at half time as he was up after his bedtime

Our expert says:
[Emotions ran high and the tackles were higher in this sun-drenched arena of destiny that was the Stade des Casseroles, where both teams committed as they were to giving everything for their countries played out a goalless match of stupefying boredom. I did however enjoy the Mexican wave (from Carlos Juan Espadrillo of Monterrey when he was trying to attract a barman's attention).
High point: My half time snack of Rillettes aux Innards was jolly tasty
Low point: Inadvertently seeing it again two hours later in somewhat more digested form. 
Other group match: Wales 0 Slovakia 0 

June 16th: Lens Aggio
England vs Wales. Result 0-0. Rooney sent off after making a comment to Bale about Cardigan sheep-farmers.

Our expert says:
[In the blistering pressure-cooker that was the ampitheatre of doom that was, and still is, the Stade des Legumes, the teams gave their all in a match that drained every last drop of emotion and every last drop of beer. Afterwards it was truly moving to see both sets of fans joined together in fraternal amity as they showed some Belgians what a real kicking was all about.
High point: My first tasting of Andouilletts de Refuses
Low point: Ward 16, Lens General Hospital, 3:00am the next day.]
Other group match: Russia 0 Slovakia 0

June 20th: Saint-Etienne
England vs Slovakia. Result 0-0. Milner sent off for making one too many boring back passes

Our expert says:
[The agonising face of total footballing dedication showed on the faces of both teams in this gladitorial match-of-death, fight-to-the-finish, conquer or, er, be conquered contest in the blistering sun-scorched glittering shimmering bowl of glory that was the Stade des Profiteroles avec Creme Fraiche. It was unfortunate that there were no shots on target, or even off-target, or indeed shots of any description but the quality of the back-passing, the hoofing of the ball into the back row of the stands and the nasal clearances could not be doubted.
High point: 3 litres of Biere des Grenouilles et Escargots, vintage 2015
Low point: Waking up, somewhat unshaven and dishevelled, in Bordeaux two days later]
Other group match: Wales 0 Russia 0

Group result. Everybody goes through except England for "technical reasons" and nothing at all to do with whistle-blowing about the World Cup being rigged. Sandy Shaw winning Eurovision and Waterloo. Mr Podgeson, the acting England manager said "I'm delighted with this result, we can build on the positives and the lads can't wait to do it all over again in the World Cup"

The EU Referendum 11 - Don't believe forecasts, believe my, er, forecast

Interviewed on BBC's Today radio programme this morning, leading Brexiter Iain Duncan Smith dismissed a forecast about to be released by the Treasury. The forecast is another dire warning about the economic consequences of the UK leaving the EU. Mr Smith's justification was simple. They did not forecast the crash in 2008 so why should anything they say be taken seriously now?

One little problem. I don't recall Mr Smith forecasting the crash either. So if the accuracy of past warnings is anything to go on, why should his forecast, that the UK will be alright if it leaves, be worth any more than that of people who spend all day analysing economic matters?

The EU Referendum 10 - 2000 years of history vs B. Johnson

Boris Johnson's latest, headline-grabbing, intervention in the referendum debate has been to compare the EU's unifying ambitions with those of Hitler. He does not directly accuse the EU Commission of building concentration camps, nor has he claimed to spot Angela Merkel donning a sinister black leather uniform and pointing at maps overlaid with arrows. Indeed, he was at pains to distinguish the methods of those running the EU and the Nazis. What makes them comparable, he says, is the aim of unifying Europe which has always ended "tragically".

Humm. Hard to know where to begin on this one. Of course the purpose of his remarks was to make a headline and associate "Hitler" and "EU" in the minds of voters. This is such a disgusting tactic that it is hard to take him seriously any more. Sadly, as he is the MP for my constituency I am stuck with him.

I do agree that when military leaders have attempted to conquer large parts of Europe it has tended to end badly. Equally I assume that Johnson is not saying that all unifications achieved in part or whole by military efforts in the past are tragic and should be undone. If he is then goodbye UK, welcome back the patchwork quilt of tribal areas that predominated (as far as we can tell) for hundreds of years before the Romans knocked it on the head in 44 AD.  And the same goes for nearly all of France, all of Germany, great chunks of Italy, slivers of Spain, etc. These countries emerged often from a constrained merger of peoples speaking different languages and with different cultures. And the processes often were tragic - think of the massacres in Southern France of the Cathars or the expulsion of Moors after the conquest of Andalucia.

What Johnson is expecting us to recall is the attempts in modern times to stamp one authority over the continent. This started with Napoleon, was inherited as an idea by Kaiser Wilhelm I and reached its ghastly apogee first under Hitler and then Stalin. But all this bloodshed and destruction was the result of wars between nation states. In each case there was an immediate military conflict between neighbours which developed into attempts to create a continental system. The EU, in total contrast, began after a terrible war had ended and represented a genuine attempt between ex-belligerents to find a new way of living together. Nothing has ever been done like it before. Countries have gradually surrendered sovereignty deliberately to further the project. Whether it will ever end in a United States of Europe is impossible to tell - I suspect the language and culture differences across the continent are too great for that, and the levels of economic development too far apart to assume that the richer countries will happily subsidise the poorer. But the effort to keep the project moving is entirely worthwhile. It takes Europe ever further from the nation state system that has arguably been a catastrophe. It puts Europe alongside the other great powerhouses of the 21st century - China, the US, India (and perhaps Russia). These states are all sufficiently large and diverse to be equivalent to continents that have come together in unifying projects. China's started a long time ago, even before the Romans popped over the Channel, and India's was forced on it after independence from British rule; but this does not invalidate the main thrust of this argument.

We are perhaps half way through the unification of Europe, a process that started under Rome, fell apart around 410 AD and has been stuttering and stop-starting ever since. It has taken 1600 years for Europe's internal borders to be agreed - can you imagine a war starting now over where a border should be (Former Yugoslavian countries and countries bordering on Russia excepted)? Yet such activity was commonplace and regarded as thoroughly glorious no more than a hundred years ago.

I find it amazing that Johnson was unable to articulate any of this right up to the moment he declared his support for the No campaign. These issues are so fundamental that he surely must always have felt that the EU was similar to a fascist dictatorship. The idea that the EU would move in the direction of an "ever closer union" has been established for years. So why did he not say all this last year? Or if it really came down the details of the settlement negotiated by his colleague David Cameron in February, then how he can be so dogmatic about it? - waiting to see the reuslts of that process can only imply that there was a good chance he would have approved the results, and therefore that he does not in any way at all think that his historical parallels hold water.

It is desperately sad that Mr Johnson, forever looking backwards at some glorious imagined past, has not got the imagination to look ahead and visualise a better future for us all, and has used his fine talents as a genuinely popular and charismatic politician to distort history for a short-term political cause that he does not really believe in.