Tuesday, August 09, 2022

Special Selection

 Posters advertising Coca-Cola have appeared in the streets of beautiful (and once more, extremely warm) Ruislip. Rather than extol the thirst-quenching values of this beverage, assuming there are any, they feature a large photo of a radiant Kate Moss1 and some strap-line about a competition featuring 000's of prizes selected by Ms Moss herself.

It's hard to believe that a wealthy lady, whose partner is one Nikolai von Bismarck2, would be arsed to visit the offices of the Coca-Cola company (even though they are in Uxbridge, just a few short stops on the Met from Ruislip), rather than loll about on the terrace of her chateau, watching her soul-mate drawing lines on a map of Europe and pondering alliances, but there it is. We are now forced to imagine the scene.

Scene: The marketing department at Coca-Cola HQ, Uxbridge. A manager is dusting off the flipchart and practising buzz-phrases.

Manager to herself: 'Imaginate the unperplexible'. 'Ground-breaking enterprise paradigm-shift'. 'Pro-active synergistic customer-facing synergy'. Oh, God, that last one's wrong. Think, Nigella, think. What the hell is is it? '

Door opens. A radiant Ms Moss is ushered in by an overwhelmed intern

Taz3: In here, Ms Moss. Gosh, may I say how much I loved your heroin chic look, I'm definitely going to do heroin just as soon as I've earned enough to buy a box

Moss: Awfully sweet of you, young man.

Manager: Kate, lovely to see you

Moss: Wonderful to see you darling thinks 'Who is she again?'

They air kiss, several times.

Manager: Can I offer you a drink?

Moss: Cor, I could murder a cuppa tea and a custard cream.

Manager: Ah, not one of our ice-cold, super refreshing, real thing, carbonated and made with a secret recipe that definitely does not include cocaine, not any more, any way, tins? 

Moss: Do me a favour

Manager: Cup of tea for Ms Moss, Taz

Taz: Right away. I'll nip down to the cafe by the station. Shouldn't take more than about ten minutes. exits

Manager: Now we won't keep you long, I know you're leaving to do a tour of the Maginot Line with Nicky. It's just a matter of your personal selection of the prizes.

Moss: I've given it a lot of thought in the last two minutes. You say I need to select 000's?"

Manager: Not really. There'll be 500 of each. So just four selections will satisfy the Advertising Standards people. 

Moss: Jolly good. One yellow mug, one green one, one blue one and one red one.

Manager: Thank you so much Ms Moss and the cheque's in the post.

Moss: Bleedin' better be, darling.


Footnote

1. Ms Moss, b 1974, is a model who, according to Google, rose to fame in the 1990s as part of the "heroin chic" fashion trend. Speaking as one who was once famed for being part of the "aspirin ponce" fashion trend, I recognise her as one of my peers.

2. Yes, really, if Google is to be believed.

3.  He certainly gets around.

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