I really thought my go at Mastercard recently would put an end to this sort of thing, but no, it's summer, the real admen are all on holiday and the apprentices have taken over the laboratory. Today another financial institution, who really should know better, decided to serve me this in my Twitter feed:
This is the same NatWest who, having occupied a prominent position on Ruislip High Street for some 100 years, (I include their ancestors, such as Westminster Bank), have announced that the branch is to close. The nearest branch will be at Uxbridge, not far but anyone going from Ruislip will have to allow a minimum of 30 minutes for the round trip.
"Never stop starting". I thought this was a reference to a vintage car where the choke was left out on a cold day. I recall driving my family's Ford Anglia in such a way, the car jerking forward and then spasmodically stopping before a fresh push on the throttle (being careful not to flood the engine) kicked it back into life. Cars don't do that any more. They can indeed be accurately described as "never stop starting".
I don't suppose this was what NatWest had in mind. It must be a kindly exhortation from them to the rest of us - "Hey you lazy lot, stop slacking and get on with it. Never, I repeat NEVER stop starting! If we catch any member of the public not starting we shall confiscate their paying-in books!"
Sod that. I shall stop starting as much as I like. I shall wake up on a fine sunny day and think "Today is the day to do a bit of starting. Not right away, let's have breakfast and a leisurely sit-around first, then maybe a nice cup of coffee but definitely before lunch, or at least very soon after it, if it's not clouding over by then and there's no test match to listen to, okay, maybe in the late afternoon, no, it's too late, the moment has passed. Tomorrow. That's it. Tomorrow I shall start. I shall not stop. I shall not fail in the eyes of NatWest. I will never stop starting again. Unless it rains."
You might have thought that having dreamed up this stupid slogan, the admen (or the interns) would put their feet up with a sigh of content and get back to gambling billions of our money on derivatives (whatever they are). But no. No patronising tweet is complete without a hashtag slogan. And what a slogan it is. Einstein, Weinberg, Hawking, Smolin, Rovelli1- your boys took a hell of a beating. The boffins at NatWest have got there first. Time is not just relative - it has been collapsed entirely. Tomorrow begins Today! There is no future because you are already living it.
This must make office life rather tricky down at the bank.
"Withers, I'd like to see you tomorrow to review the Arkwright files"
"You mean later today sir. Tomorrow begins today"
"Ah. Yes. Damn, have to slot you around 11pm due to all the other things I had scheduled for tomorrow that are of course happening today. By the way, you're dressed a bit casually, aren't you?
"I'm off to the golf course for the tournament"
"But that's not till the day after tomorrow"
"Exactly sir. But as tomorrow begins today, then the day after tomorrow must be tomorrow but tomorrow begins today. Bye, sir"
Finally, in the interests of transparency, I should point out that I do not bank with NatWest and am unlikely to do so in the future (assuming the future exists). I shall be even less likely now that they have removed the nearest branch to me. Or <cue sinister music> can it be that tomorrow actually started yesterday and I have already opened an account with them? <fade out sinister music, replace with continuity announcer> "Tune in next week, whenever that is, to find out".
Note
1. The first few physicists specialising in time, relativity and cosmology, I could think of.
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