I have no problems, most of the time, understanding why other people wish to do things from which I resile. We all have different tastes. It is however, really hard to see why anyone should wish to take the advice of Lifehack and
Get arrested for a minor offence.
I suppose Ms Tegan Jones, the person behind Lifehack, thinks that being arrested is cool. Perhaps, being American, she envisages a couple of smooth-talking cops, each wearing mirror shades, strolling up to her apartment in downtown Beverly Hills whilst chewing gum (I believe US cops are able to do these two things at once, when they are not busy arresting children).
So they haul her ass downtown1. Her rights are read, they make an entry on the police blotter (those state-issue pens are so leaky) and she goes into the slammer (er, jail cell) until the DA is ready to give her the works - probably the Complete Works of Shakespeare or something, there's not much else to do in the slammer2.
So much for fantasy. I think this "get arrested" idea needs closer examination. The key question is whether you committed the offence in question. You, my friend, are undoubtedly honest and upright. You do not have a police record, nor do you associate with disreputable types. You have therefore a difficult choice to make - do you do it or not?
You commit an offence
You decide to commit an offence. Naturally, you will need to consult a lawyer before you do anything to make sure that what you are intending to do is both illegal and classed as minor, but it mustn't be so minor that an on-the-spot fine is the penalty, because you have to be arrested for the "achievement" to qualify.
Now, what sort of offence will guarantee a speedy arrest? You don't want to do it and get away with it, that would simply mark you out as a potentially successful criminal. You don't want this to be one of those cold cases unearthed by retired detectives in twenty years time that you hear about all the time on TV. Whatever it is, justice must be fast. Ideally you want your collar felt within seconds of overstepping the bounds.
I suggest that old favourite, lifting a policeman's helmet. The preferred time, for a gentleman, is on Boat Race Night and the location has to be London's fashionable West End. A quick shove, a deft flick of the hand and the helmet can be secured before the copper can utter the standard wording required in this situation - "'Ere, what's your game?"
A brief chase can ensue but you need to be caught so don't try to outpace him. Remember to say something about "Bang to rights" (not "You'll never take me alive, copper"). Expect to be placed in the back of a police car and whisked off to the cells before an appearance before the beak next morning and a five-shilling fine (This might have been increased in recent years).
I don't see much glory in doing all this, though. You will get a police record, you will have wasted the time of both police and the judiciary, and, as they won't allow any selfies of you languishing in the cell, there will be precious little to show for it other than a paragraph in the local paper3. Why should you endure a sleepless night just so you can see what police station tea in a chipped mug with three sugars really tastes like?
You are wrongfully arrested
This is harder. People are often arrested for crimes they did not commit but to set out to be nabbed when you didn't do it is hard. Characters in Agatha Christie novels may do it all the time but this, I am afraid, is real life. Simply hanging around in the hope of a wrongful arrest is unlikely to work, unless you want to be charged with loitering with intent but in that case it seems that guilty is the right verdict.
You could lurk near a jewellers shop with half a brick to hand and hope a real robber will dash in, do the job and make a getaway while you stand there mouth agape. You could stand very close to a drug dealer and keep looking around in a shifty way so that they pick you up at the same time as they jump on him.Taking part in a rowdy demonstration might see you dragged into a side street and given a good thumping before they charge you with assault, damaging a police truncheon and treason. Or maybe just change your name to "Fingers" O'Rourke and let nature take its course.
Of course you run the risk that, once arrested, you get fitted up with something anyway. Yes, you get the experience of the arrest with all the trimmings as described above, but surely it cannot be worth it to have the magistrate blinking at you over her horn-rimmed spectacles whilst the clerk whispers in her ear to remind her of the maximum sentence she can impose, and your neighbours, gaping incredulously from the gallery, whisper to each other that they always thought you were a bad lot.
What you must put out of your mind is the dramatic scene in court with your barrister producing a surprise witness who establishes your alibi, the despair of the Crown Prosecutor4, the cheering of the onlookers, even the judge smiling as he asks for silence in court and your autograph on the charge sheet, and warm handshakes from the beaming jury before you are whisked onto the shoulders of your supporters and carried out to meet a vast applauding crowd on the steps of the courthouse ....5
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Getting arrested, innocent or not, found guilty or acquitted, is not what I want to think about toward the end of my life when I am reviewing all my achievements. When the recording angel asks me what I am proud to have accomplished, my answer is not going to be "Ruislip police done me for an illegal parking and you know what, I don't care, I did my time and I'd do it all over again".
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Footnotes:
1. This is really up-to-date and trendy usage. It does not mean that they take her donkey into custody. Nor any separate part of her anatomy. Nor does anything actually get hauled in the sense of being tied to the rear bumper of their police car for a drive down Sunset Boulevard. It just means they give her a lift, that's all.
2. So I gather from my close reading of the works of Raymond Chandler.
3. They do still have local papers, don't they? Or are you to rely on someone snitching you up on Facebook?
4. That's DA for my loyal American followers.
5. Commissioning Editors! This can easily be made into an award-winning script. Drop me a line.
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