Chat Show Fame, Here We Come

 I received the following missive on the horrible direct messaging system that Facebook employs, Messenger. It is from somebody I don't know (and I thought only Friends could send dms) but anyway this is what it said:

Dear Author AnthonyG¹,   would you like to come on SKY TV  to talk about yourself and your book/read a review or an excerpts, or what you prefer. My name is Carol Azams, myself with Award winning Author David P. Perlmutter are starting Books & Authors TV  to support authors by promoting their books on Sky Television.  Pls reply for if interested for more details. Thanks
Today at 12:13
 

 Gosh, "Author AnthonyG". How flattering. And how odd. For though am I indeed a published author, as my reply below confirms, I find it impossible to believe that I could have been deliberately selected from the vast number of more popular authors who actually have books in print/digital rather than me with my academic effort from 45 years ago. 

There is a real Carol Azams who presents a TV channel, and a real David P Perlmutter, an author who lives not too far from me. I assume the message is genuine, albeit perhaps sent out as part of a huge batch by an intern (Yes, once again, and why not) and that they will sift out the most interesting and photogenic respondents to come round for a cosy session on the sofa and a nice cup of tea and biscuit in the green room afterwards. There is no way I would be chosen out of this process.

I must admit the idea of being whisked off in a stretch limo, to be flattered under the studio lights while a rapt audience struggled to hold back waves of applause did, for one infinitesimal moment, hurtle through my cortex before an gang of neurons from the "Don't be so bloody stupid" department laid into it. And then with common sense prevailing I submitted this reply

Dear Carol, what a wonderful invitation. The only book I have actually had published was "Financial Accounting", Hodder & Stoughton, 1978 and I know the chapter on inventory valuations under current cost accounting is one that people still argue fiercely about in pubs even to this day. Alas, a planned C4 documentary on "Great undiscovered accountants of Middlesex" fell through quite recently but I am confident that the ratings for any show with me in it will be off the scale. Depending on how big the scale is, of course and whether it goes under 0.

At this point, because I was typing on a real keyboard, I hit the space-bar to insert a paragraph. Bloody Messenger interprets this as the Send Message instruction so I had to add a coda
 

Sorry for pressing the enter key too quickly, I really hate using Messenger. All the best, Anthony.

And there the matter rests. Ms Azams (or Taz) has yet to reply, which does seem to make the use of a direct messaging system pointless. I am rather hoping to be invited to join them as one of the chat show hosts, perhaps doing the Cyril Fletcher role as seen on the much-loved BBC show That's Life. Cyril, as I recall, lolled about in a comfy chair and inserted short and pungent witticisms after Rantzen and Co had routinely blasted the Gas Board, or British Rail or BL or other reviled British enterprises for failings in their dealings with the public. Certainly beats actually trying to write another blasted book.

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Other chat show presenters! If you wish to join the bidding war for my services, now is the time to contact us at the usual address and submit your plain brown envelopes complete with tasty contents. Terms and Conditions apply and are fully covered in my latest trilogy Terms and Conditions: The Beginning, Terms and Conditions: The Editor Strikes Back and Terms and Conditions: The Reckoning (complete with itemised bill, VAT and non-discretionary Service Charge).

Footnote

1. My real name was used but I've redacted it to match my blog id