Sunday, May 03, 2020

101 Things #100 - Ton Up

Folks, we've reached our century. For the last eight months I have been writing these little pieces to describe, deride and demolish [I shall miss this brilliant alliteration, you know: Ed] popular ideas for bucket-lists, the things one is supposed to be passionate about doing before death. These form my compilation 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die1.

Some are based on personal dislikes and foibles. The majority have been collected them from quite a number of websites each of which has long lists of recommendations. What connects every piece is that all of these are things I will not do before I die (and I certainly shan't be bothering afterwards).

In each of the previous 99 pieces I have tried to explain the notion under examination and then ripped into it. Here, in order to do something a little different, I have hand-selected2 several idiotic and risible ideas and will aim to dismiss each in a few lines. Think of this as a sort of coda to the concerto, or as an encore after the main set, or, if you prefer, as the petits fours after a superb six course meal at a swanky restaurant  - you don't need any more food at this stage but who turns down petits fours? 3


 First up, get your thinking gear wrapped around this almost incomprehensible idea from Develop Good Habits to

Be in two places at once.

The website doesn't give us the crucial information needed to make this a useful goal, viz. which two places? I assume they don't mean two physically separate places, such as Ruislip and Ruislip Manor for example, divided as they are by about half a mile of fairly dull suburban housing yet linked by the Metropolitan Railway (journey time approx 1 minute). In fact, I can't imagine any two places that one could simultaneously inhabit, although I am reminded of a gag which goes something like "He was in the state of Arizona and I was in a state of exhaustion", but that's not important right now.

 I'm pretty sure this is not meant to be about some assertion based on quantum physics; elementary particles are said to have have wave functions that embrace the entire universe and thereby theoretically being in every place at once. I hope this is not the case because this branch of physics gives me the sort of headaches only peanuts and an hour of two of Skyrim can dissipate.

I think we can heave this one into the dustbin of despair for the time being.


 Next, step forward the brains behind and tell us, in your own words, what's so special about attempting to

Live through 4 seasons of the year:
Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter.

I have lived through these very four seasons something like ... well, let's just say quite a few times. There's nothing to it. One only has to go on living and there you are, each year you can tick off another set. Obviously this is not something I can refuse to do, per se, but I can certainly refuse to regard it as anything worth achieving. What makes it odder is that the source is a New Zealand based website and seasons in that part of the world are fairly similar to those in the UK, I gather.


Now, please put your hands together for something so easy to mock that should slink away in shame. No, I am not going to

Say yes to everything for a day

and nor are you. Consider this simple rebuttal:

"Darling, you're not going to wear those trousers are you? They're filthy"
"Yes? Yes what? Yes you are going to wear them or yes you agree you are not going to wear them or yes they are filthy?"
"Um....I think I meant no"
"No? No what? No they are okay to wear, is that what you're saying?"
"Yes. No. Oh, help me, my friends at Bucketlist, what the hell am I supposed to say?"


 We shall pass swiftly on to consider a frankly unworkable plan proposed by Aussie on the I mean, really, one cannot take seriously the notion to

Go a month without the internet.

Without the internet it would not be possible to bring you fresh instalments of Ramblings. Nor could you flick through the back numbers whilst waiting for an update. I think I need say no more.


And finally, as a perfect example of the utter and complete pointlessness of bucket-lists and their creators, make yourself a strong cup of tea and sit down and have a think about this one -

Get a pair of plain white canvas shoes and draw on them.

Daring to Live came up with this and quite honestly we think they should have a jolly good lie down and a hard think about the direction of their lives. I suppose a three-year old would regard scribbling on his new shoes as an afternoon well spent. For the rest of us, we do have other things to do, you know.

And with that we conclude the proceedings, leaving only the wrap-up for the final piece. Go and have that strong cup of tea, you've earned it.


1. My next set, 101 Things I Refuse To Do In The Afterlife may follow, given sufficient interest.
2. Sounds good that. Hand-selected. It's a bit like calling something 'artisan', Doesn't really mean a thing but definitely impressive.
3. Some of us would be happy to more or less move directly to the petits fours but it's not as simple as that.

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