The landline rang and it was an unfamiliar number. I automatically assumed it was a spam call but, because I like playing games with these people, I picked up. After a short pause, a friendly English male voice announced himself as "Chris, your local energy advisor for your postcode".
I was intrigued. I don't know how you get to be an expert on local energy but, let me tell you, there's loads of it round here, from the gale force winds that blow at the top of Windmill Hill near where I live in beautiful Ruislip, to the majestic onrushing waters of the river Pinn. I also pondered on how anyone could be an advisor for a postcode and whether he had opted for my area or had it handed it to him by his manager "Jim, you lucky sod, you get W1A, plenty of rich folk there, Alison, you get OK4, take your waders, it can be pretty wet up in the Orkneys, and Chris, watch yourself where you're going lad, I've hand-picked you for Ruislip. They're a rough lot there, don't let me down".
Chris then asked if I was the householder and I mumbled something, and after another pause said cheerily "I assume you've taken advantage of the Government scheme for insulation 10 or 20 years ago". Now strictly speaking that is a statement about him and not a question so I didn't answer. Instead I said "Don't you have to qualify for that?". Another pause and it all went quiet.
Ten seconds of online research revealed that "Chris" is a very clever bot, a series of recordings that are played by computer and adjusted for the response of the victim. Anything unexpected, as in my question, aborts it. There are numerous complaints about "Chris" making multiple calls to the same people and frustration that the authorities do not intervene. Presumably the idea is to find someone who will say that they do want advice or insulation and then a real person will take over. As the cost of making the robot calls is pretty low, the people behind it just let the system run phoning numbers in sequence.
I must admit I thought I was talking to a real person, albeit rather a slow-witted one. It would have made no difference to the outcome but, now I know, I will refrain from inventing time-wasting stories in future because, sadly, the only time that I would be wasting would be my own.
