"It looks like you are running a business. Need help with that?"

 I've frequently had goes at Microsoft. There is something so intriguingly gauche, possibly even jejeune, about their advertising. They make highly sophisticated products but somehow the marketing people either do not grasp how they work or they just dumb everything down because they think their customers are dumb. The title of this piece recalls the horrible helper "Clippy" that at one time popped up whilst using Microsoft software.

In 2014 I analysed their ludicrous claims about helping F1 drivers to win races. A few years previously it was fun to demolish their email offering, or at least the anti-spam feature. And I have moaned about Windows often enough. 

But this is 2025. AI is the big thing. Everyone is doing AI. AI is going to solve all our problems. Although, for Microsoft, finding cures for diseases, improving food production, making stronger and lighter materials do not seem to be priorities. Assisting gormless business people making presentations and showing them how simple documents work, yes, that has been the key element of the ads that pop up on my screens. Here is a nice example of what I mean.  

 Microsoft's AI offering is called Copilot. In the example above, we see a casually dressed, youngish, man staring at his phone while apparently requesting Copilot to explain something to him. What, my friends, can we deduce from this picture? You know my methods - I shall now apply them.

The man in the picture is, it seems, studying an Excel spreadsheet cunning entitled "data". Yes, that's going to a be big help when trying to find it in a few months time. Those of us who have actually designed  finance related spreadsheets  would name this something like "Mfg Division, 2025 Q3 Projection" so it tells us what it is. But this is to nitpick a bit. The fascination this image holds is that our bearded friend cannot work out the structure or formulas from which the calculations of profit (or "profit driver" in MS speak) are made.

He cannot see them or get into the details of the formulas behind them because, although this must be a fairly complex document (or he would not need help with it), he is trying to make sense of it whilst standing up and using a tiny phone. No financial analyst does this. They work on a big screen, the bigger the better and they will do so sitting a desk where they can consult documents, make notes, perhaps work simulaneously on other computer applications. You cannot do this on a phone, however smart, because either they only display one thing at at time or your big sausage fingers make typing a nightmare. 

So it is no wonder that to him it is just a needle in a haystack job (and why he keeps a small haystack on his desk, where it is in danger of spilling over into his coffee mug, is surely a question for HR). He is like a mechanic who, trying to undo a bolt, selects a small screwdriver and jabs it randomly at the offending fixings. 

I hold that, if this guy cannot see where the profits are being made, then he should not be doing this job. There is a job he could do instead - sweep up that bloody haystack. 

 

Crowdstruck

 Woke this fine, sunny morning to hear of a worldwide IT outage. Many hospitals and health services, airlines, hotels and other time-critical organisations were unable to work normally. I checked my GP's online presence and the NHS app was unable to retrieve any information from them.

Initial reports identified this as a Windows issue but it rapidly became clear it was caused by a botched update from a software supplier called Crowdstrike. They provide anti-hacking solutions. Must admit I've never heard of them but today, for all the wrong reasons, they are a household name.

Exasperated IT professionals vented their anger on the Reddit r/sysadmin forum, making two key points. Updates should not be rolled out on a Friday, and, crucially, asking whether Crowdstrike bothered to test the update, seeing how readily it has prevented Windows based systems from working. Any test would, it seems, have shown that the update was defective.

Surely the cause was not our old friend getting out of his depth....

Scene. Update Control room at Crowdstrike. Although the company is based in Austin, Texas, this is in England (just go with it, ok). A group of seasoned coders, analysts and hacking experts are crowded round a screen. Enter a fresh-faced, eager young intern.

Taz (for it is he): Gosh, guys, what's up?
Rodney: That's the code for our latest update. We're just scrolling through it and admiring the beautiful structure. See that little recursive call there? That's one of George's finest
George: Too kind, Rodders, too kind.
Rodney: And here, these curly brackets enclosing square brackets enclosing another set of curly brackets with two extra quote marks round the text string? Take a bow, Amanda
Amanda: Only up all night polishing that little lot, that's all
Taz: It's amazing stuff, really. Only Customer Services have asked me to find out when the update is going to be released. Early next week, right?
Amanda: As far as I am concerned, it's finished.
Rodney: Yup, just put a full stop after the last rem and I'm done. George?
George: I think I'll just put in a Do until x=2, x=x+1 Loop. Give the punters good measure. All done, old boy.
Amanda: Lovely work, George.
Rodney: Right, I'll just copy it to this flash drive and we can call it a day. There's a bar stool down at the Red Lion with my name on it. Might catch a bit of the Test Match. Tell you what, young feller, you can help us out. Take this and do the usual, alright?
Taz: Er, the usual...
George: That's the spirit. We'll make a programmer of you yet. Let's go, people.

They exit.

Taz: Umm...I suppose they want me to take this straight back and get it out there, get all those computers round the world updated as quick as possible. Yes, that must be it. I can tell them in Customer Services that everything has finished here so it must be ready to go. Brilliant, everyone will be happy that it is going out so fast and on a Friday too, they can rest easy over the weekend...

Alert Test Hits Britain!

 It was National Emergency Test Day today. The Government planned to send a message to every mobile phone in the UK at 3:00pm, preceded by a beeping signal, and bearing the following text:

Pic: The Guardian

Mrs C. and I made sure we were seated comfortably in the living room, with the curtains drawn and a bucket of sand close by. As the witching hour drew near, we concentrated on our phones (although with the snooker in the background showing John Higgins leading Kyren Wilson 8-0 in the second round of the World Championships, it was not easy). At last it came - or any rate it did on my phone. A beeping tone for a few seconds and then the message popped up, complete with a voice over from an unidentified American female. Mrs C.'s phone remained mysteriously silent.

Naturally there was a barrage of reaction on social media. The population divided into the following groups:

1. Those who received the warning tone and the message
2. Those who received the message but only a truncated tone, just a second or so according to some
3. Those who received it one minute early
4. Those who received it late - in some cases after several minutes
   
5. Those who received nothing at all
6. Those who received it but had failed to take heed of any of the advance publicity, of which there had been plenty, and who had a shock. 
7. Those who received it but had forgotten about the advance publicity and who had a shock from which they quickly recovered.

I am disappointed that, test or not, no further action is required. For it was just three years ago that, under the guidance of  ex-prime minister B. Johnson, I went onto  high alert in the national interest.  And have remained so. Despite not receiving the regulation tin hat and armbands marked "Alert Warden", which I am fairly sure I was promised when I was recruited, I have never let my guard drop. I mentally note all suspicious movements in beautiful Ruislip and maintain a sharpened pencil close at hand to write them down, should the need arise. I peer with slitted eyes around my estate [back garden: Ed] each morning lest something sinister should have occurred during the night. My phone is always charged in case the call comes.

And now there is a national system of alerts but still I have not been given the long-awaited commission into the Alert Corps. Such a promotion, fully deserved and way overdue, would entitle one, I should think, to a proper steel hat, some stripes to be sewn onto one's jumper (Mrs C. assisting) and above all to a special phone alert that ordinary members of the public would not receive. Having that alert, say ten minutes before the real one, would give us officers time to don our hats and armbands, collect our pencils and assemble in an orderly way at strategic points in the locality, thereby to dispense directions, information and reassurance to an anxious public.

"Nothing to worry about" I would say, crisply and with effortless authority "Move along now, return to your homes or places of work, everything is in hand, well done everybody"

Nonetheless I shall carry on, undaunted, always on the alert until the all-clear finally signs and we can all go back to civvy street. I shall do my duty, God knows I can do no less. Or more. Thank you. 

-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-

Readers! Have you been involved in any amusing or life-threatening "It happened because of the emergency alert" situations. We at Ramblings are keen to hear from you for a forthcoming blockbuster book, soon to be made into a long-running TV series (please God), called You've Been Alerted. We are looking for, in particular:

• Pilots who nearly crashed on landing due to looking down at their phone as it went off
• Cabbies who dinged into the back of the van ahead when they were startled
• Painters who left a long streak down the wall as they dropped their brush
• Mothers who took their hands off the pram handles at the top of a steep hill only to watch in horror as it hurtled down, Battleship Potemkin style before a policeman miraculously stopped it with a deft twirl of his truncheon
• Cafe proprietors left with a sopping counter top after they took off their eyes off the cup into which they were pouring coffee
• Footballers who looked up at the wrong moment and then found an opponent darting past to score (Newcastle 5 Tottenham 0 at half time today might be one such instance)
• Newsreaders who announced "And here is the three o'clock new...Oh shit what's that noise, oh bugger I'm still on air" 

And anything else that we can milk for all it's worth, especially if we can get our hands on it royalty-free. Send your submissions to the usual address. Terms and conditions apply, probably, as soon as we can think of any.

 

To Update Or Not To Update, That Is Not Actually The Question

 Ebay, with whom I have occasionally done a little business, sent me a plaintive email this morning and as it is utterly pointless, I hereby share it with you.

Yes, it has indeed been a year since I updated my personal info. Many years, in fact. And why is that, you may well ask? Because it has not changed in that time. It is not possibly for me to update any of it because, assuming that by "update" we mean "change", there is nothing to change. 

If Ebay had been intelligent enough to suggest that I login to confirm that all was well, that would be fair enough, though irritating. Cleverer still would be to have a reply link in the email with the one word "Yes", in much the same way that one replies to emails that are sent to one confirming that one's email address is valid.

Like that folksy "Sounds like a good idea?". No, it is not a good idea. It is an utter waste of my time. I know that my personal info is correct because, as I have already told the court, Your Honour, it has not changed for ages and during that time I have done things on Ebay which could not have happened had my personal info been incorrect.

And that final phrase - "If you have updated your personal info recently..." Don't they know? Do the clerks who check all the personal info updates and place a tick in green ink at the side of the ledger not talk to the people ( I always assume it is unpaid interns) who draft the customer-facing emails?  How hard is it to have a "last updated" date field in the personal info database and for the email program to read that before sending out the emails? I'll answer that one myself. Not in the least bit. A doddle. Not only could I do it, I bleedin' well have done it or similar in various database applications I have built.

Anyway, I shall certainly take full cognisance of the final bit of their email. I will ignore the reminder.

My new mate, Chris the robot

The landline rang and it was an unfamiliar number. I automatically assumed it was a spam call but, because I like playing games with these people, I picked up. After a short pause, a friendly English male voice announced himself as "Chris, your local energy advisor for your postcode".

I was intrigued. I don't know how you get to be an expert on local energy but, let me tell you, there's loads of it round here, from the gale force winds that blow at the top of Windmill Hill near where I live in beautiful Ruislip, to the majestic onrushing waters of the river Pinn. I also pondered on how anyone could be an advisor for a postcode and whether he had opted for my area or had it handed it to him by his manager "Jim, you lucky sod, you get W1A, plenty of rich folk there, Alison, you get OK4, take your waders, it can be pretty wet up in the Orkneys, and Chris, watch yourself where you're going lad, I've hand-picked you for Ruislip. They're a rough lot there, don't let me down".

 Chris then asked if I was the householder and I mumbled something, and after another pause said cheerily "I assume you've taken advantage of the Government scheme for insulation 10 or 20 years ago". Now strictly speaking that is a statement about him and not a question so I didn't answer. Instead I said "Don't you have to qualify for that?". Another pause and it all went quiet.

Ten seconds of online research revealed that "Chris" is a very clever bot, a series of recordings that are played by computer and adjusted for the response of the victim. Anything unexpected, as in my question, aborts it. There are numerous complaints about "Chris" making multiple calls to the same people and frustration that the authorities do not intervene. Presumably the idea is to find someone who will say that they do want advice or insulation and then a real person will take over. As the cost of making the robot calls is pretty low, the people behind it just let the system run phoning numbers in sequence.

 I must admit I thought I was talking to a real person, albeit rather a slow-witted one.  It would have made no difference to the outcome but, now I know, I will refrain from inventing time-wasting stories in future because, sadly, the only time that I would be wasting would be my own.

Dissing Disney

 I am on Facebook. I am there in order to participate in some groups, mainly concerned with local affairs, the Metropolitan railway (obviously), the football team I support and so on. This, together with my age, ought to establish me in the minds of the Facebook programmers, as a certain sort of bloke. But it does not.

Facebook have taken to bombarding me (and, no doubt, everyone else) with "suggestions". They have never bothered to ask me what sort of thing I might wish to have suggested to me. This is not the Facebook way. Instead, they either blindly follow what their major advertisers want them to do and then pretend it is a genuine suggestion, or they simply don't care. My reasoning for arriving at this conclusion is that every day I receive a suggestion that I should visit a page or website concerned with Disney.

Anyone who followed my, surely-an-award-must-be-forthcoming-soon, series 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die will recall my excoriation of the works of Disney.  I don't care for the stuff. I've made this clear. But will Facebook listen? No, only today they suggested a visit a page called Adults Who Love Disney.

Every time I get one of their ghastly suggestions I am offered the chance to send feedback. There is a list that pops-up if you click the little buttons to the side. It looks like this:

 

 Amongst the choices are Hide Post (with its intriguing byline of "see fewer posts like this" and Hide All from (in this case) Adults who love Disney. But here is the catch. You can only check one option. I would like both to receive fewer posts about Disney (preferably none at all but they don't give me that choice) AND to see no more references to the specific page in question. Not possible. As soon as you make a choice, the window and the suggestion itself vanish. Which would be fine if indeed they showed me fewer sites similar to the one I had expressed a dislike for. But they don't. They go one finding more sites about Disney and eagerly thrusting them in my face, like a cat bringing home bits of dead bird, ignoring the cries of disgust and racing back outside to assassinate more innocent sparrows.

It would nice to get rid of the lot by using the Hide Post option but as this does not work, I have to take my enemy down one at at time by using the Hide All From option. But how many sodding Disney sites are there? Is Facebook going to suggest a different one every day no matter how many times I beg them to hide them? Are there a couple of baffled boffins in their back room, scrutinising their clipboards?

Boffin 1: He's rejected Adult Disney Geeks¹
Boffin 2: Damn, I thought we were on to a winner there. What about Disney Nerds?²
Boffin 1: No good, he rejected that two weeks ago.
Boffin 2: Disney Fans with IQs above 80?³ It's a tiny group but it might just work.
Boffin 1: OK, we'll line that up tomorrow and if that fails, let's go with Disney For Snuff-Box Collectors⁴.
Boffin 2: I didn't know he collected snuff boxes
Boffin 1: I don't suppose he does but what the hell, it's a Disney group and it's got to be relevant. I mean, that fact that he has asked us to hide the 58 previous suggestions just proves what a great fan of Disney he is.
Boffin 2: He sure must like Disney, hell, who doesn't? I can't believe there's any other possibility. Let's suggest again all the one's he's previously rejected, something's bound to stick.
Boffin 1: Great thinking. 

Notes:

1. It's genuine (they suggested it)
2. So is this (also suggested)
3. I have a horrible suspicion this might real as well but I haven't bothered to check
4.[ Do you happen to have the address for this one? Asking for a friend: Ed]

Operator - We seem to be cut-off

 There's no fun like trying to contact a telecoms company that finds itself unable to communicate, or, worse, which sends out false information and then is uncontactable. 

Today's case study concerns my mobile phone provider. I will not identify them fully, just in case all this is a ghastly mistake at my end, but let us simply call them "Walkmobile".

I pay my account by direct debit on the 9th of each month. Today, the 6th, I received a text message saying "We've noticed you haven't paid your last bill. Take a look at your account..." and it went on to give a website link. Naturally, I was horrified to think that £7.50 remained unpaid from last month. I was pleased with the "We've noticed" bit; so much nicer than "Look here, you utter bastard, you owe us serious cash so pay up or kiss goodbye to your house, car and life savings" which, I am told, is the tone taken by some, less respectful, phone companies. Nonetheless, this seemed urgent. I checked my bank account. The last amount due had been paid on time.

Thinking that perhaps there was a problem with them verifying my bank details in advance of the current payment, I attempted to log on to my account. Their website refused to accept my login details. I checked them. They were correct, although I probably have not logged on for many years so perhaps they had expired. I requested a change of password. They said they would send, at once, a confirmation to my email address. Nothing happened. Half an hour later it still had not happened*

I called them. I was told (and you knew this would be the next line, didn't you?) "We are experiencing a high volume of calls at the moment". Oh, and they were unable to tell me roughly how long I might have to wait. This is a phone company, let me remind you, who make their business by operating, by phone, to their customers.

Their text message also suggested I set up an online account. I thought perhaps a glitch had separated my account details from the phone number. Using the number they supplied I tried to re-register, only to be told that the account number was already in use.

I went to their website and saw a webchat feature. "If you see an orange Chat Now sign then there are advisors available" it said. I saw the orange sign and filled in my info. "Please wait, we are connecting you" it said. This looked promising. Then it updated "All our advisors are busy. Estimated delay is 31 minutes".

I give up. I can't contact them by phone. I can't reset my account details so I cannot login. I cannot access them by webchat. I shall have to resign myself to the loss of house, car and life savings after all.

====================================

* Update. The reset email did arrive, 2.5 hours afterwards. When I clicked on the link, it took me to a page that said the token was invalid or expired. 

**Update the next day: I received a grovelling text saying it was all down to a "clerical error" and the bailiffs had been called off. Phew! Those clerks, eh? I suppose someone's pen slipped and the wrong name got typed on to the list of people in default. Happens all the time in busy offices, I believe.

The Civil Servants and the Time Warp

 Those of us of a certain age and with particular interests in popular software have been having a quiet chuckle as some of the details buried within the UK-EU Brexit trade deal come to light. It appears that the civil servants who drafted it have been locked in a cupboard for the past twenty years, for the document makes explicit reference to Netscape, Mozilla Mail and Outlook as leading technologies. The kindest commentators have suggested that it was getting very late, there was pressure to complete a section on security in IT and someone did what they always do in such circumstances, dig out the previous file and copy the most likely looking bits.

It's funny because, of course, if they had applied this to other sections of the document, then it would been noticed and edited before being released to an incredulous public. Let me give you some examples of errors that would, one hopes, have never seen the light of day.

Transport: - Heavier than Air Flight
Hot-air Balloon stations shall be maintained at the frontiers of each contracting party with adequate supplies of heated air so as to facilitate the onward journeys of the aeronauts.

Fishing: - Whaling
Supplies of sperm oil, baleen and blubber are to be zero rated for tariffs

Alcoholic Beverages:- Tariffs
A maximum import tariff of 10% of the net landed cost may be applied for Mead, Sack, Finest Rhenish and the true, the blushful Hippocrene. Beakers of the Warm South must not exceed 15ltrs. Libations poured to the gods before commencing a journey are exempt.

Opiates and similar controlled drugs: - Sale conditions
Opium, morphine, laudanum, cocaine and related narcotics may be sold freely provided that
a) They are sold in bottles  with labels showing reassuring, full-bearded, gentlemen drinking them.
b) They are branded as "Dr Fields' Essential Remedy for all Household Ills" or similar.
c) They are labelled as "Absolutely harmless"

Computers and electronic equipment: - Security
Babbage Calculating Engines are of strategic significance to the British Empire UK and to the High Contracting Parties of the Congress of Vienna EU  and the export of same is forbidden.

Disrupt Media Giants the Bognor Way

I don't know why, but I found something endearing about this story on the BBC website yesterday.

Pic: BBC

The hacking event was serious, involving misuse of the credentials of a number of very well-known people. Somehow, one expects the perpetrators to be a sinister gang of Russian or Ukrainian hackers, perhaps led by a bald gentleman who strokes white cats whilst issuing his softly spoken orders to inflict mayhem on the world in order to bring about the end of civilisation, or something. One does not really expect the trail to lead to a small bungalow with sea-shells embedded into the walls and a plastic model windmill on the front lawn, in a quiet street with a friendly corner newsagent who sells beach umbrellas and flip-flops and where the distant smell of seaweed wafts invitingly up from the beach.

I wonder how the local newspaper will play this one -
"Local man displays world-beating tech skills" perhaps or "Hacking: Littlehampton trounced again".

 "He was a quiet lad and we thought some clerical job might have suited him best" his old form master will say "He clearly had hidden depths and I'm pleased that he might have got his start from St Merridew's."

The neighbours will, of course be quoted as saying "We never would have expected it. He was such a quiet man, always kept himself to himself. We always thought he would turn out to be a serial murderer. Who ever would have believed he was up all night on his computer, I mean what kind of normal person does that?"

And when that case gets to the local magistrates court, how many times will the beak peer over her horn-rimmed glasses and murmur to the prosecuting counsel "Remind me again, Mr Jefferies, what is Twitter?"

Setting My Teeth on Edge

I don't usually use Edge, the web browser supplied as part of Windows 10. Tonight, driven by some devil-may-care sense of adventure, I thought I'd have a look. No sooner had it loaded than it wanted me to update it. I had assumed I already had the latest version, given that Windows 10 has recently updated, but no matter. I clicked to update it.

I wonder what language this message is in

I carried on regardless (us Ruislip Commuters laugh in the face of danger, you know) and was rewarded with the next helpful missive

Soon after this the installation completed. Edge opened and asked me if I wished to import my settings from my normal browser, Firefox. I assented. It pretended to be doing something but did nothing at all. None of my bookmarks were imported.

I did a basic web search to see if others had this problem and found someone with the same issue back in January. Naturally the Microsoft professional who responded was unaware that there was a problem, looked into it, confirmed it and then said it was all a total surprise to everyone at Redmond (including those who presumably wrote and "tested" the import procedure) and why do not an export of the bookmarks out of Firefox to a html file and then import to Edge. Yes, indeed. Just as we used to do this sort of thing 20 years ago.

It's exactly the same as if I were to call up my garage
"Hi, my car is not starting, the computer is showing a couple of error messages"
"Oh yes sir, we get a lot of those. Funny things, these computers, aren't they? Now then, have you got your starter handle handy, plus two strong lads to give you a push start?"

Your next service is due at 20mb

I was a little surprised to receive an email from BT today announcing some sort of training scheme, as my learning days are long past me and they really ought to know that, but I let my eyes slip down the first paragraph until they stopped, inevitably at the bit marked in bold.

We've launched Skills for Tomorrow, a free digital skills programme to help you and 10 million people across the UK go beyond limits and reach their full potential. We've teamed up with amazing partners, like LinkedIn Learning and Google Digital Garage...

 There was quite a lot more but I am afraid I was unable to proceed any further.


Scene: The Ruislip Digital Garage, in the back alley near Abattoir Road. A young woman, clutching a printout, enters nervously. A man in overalls emerges from the office, tucking his fag behind his ear.

Man: "Morning, darling, what can I do for you?"
Woman: "It's this code. There's something wrong, it doesn't run at all smoothly. Can you take a look at it?"
M: "Let's see here." sucks teeth "Umm, yeah, cor, who wrote this subroutine then? See that incomplete tag? And that function's been deprecated, yeah, must be version 2.4 and you should be on 3.9 by now."
W:  " Oh dear, that doesn't sound too good, but it normally works fine. "
M:  "Have your code regularly checked, do you, love?"
W:  "My husband usually has a look but he's been too busy lately. I did try putting in a recurring do-while loop here but it throws out an exception error in line 220"
M:  "Yeah, bound to do that, this is one of the problems with version 2.4 you see, cor, we get loads of them in here. Don't worry, we'll knock up a few quick algorithms, swap out the reference library for a new one and clean up those REMs while we're at it. Should have it working by next Tuesday"
W:  " That's wonderful. Will be it very expensive?"
M:  "Well, let's see, update version, new lib, algo swap out, a few test runs on the sandbox ... about a hundred and fifty, alright?"
W:   "Thank you so much. I'll leave it with you then"
M:   "Yeah, ta, see you later." She goes.  He has a draw on his fag and chucks the printout into the pending tray "Another one. Money for old rope, this lark"

Utterly Pointless Scare of the Day

I like to keep up to date with computer related news, a hangover from the days when it was necessary as part of my job. Thus it was that a headline in the Daily Express (a newspaper I only take for its excellent Princess Diana coverage) caught my attention. The story was about problems with an update to Windows 10. This is itself of interest since I run that operating system. I skimmed down it and was then taken aback to read the following:

And if that wasn’t bad enough, the latest Windows 10 update is also breaking a bevy of 16-bit apps written in Visual Basic 3, which can be revived after the update is uninstalled. If you rely on applications powered by Visual Basic 3 for your day-to-day, it’s probably worth steering clear of the latest software for the time being.

I read this a couple of times, tried to get my mind out of boggling mode and looked again. The words were still there. The Express is concerned about people who use 16 bit applications (or programmes, as we would have called them) written in the Visual Basic 3 programming language and who are running them 'for day to day', whatever that means, on a computer which has Windows 10 as its operating system.

Visual Basic was introduced around 1991. At the time Windows 2, then Windows 3 were in common use. Many of us made serious use of  Windows 3.1 but with the introduction of Windows 95 all serious programmes were rewritten to take advantage of its 32 bit architecture. Windows 10, like its predecessors 8 and 7, is a 64 bit system. These numbers really matter. The step from 16 to 32 and then 64 bit computing enormously increases the speed and capability of software.

It is possible to run 16 bit programmes on a 64 bit computer (by running them in 'emulation' mode) but I defy the Express to find anyone, anyone at all, in the entire world, who does so for 'day to day'. Maybe for running stuff of historic interest perhaps or to amuse students of software architecture. Visual Basic apps tended to be databases, information systems or programmes used by business that anyone taking seriously would certainly update regularly. VB itself was regularly updated until version 6 in 1998; after that the software ceased to be backwardly compatible.

So now you can see why those amazing words 'And if that wasn't bad enough ....' are utterly ludicrous, as if people hit by other bugs in Windows 10 updates are also going to be hit by the breaking of software written 25 years ago, an huge amount of time in terms of the speed of computing development. I'm struggling to find an analogy. Maybe the Express could run the following scare stories:

• Starting handle owners hit as new models of cars 'just don't need them'
• Blank telegram form stockists 'may have to ditch the lot' say experts
• Red flag makers facing ruin following repeal of The Locomotive Act 1865
• Confectioners 'baffled and dismayed' at yet another change in the naming of Marathon/Snickers
• DVDs do not work on gramophones shock
• Pensioners bemoan loss of in-house gas lighting. "I always enjoyed going round with a taper and taking the risk of blowing myself up" claims granny of eight.

That's me done for the night, this story can go to press. I'm going to have one last go at trying to make my steam pump fit inside the Toyota.

Big Brother takes a step back

I wrote several months ago that the government's plans to introduce identity checks on those citizens wishing to view "adult" content over the internet were appalling. Not so much the genuine need to protect children that was at the root of the proposals but the inept way they were going about it by asking an American porn-site operator to run the scheme.

After a barrage of criticism from people who actually know something about the internet, unlike, it would appear the ministers and their senior advisers (who presumably get their servants to look things up online because no person of breeding would go near a computer) have finally grasped what the rest of us knew from the start. The plans for the "pornpass" would not safeguard anyone but would certainly provide rich pickings when the database storing details of who asked for them was hacked. It was announced today that the plan is dead.

Make what you will of the reaction from a firm hoping to make money out of the scheme "it is shocking the government has done a U-turn" and from a civil liberties group "We are glad the government has stepped back from creating a privacy disaster". 

I remain angry that civil servants and politicians are still obsessed with online porn and not with the spread of online hate and violence. How many of those hooded, black-jacketed thugs, who gave nazi salutes at the Bulgaria-England match on Monday night, got their ideas from the web?

Fire in the Deep

Speaking on BBC Radio 4's Today programme this morning, Dame Jane Francis, Director of the British Antarctic Survey, discussed the launch of the scientific research vessel Sir David Attenborough. This ship is equipped with some submarines including one named Boaty McBoatface, the name originally voted by the public for the research ship itself. Asked about the cutting edge science that the submarines could do she explained that

... They'll be launched from the ship and will go off under their own steam...

And there was me thinking that these wonders of technical innovation would surely be powered by a couple of banks of sweating oarsmen working to the monotonous beating of a gong as they work out their criminal sentences. I really must get more up to date.

There's a lot of space in here

I use an anti-virus programme called Avira to protect my computer against internet nasties. As far as I can tell it works as intended, though really you can never be sure about this type of software until you actually get an attack. Be that as it may, you do assume that this sort of product is made by people with a fairly good grasp of computer technology. In which case, imagine my bemusement at the following pop-up (Avira likes to show me this sort of message each morning in the hope that I will spend loads of cash with them).

If you enter more than one ordinary space (by touching the space bar on the keyboard more than once), these extra spaces are ignored when a web page is displayed. So a bit of code is needed. "&" followed by "nbsp;" is used to indicate each extra space on the same line. It appears that the person who coded this little message forgot to put the leading "&" in; web code, like all computer code, is unforgiving of errors. No "&" means that it simply displays the rest of the string and the result is what you see above.

The trouble is, if something as basic as that, and as easy to test, slips through the net, who knows what other little bugs may be lurking in the software?

Now we are 5

As each development in technology, over Man's long history, has moved from the conceptual to the implementation so, one can easily imagine, there would always be the same bemusement and scepticism. For example, consider the day that someone, perhaps lying on their back after a hard day's gathering in the late stone age and contemplating the smooth boulders in the stream nearby, thought "Hmm, I bet those would roll nicely, wonder if we could improve on them". And then, later that day, having to persuade his jeering friends that, yes, there was some real practical advantage to moving a dead mammoth on some little round stones rather than the traditional way of shoving it on to a sledge and letting the women pull it.

So it must be with the tech wizards of today. They pore over circuit designs and blueprints, millions of lines of computer code and tiny electronic components and think "Hmm, if we connected this bit to that bit and put a few micro-volts through it, it would be really cool, right?". And then they look out of the window of their glass towers over the teeming masses below and think "But how the hell are we going to convince those dumbos to buy it?"

Today we are at one of those fascinating moments. Today it is possible to buy a smartphone with 5G capability and to connect to a network (in a few cities, for now) that offers it.  Today, as I learn in The Guardian, you can at last achieve the undoubted Holy Grail of technology, download a movie in seconds using 5G.

The "download a movie in seconds" test has been one of these memes that haunt the smartphone age. Every time there is an improvement in network and processor speeds then the only thing that anyone can think about as to why it matters is how fast a movie can be sent from server to phone. You still have to watch it in real time, of course, but that small point is clearly irrelevant. Like a child screaming "I want it now" as it passes a sweet shop, the movie-consumer is, it seems, motivated only by the transfer time.

There are those of us, and, I suspect, perhaps a very large number, who actually don't care about either watching movies on our phones or, if we do like to watch, are not that bothered if it takes a few minutes or seconds to acquire them, or even if you have to set it up to download overnight (just like we did back in the dark ages of the internet for almost everything, all those centuries decades a few years back). We don't admire and use this technology to watch bloody movies. We use our phones to keep in touch, to check on transport and the weather, to look things up or just follow the news. Yes, once we all have 5G no doubt we will become used to it and start taking it for granted. But it is hard right now to summon up any excitement. And as to paying £60 a month plus for the right to download a film, that I will never have the patience to watch, a bit faster than I can do now ... well, let us return to our chums squatting over their roast mammoth and idly rolling roundish stones up and down the banks of the river.
"This, what do you want to call it, wheel thingie? I mean, it rolls around sure but what it's actually for?" ponders Og.
"What's it for?" replies Ug, sucking out the last of the marrow-bone and tossing it for the kids to fight over "Dunno. But tell you what, my old son - we could paint a totemic design on the side, sort of black and white pattern, be pleasing to the gods that will".
The light of inspiration reaches Og's shaggy-browed eyes. "You mean - a go faster sticker?"
"Yeah. And we could have races, you know, see which one hits the water first."
"With valuable prizes for the winner"
"Got it in one. And as this is my very first formulation of this vitally important idea, I'm going to call it - formulation one racing. Which I now own, by the way,"

I am now eagerly awaiting the arrival of 6G. A system so fast, so clever, so well-attuned to our needs that it will stream the movies straight into our brains for us to watch at our leisure later.  The fact that 99.99% of them will be worthless American dross need not concern us. It certainly doesn't seem to bother anyone wandering London right now marvelling at how fast they can download them.

Identity Crisis

The Government's proposal to institute an age check on UK internet users who wish to visit pornographic websites is so staggeringly inept it would defy belief - would it not that these are the same people making our country a laughing stock over Brexit. They have, it appears (but this may not be confirmed) entrusted the verification process to a US business called MindGeek (and that name alone should put the shivers up anyone who cares about the misuse of personal data). MindGeek, I learn from The Guardian is itself in the pornography business through its ownership of a number of websites. It will run the checks through another subsidiary AgeID*

Apparently if you want to look at naughty things in future you must either supply your passport or driving licence or similar to AgeID or - and this really does make my mind boggle - buy a pass from your friendly local newsagent which will be valid on a particular device. Yes. Your newsagent.

Scene: A small village. A newsagent. At the counter Mr Jones busies himself marking up papers for delivery. Enter Mr Smith, a little nervously. He speaks quietly so that the old ladies having tea in the corner cannot hear.

Jones: "A fine morning to you, Mr Smith. How is young Jayne's rash doing?"
Smith "Clearing up thanks, Mr Jones."
Jones "And what can I do for you today? Your usual gums and a lottery ticket?"
Smith "Yes, yes of course... but actually I was wondering ... er, my friend was wondering ... he is doing some, ah, research, into art, yes, that's it, art, and there are certain websites he needs to visit and apparently for some of them he needs to prove his age and has to come here to have it done, as it were. He can't make it - he's laid up with the gout, poor chap - so he asked me if I could just get one of these pass things for him. To go on my iphone, which I shall be lending him later on. Er, you needn't tell Mrs Smith, she disapproves of art"
Jones "Yes of course Mr Smith. Your - er, your friend's privacy - is assured at all times. ENID, MR SMITH AT NUMBER 38 WANTS A PORN PASS, WHERE HAVE YOU PUT THEM?"

The stupidity of the Government, or whoever is advising them, lies in the following:

• Giving huge amounts of sensitive personal data of UK citizens to an American commercial enterprise can only end badly. Unless AgeID is based here and controlled by responsible UK citizens subject to UK law then we might as well put the whole lot on the internet for sale to the highest bidder. Which will happen anyway as soon as this outfit gets hacked.
• Giving the data to an outfit that has a vested interest in as many people seeing pornography as possible is like asking the Mafia to advise on a new anti-racketeering initiative.
• What on earth stops an adult (say an 18 year old) handing his phone to his 17 year old mate and saying "Have a look a this, it's brilliant"?
• What will stop the computer literate from signing up to a Virtual Private Network service, which will then obscure their IP address and spoof it such that the websites they subsequently connect to will not be able to identify them as UK-based?
• The scheme relies on some sort of block being put in place by UK ISPs. Will they really be able to act quickly as new websites pop up to replace each one that is blocked?
• And given the dreadful events in New Zealand, isn't it obvious that the real threat to us all is hate and extremism?

* Not to be confused with the highly respectable charity AgeUK, for which your correspondent used to do voluntary work.

Joined-up Banking

I bank with Barclays (they gave me a clipboard when I signed as a student half a century ago and I'm still grateful). Today their normally reliable mobile banking service has failed and social media is full of angry comments from my fellow customers. Barclays has not got a lot to say about it on Twitter but did amend the front page of their main personal banking website to provide an update. It looks like this:

As you can see (if you bother to click on the image to see it full size), it acknowledges a problem and invites a visit to the service status page to find out more. I don't know if they were hoping that nobody would take them up on this but here at Ramblings we take nothing for granted and, full of trepidation but determined to plumb this matter to its murky depths, we did indeed visit the aforementioned page. And this is what we found:

Hey. Whoa there. Nothing to see here, right. Just move along. Everything is just fine. We haven't bothered to update this page for four days but that's totally acceptable in an industry where the simple clearance of a cheque takes about as long.

You might think that the person who wrote the message for the main web page would have updated the service status page as well. Maybe the pressure of penning those few lines was too much for the poor chap. Perhaps he couldn't go on with it any more and even now is standing on a ledge high above Canary Wharf contemplating a bleak future whilst his colleagues, the wind whipping at their ties, edge carefully out with arms linked.

"Don't do it Johnson" shouts the Personnel Manager "Think of the firm's outing. There's some fresh blotting paper just arrived in Stationery. Come back and we'll all chip in to update that dreadful status page."

Will he do it? I'll have another look at the service status page sometime and maybe let you all know.

Wait for me

Users of Windows 10 will be aware that, every six months or so, Microsoft puts out a new version which is compulsory to have and which is installed on one's computer whether you wish it or no. Nobody knows why they do this. Social anthropologists and historians in the future will doubtless produce many books and attend many conferences on the theme of 'Compulsive tinkering as a way of making oneself feel good'.

I have still to hear of any ordinary computer user who has beamed with delight after yet another bi-annual update session whereas huge numbers of people have been greatly inconvenienced by loss of use of their computers as they grind through hours of updating and some have lost files and precious data as a result of Microsoft's incompetence.

The last update was unveiled in September and ran into huge waves of criticism, not least because it was full of bugs that had been flagged by beta testers and ignored by Microsoft. They pulled it, released it again, pulled it again and finally got something out that seemed to work late last year. Yet nothing materialised on the workhorse used to create this very column, my trusty PC Specialist machine. And, having read of the many woes of those who foolishly attempted to obtain the update early, when it was still full of bugs, I was glad to be at the back of the queue, though becoming a little concerned that I might still be left out when the next update, in May this year, is forced on us all. The fear was that the update process might get itself so confused that it failed, and then Windows itself may have refused to work because it was no longer up to date.

Those concerns have been dispelled for yesterday the long awaited update happened. Yes, the September 2018 release made itself known by making my PC so slow that I realised something was happening in the background, so gave up trying to work on it and did other things until a couple of hours later it reached the magic 100%, rebooted once or twice and got back to normal.  As to the changes - I haven't the slightest idea. It looks and feels exactly the same. It rebooted itself last night as well without telling me why. On checking the system log there is a lot of guff about an X-Box app update. Whoopee. I don't have an X-Box. Neither do I have a microphone or camera yet Microsoft is really awfully keen that my computer is equipped with the Skype video calling application. And they are making noises about changing my beloved Snipping Tool (perfect for making instant screen shots, some of which find their way into these little pieces).  It's all just tinkering with little marginal bits and pieces and one day these very words will be a footnote to an article in a learned journal entitled "Futility in 21c software development - notes toward a theory of pointlessness" or some-such and a jolly good read it will be.

Unwanted Help

I received an email from Google informing me that Google Assistant had been downloaded to my smartphone. I had not requested this facility. Not only that, I had set my preferences on Google Play to download nothing unless I requested it.  I looked at the phone and there was a pop-up screen asking for permission to access all the data on my phone and to listen in at all times to anything I said. The alternative was not that I could disable or uninstall it . Oh no, the alternative was that it would go on running anyway but would not be "so helpful".  Realising it was already listening to my under the breath comments, I said "Go away" and, rather obligingly I thought, it put up a message saying "Popping off". I then looked, in vain, for any way to permanently disable the app. I suspect it is running in background whether I want it to or not and that thought is irritating.

You may say that I should be glad of having something that is ready to help. But get a load of this; it put up some suggestions as to how I could use it. The first was "Play Bruno Mars on Spotify". I don't use Spotify, my tastes in music do not include Mr Mars and in any case I have never played music on my phone. I use my little Sansa Clip when out and about, and hi-fi (or headphones when on my pc) when at home.  I think there was something about booking flights as well (yeah, right) and also telling me all about my busy (!) schedule.

Google should know all about me and appears to have learned nothing in all of the years that the two of us have been acquainted.  It's amazing, this lack of artificial intelligence.