Everything is Nice, claims Reform's Tice

 

Source: The Independent

 

The leadership of Reform, the party for crypto billionaires ordinary working people, has once more said what needed to be said. Yes, it has been pretty warm this summer, if not downright hot. Yes, most of Britain is suffering from drought, many have enduring swelteringly unpleasant nights in overheated homes and medical staff have been reported as passing out due to the heat in hospitals. But let's look on the bright side. Forget the fields full of withering vegetables and bleached out grass, the sheep huddling for shade and the rock-hard soil. It's been a bumper year for British wine and, you know, what does the ordinary bloke and blokess in the street want at the end of a hard sweaty day? Yes, a glass of good old English sparkling wine while we all take enjoyment in the heat.

If only Mr Tice's robust common sense could have been applied in the past.  

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 "So-called Black Death is fake news" claims Edward III

Addressing his council at Harlech Castle, the king of England poured scorn on tidings of death and chaos reported from Europe. "1348 is going to be a great year for us all. A few hysterical Frenchmen moaning about their old granny dropping down dead in the street - what a bunch of moaning minnies they all are. Even if this plague is real, it's going to be a bumper year for coffin makers. Anyway, we have natural immunity, being English and protected by the Virgin Mary, and I am totally confident that we shall all be laughing about this in a year or two."

In other, unrelated, news, guards are blocking all the roads leading to Harlech, which is reported to have been stocked with two years provisions for the King's court.

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 Beat the Flood - Build a Boat

Rain continued to fall heavily across the Middle East yesterday and experts are predicting that serious flooding could follow, perhaps engulfing all dry land and lasting up to 40 days. But it was all smiles at Noah and Sons, Boatbuilders of Galilee when our reporter waded up what used to be the King's Road to see them. 

"Arks are the future" proclaimed Noah, gesturing to a boat being constructed in his extensive shed "Who needs land anyway - you can go anywhere you want at sea and there's all the fish in the world to eat. In fact, we are so pleased with the way things are going, we hope to take lots of animals with us. But apart from my immediate family, we can't actually take any other people, health and safety you see, have to get a licence to carry passengers and what with the port of Jaffa being swept away, plus all the other ports that seem to be under water right now, easiest if we don't go down that route, know what I mean?"

Asked what the inhabitants of the land should do, Noah had no doubt "Get plenty of gopher wood and get cracking. It's satisfying work and you get the chance to travel. I'm hoping lots of arks will be built, then we could have a sort of regatta, maybe a round-the-Med race, prize for the winner, that sort of thing. Keeps morale up. Let's all enjoy the flooding."

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From the diary of Mr Samuel Pepys 

September 2nd, 1666

 

Woken early by my maidservant Jane (no, not for that) and was informed that a fire was sweeping through the city. Did dress and betook myself to Cheapside. Some twenty or so dwellings blazed, with their pitiful inhabitants rushing hither and yon in their distress, and thick noisome smoke filled the air.

 

Ti's a merry sight, God wot, observed a bystander whom I discerned to be that leading dissident and Reformadoe Lord Cite.

My lord, why say you so, I wrangled, this doth cause much pain and loss to those within.

Tush man, he rejoindered, fire is natural, part of God's way of clearing the deadwood. We should relish it. Let marshmallows be toasted. Fetch a suckling pig. I'll wager that these wretches will be right merry once they join hands and ring the flames with a gay country jig.

I will to the king, said I, to ask his majesty for such help as can extinguish this conflagration speedily

As you will, Master Pepys, said he, but there is naught that any may do, for the fire is too hot, but a touch of warmth is welcome this chill morning, eh?

My lord, if naught be done and the wind blow north, then shall your fine mansion be in its path, said I and his visage at once chang'd, becoming worn with care

I'faith, I'd not thought of that. To think that my own house, my goods and chattels may burn. Why 'tis not to be borne. To the king, man, with all haste!, and I shall to my house to do what can be done.

Why my lord, I observed, surely if it burn it will be God's will, be of cheer and make merry in the smouldering remains.

 

At that he let out a cry of several profanities and hied speedily away, and I proceeded to Whitehall....

 

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Announcing the Ramblings "Let's Make The Best Of It" competition

 

Readers! What disasters and unpleasantness, man-made or not, can we see the cheery side of? What helpful advice can you give to those whose lives are being ruined? Send in your heart-warming and uplifting advice to the usual address and the winners will receive a crate of English sparkling wine (warning, might be a bit warm). 

Terms and conditions apply.  You are not going to like them but that shouldn't prevent you from having a jolly good time anyway, even while you come to terms with their blatant unfairness and onerous sub-clauses. The bit about the winner getting some wine may not apply if the judges decide they would rather keep the wine themselves and there's nothing you can do about it.

The Binface Effect

 

Source: The Guardian

As forecast exclusively in this column, Count Binface achieved an astonishing result in the Clacton byelection. With 9,455 votes, the Count beat all the other candidates combined by nearly 6,000 votes. Apart from one N. Farage who received 22,000.

Sadly, Farage was not present at the declaration nor at the grand victory party supposed to have been held afterwards, on a deserted airfield nearby (apparently). He is probably licking his lips nervously and erasing incriminating files off his phone as the parliamentary review into his affairs (now he is once more an MP) recommences this very morning.

Dr. Commuter talks about...Your Health

 Dr. Commuter writes: we all worry about our health and our lifestyle. Here is a typical cry for help from a major national newspaper.

I assume the author might use a pseudonym such as "Bloodshot of Manchester" and I will address myself directly to him. 

First, you are right to raise these questions. Why indeed should we sleep well, keep ourselves fit and eat sensibly? Why, would ask Bloodshot, (if I may make a further, perfectly fair assumption about his lifestyle), is it wrong to go on a 48 hour bender lying slumped in an armchair drinking vodka and gorging on doughnuts? And I am sure we have all done this sort of thing many times.

The problem is that we are, basically, animals. We share virtually identical DNA with molluscs. And animals do indeed sleep, eat food suitable for their circumstances and remain active. Naturally, we need to do the same. 

We sleep because otherwise we get what we doctors call  "tired" and then we start  nodding off whilst driving up the M1 and then there can be unpleasant consequences, insurance premium- wise. Also one can so easily doze off during The Archers and never find out just what it was the new owner of The Bull was arrested for. We need our kip, Bloodshot, to function properly and now you know why selling your mattress to buy all those doughnuts was money wasted.

Some may say exercise is bunkum. But consider this - your arm and shoulder muscles need to be worked and kept in good condition, able to lift objects and to raise them to an appropriate height, such as close to your lips. Otherwise how are you going to be able to enjoy a pint of beer? I know that vodka is your normal tipple but surely from time to time you take a break? Do you really want to be facing your friends, each with a foaming tankard held effortlessly to their mouths, while you strain even to lift yours from the table? No, Bloodshot, such things will lower your esteem in Manchester. Keep your body healthy and it will repay you with many hours of such pleasurable activities without aching limbs afterwards.

As for your diet, we doctors have found that eating more than you burn up through normal daily activities tends to increase your weight and lower your general state of health. So don't, OK?

In summary, I know my conclusions are highly controversial and may be considered, by some, to be far from the mainstream. But I stand by them. Sleep well, exercise and eat sensibly. That is my prescription for a healthy life.

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Readers! My new book, Dr. Commuter's Guide to Sleeping Well, Exercising to Keep Fit and Eating Sensibly (Title may be shortened in due course) is available to pre-order now. Send just £48 plus VAT, packing charge, service fee, insurance and slush fund contribution to the usual address and we will rush you your copy just as soon as you have agreed to the terms and conditions, and it is written, printed and ready for distribution.

Terms and Conditions apply. The reasons why paying an extra £25, plus VAT etc etc to purchase these are fully explained in my leaflet Why buying my terms and conditions is a thumpingly good idea and this may be easily obtained for just £16 etc.  

 

The Farage Farrago

 On 13th August the voters of Clacton will choose an MP. The by-election was caused by the resignation of their sitting member, Nigel Farage. Farage, no stranger to this column, was elected in 2024 with 46% of the vote and had a majority of 8,405. He wished to make a grand gesture of defiance to what he calls the establishment because he had been subject to parliamentary scrutiny in highly suspect financial transactions that appear to confirm what many have long believed: Our man is up to his eyes in corruption and is bankrolled by wealthy tax exiles with a deep contempt for multicultural, tolerant Britain. By resigning, Farage forced the investigation to go into abeyance pending his return.

 What Nige wanted was for the other main parties to run against him. His electoral victory would then show that he had the people behind him and would put his detractors on the defensive. But at this point the cunning plan failed.  Labour, The Conservatives, the Libdems  and the Greens declined to field candidates. Instead a vast number of independents are standing. Usually they would attract no attention but one of them is special. He has stood in many elections, and I encountered him as a candidate in 2019 when he stood against part-time prime minister B. Johnson in my own constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. He runs as "Count Binface", wears a metal bucket on his head at all times and claims to be from a galactic civilisation far, far away.

 Binface's manifesto in 2019 featured a pledge to sort out the position of the hand-dryer in the men's toilets at the Crown & Treaty pub in Uxbridge. That, amongst certain other factors, got him my vote.

Usually Binface and the like attract little media attention and few votes, but somehow his candidature came at just the right time and an astonishing opinion poll a few days ago showed that more people would like him to win in Clacton than those favouring Farage. 

Source: Ipsos

 Binface has been endorsed by outgoing prime minister Keir Starmer and ex-Chancellor Rachel Reeves, and by LibDem leader Ed Davey. Let us examine his manifesto for Clacton in full

Source: Instagram

 

 Point 20 is the most important - the hand-dryer has not been forgotten. The good Count has not broken his promise made to me and my neighbours in beautiful Ruislip. Points 4, 5 and 15 are also worth noting.

Of course, given the nature of this by-election loads of others are having a go. In fact there are more candidates than at any election in the UK, ever. Here is the list:

Source: BBC

It will be fascinating to see if Binface can get more votes than all the other no-hopers combined. I don't expect him to topple Nige, although no less an authority than ABC Australia thinks he might

Source Youtube

 and you can watch for yourself if you wish.

Let us see what the next fortnight brings. 

 Note: This article originally stated that the election was on 6th August. Full responsibility for this error has been attributed to the editor of this blog, who has been admonished and had his biscuit with tea privileges withdrawn for a day.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Network Rail

 

Dr. Commuter writes: We are fortunate to live in a country where our transport signage is reasonably well-adjusted and coherent, signs that live quiet and responsible lives, happy to impart the information that we need with a minimum of fuss. But sometimes it is necessary to remove complacency and reinvigorate these soporific and hidebound indications, injecting fresh energy into them and contributing to the richness of everyday travel. It is not surprising, therefore, that Network Rail should seek to make their low bridge signs more confused.

There are several measures to be taken. Firstly, the low bridge signs should be removed and placed where the bridges are high, so high in fact that absolutely no warning need be given to any road user. This will achieve a double state of confusion - the signs themselves will be baffled as to why they are placed where they are useless and the approaching drivers will be scratching their chins, baffled as to why a railway bridge with 30m of clearance carries a warning. 

Another method is to paint the text of the signs in the same colour as the background colour. The sign is still there but its message is rendered invisible. 

If this has not created sufficient confusion, I recommend that a different message take the place of the original text. Thus "Beware of the giraffes" or perhaps "No bishops beyond this point". 

I trust there is sufficient here for the action to be taken and let's hope that low bridge signs up and down the country are rendered highly confused for the duration.

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If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter, do please write to the usual address. We are able to baffle, bemuse and befuddle any sign, notice or poster for a small fee. Terms and conditions are available but are in such a deranged state that, quite frankly, it is not woth your time trying to understand them.