Messages From Beyond

 Halloween is over and the Xmas season, favourite time of the year for ghost stories, is looming. Either to mark this or because they had really had nothing better to report, BBC News featured this story today.

 

[Editor's note - Some guff between the strapline and the content has been cut in order to get straight to the gist].

First up, there is no doubt that Mr Cownmeadow is a clear-eyed, sharp thinking sort of bloke. The photo does, sadly, make him look like a bit of a loony, but if a ghost had thumped you on the back of the neck without provocation then I am sure you too would be somewhat distraught.

Second, this column in no way wishes to make light of the sufferings of another human. We utterly deplore the violence of the spirit from another place. We stand firmly behind Mr Cownmeadow in refuting any allegations that he went into Gloucester Prison and challenged any ghost in the place to "Meet me outside, you and me, right now, yes, come over here if you think you're hard enough, I'll teach you go 'woo woo' in dark graveyards" Here was an innocent man going his lawful business of disturbing spirits from their eternal rest.

However our main point today is with the fascinating comment that "my name came through on a piece of equipment and the words 'I will hurt you'. I never knew that ghosts used text messaging. How on earth do they work the keyboard? Which telecoms company provides their service?  I suppose we need more information about the piece of equipment, why on earth his friend had conveniently stayed in another room and above all, why, if the ghost can send messages did it not send them directly to Mr Cownmeadow? His friend presumably used a walkie-talkie to deliver the fateful message so the ghost could obviously have come through on that. Is it shy? 

 What did they do in the old days? Send a letter delivered by the Ghost Office?¹  

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1. I don't normally do the sort of gag that my nine year-old great-nephew would find amusing, but it seems to work.

Dr. Commuter Saves Your Precious Time

 Dr. Commuter writes  We all of us live hectic and pressured lives. The demands on our attention from news and social media - so readily available on our ever-present phones - are incessant. Any form of relief is welcome.

You may, perhaps, have seen this headline and thought "I am interested in football and would like a better understanding of the problems at Tottenham Hotspur FC. But do I really want to go to the Evening Standard website, go through an irritating log-in process and wade through intrusive pop-ups, to find out the simple reason Leeds won today 1-0?"

My friends, look no further. Here, in this very column, I can reveal the cause of the defeat and, as a bonus, what can be done to obtain more satisfactory results in future. It is simply this:- Tottenham failed to score enough goals. One would have sufficed for a draw. A second and all three points awarded to the winners would have been theirs. But Leeds scored once and there was no reply. 

The remedy? Tottenham must score more goals, ensuring that they at least match any that are scored against them and endeavouring to surpass that total in order to win. I offer this advice to my loyal readers, and also to the owners and directors of Spurs without charge. Indeed, unusually for this column, there are no Terms and Conditions. Consider this is a gesture of goodwill. Should my generosity and expertise incur a modest gift of gratitude - well, a day's entertainment in the directors' box at White Hart Lane would be, some might think, the minimum appropriate.

Mark Anthony Wins Stunning Victory at Philippi: Cassius "Nothing to do with me"

 From our correspondent still stuck in Rome

Reports have come into Rome that the armies of  the triumvirs M. Antonius and G. Octavius have resoundingly beaten the forces raised by Dictator G. Cassius and vice-Dictator M. J. Brutus. The battle, at Philippi in Thrace, resulted in the total rout of the Cassius forces and the surrender of many units hitherto regarded as invincible. 

The third member of the triumvirs, Sen. Lepidus, had a note from his mother saying he had a slight sniffle, should not be playing with the big boys and could he be excused. 

The victorious army is expected to reach Rome around January 6. Meanwhile many erstwhile supporters of Sen. Cassius have been unexpectedly called away to their estates and are unavailable for comment.

Speaking to a deserted Colosseum, Sen. Cassius was in defiant mood.

"Basically, we won this hands down. It wasn't my fault my troops were rubbish. If I had been there, we would have won even more. I would have personally slaughtered all their legions. The gods are totally behind me, I was personally told that by Jupiter, and I know that all the plebs of this great country sincerely want me and my friends to be rich, even if they can't afford to feed their families, that's how great I am. I've built myself a fabulous palace and every man shivering in a hovel in the most malaria- ridden part of Rome will be telling me to build another and make it bigger.And you know what? I will!"

Meanwhile in the Forum long-time ally Sen. Casca seemed to be distancing himself from the Dictator. Addressing  two men who were pushing a cart of building materials, the Senator declaimed 

"Some have called me envious. Well, they can go sit on a sword. Everything I do is for the common good. Now it is possible that Sen. Cassius has got a few things wrong, like declaring war on Parthia and losing it the moment our boys marched off without water into a sandstorm, and I just want you to know that that was nothing to do with me, I was praying devoutly with a couple of Vestal Virgins at the time and could not be disturbed, the first I heard about it was when that shipload of severed heads arrived back in Ostia. All I ask for my loyal service is a couple of provinces - Gaul and Hispania would be a good start. Is this envy? I don't think so, my friends. Erm, you over there, I'm orating to you, you might at least turn your heads"

 L.S.Cinna was not available but this column was able to obtain an interview with Cinna the Poet who wished to read an extract from his latest scroll.

On the Fickleness of Fate and Man's Destiny
by Cinna (the poet, not L.S. Cinna)
------------------

There was a young woman from Pisa
...

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Editor's note. Our report breaks off at this point. Some garum stains on the manuscript from our correspondent suggest that perhaps he had other things to do at this point.

 

Some Whimsy Down Under

 

Source: The Guardian

 

That first line of the newspaper snippet has such a pleasing ring and metre to it, I had to celebrate it in verse.

 

There's no human right to Vegemite

or  similar yeast-based spread.

When you're banged up in an Ozzie jail

You're not putting that on your bread.

 

 There's no human right to Vegemite

Why not try some sauce instead?

Enjoy some ketchup when you're in the lock-up

Get off your head on sandwich spread

 

 There's no human right to Vegemite

Or any of this branded stuff

There'll be none of this shite on the Australian Bight

And if you don't like it, tough. 

 

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Readers: Your chance to win, win win in our fantastic poetry competition

 We may be well on our way to our award-winning slim volume of verse but maybe you can join us. Send in your poems with a sort of branded-food theme that link, in some way, to the news. The best, in the Editor's opinion, will be published in Volume II and you will definitely receive a share of the royalties, promise.

Terms and conditions inevitably come with this one, we have to confess. A slim volume of them can be yours for a modest £25 (plus VAT, shipping, Straits of Hormuz charge and a fee to cover the possible cost of having to pulp Volume I ) but amongst the highlights are these

• By "win, win win" as printed above, we actually mean "win". You don't get to win more than once. Sorry about this, I don't make the rules
• Actually that was a lie, I do make the rules.
• Volume II will be published just as soon as Volume I has sold out, been acclaimed as Slim Volume of the Year and the film rights sold for an eye-watering sum
• Your share of the royalties may be a rather small percentage, rounded down.
• The Editor's decision is final but, you know, there's more than one assistant editor after his job so, if wants to keep it, he knows what to do.  

A Franchise is Born

 

Scene: The office of Sol Fleischenberg II, Hollywood film producer. Enter Sol and his top ideas man Nino Zachetti¹

Sol: So, whadda you got, Nino. Hit me.

Nino: You'll love this, SF. We got fourteen writers on this one. Gonna be some fantastic tie-ins.

Sol: I hear jabber jabber but no goods, Nino

Nino: Period stuff is huge, SF. Posh English accents, broads in long, silk dresses, guys with wigs and fancy waistcoats, Sir this and Lady that schmoozing over candlelight, carriages clattering up to huge country houses, glittering balls...

Sol: And what's the angle? Joe Schmoe in Poughkeepsie wants to see action. There ain't no car chases in them days, are there?

Nino: We give 'em a hero. A real tough guy, he fights for justice and goes his own way, but get this - he's an expert in manners. He digs high fashion. If a guy disses a dame, he flicks a lace handkerchief  and says something like "Sir, I see you are no gentleman".  If a dame begs him for help, he'll bow and say "Madam, I shall endeavour to give you satisfaction." When they ask how likes a meal, he'll go "I find it not displeasing". Sol, this is one classy gent."

Sol : Sounds a bit of a fairy to me. What's his monicker, Lord Limpwrist?"

Nino: Storm. Storm Austen. You get it?

Sol: I don't like it, Nino. Pause I LOVE it. 

Footnote

1. Okay, I used the name of a character in the film Double Indemnity. And why not?