The Ratings Game

 Nearly 10 years ago I wrote a whimsical piece about an insurance policy. Actually, not so much about the policy, of which I could say very little having only just purchased it, but the request from the insurers for me to rate it. I did my best, being particularly taken with their choice of typeface for the all-important Terms and Conditions.

Today I purchased some coffee online from a regular supplier. They sent me an email to confirm it. And they asked me to review and rate the email, giving it marks out of five. They did not ask me to review the coffee, which would be reasonable. It was the email that bothered them. This is how they presented their request.  

 

I don't understand modern business at all. What on earth will they do with my reply, should I bother to make one? If I give it one star, will the hapless clerk who composed it be summoned to a meeting with a grim-faced manager and an impassive lady from HR, who makes copious notes during the grilling? If I award a generous five, does the whole customer relations department get the afternoon off and a special mention at the monthly office get-together? For something in the middle, do they shrug and console each other, perhaps on the following lines?

"Never mind, Amanda, we'll do better next time, I'll move that bit about 'not responsible for damages and defects' two lines down"

"Fantastic, Rodney, that never fails. And I might just put a smiley face next to 'Pay up on time or Big Harry will be paying you a visit'"

"Actually I've had an idea" pipes up the intern, soaking up the wisdom and experience of his mentors "I could colour the heading bright green with three underlines.".

"It's good, Taz¹. I'm not saying it isn't. But research shows that orange is more penetrative, audience engagement wise. You see the way we have done the stars?" 

"Oh, gosh, really? Shouldn't we do the whole text in orange then?"

Amanda and Rodney shake their heads gently and smile at each other. Oh, the enthusiasm and oh! the ignorance of youth. 

 Or will they send me another email? 
"Dear Ramblings, please tell us exactly why you rated our last email with just two stars. We've had a jolly good think and we cannot imagine where we went wrong. Amanda is very upset and we're sure you wouldn't wish to ruin her day. So do please get in touch. By the way, please would you review this email as well?"

What happens when, after a few days, they realise that I have not awarded a rating? Do Amanda and Rodney face each other in a windowless office, wait for Taz to bring in three coffees and then schedule some really important meetings, group presentations and the engagement of outside consultants to get to the bottom of this issue? It is, surely, no less than it deserves. 

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Readers! Your feedback matters! Kindly take a couple of minutes out of your busy schedule to review this article. We need to know if you are happy with the use of exclamation marks, whether the sentence lengths are just right or confusingly long, and whether more quotes from classical authors would raise the tone. Do please write in to the usual address. The best reviews, you know, the ones that say we have made you the happiest person in Acacia Avenue, so pleased that you have already placed an order for the next article, may win a valuable prize, to be awarded at a glittering night out in London's West End.

Terms and conditions apply, and we draw your attention to subsection 4, clause 19 where it mentions, in very small but perfectly legal print, that the judges opinion as to what constitutes 'value' is final, that the night out may not necessarily conform to EU standards on 'glittering' and in the event of unforeseen circumstances may be relocated to Croydon's West End, or somewhere cheaper.

And don't forget to send in your review of the T&Cs. The winning entries will be submitted to Terms & Conditions Monthly where they will be scrutinised, criticised, pilloried with contumely and printed with deliberate spelling mistakes on a blurry page at the back. No prizes will be awarded.

 

Footnote

1. He's back! This was the previous sighting.

Everything is Nice, claims Reform's Tice

 

Source: The Independent

 

The leadership of Reform, the party for crypto billionaires ordinary working people, has once more said what needed to be said. Yes, it has been pretty warm this summer, if not downright hot. Yes, most of Britain is suffering from drought, many have enduring swelteringly unpleasant nights in overheated homes and medical staff have been reported as passing out due to the heat in hospitals. But let's look on the bright side. Forget the fields full of withering vegetables and bleached out grass, the sheep huddling for shade and the rock-hard soil. It's been a bumper year for British wine and, you know, what does the ordinary bloke and blokess in the street want at the end of a hard sweaty day? Yes, a glass of good old English sparkling wine while we all take enjoyment in the heat.

If only Mr Tice's robust common sense could have been applied in the past.  

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 "So-called Black Death is fake news" claims Edward III

Addressing his council at Harlech Castle, the king of England poured scorn on tidings of death and chaos reported from Europe. "1348 is going to be a great year for us all. A few hysterical Frenchmen moaning about their old granny dropping down dead in the street - what a bunch of moaning minnies they all are. Even if this plague is real, it's going to be a bumper year for coffin makers. Anyway, we have natural immunity, being English and protected by the Virgin Mary, and I am totally confident that we shall all be laughing about this in a year or two."

In other, unrelated, news, guards are blocking all the roads leading to Harlech, which is reported to have been stocked with two years provisions for the King's court.

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 Beat the Flood - Build a Boat

Rain continued to fall heavily across the Middle East yesterday and experts are predicting that serious flooding could follow, perhaps engulfing all dry land and lasting up to 40 days. But it was all smiles at Noah and Sons, Boatbuilders of Galilee when our reporter waded up what used to be the King's Road to see them. 

"Arks are the future" proclaimed Noah, gesturing to a boat being constructed in his extensive shed "Who needs land anyway - you can go anywhere you want at sea and there's all the fish in the world to eat. In fact, we are so pleased with the way things are going, we hope to take lots of animals with us. But apart from my immediate family, we can't actually take any other people, health and safety you see, have to get a licence to carry passengers and what with the port of Jaffa being swept away, plus all the other ports that seem to be under water right now, easiest if we don't go down that route, know what I mean?"

Asked what the inhabitants of the land should do, Noah had no doubt "Get plenty of gopher wood and get cracking. It's satisfying work and you get the chance to travel. I'm hoping lots of arks will be built, then we could have a sort of regatta, maybe a round-the-Med race, prize for the winner, that sort of thing. Keeps morale up. Let's all enjoy the flooding."

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From the diary of Mr Samuel Pepys 

September 2nd, 1666

 

Woken early by my maidservant Jane (no, not for that) and was informed that a fire was sweeping through the city. Did dress and betook myself to Cheapside. Some twenty or so dwellings blazed, with their pitiful inhabitants rushing hither and yon in their distress, and thick noisome smoke filled the air.

 

Ti's a merry sight, God wot, observed a bystander whom I discerned to be that leading dissident and Reformadoe Lord Cite.

My lord, why say you so, I wrangled, this doth cause much pain and loss to those within.

Tush man, he rejoindered, fire is natural, part of God's way of clearing the deadwood. We should relish it. Let marshmallows be toasted. Fetch a suckling pig. I'll wager that these wretches will be right merry once they join hands and ring the flames with a gay country jig.

I will to the king, said I, to ask his majesty for such help as can extinguish this conflagration speedily

As you will, Master Pepys, said he, but there is naught that any may do, for the fire is too hot, but a touch of warmth is welcome this chill morning, eh?

My lord, if naught be done and the wind blow north, then shall your fine mansion be in its path, said I and his visage at once chang'd, becoming worn with care

I'faith, I'd not thought of that. To think that my own house, my goods and chattels may burn. Why 'tis not to be borne. To the king, man, with all haste!, and I shall to my house to do what can be done.

Why my lord, I observed, surely if it burn it will be God's will, be of cheer and make merry in the smouldering remains.

 

At that he let out a cry of several profanities and hied speedily away, and I proceeded to Whitehall....

 

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Announcing the Ramblings "Let's Make The Best Of It" competition

 

Readers! What disasters and unpleasantness, man-made or not, can we see the cheery side of? What helpful advice can you give to those whose lives are being ruined? Send in your heart-warming and uplifting advice to the usual address and the winners will receive a crate of English sparkling wine (warning, might be a bit warm). 

Terms and conditions apply.  You are not going to like them but that shouldn't prevent you from having a jolly good time anyway, even while you come to terms with their blatant unfairness and onerous sub-clauses. The bit about the winner getting some wine may not apply if the judges decide they would rather keep the wine themselves and there's nothing you can do about it.

The Binface Effect

 

Source: The Guardian

As forecast exclusively in this column, Count Binface achieved an astonishing result in the Clacton byelection. With 9,455 votes, the Count beat all the other candidates combined by nearly 6,000 votes. Apart from one N. Farage who received 22,000.

Sadly, Farage was not present at the declaration nor at the grand victory party supposed to have been held afterwards, on a deserted airfield nearby (apparently). He is probably licking his lips nervously and erasing incriminating files off his phone as the parliamentary review into his affairs (now he is once more an MP) recommences this very morning.

Dr. Commuter talks about...Your Health

 Dr. Commuter writes: we all worry about our health and our lifestyle. Here is a typical cry for help from a major national newspaper.

I assume the author might use a pseudonym such as "Bloodshot of Manchester" and I will address myself directly to him. 

First, you are right to raise these questions. Why indeed should we sleep well, keep ourselves fit and eat sensibly? Why, would ask Bloodshot, (if I may make a further, perfectly fair assumption about his lifestyle), is it wrong to go on a 48 hour bender lying slumped in an armchair drinking vodka and gorging on doughnuts? And I am sure we have all done this sort of thing many times.

The problem is that we are, basically, animals. We share virtually identical DNA with molluscs. And animals do indeed sleep, eat food suitable for their circumstances and remain active. Naturally, we need to do the same. 

We sleep because otherwise we get what we doctors call  "tired" and then we start  nodding off whilst driving up the M1 and then there can be unpleasant consequences, insurance premium- wise. Also one can so easily doze off during The Archers and never find out just what it was the new owner of The Bull was arrested for. We need our kip, Bloodshot, to function properly and now you know why selling your mattress to buy all those doughnuts was money wasted.

Some may say exercise is bunkum. But consider this - your arm and shoulder muscles need to be worked and kept in good condition, able to lift objects and to raise them to an appropriate height, such as close to your lips. Otherwise how are you going to be able to enjoy a pint of beer? I know that vodka is your normal tipple but surely from time to time you take a break? Do you really want to be facing your friends, each with a foaming tankard held effortlessly to their mouths, while you strain even to lift yours from the table? No, Bloodshot, such things will lower your esteem in Manchester. Keep your body healthy and it will repay you with many hours of such pleasurable activities without aching limbs afterwards.

As for your diet, we doctors have found that eating more than you burn up through normal daily activities tends to increase your weight and lower your general state of health. So don't, OK?

In summary, I know my conclusions are highly controversial and may be considered, by some, to be far from the mainstream. But I stand by them. Sleep well, exercise and eat sensibly. That is my prescription for a healthy life.

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Readers! My new book, Dr. Commuter's Guide to Sleeping Well, Exercising to Keep Fit and Eating Sensibly (Title may be shortened in due course) is available to pre-order now. Send just £48 plus VAT, packing charge, service fee, insurance and slush fund contribution to the usual address and we will rush you your copy just as soon as you have agreed to the terms and conditions, and it is written, printed and ready for distribution.

Terms and Conditions apply. The reasons why paying an extra £25, plus VAT etc etc to purchase these are fully explained in my leaflet Why buying my terms and conditions is a thumpingly good idea and this may be easily obtained for just £16 etc.  

 

The Farage Farrago

 On 13th August the voters of Clacton will choose an MP. The by-election was caused by the resignation of their sitting member, Nigel Farage. Farage, no stranger to this column, was elected in 2024 with 46% of the vote and had a majority of 8,405. He wished to make a grand gesture of defiance to what he calls the establishment because he had been subject to parliamentary scrutiny in highly suspect financial transactions that appear to confirm what many have long believed: Our man is up to his eyes in corruption and is bankrolled by wealthy tax exiles with a deep contempt for multicultural, tolerant Britain. By resigning, Farage forced the investigation to go into abeyance pending his return.

 What Nige wanted was for the other main parties to run against him. His electoral victory would then show that he had the people behind him and would put his detractors on the defensive. But at this point the cunning plan failed.  Labour, The Conservatives, the Libdems  and the Greens declined to field candidates. Instead a vast number of independents are standing. Usually they would attract no attention but one of them is special. He has stood in many elections, and I encountered him as a candidate in 2019 when he stood against part-time prime minister B. Johnson in my own constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. He runs as "Count Binface", wears a metal bucket on his head at all times and claims to be from a galactic civilisation far, far away.

 Binface's manifesto in 2019 featured a pledge to sort out the position of the hand-dryer in the men's toilets at the Crown & Treaty pub in Uxbridge. That, amongst certain other factors, got him my vote.

Usually Binface and the like attract little media attention and few votes, but somehow his candidature came at just the right time and an astonishing opinion poll a few days ago showed that more people would like him to win in Clacton than those favouring Farage. 

Source: Ipsos

 Binface has been endorsed by outgoing prime minister Keir Starmer and ex-Chancellor Rachel Reeves, and by LibDem leader Ed Davey. Let us examine his manifesto for Clacton in full

Source: Instagram

 

 Point 20 is the most important - the hand-dryer has not been forgotten. The good Count has not broken his promise made to me and my neighbours in beautiful Ruislip. Points 4, 5 and 15 are also worth noting.

Of course, given the nature of this by-election loads of others are having a go. In fact there are more candidates than at any election in the UK, ever. Here is the list:

Source: BBC

It will be fascinating to see if Binface can get more votes than all the other no-hopers combined. I don't expect him to topple Nige, although no less an authority than ABC Australia thinks he might

Source Youtube

 and you can watch for yourself if you wish.

Let us see what the next fortnight brings. 

 Note: This article originally stated that the election was on 6th August. Full responsibility for this error has been attributed to the editor of this blog, who has been admonished and had his biscuit with tea privileges withdrawn for a day.