The Farage Defence

Source: BBC

Older readers may recall the now-infamous trial of Ernest Saunders and associates. They were accused of fraudulently manipulating the share price of Guinness plc during the 1986 takeover battle for Distillers Company plc. Saunders and co were found guilty but he later appealed on the grounds of having Alzheimer's disease and was left off the remaining part of his prison sentence. However, as Wikipedia and other sources baldly state "he subsequently recovered".

The thing is, the recovery rate from Alzheimer's is zero. You don't recover from it. The best you can hope for is to control the onset.  

The "Saunders Defence" has become a byword for falsely pleading insanity to evade or mitigate criminal responsibility. But of course, once one selects this option, one must go through with it. You cannot, as a high-profile individual, say "Yes, I may have chucked that brick through the jewellers and scarpered with a fistful of diamond rings, but let me off, Your Worship, I'm a raving loony" and continue as Bishop of Slough, whether found guilty or not. 

Forget the Saunders. We now have a much more elegant way to commit certain crimes and get away with it. And what a wonderful example we have. Nigel Farage MP was recorded in a conversation about breaking UK electoral law by receiving money from persons not eligible to vote here. He cannot deny the evidence. Is he bang to rights? Of course not. Our Nigel has the perfect Get Out of Jail Free card. He wasn't listening. He didn't hear a word. He may have nodded here and there, smiled appropriately, maybe even fist-bumped or made other exulting gestures, but his brain processed not a jot of potential skullduggery. There is no case to answer. 

If only this had been known before....

Scene: Tower of London, November 7th 1605

Sir Robert Cecil, Earl of Salisbury: "Guido or Guy Fawkes, you were present at a meeting with Robert Catesby, Thomas Winter and other conspirators in a tavern earlier this year. Did you conspire to use gunpowder to blow up the Houses of Parliament when his majesty the King would be present?"

Guy Fawkes: "Yeah, I might have been, I went to a lot of pubs. Can't always remember who was where, you know, have a few drinks, memory gets a bit hazy, know what I mean?" 

Cecil: We know this meeting took place. We know the names of the damned rebels and their advisors, the Jesuits acting directly on the orders of the anti-Christ, the so-called Pope of Rome.

Fawkes: If you say so, guv. Didn't really notice.

Cecil: Treason was discussed, the wickedest kind of violence against the sacred person of our King, and you fail to recall it? You ask me to believe that?

Fawkes: Well, I wasn't really listening, was I? You see, I had a lot on my mind, there's this bird down Pudding Lane and her and me, well, I was all right for that night, if you get my drift, Your Worship.

Cecil: Damnable treason, mortal sins are being talked out but you did not hear it? I..I suppose it is possible. Yes, that must be the case. But you were found skulking under the Parliament House with a lighted match amidst thirty eight barrels of gunpowder. Is this not treason?

Fawkes: Oh that. Yes, you see the thing is, this gent Thomas Percy, he asked me to check everything was all right, just tidy up a bit and that. I didn't really hear what he was saying because I had this groat bet on the bear in the baiting at Southwark tomorrow, and I thought, if I won, I might get my bird something from the fish market, bit of eel, few cockles, lovely stuff, eh your Exaltedness?

Cecil: I see. Your pleading is unanswerable. You are clearly guilty of no crime. Very well, you are free to go.  to himself I don't think the king is going to like this.

 

 

 

Spot the Sport

 

Source: BBC

The leader of the Conservative Party, Kemi Badenoch, was quoted today in a speech attacking government policies as having said that "defence spending is being kicked into the long grass".  We here at Ramblings have a fondness for inappropriate, sporting clichés (for example, this piece) but usually one has some idea as to the sport being referenced. For example, the ever-popular, and usually misunderstood, "stepping up to the plate" does refer to baseball (and not to the bravery of a waiter stooping to collect an item of crockery covered in gravy and spat-out bits of gristle).

However, Ms Badenoch's phrase has us stumped, if I may switch to a British sport. What activity is she referring to? It cannot be football, whether association, rugby union, rugby league, Australian rules or Gaelic, for none of these have areas of long grass as part of the playing area, and should the ball be kicked out of the playing area then the other side usually gain an advantage. Badenoch seems to think that kicking the ball into the long grass means attention shifts elsewhere. It does not, it shifts to the opposition.

Other grass-based activities are even harder to incorporate into the "kicking away" theme. In lawn tennis, when played on a grass court, one does not kick the ball away unless prepared to be docked a point. In golf, where there is plenty of long grass, kicking the ball during play would mean a one-stroke penalty (and perhaps being disciplined) and kicking it between holes would achieve nothing bar requiring the hapless caddy to run after it. Similarly with netball, basketball, lacrosse and hockey, should there be any long grass handy, kicking the ball into it is futile.

As to other ball-based sports, I am struggling to accommodate long grass, or grass of any length, to snooker, table-tennis, marbles or beach volleyball. 

Badenoch could perhaps have said "he's playing for time", or "he is arguing with the ref but he'll get no comfort from that quarter" or "Long shout there but the umpire is not interested", or "he's putting on even more sails but is still steering straight for that whirlpool" (from a yet-to-be-invented sport of dangerous yachting). But she could actually have said in clear English what she wants us to understand - in her opinion key decisions on spending are being delayed to the detriment of our national defence. There, not a cliché in sight. Certainly smashed that one for six.

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Readers! Can you assist Kemi Badenoch with some sharp and relevant sporting metaphors with which to browbeat her opponents and win guaranteed headlines in the media? Send in your suggestions to the usual address. In the opinion of the editor, the metaphor packing the punch, the one that really hits the ball out of the park and produces the most incredible finish will win the much-coveted Ramblings Right Between The Sticks award, a certificate that says so and a chance to meet [Ed, put some suitable name in here and remember to delete this bit].

Terms and Conditions apply, subject to the adjudication of a fourth official who is required to review anything the President of the United States tells her to review, the wishes of the sponsors and the whims of the CEO. The chance to meet [and here, Ed] is dependant on them being happy to do so on our behalf for a pittance. You will definitely receive a certificate once we get the photocopier working.

Everything is Nice, claims Reform's Tice

 

Source: The Independent

 

The leadership of Reform, the party for crypto billionaires ordinary working people, has once more said what needed to be said. Yes, it has been pretty warm this summer, if not downright hot. Yes, most of Britain is suffering from drought, many have enduring swelteringly unpleasant nights in overheated homes and medical staff have been reported as passing out due to the heat in hospitals. But let's look on the bright side. Forget the fields full of withering vegetables and bleached out grass, the sheep huddling for shade and the rock-hard soil. It's been a bumper year for British wine and, you know, what does the ordinary bloke and blokess in the street want at the end of a hard sweaty day? Yes, a glass of good old English sparkling wine while we all take enjoyment in the heat.

If only Mr Tice's robust common sense could have been applied in the past.  

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 "So-called Black Death is fake news" claims Edward III

Addressing his council at Harlech Castle, the king of England poured scorn on tidings of death and chaos reported from Europe. "1348 is going to be a great year for us all. A few hysterical Frenchmen moaning about their old granny dropping down dead in the street - what a bunch of moaning minnies they all are. Even if this plague is real, it's going to be a bumper year for coffin makers. Anyway, we have natural immunity, being English and protected by the Virgin Mary, and I am totally confident that we shall all be laughing about this in a year or two."

In other, unrelated, news, guards are blocking all the roads leading to Harlech, which is reported to have been stocked with two years provisions for the King's court.

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 Beat the Flood - Build a Boat

Rain continued to fall heavily across the Middle East yesterday and experts are predicting that serious flooding could follow, perhaps engulfing all dry land and lasting up to 40 days. But it was all smiles at Noah and Sons, Boatbuilders of Galilee when our reporter waded up what used to be the King's Road to see them. 

"Arks are the future" proclaimed Noah, gesturing to a boat being constructed in his extensive shed "Who needs land anyway - you can go anywhere you want at sea and there's all the fish in the world to eat. In fact, we are so pleased with the way things are going, we hope to take lots of animals with us. But apart from my immediate family, we can't actually take any other people, health and safety you see, have to get a licence to carry passengers and what with the port of Jaffa being swept away, plus all the other ports that seem to be under water right now, easiest if we don't go down that route, know what I mean?"

Asked what the inhabitants of the land should do, Noah had no doubt "Get plenty of gopher wood and get cracking. It's satisfying work and you get the chance to travel. I'm hoping lots of arks will be built, then we could have a sort of regatta, maybe a round-the-Med race, prize for the winner, that sort of thing. Keeps morale up. Let's all enjoy the flooding."

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From the diary of Mr Samuel Pepys 

September 2nd, 1666

 

Woken early by my maidservant Jane (no, not for that) and was informed that a fire was sweeping through the city. Did dress and betook myself to Cheapside. Some twenty or so dwellings blazed, with their pitiful inhabitants rushing hither and yon in their distress, and thick noisome smoke filled the air.

 

Ti's a merry sight, God wot, observed a bystander whom I discerned to be that leading dissident and Reformadoe Lord Cite.

My lord, why say you so, I wrangled, this doth cause much pain and loss to those within.

Tush man, he rejoindered, fire is natural, part of God's way of clearing the deadwood. We should relish it. Let marshmallows be toasted. Fetch a suckling pig. I'll wager that these wretches will be right merry once they join hands and ring the flames with a gay country jig.

I will to the king, said I, to ask his majesty for such help as can extinguish this conflagration speedily

As you will, Master Pepys, said he, but there is naught that any may do, for the fire is too hot, but a touch of warmth is welcome this chill morning, eh?

My lord, if naught be done and the wind blow north, then shall your fine mansion be in its path, said I and his visage at once chang'd, becoming worn with care

I'faith, I'd not thought of that. To think that my own house, my goods and chattels may burn. Why 'tis not to be borne. To the king, man, with all haste!, and I shall to my house to do what can be done.

Why my lord, I observed, surely if it burn it will be God's will, be of cheer and make merry in the smouldering remains.

 

At that he let out a cry of several profanities and hied speedily away, and I proceeded to Whitehall....

 

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

 

Announcing the Ramblings "Let's Make The Best Of It" competition

 

Readers! What disasters and unpleasantness, man-made or not, can we see the cheery side of? What helpful advice can you give to those whose lives are being ruined? Send in your heart-warming and uplifting advice to the usual address and the winners will receive a crate of English sparkling wine (warning, might be a bit warm). 

Terms and conditions apply.  You are not going to like them but that shouldn't prevent you from having a jolly good time anyway, even while you come to terms with their blatant unfairness and onerous sub-clauses. The bit about the winner getting some wine may not apply if the judges decide they would rather keep the wine themselves and there's nothing you can do about it.

The Binface Effect

 

Source: The Guardian

As forecast exclusively in this column, Count Binface achieved an astonishing result in the Clacton byelection. With 9,455 votes, the Count beat all the other candidates combined by nearly 6,000 votes. Apart from one N. Farage who received 22,000.

Sadly, Farage was not present at the declaration nor at the grand victory party supposed to have been held afterwards, on a deserted airfield nearby (apparently). He is probably licking his lips nervously and erasing incriminating files off his phone as the parliamentary review into his affairs (now he is once more an MP) recommences this very morning.

The Farage Farrago

 On 13th August the voters of Clacton will choose an MP. The by-election was caused by the resignation of their sitting member, Nigel Farage. Farage, no stranger to this column, was elected in 2024 with 46% of the vote and had a majority of 8,405. He wished to make a grand gesture of defiance to what he calls the establishment because he had been subject to parliamentary scrutiny in highly suspect financial transactions that appear to confirm what many have long believed: Our man is up to his eyes in corruption and is bankrolled by wealthy tax exiles with a deep contempt for multicultural, tolerant Britain. By resigning, Farage forced the investigation to go into abeyance pending his return.

 What Nige wanted was for the other main parties to run against him. His electoral victory would then show that he had the people behind him and would put his detractors on the defensive. But at this point the cunning plan failed.  Labour, The Conservatives, the Libdems  and the Greens declined to field candidates. Instead a vast number of independents are standing. Usually they would attract no attention but one of them is special. He has stood in many elections, and I encountered him as a candidate in 2019 when he stood against part-time prime minister B. Johnson in my own constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. He runs as "Count Binface", wears a metal bucket on his head at all times and claims to be from a galactic civilisation far, far away.

 Binface's manifesto in 2019 featured a pledge to sort out the position of the hand-dryer in the men's toilets at the Crown & Treaty pub in Uxbridge. That, amongst certain other factors, got him my vote.

Usually Binface and the like attract little media attention and few votes, but somehow his candidature came at just the right time and an astonishing opinion poll a few days ago showed that more people would like him to win in Clacton than those favouring Farage. 

Source: Ipsos

 Binface has been endorsed by outgoing prime minister Keir Starmer and ex-Chancellor Rachel Reeves, and by LibDem leader Ed Davey. Let us examine his manifesto for Clacton in full

Source: Instagram

 

 Point 20 is the most important - the hand-dryer has not been forgotten. The good Count has not broken his promise made to me and my neighbours in beautiful Ruislip. Points 4, 5 and 15 are also worth noting.

Of course, given the nature of this by-election loads of others are having a go. In fact there are more candidates than at any election in the UK, ever. Here is the list:

Source: BBC

It will be fascinating to see if Binface can get more votes than all the other no-hopers combined. I don't expect him to topple Nige, although no less an authority than ABC Australia thinks he might

Source Youtube

 and you can watch for yourself if you wish.

Let us see what the next fortnight brings. 

 Note: This article originally stated that the election was on 6th August. Full responsibility for this error has been attributed to the editor of this blog, who has been admonished and had his biscuit with tea privileges withdrawn for a day.

Name that Party

 Earlier this year Jeremy Corbyn, one time leader of the Labour Party but an independent since 2024, announced the formation of a new party, called Your Party. The cunning plan seems to be to propel himself and some like minded people back into power.

The Corbyn crowd are currently having a conference. However, the usual stuff of such get togethers - rousing speech by the leader, voting for composite motions and desperate scrums for the canapes at fringe meetings - have been entirely overshadowed by a huge row between Corbyn and co-leader Zarah Sultana about who can be a member. Such disputes are endemic to ultra left parties.

An even more fascinating question is what the party is to call itself: the monicker Your Party being something dreamed up in a hurry, apparently, and not necessarily intended to be the permanent name.

They have canvassed ideas and there is a short-list to be voted on. Whether the result will immediately trigger a split, a walkout or a furious media row is not yet clear. Up for grabs are "Your Party", "Our Party", "The Popular Alliance" and "For the Many". Rejected names include "It's My Party (and I'll Vote if I Want to)", "The Very Popular Party, Honest", "It's Party Time" and "The English People's Popular Front". The latter came under fierce attack from those favouring "The Popular Front for the English People", and a splinter group representing "The Peoples' Popular Front (England)" walked out in protest. Meanwhile, those favouring "The Party of the First Part shall be known as the Party of the First Part" attempted to walk in, but were barred for being too Marxist.

Questioned about his relationship with Sultana, Corbyn said he would be happy if she was co-leader but really he would be the main leader because, frankly, she was rubbish. Sultana said she greatly admired and respected Corbyn but if he thought she was playing second fiddle then he had even more screws loose than everybody thought. Corbyn announced an emergency motion that the Party owed a huge debt to Sultana and would she now kindly sod off. Sultana moved a composite motion to promote Corbyn to Honorary President and therefore to bar him from being leader. The debate continues.

The Return of the King

Chapter One

This time it was going to be alright. The nation might be in chaos, the leadership divided, the grassroots confused and voters losing confidence, but waiting calmly overseas was the one man who could save Britain. 

He had retreated when previous defeats seemed overwhelming but he knew, with a profound wisdom borne of many battles, that he was not utterly vanquished. There still might be some overlooked hope, some unexpected twist, that would bring him back triumphant, his enemies cowed and fleeing in disorder, his people shaking off the spells that bound them to those who had betrayed them, his very own great nation rising as one to usher him back into the power that he so richly deserved.

And so it was that as his aircraft bore him back into British airspace and the duty-frees were placed lovingly into the discreet briefcase that never left his side, he smiled; a wry but warm smile that he was returning to his own people and to the acclamation of his party ......

Stop press: 

Pic: BBC Website

 Chapter Two

And so it was that the King left once more for his warm retreat in the South American sunshine. [Another couple of thousand words here, please. Ed]

 

Call for Carroll

 As we seem to be living in some mad inverted version of reality, with chancellors being fired for carrying out the agreed policy, and home secretaries finding a flimsy excuse to resign, and prime ministers going nowhere one day and resigning the next, there is only one man to whom we may reliably turn for assistance in getting some sort of grasp, however feeble, on what the hell is going on.

The LizTruss and the Chancellor
were walking down the Mall
"With taxes cut there must be growth"
The LizTruss told her pal
"And as for those who tell us 'no'
I say let's sack 'em all".

"Perhaps the Bank of England might..."
The Chancellor began.
"God rot them all" the LizTruss said
"They're useless, every man.
Let's waste no time in cracking on
We have the perfect plan".

"Oh markets, come and join with us"
The LizTruss did beseech
"A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk
And I have much to preach"
"She's always right" The Chancellor said
"Keep quiet and let her teach".

The LizTruss and the Chancellor
Continued down their road.
But one by one the moneymen
remained in their abode.
"She's sowing doom" their faces said
"The markets will implode".

"The time has come" the LizTruss said
"To talk of many things
Of budgets, debt and fuel costs
Of reckless spending flings
And why the rich will save us all
And whether pigs have wings".

"But wait a bit" the markets cried
"Before you choose this path.
It doesn't seem to work at all
Has no-one done the math?"
"Keep quiet" snarled the Chancellor
"Or else you'll feel my wrath"

The LizTruss and the Chancellor
Discovered, to their cost
That people need to understand
And not feel double-crossed
The pressure grew, the storm it blew
And both were media-tossed.

And as the waves engulfed their boat
The Chancellor was caught
Discharged into the foaming waves
Their recklessness had bought
And now alone the LizTruss stood
Though all had come to naught.

The LizTruss and the Chancellor
No longer can be seen
Now others try to hide the tracks
Of where their steps had been
And scratch their chins and try to learn
Whatever did it mean?

All about U

It has been a turbulent few days with major swings in market confidence, falls in the value of the pound and shares, and increases in interest rates, combined with intense pressure on the government to appear to look at least vaguely competent. Readers may be confused about the latest proposals for managing the British economy, and the rapid changes taking place at the top, and the least we can do is to offer a simple guide.

The latest government U-turn overturns the planned reduction in the increase in tax, which was scheduled to be cut to no less than a phased-in increase, itself deferred a year and phased out under the U-turn which raised the rate it could be increased to the lower of the amount projected before the budgeted increase that was held over from the targeted reduction, itself reduced on a sliding scale proposed in the policy reversed by the U-turn that increased the maximum reduction to an increase of what had been previously reduced, and the maximum of the reduced increases of the forecast change based on a rolling forecast of turnouts from turn-ups for the book.

 A government spokesman said the government now intends to go away and lie down in a darkened room, although the amount of darkness may be reduced by the incremental increase in daylight consequent upon a phasing out of the twilight allowance, as projected previously but now tapered off and subject to any U-turns that may be ahead. Or have already happened.

 The ex-chancellor, who found himself summoned back to London from Washington so swiftly he would barely have a chance to stock up on duty-frees, turned into Downing Street, was turned out of office and turned back to a career on the back benches. The prime minister, who announced staunchly only yesterday that there would be no U-turn, reaffirmed today that all her previous statements were inoperative and now onwards, NOW ONWARDS, there would be no more U-turns, unless forced on her by the “markets” or by the raw fear gripping vulnerable Tory MPs, or if there was a jolly good reason to, and not just because of rash decisions taken on the back of ludicrous promises to gullible members of her party who were voting for her as leader, that is right out and not going to happen, we have her solemn and binding promise, read her lips, no U-turns. Unless….

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 Meanwhile a dilemma for lovers of poetry. Lines on the departure of Mr Kwarteng or welcoming the arrival of the man whose surname is so easy to match with suitable rhymes? I had made the obvious start this morning:

And so farewell to Kwazi
His job gone down the khazi

And that is as far as I got. I didn't really want to put something in about "arrested by the Stasi".  Anyway Jeremy H. is back and let us see how big a Hunt he can be this time.

Liz, meet Liz

 It seems a long time ago that I commented on the inevitable collapse of the shapeless government led by one B. Johnson, classical scholar, bon viveur and part-time MP for my constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. After an interminable summer of electioneering, the results of the vote for his successor were revealed yesterday. The ex-Foreign Secretary, of whom I know very little, Liz Truss, is the one going up to Balmoral today to have a cup of tea with HM and then move into No. 10, to face a daunting in-tray of problems. 

Whatever may befall, the simple pleasure of having a leader with a surname that rhymes harmoniously with many other words cannot be denied. Almost without having to pause for a refreshing cup of tea, I managed to jot down the following:

 A voice from the back of the bus
Enquired the cause of the fuss
"It's goodbye to Boris
That expert on Horace"
"Replaced by?" "A lady called Truss"

I am sure other and better ideas will flow in the weeks to come.

 

So Long, Boris, Part the Second

 Six years ago we witnessed as neat an act of political assassination as we might have wished to see. Michael "the Slithy Tove" Gove wielding the stiletto into the disbelieving back of our local MP and arch-opportunist B Johnson. The Tove's disavowal of his old chum forced Johnson to back off from his attempt to win the leadership of the Conservative Party.

That was a long time ago (politically speaking) but Johnson bided his time, bringing Gove back into government when he pushed out the hapless Theresa May. 

Yesterday the two antagonists had a grand showdown. Johnson's government has spectacularly exploded in the last two days, following the resignations of his Chancellor and Health Secretary, and then more than 50 other ministers and political appointees. Last night a delegation of them went to Downing Street to tell the incumbent to start packing his bags. Johnson resisted. Gove, who was one of the rebels but who had not resigned, was then sacked. Astonishingly, the newly appointed Chancellor has also expressed no confidence in his Prime Minister but remains in post. More astonishing still, this morning on the radio the Attorney General not only said he should go but that she was putting herself forward to succeed him. Oh, and she remains in post.

Even as I write these words, the news media are reporting that Johnson (who yesterday was going to fight on because he had a "mandate") will stand down but remain until the autumn. Or something.

It is impossible not to gloat over the downfall. The lies about Brexit and the cynicism  about the Northern Ireland protocol are shameful enough but the colossal waste of public money during the covid pandemic, the "partygate" scandal and the cover-up, the knee-jerk defence of any corrupt behaviour by a fellow Tory and the final straw - trying to defend the appointment of a drunken groper as a deputy whip and the the constant  whining "We've apologised so now let's all forget about it and move on"- these add up to an unanswerable indictment.

I believe that Johnson has seriously jeopardised the future of Britain. The SNP are now pushing for a second independence referendum and are much more likely to win it this time. The tensions in Ireland might undermine the Good Friday agreement. Putin's horrific invasion of Ukraine that began in February may, in part, have been launched because he saw the continuing divisions in the West as working in his favour. Britain, once a beacon for freedom, is now a country where migrants, who have made the long and extremely hazardous journey to reach our shores, may be deported to Rwanda.

Johnson did at least prevent the election of Jeremy Corbyn as prime minister, a man whose worship of anyone who wears a balaclava and brandishes a gun was genuinely terrifying. What else of his legacy will be regarded as worthwhile remains to be seen.

Petrol, panic and perception

 Here we go again. Another news story blown up out of proportion with serious consequences for huge numbers of people. Nine years ago the fears of a tanker drivers' strike (that never happened) created massive demand for petrol that saw many stations run dry and others besieged by long queues of motorists desperate to top up.Now, with a few BP stations having to close because of a shortage of tanker drivers, the fear has returned, generating the self-reinforcing "rational" behaviour of drivers queuing to fill up because they don't want to be trumped by all the other drivers queuing to fill up because they don't want to be the ones left out repeat ad nauseam.

 These are some of the typical comments on the Ruislip Facebook group posted today:

The cause of the shortage of tanker drivers is, of course, Brexit which at a stroke forced large numbers of drivers to return home but provided no home-grown replacements. We learned today from the hapless "Minister of Transport" that his department is considering whether temporary visas might help' naturally the most dysfunctional government department, the Home Office, is unhappy and will probably block it on the grounds that the British people voted to take control, or something.

Wholesale gas prices have increased sharply and shortages of other workers is pushing up inflation,  President Biden  has made it clear to prime minister Johnson that the UK is not in any sense a priority for a trade deal, a headline I saw in passing on one of the Irish daily papers stocked by my supermarket noted that UK exports to Ireland were down a third since Brexit, and now the media are raising alarm about whether the shelves will be fully stocked for Xmas. Jeepers. We really are the guys, aren't we?

 

Better late ...?

 Within the past hour it has been announced that a trade deal between the UK and the EU has been concluded. I say 'concluded' but of course all we have is agreement at the top level, and ratification by the governments must follow. Nonetheless, it enables all of us who believe in the benefits of trade, co-operation and friendship between nations to breathe a huge sigh of relief. The alternative - trading on WTO rules, tariffs and quotas and endless red tape (though there will be plenty of that anyway) and enormous scope for arguments, bans, blockades etc - was regarded by pretty well everyone as unthinkable. Not that this prevented a hard core of nutters from desiring it and no doubt the conspiracy theorists will be hard at work linking the deal with covid-19 and arguing that any deal at all which entails a British prime minister signing the same document as a foreigner must be a betrayal of our sovereignty.

The Brexit referendum was held in the summer of 2016. Here we are, four and half years later and on the verge of completing the exit procedure and only now do we have a trade deal that establishes how business is to take place from 1st January. It is truly staggering that it has taken so long to bring about something that everyone (bar the nutters) profoundly wished. Imagine if this lackadaisical approach had applied to other great events in history, such as this one ...

Scene: The Forum in Ancient Rome. Around lunchtime. Enter a group of senators gingerly testing the sharpness of their daggers and wincing a bit.

Brutus: We agreed, are we not? Today, the Ides of March, we strike at tyranny and bring down Caesar!
Cassius: All of us have sworn to act without hesitation for the good of Rome! Only death can stop us! It must be now! It shall be now!
Decimus Brutus: Death to Caesar and glory to the Roman republic!
Cinna: Er, hold on a second chaps, we still haven't agreed on what colour our flag should be. I still say it should be green.
Casca: Red. My constituents will accept nothing less.
Trebonius: Only if it has a yellow diagonal.
Cassius: Yellow with grey spots. My final offer.
Casca: Impossible. I've been utterly reasonable so far about the order of stabbing and who gets to stand next to Brutus at the press conference afterwards but yellow is a step too far. I'm sorry, I'm withdrawing back to Pompeii.
Trebonius: Then I too withdraw to my estates in Sicily.
Brutus: Ok, alright, let's calm down. I'll send out for some pizzas and we can have a rethink. Ides of March next year alright for everyone?

Nothing to See Here

During the covid-19 lockdown we have been urged (and required) to stay at home and avoid any unnecessary travel. It has emerged that the Prime Minister's advisor Dominic Cummings, closely associated with the strategy, himself travelled from London to be with his family in Durham. There has been much speculation about his position but Boris has stood behind his chum and, far from expressing regret that the Government appears to say one thing but do another, has instead told us all to forget all about it.

BBC News

This is a splendid way to deal with matters of public concern. If only men of such spirit had been around in the past then history would have been so much tidier and certain news stories would have been reported rather differently ...

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King shrugs off brutal murder claim

Knights exonerated - "They did nothing wrong" says Henry

A defiant King Henry II last night continued to back the men who had, on his orders, hacked to death popular Archbishop of Canterbury Thomas a Becket. Relaxing after a hunt and quaffing a tankard of finest Bordeaux wine, the monarch quipped
"He was getting past it to be Archbishop anyway, let's all look forward to Christmas and stop worrying".
Asked if he should be doing penance, His Majesty said "I am the law, God guides me, what on earth is all the fuss about?

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French army annihilated in Russia

Emperor Napoleon flees back to France

"I simply don't see this as a problem" the Emperor was reported as saying as he returned to his luxury apartments in the Tuileries "Yes, a few men died. Alright, a few hundred thousand. But what is that against my personal safety? Surely we can move on now, it's not as if their families are of the slightest account after all"

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Nixon re-elected for historic 3rd term

Huge majority backs "Hero of Watergate"

A triumphant Richard Nixon returned to the White House after securing a landslide in the 1976 Presidential election. 

"I told the people it was time to put Watergate behind us" he said to the world's media gathered in the Rose Garden "I said time and time again that I knew nothing about any bugging or conspiracy to pervert justice and you know, if you tell the American people something enough times, it gets so they come to believe it. I'm gonna keep on running and come the 1980 election I know that I'll be the right man for the job"

Election 2019 - The man who didn't lose

Following the general election in which his party secured less than 33% of the votes of British electors, the still-there-but-apparently-going-soon leader Jeremy Corbyn has claimed that he won all along really. His party may have lost 42 seats to the Conservatives but Corbyn clearly believes that he triumphed, winning the arguments and the love and admiration of the British people as well. All those people who, when canvassed, said that he was the biggest reason why they could not support Labour, well they were on his side all along, weren't they? They were just joshing, playing the old pretend-to-vote-for-someone-else game to the hilt.

Mr Corbyn is expected to visit Buckingham Palace in the near future to kiss hands with the Queen, prior to taking office as prime minister, receiving the Nobel prize for all-round brilliance, supervising peace negotiations in Korea and launching Britain's bid to host the 2030 World Cup, the 2032 Olympics and the Eurovision Song Contest. At least, that's what he believes.

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Election 2019 - The Aftermath

A Conservative landslide, Labour humiliation and the leader out, LibDems marginalised and the leader out, "British Lion Roars" according to the Daily Express.

And yet - in England the Conservatives won only 47.2% of the vote. Across the UK, 43.6%. The nation as a whole did not endorse the government of our local mp B. Johnson.

In Scotland the result apparently justifies fresh calls for a referendum on independence but the SNP secured just 45% of the vote and manifestly do not have a mandate for it.

Funny business, politics.

I also noted that apparently Labour had sent "hundreds" of supporters to my constituency, Uxbridge and Ruislip South. What on earth were they doing? If each knocked on just 50 doors a day over a three day period that would be a minimum of 30,000 dwellings comprising the whole of the constituency. Nobody knocked on my door, I saw none of them in the street, there is not a single Labour poster to be seen (actually damn few for any party) and even yesterday, in Uxbridge town centre, they were invisible. That has to be the least effectual canvassing in electoral history. Not that a decent effort would have made any difference, of course.

We now have a government with enough support to enable it to pass its legislative programme but whether they have the faintest idea what they actually want to achieve is anybody's guess, since the only concrete ideas so far to emerge is the mantra "Get Brexit Done" with all the negotiations still to be done, and "supporting" the NHS which the Conservatives have happily run down in the past ten years.

However if one good thing came out of the election it was the sudden elimination of the Ulster DUP from the national scene. No longer does the government need to rely on their handful of seats ( now reduced by a couple including their leader at Westminster). This may well be a significant step toward the reunification of Ireland because the Conservatives have nothing to lose by abandoning Ulster behind a new customs barrier. Equally, having been wiped out in Scotland they may feel the same way about the Union. We shall see.

Election 2019 - The Candidates Step Forward

Living as I do in the prime minister's constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip we can expect a fair amount of media attention over the next few weeks. Which will make a contrast to the past ten days in which just one measly leaflet (for Boris) came through my letterbox.

The pace has certainly quickened today thanks to this announcement of the candidates on Twitter

Two members of the aristocracy are gracing us with their presence. I'm impressed. I shall definitely give one of them my vote, unless I don't. And that's a promise. Guaranteed.

101 Things #22 - Voting Against

We continue to add more bile-laden pieces to this set of anti-bucket list material that comprises 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die   and this piece was started during the final few days before Boris Johnson's absolute, die-in-a-ditch, cast-iron guarantee that Britain would leave the EU on 31 October. For the benefit of historians let us note that Britain did not leave on that date, Parliament having prevented the Government from stupidly going ahead without a deal and without proper scrutiny of the "deal" Mr Johnson claimed to have negotiated.

Instead of leaving, Britain must now undergo a General Election which could well return a hung Parliament and pave the way for months more of chaos and flailing around at Westminster. Perhaps I should restate that: Instead of remaining in the EU, or at least having a straight referendum so that the people can decide if the deal negotiated on their behalf by a minority government is acceptable, we have the hope that Parliament will continue to represent the broad views of all Britons rather than a sect of believers in something they have failed to deliver.

I have commented a number of times on the politics behind the Referendum of 2016 and will keep today's polemic to a minimum. In the light of the way that campaign was conducted, the strategy of the Leavers since and their failure to realise that the peace and prosperity of all of Europe matter deeply to this country, it is easy for me to declare that I will not

Vote for a Brexiteer

Politics tends to be one side stating its case and then refusing to hear or engage with the other side and Brexit has been poisonously dividing the country for way too long. I guess we will have to go through with it. That does not mean I can give forgive the lies or the lack of vision of those whose childish view of the world is that we can only go up if someone else goes down.

By "Vote" I do not mean just in General Elections. I mean local elections, Mayoral elections, elections to the pub darts team and to the football club sub-committee that organises the annual pro-celebrity charity tiddlywinks tournament and pie-eating contest. Right across the board. This will not, of course, have the slightest impact on the Brexit decision or anything else, probably, but it will certainly make me feel a tiny bit happier.

Election 2019 - Boris opens the scoring

The first election leaflet to drop gracefully through our letter box came yesterday.  It was a short one, featuring our well-known MP and occasional Prime Minister, Johnson, B. He appeared in some fifteen pictures inside featuring various locations around the constituency, including one taken outside the very chemist that Mrs C. and I frequent.

Boris made just three simple pledges

1. To respect the views of his constituents: a sort of meta-pledge this, a promise to make promises but, given that this is the man who was going to lie down in front of the bulldozers should Heathrow be expanded, and who then ensured he was out of the country when Parliament voted on it, it is hard to give this one the slightest credence.
2. To put more police on the streets.
3. To get Hillingdon Hospital rebuilt.

Not a single mention of Brexit or any aspect of Conservative party policy.

I shall await the offerings of the other candidates.

Back to the Hustings

Governments floundering without majority support, febrile calls for elections; major policy decisions stymied by many conflicting views; the hope that an election will sort it out - are we in Belgium,  Italy or Israel? No. We are in Britain and the days of looking wonderingly at chaos in other countries are well and truly over.

The Conservatives have cast off many supporters in the hope of retaining the rest; the Brexit party snaps at their heels. Labour still seems unclear whether to stick to its principles or chase the votes of its traditional supporters. Support for other parties is growing but they will still be minorities in what could well be another hung parliament.

Today we are likely to see agreement on holding a General Election (Under the Fixed Term Parliaments Act this is required whereas in the old days all that was needed was for the Prime Minister to take the short drive to advise the Queen that he could no longer lead an administration). Opposition parties always claim to be longing for an election but until recently Labour has been rather coy and without its consent Parliament could not be dissolved. That consent is, it seems, about to be given.

As has become traditional this column will endeavour to convey a sense of how it all feels to the ordinary commuter (or ex-commuter) in the street. We begin being fairly confused about the way ahead and it is entirely credible that in some six weeks time we will be even more so.