The Man Without the Golden Boot

The Guardian

 

James Bond sat at his desk, contemplating an easy day ahead. Perhaps a long lunch, then take the Bentley down to Sussex and, after a round of golf, some relaxation with Felicity. Or Fiona. Or...the red telephone buzzed and he was instantly alert.
"Right away, please". It was Miss Moneypenny, M's fearsome secretary. Bond snapped to his feet and made his way to the eighth floor.
"Morning, gorgeous" he began as he opened the door but she was tight-lipped "He's waiting, James". Bond shrugged and went straight in to the room beyond.

"Sit down 007". M, a half-smoked cheroot held absently in his left hand, gestured to the chair and Bond, without a word, knowing that something very big was up, obeyed. "Now then, 007, we have a crisis. Last night the entire kit of the England football team was stolen."

"Surely that's impossible" Bond blurted and M nodded "As heavily guarded as the crown jewels but nonetheless it happened. CIA are clamping down on the news but it will break in a day or so. We've got to get that kit back before then or God knows what may happen. Big match coming up. You know what might follow if we lose. Smithers at the Bank of England thinks there could be a run on the pound, or worse. Bond, you're on the next plane to Miami."
"On my way, sir"

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The big black car rolled to a stop outside the airport terminal. Bond took a seat in the back and the car moved off at once, expertly driven through the heavy lunchtime traffic. Bond turned to the short man in the grey suit sitting beside him
"Good to see you again, Felix" he said. His old CIA partner Felix Leiter smiled "And you, you old bastard. Now I don't know what they told you, James, but this thing has got us beat. Who the hell would take such a risk for some soccerball gear? FBI have found the truck and we're going there right now"

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The U-Haul truck was by the side of the road in a deserted industrial park, back doors open revealing the emptiness within. Forensic teams were working in and around it. Bond and Leiter looked it over. 
"Anything?" Leiter asked the head of the unit. "Nothing sir, they just hijacked the truck, drove it here, used a jemmy on the doors and took everything. We're baffled"
Bond strolled around to the cab. His eyes narrowed and he reached in under the driver's seat.
"Felix, look at this"
"What is it James?"
"A book of matches. Marked 'Magumbo Club'. Know it?"
"I sure do, James. Hangout for every hoodlum and two-bit grifter in downtown Miami. Owner is a Mr Flobeld"
"Let's get over there. Pronto"

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"So Mr Bond, we meet again". The man in the swivel chair was facing away from Bond as he and Leiter were pushed into the dark room at the back of the Magumbo Club, half a dozen guns held on them by the impassive, kilted and tartan-clad henchmen. It had been easy to penetrate the club and, while Leiter distracted the barmen with a simple conjuring trick, Bond had slipped into the corridor behind in search of clues, but it had been a trap.The henchmen were waiting for them.

"Again? We've met before?" Bond said, mind racing as he tried to think where he recognised the voice of the sinister club owner.
"We have, Mr Bond. I was going by the alias of Delflob then".  Bond, his eyes narrowed, narrowed them further "Lledbof. Angus McCameron Partick Thistle Lledbof. The man who wanted to flood England with fake porridge. The man who tried to steal the stone of Scone by replacing it with a rock of Crumpet.  I should have guessed. And these Scottish hoods - there was only one team that Scotland really worried about and stealing the England kit was the obvious way to unsettle them. You knew that, if they had to play in new boots, they would all get blisters."
"Precisely, Mr Bond. And I have also bet a considerable amount of money on England losing. Not only will I be well in with the SNP when they finally take power, but I shall be able to afford that little BnB just outside Arbroath that I have always wanted. But I'm afraid neither you nor Mr Leiter will be able to stay there. Ha ha. Ha ha ha"

Editor's note. The manuscript ends here. Did Bond escape? Did he manage to have a restful few days at the little BnB just outside Arbroath anyway? Did England win anything? Alas, we shall never know.

World Cup '26 - Our Exclusive, All You Need to Know, Preview

 World Cup fever is here again and the question that everyone is asking is, will our viewing experience be altered in any way by being hosted in the USA?*  You need not wait until the tournament begins because we have the answers right here, as we bring you the time-honoured tradition of the Ramblings Preview.

There will be more use of VAR ("Video assisted rubbish"), lengthy drinks-breaks  and some rules have been tweaked, notably the one that says the winning team receive a trophy. In future, the winning team will be required to present  the trophy to President Trump. As this is unlikely to be England, we won't worry about it.

I have a feeling that the TV coverage will be something like this ...

Wed June 17. England vs Croatia. Dallas

"...and you join us here high above the Irving C Feistershmeckel III stadium as the match begins. I'm Bob Bland and with me is Hiram Highslacker. Hiram, there's two teams out there but only one can win, right?
- Bob, that is so true. It's all about the goals. But it might be a draw if, say, they both score the same number of goals.
- Is that so? Sounds complicated. But as the umpire blows to start the match and one of the guys down there touches the ball, let's take a commercial break..."

.....

"...And welcome back to this soccerball ball game here in Dallas where it is a cool 90 in the shade, or at least it is for us here in the air-conditioned commentary room, I hate to think what it's like for the players down there on the field.
- Sure gonna be warm, Bob and you know, those England players, they usually play in the rain and the fog, this must be pretty damn strange for them. 
- Sure is, Hiram, and can you update us about the scores?
- Glad to, Bob, there's been a goal, maybe two, but before I give you the details, here's a reminder about Alvaro's Funeral and Pizza Parlour in downtown Dallas - the place to go when you need to bury someone but just gotta get something to eat first. Do it all at Alvaros.
- Thanks Hiram, and down there on the grass, seems like the umpire is holding up a red card and waving it around, what the heck is that all about?
- Probably a helpful message from one of the sponsors, Bob, I know that Tom's Taxis here in Dallas have all-red cabs and nobody has cleaner ashtrays than Tom's.
-That's good to know, Hiram. And stay tuned to this channel, folks, so you don't miss a thing but it's time for a commercial break....

Tues 23 June. England vs Ghana. Boston

"...Bob Bland with you once again coming live from the CleanerCoal arena here in Boston, sponsored by Cleanercoal, the carbon sulphur mix that is so good for your throat, and with me is the stats and play expert, Hiram Highslacker. How's it going down on the gridiron, Hiram?
- Bob, it's all happening down there. England have kicked the ball. Ghana have kicked it back. Then several players kicked it and it went up in the air and of them actually hit it with his head. Can you believe that? Both of the quarterbacks have been in action, picking up the ball and distributing out to the linemen. Right now the play is halted because there is a VAR review about a comment one of the England team made to an assistant linejudge. I gather they have put out a call for a specialist in some strange language called Geordie. While we're waiting, I'll give you a full rundown on all the scores and plays, but first a word from Fatbuster Burgers, our special sponsors here this evening...

Sat 27 June. England vs Panama. New York

"...and as you rejoin us after that short break, it seems that Panama have scored again but we have to wait for the VAR review as to whether the celebrations went on too long, so while we are waiting, let's have a commercial break ..."

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* Yes, there are some trivial matches in Mexico and Canada but I've done the "slumped by the cantina" gag too many times and I can't think of anything worth saying about Canada.

Winning in the Snow

The Olympic Winter Games begin this week in Cortina, Italy. There is much excitement about the prospects for the British contestants. Let us not get too carried away. In 1988 and 1992 Britain won no medals. We did win two in 1994 but did not surpass this until 2014 and also 2018 when five were clocked. But 2022 saw a return to form with just two again.

Credit: Lebedev Evgeniy 

It's just not fair.  We are used to a certain sort of weather which in turn produces a certain sort of ground covering (see above), and it is not the pristine, fluffy deep snow that the skiers seek, nor are we blessed with lots of lakes that freeze up nicely for the skaters. It is time that there was a sports festival based on conditions in which our gallant athletes can truly compete:

• Slushboarding - contestants race over a pot-holed, slush covered road, trying to avoid keep left signs, speed bumps, badly parked cars and wobbling pedestrians. 
• Skating on thin ice - open to politicians of all parties as they make promises they cannot keep, affirm adherence to codes of conduct and swear loyalty to their leaders.
• The Overpass Dash - sprinters must race up and over ice-covered bridges to make a train connection
• Snowball fights - for individuals or teams. Spectators observe at their peril. No putting lumps of ice in the balls.
• Building a snowman, with both speed and artistic quality events. Scarfs may embody national colours. Competitors must supply lumps of coal and carrots.
• Stamping on puddles - Points are awarded for the height of splashes. 
• Snow on the line - A city tube network is crippled due to bad weather. Contestants must find the path between two stations that maximises the announcements about extensive delays, has the least useful replacement services and the most time spent shivering on a platform waiting for trains that are terminated at the preceding stop.

Readers! Suggest new events for the Realistic Winter Games. 

The best suggestions will be forwarded to the organisers and any adopted will win a fabulous, no-expenses paid holiday to the first AirBnB we can find that will give us a free room in exchange for a plug in these hallowed columns. Send in your ideas to the usual address. Terms and conditions apply and, in accordance with the spirit of the Olympics, will be supplied in exchange for a massive backhander in a brown envelope.

 

Euros '24 - It's All Here, Right Now, We've Got It Covered

 Once more the England men's football team is poised to compete in a major tournament and once more this column is proud to bring you the only comprehensive, targeted and fully-costed preview you need. Last night in a spectacular and deeply impressive friendly against Iceland last night, where our lads took on the might of the team ranked no less than 72nd in the world, they acquitted themselves superbly by only losing 1-0, and had at least one shot on target. We can now accurately chart their progress in the group stages of the European Championships which begin in one week, hosted by Germany. Iceland did not actually qualify this time but we remember what happened just a few years ago and England have made huge strides since then. Back in 2016 we lost 2-1. This time we limited them to scoring only 1 goal. That is a 100% improvement in terms of letting in goals.  Confidence will be sky high. 

What then of the three matches ahead? It seems likely that things will go something this...

Sunday 16th June vs Serbia. Gelsenkirchen

Result Serbia 2 England 1

Our special correspondent writes...The sun beat down relentlessly on the unforgiving arena that was Gelsenkirchen's Schadenfreude Stadium as England, playing an unfamiliar 3-5-2 formation struggled against the plucky Serbs. Temporary manager G. Southgate's problems were due to the last minute withdrawal of several key defenders who cited niggling groin strains, urgent appointments with their ghost-writers and not wishing to miss a barmitzvah as reasons to stay at home. 

Serbia's midfield dynamo Mágĩc scored the first by hitting the ball directly at the goal  - something Ramsdale had not expected. The second came from a corner where Plȃstȉc's high ball dropped accurately toward the far post and Trȁgĩc had only to tap in as all the defenders were looking the other way. England did pull one back at the end when Trippier booted the ball into the area and it bounced off Kane, the referee and a ball-boy before eluding Fȃntastȉc in goal.

"A good result against a superb and in-form side, even better than Iceland" said Southgate afterwards. "We know what we have to do now. Yes. Yes, we certainly know. There can be no denying that essential fact. The evidence is plain. We simply have to turn up next time and, er, do it"

Thursday 20 June vs Denmark. Frankfurt

Result Denmark 3 England 1

Our special correspondent writes...In the windswept, rain-drenched vortex of 100% proof football that was Frankfurt's SchwanzstuckermitWurst Park , England faced the mighty Danes with grit, determination and, er, grit. With a brand-new 3-6-1 formation, forced upon temporary manager G. Southgate as several key players reported "feeling a bit funny" after an all-night currywurst and Blue Nun special, it was unfortunate that the Danes scored from the first kick, shooting directly at goal. "I didn't expect that" said hapless shot-stopper Ramsdale "I thought nobody would try that one again". Strikers Hans and Christian found easy paths to goal through England's ponderous midfield whilst Andersen had little to do as shots fizzed wide, or over the top, or were scuffed directly at him. England's consolation goal came when Saka dribbled into the penalty area and stepped over the ball, Foden fell over Palmer's untied boot-lace and Watkins stuck his leg out to keep his balance, deflecting the ball past the defence who were mainly holding their sides laughing.

"We can take a lot of positives from that game" Southgate wrote later on Twitter "We know now that kicking the ball up the field rather than backwards makes it more likely we can score. We just have to put that into practice"

Tuesday 25 June vs Slovenia. Cologne

Result England 0 Slovenia 5

Our special correspondent writes...The gale force blizzard that somewhat unexpectedly turned Cologne's UberAlles Avenue Arena into a skating rink did England's gallant players no favours. Temporary manager G. Southgate chose a controversial 2-8-0 formation, comprising whatever was left of the squad after an impromptu schweinshaxe and schnappes contest. But Roglič and [insert other well-known Slovenian here] simply booted the ball over the top of the midfield and scored at will.

"It was hard going" admitted Southgate, writing in The Beano "but our lads showed they can match the best in the world. They were all there at the kick-off and, by God, most of them were still standing at half-time. Nobody can do more for their country.  We leave with heads held high and suitcases stuffed full of duty-frees, and I know we will receive the welcome we deserve"

 

World Cup 2022 - Read it here, read it first!

 It's that magic time of year, when the thrill of anticipation makes your blood tingle and your heart beat just a little faster. The laughter and merriment of children - the twinkling smiles of the old folk - the cheerful lights beating back the gloom of the late autumn evenings. Join us as we celebrate the wonderful world of - The World Cup in Catarrh  [Does this look right to you? Ed]

We've always been ahead of the game when it comes to English football. You marvelled at the accuracy of our forecasts for the World Cup in Brazil in 2014, you gawped in disbelief as we nailed it yet again for the 2016 Euros in France and you were speechless beyond belief when we unveiled our take on the World Cup in Russia in 2018. We were the first to pick England as the winners, or losers, against Germany in the Euros 2021 And now it is time to let your brains boggle into hyperspace as we invite a star panel of some of the finest contributors to this column to bring us -  

The Ramblings Exclusive Predictions for World Cup 2022

First, let's meet the panel.

*Fresh from a series of work-placements at some of the most dynamic, forward-thinking and exciting businesses ever to use more than one font for a PowerPoint presentation, it is the Young Intern of the Year (failed), Taz¹.

*Acclaimed for his ability to drink coffee whilst dismissing objections in all directions,  be upstanding for American judge and all-round cliché dispenser, Judge D. Crockett².

*Our intrepid correspondent (name withheld to protect him, his family and his entire neighbourhood) who covered the astonishing rise and decline of the supreme head of the Mongol Hordes, President Khan, and who has finally stopped shaking enough to hold a pen³

*And the man holding the ring and steering the ship - it's our very own Ed ⁴.

 

Match 1 - England v Iran, Sheikitallabout Stadium, Nov 21st

Taz: Ah, gosh, spotlight on me then, as it were, oh dear, I don't have a lot of time for football, merely being in the same office as a business executive makes me weak at the knees. Ermm, I go for 86 for 4 in the third chukka.
Crockett: Gonna be plenty of ass kicked in that ballgame, yes sirree
Correspondent: The latest rumours circulating amongst the water-sellers at the Dung Gate are that one team is certain to win, unless it is a draw.
Ed: That seems pretty unanimous then, we back England. Or the other team. God speed to both of them.

Match 2 England vs USA, AbdulsProstheticHands Arena Nov 25th

Crockett: US of A every time feller, ol' Uncle Sam'll be doing the whopping of asses in this one, we'll knock them out of left field. Those redcoats ain't gonna know what hit them and let me tell you this, boy, if I don't get me some cawfee and donuts real soon, I may just have to go out and get them myself, you hear what I'm saying?
Taz: Oh dear, honestly, I do hope it's a jolly good match and not too many get out for a duck, I think England by a short head and that young Mickey Rooney, I hear he's a jolly good player, they ought to get him on with that other chap, Hurri Cane is it?
Correspondent: I'm afraid the last match I saw was the Mongol Horde vs the Moghul Allstars at polo and I had to leave when they kicked the ball into the river and asked if anyone with a particularly large, round head wished to participate.
Ed: I think it looks like rain. Blast, I left my umbrella at my aunt's. 

Match 3 England vs Wales Doha-diddydiddydumdiddydo Park Nov 29th

Correspondent: Ah, a civil war situation. Had a few of those back in my time. President Khan started most of them by arguing with his supporters about the best way to execute his enemies.
Crockett: Yup, we know all about the war between the states, young feller. Them damn Yankees and those yelling Rebs, gosh darn it, some people got themselves hurt real bad, can you believe that?
Taz: Oh yes, um, don't really want to have to pick a side here, bit sensitive, there's a girl in the office called Myfanwy, rather sweet really, hoping to take her out for a coffee one day, better not rock the boat if you know what I mean.
Ed: I'm going to go out on a limb here. England to win 5 -0. There, I said it. And by God, I'd do it again if I had to.

There it is. England to win the stages, unless they fail to. Success in the later rounds absolutely guaranteed although a shock knockout in the round of 16, the quarter-finals or the semi-finals is always likely. As to the final - we shall have to wait and see.

 

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Footnotes

1. After his debut at Channel 4, Taz featured with Easyjet, Coca-Cola and TV host Carol Azam (probably)

2. He presided over Pumpernickel vs Pumpernickel, Trump's Lying Lawyer vs The Truth and The Case of the Rude Waiter

3. Our reporter first went to Karakorum to cover the surprise election of President Khan in 2016 and continued to file increasingly erratic, if not downright peculiar, stories until the shock moment when Pres. Khan finally had to put his scimitar away

4. No introduction needed, not that it would be given even if it was.

On Top

 It won't last. It can't last. Nobody assumes for a second that we will even be in the top 10 at the end of the season. But right now, after five games played, Wealdstone FC are top of the National League.

I am putting this magic moment on to the internet to be preserved for as long as my good friends at Google maintain the Blogger website. Further down the table are heavyweights like Chesterfield, Notts County and Wrexham. But what of them? No Stones fan tonight could give a toss.

For the record, the Stones beat Bromley, lost to Eastleigh (on the hottest day of the year), then demolished Oldham, Halifax and today Gateshead. They have the smallest playing budget in the league and are the only team to be part-time.

The last time this club were in a similar position was in 1985 when they won the predecessor to the National League, the Alliance. But the National is a very different league. Then, all the teams were part-time. All had only experienced non-league football. Today, with automatic promotion / relegation for two teams each season, at least half of the league have experience of the Football League, and have grounds, facilities and budgets to match. In reality, this is the best position that Wealdstone have ever been in their 120 year history. So you may forgive me a little bit of gloating. 

Ready and Waiting

 Sky Sports, who have for some years secured the rights to broadcast football matches, have put up posters to publicise this well-worn tit-bit of useless information. Useless, because if you are the sort of person who pays to watch sports broadcasts then you already know, and if not, you don't care. But be that as it may, they have clearly fired their Head of Creative Thinking and appointed some bloke that the personnel manager met down the pub. For the slogan on the poster is

"We're ready. Are you?"

Call me a mad, wild-eyed, clutcher at straws if you must (and I know some of you are keen to have the chance) but I had assumed that a company that has spent many millions of pounds in securing its exclusive deals and which has huge experience in broadcasting and streaming sports content, would actually be ready for the start of a new football season. This is what they do. This is how they earn their money. Several weeks ago their planners would have opened up their diaries and carefully pencilled in the dates of the first matches. Then they would have written them on to the big wall-chart hanging up at the back of the office, next to the flyer about the annual outing to Canvey Island and the note begging people to kindly not take the last of the milk without replacing it, thank you very much.  Then they would have compiled a list of things to remember:

1. Cameras
2. Warm clothes in case it gets cold at night
3. Spare batteries for lights
4. Thermos flask
5. Notebook to write down names of scorers and people sent off
6. Return rail ticket
7. 500m of high-duty 600w power cable
8. Folding canvas chair
9. Sandwiches

and with that, they could go out for a long lunch in the knowledge of a job well done.  They were ready!

 That completes the first half, as it were. After the break we shall be back for all the action as we examine the second part of the slogan. Stay with us!

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We're back with all the action in what should be a blistering second half of excoriating invective. The question that must be faced is our state of preparation. They are ready. Are we?

I dunno. I mean, it's not really anything to do with me. Every year the football season begins more or less at this time. One has gotten used to it. But am I ready for Sky Sports being ready? No. I shall never be ready. I don't even know what they mean in this context. If I were not ready, what would be different? They will broadcast matches. I, being a non-subscriber, will not watch them and will do so in the blissful knowledge that I wouldn't watch them even if they were free. I don't want to watch their content. 

However, they have posed the question so do they expect an answer? Should I phone them, wait for the inevitable recorded message about going on their website and how important my call is etc etc before some salesperson answers:

Salesperson: "Hello, sorry to keep you waiting, how can I help

Me: Gasping a little, a catch in my throat "I'm not ready. I'm so sorry. I meant to be. I tried. But I am not. You are, you told me so, you went to the trouble of putting up a poster by the station where I had to see it. I feel I've let you down, let everybody down, I'm so miserable and I just want to kick the cat, only I haven't got one, you see how unprepared I am, help me, help me please"

Salesperson: Can I interest you in 240 channels of unspeakable tat for just £250 plus VAT a month and only £600 to pay if we are unable to provide the service and you cancel?

No, I can't go through with it. I shall remain unready. Ethelred didn't pay to watch the Northumbrians beating the hell out of the Picts and I shall follow his example.

The Swans Fly Off

 I wrote a few weeks back about the peculiar problems surrounding Staines Town FC, who play their football in tier 4 of the non-league pyramid. Denied access to their ground by the owner, they were desperate to complete the season, even though they face relegation, rather than suffer the ignominy of having all their results expunged. Through friendly contacts, they managed to secure their final league match at Wealdstone's (my home team, let me remind you) ground, and so it was that yesterday, with the Stones playing miles away at Altrincham, I toddled along in the warm sunshine to watch them take on another local side, Northwood.

Alas, the Swans were hopelessly outclassed and lost 8-1, their rather ponderous (and distinctly short) defence having little answer to the Woods' relentless attacking and excellent corner-kicking.

This will almost certainly be the last match played by this club - they may or may not return via a "phoenix" club set up by supporters under a similar name but in a much lower league; a sad demise for a club formed at exactly the same time as the Stones and who we have encountered many times over recent years.

Dr. Commuter assists ... Manchester United

 

 

Dr. Commuter writes:  I gather that English Premier League football team Manchester United are currently doing less well than they or their fans would wish, and that they are seeking aid from kindly souls such as Mr Ferdinand (pictured above).

I can save a whole point from the list, whatever it may contain, and thereby allow United more time to pack in extra football action. Here is my exclusive five-point plan for Mr ten Hag or anyone else to exploit as they wish.

1. Get a decent goalie. Goalies can help prevent the opposition from scoring goals
2. Get a decent defence. Defenders not only prevent goals from being scored against but can link up with the midfield (see below)
3. Get a decent midfield. Midfielders can link up with the defence (see above) and the forwards (see below) to help control the game and enable their side to score more goals than the others do
4. Get some decent forwards. Forwards can score goals and force the opposition to commit resources to defending, thereby relieving the pressure on the midfield (see above) and defence (see further above). 
5. Er, that's it. Just do all the above and you can save a further valuable point.

We seem to have ended up with a four-point plan and it may be possible to reduce it still further by judiciously inserting the word "player". Thus we may restate the entire plan in one succinct statement.

1. Get some decent players.

I think that will do for now.

 

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If you are a sporting manager in need of advice, do please contact Dr. Commuter at the usual address. Offers of free season tickets and attendance at prestige sporting events will not be rejected.

Mayhem Off The Pitch

 Staines Town FC play in the 8th tier of English football. A few years ago they were in the same league as my side, Wealdstone, but have fallen on hard times. However, nothing could have prepared the world of non-league fandom for the announcement made today by the club's management. They have alleged that the owners of their ground are guilty of serious crimes, including money laundering, child slavery, sanctions-busting ... and murder.  And consequently the club is refusing to play any more matches.

 

That astonishing statement in full

 

Staines are currently bottom of their league, the Isthmian South-Central, and already relegated to the depths of county league football. So they would have been kicked out of the league in any case. It is not clear why the club is refusing to play, unless it be that they refuse to pay any more rent to the ground owners. Going by the fans'  unofficial forum, there is no confidence in the club's owners but it is not clear if there is a connection between them and the ground owners. Hopefully some fans can keep the show going and maybe reform next season, albeit at a much lower level. 

The club have written an open letter to the Home Secretary making the same allegations as in the statement so it will be interesting to see if, given the serious nature of the alleged crimes, the police are involved. Although the news has reached the "Trending" level on Twitter, there is, of course, no reaction so far from the Isthmian League or the FA.

The Man on the Scooter

 The Olympic Games are well underway in Tokyo and right now cycling events are taking centre stage. Whilst most sports leave me cold, I enjoy cycling, one of the very few activities that I do myself. I find the strength, stamina and daring of Grand Tour cyclists genuinely impressive. However, the Olympics cuts out pretty well all of this in order to have nearly all of the cycling events take place in a velodrome. So there are no grinding climbs up 1 in 8 ascents, no 70kph descents round hairpin bends, no breakaways and chasedowns... just one long sequence of cyclists going as fast as possible whilst going round and round. "How can we spice this up and add something to grip the wider public?" was the burning question.¹

The answer was a race called the Keirin, introduced in 2000. The competitors follow a man on a scooter (or "keirin") who, grim-faced and unwavering, chunters round the course whilst they follow, forbidden to overtake until the final three or four laps when they are permitted to sprint for the finishing line. Naturally, in the Ramblings household, all attention is on the little man (given that there is not a lot going on behind him, other than the cyclists gradually speeding up to match his gradually speeding-up scooter). Will he ever look to left or right? Will he glance over his shoulder with a "So long, suckers" kind of expression? Will he fall off, leaving a rogue scooter careering up and down the steeply banked sides of the arena while the cyclists scramble to dodge it?

How does one get this sort of job? It requires no physical skill but a fair amount of concentration. Do the Japanese hold intensive week-long exams where the candidates, wearing loose judo-style clothing and headbands, confront each other with glaring eyes and chest-beating? Must they be able to compose, and to illustrate though beautiful calligraphy, haikus in honour of cranes soaring in the morning mist over Mount Fuji? Is there a Keirin Master who asks baffling Zen-style questions such as "If a man falls off a scooter in a deserted arena, is he enlightened or merely bruised?"

This is the only sport where a non-competitor is actively involved. You don't get girls in jodhpurs cantering on a pony ahead of the steeplechasers, casually guiding her steed over the jumps whilst calling back "Come on, it's easy". The rowers, who of course train with a coach on a bike, barking instructions through a megaphone whilst tracking them on the towpath, nonetheless are quite capable of going up and down the pool without, say, a bloke wearing sunglasses in a motor-boat and swigging champagne, going ahead of them. A young woman on very high stilts is not required to encourage the pole-vaulters, nor do frisbee-throwers dance about when the discus-throwers begin chucking things.

My final problem with the Keirin is simply its pure artificiality. Nobody can take part in this sport unless they have access to a velodrome and to one of the little men with a scooter to hand. Anyone can ride a bike but almost nobody who does so will ever participate in a Keirin - it is strictly for the elite, a spectator sport rather than an all-embracing one. Which is why I couldn't care less if they dropped it and we never heard of it again. But if they introduced Keirin jousting, where two competitors ride in opposite directions for a few laps, one higher than the other, until that last lap where they meet literally head-to-head whilst brandishing spears ...yes, that one would definitely be watchable.

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1. I assume it was a team of stupidly over-paid marketing consultants who took on this assignment. They probably drooled over the fantastic commercial possibilities of ad-breaks during the interminable laps before the actual racing began.

Sporting Triumph

 I said in my last piece that England would triumph¹ in the European Championship "Round of 16" knockout against Germany and that is what they did.

Source: BBC

Not only did we enjoy the rare spectacle of a Wembley crowd behind England in a game that really mattered but they stifled their old enemies before despatching them with two beautiful goals. And to add the topping to this burger, veteran cyclist Mark Cavendish, unexpectedly summoned to take part in the Tour de France when his career seemed to be over, won the day's sprint. Fittingly, the location was where he last won a stage at the Tour, five years ago.

At a time when covid cases are rising back to some 20,000 a day, we need all the boosters we can get.

 

1. [Umm, yes, up to a point. You also implied that they would be trounced. I believe this is what is called hedging one's bets: Ed]

Sporting Mayhem

 There was destruction a-plenty in major sporting events yesterday. At the Tour de France a series of crashes throughout the day transformed what should have been a straightforward bunch finish into a lottery. Geraint Thomas fell off early on and brought down Robert Gesink.  Thomas managed to ride away; Gesink abandoned. Later Primoz Roglic fell off and lost time to the GC leaders. During the sprint finish Caleb Ewan and Peter Sagan bumped wheels; Sagan rolled over with his bike firmly in his grasp but Ewan lay on the ground, just yards from the finish line, waiting for the peloton to pass before medical aid could reach him.

Those crashes followed the incident yesterday when a moronic spectator, more intent on waving a piece of cardboard for the cameras than watching the race, hit Tony Martin with it on a narrow section of road. Martin went over and some 40 riders piled over him, leaving bits of bike strewn across the road.

A different sort of destruction in the European Championships. Following the Netherlands lack-lustre performance yesterday, it was nearly Spain. Leading 3-1 against Croatia until a few minutes before full time, they let in two quick goals and were taken to extra time where they recovered. In the evening it was real for France. Uncannily their game with Switzerland went exactly the same way - Switzerland scored a shock early goal, France banged in three in the second half and were strolling and then the Swiss rallied to score twice at the end of normal time. But there the resemblance ended. No goals in extra time and the failure of France's fifth penalty-taker to do what the nine preceding strikers had achieved put the World Champions out.

Today England host Germany. The mood of the English supporters seems to be rather muted. There are few flags in evidence in the streets or in houses. Most comments are resigned to another disappointment. This writer has no such defeatist qualms. Of course we will triumph. Unless we don't.

Stone me - They've done it again

6 years ago I had the pleasure of recording that the football team I have been supporting since 1973 - Wealdstone - won their league and were promoted to the National League South (or League division 6 in old money).

This season they have been regularly playing the best football I have ever seen them play, have been top of the league since August and have the best record in terms of points per game of any team in the English game in the top 6 leagues. But the season was cruelly cut short by the covid-19 crisis and the resulting lockdown. It has been a long and at times agonising wait as the various authorities decided whether to end the season early or hope for a resumption and, once that decision was forced on them, how to end it. They might have declared it null and void, wiping out the Stones' fantastic achievements. They might have declined to make any promotions or relegations.

Tonight after much deliberation the league had a vote of its member clubs and adopted a resolution to  - well, here is the how the news was broken by Wealdstone's chairman Rory Fitzgerald

So, for the first time since 1989, the Stones will be playing just below the English Football League and will be facing teams across the country rather than just from the south. Heady days indeed.

Slowly Cooling

It was, indeed (as predicted previously), pretty damn warm yesterday. Very near the record here in beautiful Ruislip, and across much of Europe. Fortunately some thunderstorms during the small hours have helped lower temperatures this morning though it remains humid. Amazingly England and Ireland (yes, really) played a Test match at Lords, the Tour de France struggled on into the Alps and even my local non-league football team was out training. I don't know how they do it.

[later]
Extraordinary sporting day. In the Test, Ireland  had scuttled out England in their first innings for 85 then scored 207. A historic win looming? Nope. Yesterday England scored 303. A confident Irish commentator opined that Ireland would certainly get the 180 odd runs needed to win. This plan worked brilliantly until they began their innings at which they scored 38 in just 15 overs. That's 38 all out, not for the first wicket or because the match had to be abandoned. 38 all out.

Meanwhile, in the Alps, Egan Bernal made a brilliant attack on Col de Liseran to go into the virtual leadership over the wonderfully combative Julian Alaphillipe and then the race was stopped before the final climb because the mountain road was under several inches of snow. Yes, snow, I saw the live pictures including a bulldozer making valiant but futile efforts to sweep it away. (And there was a landslide across the road as well). As a result Bernal wins the stage and the yellow jersey without Alaphillipe having had the chance to recover time on the long descent.  So this unusual weather continues to wreak its effects.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Boris Becker

Dr. Commuter writes:   This is a sad case. Boris Becker, the teen-age golden boy of tennis back in the 1980s, has not enjoyed similar success with the management of his finances and has been contesting a bankruptcy petition in the English courts. Unusually, his defence had constituted a claim that he had diplomatic accreditation from the Central African Republic and hence immunity from the court action but he has now dropped the claim.

This is not the fighting spirit that won young Becker three Wimbledon titles. The CAR may be a strange refuge for a famous German but there are plenty of other countries to try. Why not declare yourself to be a ship and register in Panama? You can feel free to break any laws you like as you move effortlessly round the world, informing Customs and Coastguards that they can't touch you without creating a serious diplomatic incident. Of course the downside is having to live in a dock.

Or, if you feel you'd like to get chummy with an Australian, team up with wikileaker Julian Assange. I'm told there's plenty of room in the Ecuadorian embassy broom cupboard and you can spend many happy hours arguing about whether Goolagong would have whopped Graf and how to make bratwurst out of wallabies.

Leaving your clothes on a beach and turning up somewhere else in the world has worked for some but may be a bit overworked these days. Perhaps the tried and trusty Saunders defence is the answer - drool a bit, let your hair grow unkempt and forget everybody's name. The court is bound to accept that you have irreversible dementia and let you off. As soon as you are free you can carry on just as you were before and they can't lay a finger on you.

Anyway, whichever strategy you use, do keep in touch. If things turn out nasty here at Commuter Towers, I may be joining you in that cupboard.

-*-*-*-

If you have any questions for Dr.Commuter do please write to us at the usual address. Ambassadors are welcome as long as they bring an unfeasibly large tray of chocolates with them. Representatives from the Holy Roman Empire have left it too late, sorry. Terms and conditions will be waived upon receipt of a suitable emolument conveyed in a diplomatic bag.

There's a match on tonight ...

and my neighbours in nearby Westholme Gardens have been rather clever.

Whatever the result may be against Croatia, the England team have given a fine account of themselves and made many of us, despairing after so many years of under-performing, proud to support them once more.

Those World Cup Predictions - Further Clarification

Once again, it is sadly necessary to revisit the somewhat rash and pessimistic assumptions that underpinned the otherwise entirely factual and accurate suggestions made a few weeks ago, that, by this stage of the World Cup, the England football team would be back home with their duty frees and Mr G. Southgate would be dusting off his CV. This afternoon the team managed to see off Sweden in the quarter-finals and and will play Croatia in the semi-finals this Wednesday.

It is a long time since an England team have been in such a position and there is indeed a fair chance that further progression is possible. This column has no hesitation in saying that, should we manage to do this and then in the final score more goals than the opposition, then surely we will be the winners; if this should not be the case then it will be another team that is. This much is crystal clear and indisputable. We shall rest upon this position and shall not be moved.

Those World Cup Predictions - an Explanation

It has come to the attention of this column that certain prognostications concerning the progress of the England football team during the early stages of the World Cup may have been somewhat inaccurate, not to say downright wrong. This evening the team managed to do things that, frankly, we had begun to believe were beyond them, viz:

1. Win a quarter final
2. Win a penalty shootout

That they did so against one of the dirtiest teams (Colombia, who left with six yellow cards and were very lucky there were no reds) I have ever seen (and I recall the Italy of the 1980s) made it all the sweeter. That they had just two shots on target out of sixteen (according to the BBC, but the more generous Guardian made it five out of fifteen) makes it somewhat less sweet; indeed your correspondent had abandoned watching the match during the second half and relied on the noise from the neighbours for updates right through extra time and the penalty process.

It was possible to keep tabs from the feedback outside because so many were watching this outdoors on one of the hottest nights of the year. For the record, June and now early July have been amazingly warm and consistently dry, with temperatures in the high 20s most afternoons.  It has been the most prolonged period of glorious summer for many a long year, spoilt only by the sheer lack of at least some rain to keep the gardens growing and the grass green. There are hosepipe bans under discussion in Northern Ireland - nothing threatened here yet but a decent drenching would ease things.

Exclusive - England at the World Cup 2018

We brought you, several weeks before they happened, the highlights of England's magnificent run in the 2014 World Cup, in which the lads came oh-so-close to a place in the last 16. We covered, several days in advance, the fantastic, nay, incredible, performance at the Euros in 2016 when only the world-beating Icelanders were able to bring an end to our hopes of English hands on that trophy. And now, with the 2018 World Cup just days away, you don't need to waste your time watching or reading about it for, once again, we tell you everything you need to know about :-

England's Road to Glory
as told by our special correspondent¹

18 June Volgograd: England 0 Tunisia 4 The Executive stand newly refurbished for the match On a night of high drama in the seething vortex of hope that was the Rararasputin Stadium in Volgograd, England faced their first crucial game against no-hopers Tunisia. I missed the first few minutes of the game because there was some sort of mix up at the turnstiles A large gentleman wearing a raincoat with the collar turned up suggested I pay him 100 roubles for a "special VIP entrance"; I was a little disappointed to find that this amounted to him shoving me through a hole in a fence at the back of the terracing. "This is the massive one"  England manager G. Southgate had said at a fairly packed press briefing earlier "We're totally confident. It's hardly worthwhile even picking any substitutes" But that's where it all went horribly wrong. Cheered on by at least 30 passionate fez-wearing followers, Mustafa and Ali had no trouble dealing with Butland2 who remained haplessly rooted in the English goalmouth. The only consolation for the English fans was a two-for-one offer on time-expired Golubtsy burgers which led to an unexpected reunion for many of them in Volgograd Emergency Clinic a little later that night. Other match:  Panama 4 Belgium 4

24 June Nizhny Novgorod: England 0 Panama 5 Police struggled to hold back the enthusiastic England fans "This is the big one" said manager G. Southgate at a moderately attended press briefing earlier in the day "We've trained hard for this and we're ready". England made 11 changes for their crucial must-win match against the all-amateur, cigar-puffing Panamanians but found the going difficult in the searing crucible of desire that was the Gulags'R'Us arena. I did not see as much of the game as I would have liked because there was, apparently, some problem with my accreditation, according to the two policemen loitering in the street who then took me down a side alley in order to check my wallet for terrorist materials. After they confiscated a 200 rouble note ("for checking") they told me to "Go, you go quick" and assisted this process with a helpful push that, fortunately, propelled me through the crowd and, somewhat less fortunately, into (and I mean into) the muddy standing area behind the goal. Juan and Pepito easily ran rings round the static defence of Stones and Walker. A vast cheering crowd of at least 25 straw-hatted borriqueros made all the noise whilst the English fans consoled themselves with Old Borscht's Vodka, on special offer at the Djugashvili End for just two kopecks a litre (and stomach pumps afterwards). Other match: Tunisia 4 Belgium 4

28 June Kaliningrad:  England 0 Belgium 6 Huge crowds made a wall of noise behind the English goal in Kaliningrad It was a sober group of reporters who gathered in the Kaliningrad Wimpy bar on the afternoon of the final match in Group G. Sober because border police had confiscated all the duty-free drinks, internal security men had removed all smartphones and laptops ("in case any imperialist running dogs had planted material detrimental to the glorious people's struggle") and the Kaliningrad JolliGoodski Motel charged 35 roubles for a small tin of something called HeiniKan.  "These Belgian lads know a bit about chocolate, but we've got the pride, the guts, God, Harry and St. George behind us" manager G. Southgate stated confidently at a rather poorly attended press briefing.  England pulled out all the stops for their crucial, backs-against-the-wall, Dunkirk spirit, there'll always be an England-football-team, final group match at the blistering cauldron of emotion that was Kashaknishpiryogi Park. But despite making a further 14 changes and recalling Rooney, Charlton, Wright and Matthews, it was surely not England's night as Hergé and Poirot danced around a leaden front line of Sterling and Vardy to the delight of their 13 lace-flaunting supporters. At full time some English fans were on the pitch. They thought it was all over. The Spetznatz dropped a few barrel bombs. It was, then. Other match:  Tunisia 4 Panama 4 All three other teams in the group qualified on the grounds that they are not as crap as England. Mr G. Southgate, the acting England manager said afterwards to a deserted press briefing "I thought the lads done well. They had to play a full 90 minutes each time and getting the ball out of the back of the net so many times was a lot of extra work. The sun was in their eyes, their boots didn't fit too well and it wasn't fair that the other teams ran faster, passed the ball quicker and knew where our goal was. We would have won if only we had scored more goals than they did, it was that close. There's plenty of positives to take to the Euros in 2020. Our back passes were beautiful. Anyway, an English team is bound to win the FA Cup next year so we can be truly proud of our wonderful footballing heritage."

--o--o--o--o--o-- 1. No surprises. It's our very own Ed. 2. Insert name of whoever actually did play in goal. At time of writing could be anyone, really.