Sen. Cassius Unveils NewTriumphal Arch

 

 Cassius: "Hey, it's not quite as big as I thought"

 

Senator Cassius, Imperator and Pontifex Maximus of Rome, stunned onlookers at a gathering in the Temple of Jupiter yesterday by proclaiming his intention to knock it down and to replace it with a grand triumphal arch, writes our correspondent who is wondering if a life of servitude in the galleys would be a sensible career move.

Speaking to members of his Sycophant party, Sen. Cassius said "This is going to be the best arch in the world. It is entirely original and my own idea. Constantine, Trajan, Marble, that Gallic guy de Triomphe, they're all losers. All those other arches, whereever in the world they are, are just copies and I'm going to sue them all for stealing my design, which I own and what's more, it's mine"

Asked about the likely consequences of destroying the great and sacred temple of the ruler of the gods, Sen. Cassius said "I'm the most devout and religious man in the world, right, but that temple is occupying a prime piece of real estate, there's a deal to be done here with the priests of Jupiter and I'm the man to do it. They get five days to leave, and I, in the name of the people, take over the temple. There, everyone wins. Did I tell you that I invented this arch? Because I did and anyone who says otherwise is a traitor to Rome".

Senator Casca, in charge of the building of the arch, made a brief presentation. He said it would be named the Arch of Cassius, Saviour of Rome, in honour of the Senator's role in assisting J. Caesar to retire. He thought that others who aided in the transfer of power, such as himself, might also be named on the arch, perhaps somewhere round the back in very small letters. "I am not in any way envious" he said "I greatly admire my glorious leader. But, you know, it was my knife that he used on that fateful day and he still hasn't given it back, of course it is a great honour for me that he has kept it but actually it was a part of  a set and it would be nice if I could put it back in the box with the others, makes it complete, you know what I'm saying".

A special poem is to be written for the unveiling of the arch by Cinna the Poet. "He's not the best poet" admitted Casca "In fact he usually gets a lot of shtick for his bad verses but it seems all the real poets have fled to Parthia or Gaul so we'll have to make do. And he's cheap."
 

 

Sen. Cassius awarded Olympics Victor Ludorum Prize

In a suprising break with tradition, the organisers of the 2026 Olympic Games have awarded the coveted Victor Ludorum ("Winner of the Entire Games") award to Senator Cassius, Imperator of Rome, writes our correspondent hiding behind a pillar. The award was presented in a glittering ceremony yesterday in the Forum, even though the games are not due to be held until next summer.

Speaking to a specially selected audience of Praetorian Guards, the Chairman of the Olympic Committee said "There can be no doubt that Senator Cassius will win any event he chooses to enter. In fact, he will not be actually taking part but he has left me in no doubt that, if he wanted to, he could easily defeat any other competitor. Furthermore, we have been asked to consider moving the games to Italy, rather than taking place at Olympus in Greece as they have for the past three thousand years, because there are doubts about the security and in any case they all speak Greek there, which Senator Cassius does not speak, and he quite understandably said to me that how the hell could he know what they were saying about him when they all jabber away like that."

At this point one of the Guards was seen to whisper something to the Chairman whilst stroking the hilt of his sword. The Chairman drank some water, coughed a little and resumed

"As I was saying, the games will definitely take place in Rome, and any other cities in Italy that are pleasing to the gods, and Senator Cassius, as Pontifex Maximus, will of course inform me in due course of the gods' wishes.  In addition, all athletes from Greece, Macedonia, Parthia, Syria, Iberia, Dacia, Carthage (if it hasn't been destroyed by then), Gaul, Upper Rhine, Lower Rhine, Eqypt, and Britannia are disqualified for being foreign. The selection of the athletes to represent Rome and the Italian people will be made by Senator Cassius. The judging will be supervised by Senator Cassius and medals awarded to those who find favour in the sight of Senator Cassius. Long live Senator Cassius".

 In other news, Senator Cassius has been awarded the Golden Boot for the 2028 Football World Cup and declared as Man of the Series for the Ashes against the Huns (date to be arranged).

 

Thule is now Roman: Casca

Senator Casca, the close associate of Roman Imperator Senator Cassius, departed from Ostia this morning at the head of a fleet of galleys bound for Ultima Thule, writes our correspondent who just can't get the taste of garum out of his mouth. Speaking to a small crowd of dock workers and slaves, the Senator said he was going to wrest control of Thule from the Thulians and bring it under Roman control.  Pouring a libation to Neptune (and tasting most of it himself), he proclaimed that nothing could stop him. With banners flying, and to the triumphant sound of many trumpets, the fleet departed.

Two hours later the galleys returned and Senator Casca made a short address to a gathering of a few fish wives and donkey drivers. "We made excellent progress" he announced "but unfortunately nobody knows where Thule is, so we return to seek the guidance of the gods". He then sought out the leading importer of Greek wines for "important talks".

It is believed messengers rode swiftly to Rome and returned within the hour. People loitering outside the wine shop claim to have heard raised voices and the phrase "Cassius says get back out there or it will be your turn to get a dagger up the toga".

Shortly afterwards the Senator emerged on the dock, declared that Mars had shown him the way, drank several libations intended for Neptune and made his unsteady way up the gangplank to his flagship. The fleet then departed, under the Senator's comand of "Left hand down a bit" and a couple of bugle calls.

Towards the middle of the afternoon the galleys returned. Sen. Casca was assisted ashore on the arms of two Nubian slaves and stood weaving a little on an empty dockside (save for your correspondent) before proclaiming that Thule was conquered, Senator Cassius was now worshipped there as a god, and that he, Casca, was going to spend some private time on his estates. He then rode away to an unspecified destination.

Parthia: Not concerned about Thule

Reports from traders arriving from the East say that the Parthian authorities are "relaxed" about Rome's claim to Ultima Thule. Comments include "They can do what they want there", "Hopefully they will all drown at the ocean's edge" and "We'll take Syria, let them have Thule, Britannia and any other waste land they like".

Cassius: Massive leak of entire war plans "Not a problem"

 Imperator Cassius has dealt swiftly with those accusing his administration of "incompetence beyond even the Batavians", following the disclosure that a complete set of scrolls containing the entire Roman order of battle, plans for the invasion of Parthia and conquest of China, as well as the occupation of Ultima Thule, were handed over to the Parthian ambassador two weeks ago writes our correspondent, who is still trying to find someone to launder his toga. Senator Cassius, speaking in the Senate yesterday said "I don't know what the fuss is about. Those Parthians can't even read. They won't have the faintest idea what to do with the scrolls. Sure, there are details about how the XIV Legio will march east from Aleppo whilst the XII Legio with auxiliaries strike north up from Damascus but the gods will surely protect our troops who even now are assuredly scattering the enemy and laying waste their cities".

Asked if this meant Rome was now at war with Parthia, the Imperator said "I am dedicated to peace and will never break a treaty sworn solemnly before Jupiter. Those troops are simply there for our security and to prevent Parthians from illegally crossing the border".

Questioned by Senator Cicero as to how Parthians could illegally cross a border when Rome and Parthia did not in fact have a common border, the Imperator took some time to consult with a scribe, then accused the Senator of being a "bottom-dwelling scum of a journalist" and refused to answer further questions. 

---------Breaking News---------

According to sailors newly arrived from Antioch, the XIV legio has been wiped out by an ambush on the Aleppo road, the XII legio is surrounded by an army that "came out of nowhere" and the auxiliaries have mysteriously all resigned and gone back to being farmers. 

The Gospel According To Donald

 3.8... and as they were walking, Jesus pointed to a family of Moabites, dressed in rags and struggling to cross the river and he said "Observest thou these refugees. They have nought but the clothes on their backs and are in sore need. Now, what shall we do in such a matter as this?" His disciples looked at one another. Simon Peter said "Shall we not succour them in their hour of great need?

3.9 And they all nodded and murmered to one another in approval of his words. But Jesus gently shook his head, saying " This is not the way. Gather ye stones, and stout staves, and send these illegal immigrants back from whence they came, for such losers have no place in my kingdom. And let there be erected a strong fence so that we may not encounter such again".
...

5.1 It came to pass that Jesus began preaching to the people of Shiloh, and a large crowd pressed upon him, eager to hear his teaching. And his disciples tried to push them back, that he might be heard by all.

5.2 Bartholomew and Thaddeus did stand close to him, to guard his person, lest any should seek to touch him. But Jesus said to them "Those of good family, who are well-dressed and hath shekels to shew, these shall you admit to my person. And those with naught to shew, these shall not be admitted, my father hath no time for them, they count for nothing, let them depart"
...

8.14 As they stood at the shores of the sea, so Jesus turned his eyes northwards and observed the mighty cedars that crowned the hills. And he said "Is that not the place where doth begin the ancient kingdom of Lebanon, which cleaves unto itself and holds clasped to its bosom much treasure?"
Simon the Zealot, seeing his purpose said "It is, Lord, and some hold it should belong to us, e'en though that they are friends and bound to us by many sworn oaths of alliance".

8.15 Jesus grasped his hand and said " You are right, my son, it is a matter of national security and we must strive to seize that land, whether they will it or no, and there will be bountiful rewards for those who bring this thing about". But James, son of Zebedee, frowned saying "This seemeth a betrayal of those who are friends with us, and should we do such a thing to gain for us gold?"

8.16. And Jesus sighed deeply, saying "Have you learned nothing in my presence that you do cling, as do the limpets of the sea, to old and abhorrent ideas?"
James, who was stubborn, said "Surely those who follow the pursuit of money and the sword will never attain the kingdom of heaven?". Jesus shook his head, saying in lowered tones to the others "There's always one, isn't there?"

Key Ally of Sen. Cassius in Foreign Policy Upset

From our correspondent in Rome who has just about got over the Saturnalia celebrations

Newly installed Imperator Senator Cassius' key supporter, the richest man in Rome, M. Croesus Muscus, has beome embroiled in the relationship with the province of Britannia. Muscus has hitherto promoted the claims of the tribal chief of the Reformatio, Faragactacus the Unruly, saying that he was divinely appointed to be a staunch ally of Rome and that he should be made King of the Britons without delay, even if that meant slaughtering the four fifths of the population who were against him. Muscus has let it be known in proclamations, mysteriously headed "10" that have been nailed up in the Forum, that he has the ear of Sen. Cassius in such matters. 

However, in fresh proclamations read out at the Temple of Venus, Muscus now says that Faragactacus is a foul traitor, in league with Parthia and a follower of barbaric practices such as beer-drinking. "I curse his name" it goes on "and call on upon all true-hearted Britons to choose as their leader, er, some other person as shall be acceptable to me the gods and whose identity will be vouchsafed in due course, probably"

It is not clear which of these views is currently held by Muscus or, indeed, by the Imperator who is said by soothsayers to be distracted with a plan to purchase Ultima Thule. Nobody knows why this matters or where Ultima Thule is to be found. 

The ambassador of the Britons was said to have rolled his eyes to the heavens, clutched despairingly at his beard and shaken his head when informed of the proclamations. Reminded by his advisors that he was in public, he turned his face away for a moment and then smiled, inscrutably.

Senator Cassius "Not Guilty" of Assassination, Court Rules

 The case brought against recently elected Imperator of Rome, Senator M. Bucinum Cassius by surviving members of the J. Caesar party has been thrown out by the senior magistrates, writes our correspondent with a free ticket to the Celebrate The End Of Tyranny Games.  It was alleged that Sen. Cassius and others had skulked around the Forum late at night with their togas over their heads, scrawled "Caesar must go" on the wall of the Forum of Pompey and had  been implicated in the death by violence of the last surviving member of the First Triumvirate. 

Witnesses spoke of Caesar going into the Senate House together with the accused, then going "Aaargh" a lot before gasping "Et tu, Brute" and expiring. They then reported that Senators Cassius, Brutus, Casca, Cinna, Cimber and others came out with blood on their togas and gave each high fives on the steps to the Senate.

The defence pointed out that nobody could possibly identify the assailants as all Senators looked exactly the same in the dark (white togas, bald heads etc), that it was hardly the fault of the defendants if Caesar had gouted blood all over them while they tried to come to his aid, that Caesar had thanked them all for their services, leaving his dear friend,and possibly illegitimate son, Brutus in the place of honour at the end and that they weren't there anyway, but were all visiting their aunts in Herculaneum at the time. It was suggested that the murder had been by a "sinister force", almost certainly organised by Parthia and there was no point in investigating any further because certain people in high places had insinuated that it would be very bad for the health of the investigators.

Speaking to supporters in the Forum after the decision of the court, Sen. Cassius said he bore "no ill-will whatsoever" to those who had brought the charges and that a prolonged stay in exile, possibly for at least 50 years, would undoubtedly be a just reward to any who survived leaving Rome. Cassius also suggested that any other criminal charges against him or his colleagues should be dropped, as should any charges that prosecutors might consider bringing in the future. 

"I am the Imperator" he said "And pretty damn close to being a god. In fact, I sense a sort of heavenly presence around me. Jupiter himself is on my side. So anyone who wants a thunderbolt up the arse knows exactly what to do."

Sen. Cassius declined to answer any further questions and mentioned that he had urgent Imperial business on the golf course at Baiae. 

Cinna - I am not Cinna

L. Cornelius Cinna has issued a proclamation that he is not Cinna the Poet, has never written poetry and has no interest in the arts of any sort. The proclamation contines that if he were ever to write verses, they would be a damn sight better than anything Cinna the Poet ever produced. They would rhyme for a start and not always begin with "There was a young virgin from Pisa".

Late sports results

Lions 14 Runaway slaves 0 (Lions go on to play the Christians in the semi-final)
Bears v Pack of dogs  1 -  21 (after extra time)
Gladiators 10 Other Gladiators 10 (replay Tuesday, if any of the wounded pull through in time)

Senator Cassius' New Administration Takes Shape

 From our correspondent newly arrived in Rome and trying to settle in at a one room, no water, flat on the Aventine hill

Having secured his election as Imperator of the Roman Republic, and with his toga freshly washed after the "unfortunate incident", Senator Cassius has begun the exacting task of finding the most upright, just and wise men to replace those who have vacated their offices due to being found with a dagger in the back. He has summoned the best augers to the Temple of Bacchus where, he said, the Gods spent most of their leisure time, and with the most conducive atmosphere for such a solemn proceedings.

According to an auger with whom I shared a tasty dormouse on a stick, the traditional procedure is for the applicant to pray devoutly, before an auger inspects the entrails of a freshly slaughtered goat to learn the Divine intent. However, Sen. Cassius chose a different method. He threw a chicken into the air and declared that it was the will of the Gods that his very good friend, (and not at all envious), P. S. Casca, should become chief magistrate. 

Some of the augers muttered about impiety but Sen. Cassius next threw a die, said that it showed number 4 and that meant that another very good friend and experienced back-stabber, M. Cimber, was destined to lead the Praetorian Guard. He commended both men to the Senate and announced he would continue revealing the blessed guidance of the gods in the coming days.

Those Election Results in Full

Sources: various, including some plebs who reckoned they knew, a muttering soothsayer, and a lady I met in a taberna who declared herself to be a Vestal Virgin but this was her night off.

Caesar, G.J.    (Slaughter the Gauls and make J. Caesar divine emperor party) - Unavailable due to ill-health and several unwanted daggers.

Brutus, M.J.  (Noble party)  Sulking in his tent

Antony, M.  (Full of eastern promise party)   Gone off with Cleopatra 

Lepidus, M.A. (Triumvirate party)  Too slight and unmerited

Cicero, Q.T.    (Independent) Talked too much

Cinna the Poet.  (Crap poetry party)  Still crap.

Cassius, M.B.  (Honourable party)  Acclaimed winner due to all other candidates' untimely death, retirement or mysterious relocation to the Cloaca Maxima.

Sen. Cassius Takes Over

News has reached us of important changes in the Republic of Rome. After a short, but bitter, election campaign involving many cloaks, some fairly sharp daggers and a considerable amount of speech-making,  Senator M. Bucinum Cassius has been acclaimed as Imperator and will now head up the Republic. The Senator was Consul some years back and his administration ended amid much confusion and contumely. However, with vigorous support from many plebs disillusioned with the current administration, he was able to present himself as the only man who could save Rome from the chaos that he had so carefully nutured in the interim.

Speaking to a rally of supporters in the Forum, Cassius is reported to have said

"This is where we start making Rome great again. We're gonna bring back total freedom and liberty. Top of the agenda - more slavery. Slaves mean more production and more production means more money, right? Next, anyone who bad-mouthed us during the assass, er, election, can expect a visit from my lictors, you know, the big guys with the axes. Now I'm totally for the constitution and the guarantee of impartial justice from our magistrates, so I'll be replacing most of them with guys who understand just what impartial really means..." 

It is believed that at this point one of the Senator's aides whispered a few words and Sen. Cassius continued "Well, anyway, I'll be replacing them. Period."
 

Turning to foreign policy the Senator is understood to have focussed on the threat from Carthage. "We're gonna put big tariffs on imports and boost home-grown farming and manufactures. And if they don't like it, then ..."

Another aide is said to have mentioned something and the Senator resumed "As I was saying, if the Carthagians try to start doing imports into Rome, then we'll hit them with tariffs from here all the way to Carthage City."

The Senator then introduced his key backer, the richest man in the Empire, M. Croesus Muscus. "This is a truly great man. He's going to build a fleet of huge ships, sail them way out beyond the Pillars of Hercules and find new lands. And when we find them, we're gonna introduce them to the way of Roman civilisation, and if that means slaughtering most of them and enslaving the survivors while our men loot everything they can carry and burn the rest, hell, you gotta expect a bit of adjustment when you join the worlds greatest nation. Am I right?"

Those watching applauded, but Cassius seemed unimpressed. At his signal the Praetorian Guard touched their hands to the scabbards of their swords, and the Senator put the question again. This time there was no doubt about the fervour and sincerity of the crowd. 

We shall continue to follow the career of Senator Cassius and may consider sending a special correspondent to cover the story on the spot. By good fortune, there happens to be one available.

The Blight of the Lawyer

 I reproduce a news story in the Daily Telegraph that is sparking so many ideas in my head I can barely sit still - see if you concur

This story is all too familiar in these days of unrestrained global capitalism. A big firm threatens to sue a tiny one for a breach of copyright, knowing that the costs of even a small court action will be disproportionately large for the defendant and therefore seeking to intimidate heedless of the justice of their claim. In this case the big firm, Campari, has a brand called Skyy Vodka. The little firm, owned by Steve White, is a microbrewery selling Dark Sky beer. Campari market their drinks around the world. Dark Sky beer is only available in a handful of pubs in the north of England. 

Campari's lawyers argued that, and please put down any hot drinks before reading on, you don't want to splatter it all over your clothes, "consumers might get confused between its vodka and Mr White's beers". Yes, indeed, easy to mix the two up. Here they are, side by side.

Skyy vodka            Dark Sky beer

I suppose these lawyers are reasonably intelligent and are only acting on instructions. Nonetheless, they could have told their aggressive client that they were just being bloody stupid. No, they took their fees and went to court and to his great credit Mr White refused to be bullied, fought his case and won.

I am inevitably reminded of another lying lawyer, convicted felon ex-President Trump's friend Rudy Giuliani and somehow, given that Skyy Vodka's base is the US, it does seem that we are destined to have another eavesdrop on the American legal system.

Scene: a courtroom in California. US flags, policemen wearing sunglasses, palm trees waving gently outside in the breeze from the Pacific.

Clerk: Yo there, dudes, show some respect and give it up for his honor, Judge D. Crockett
Crockett: Sure is hanging looser here than in my previous courtrooms. Okay, okay, let's all get mellow and see if we can't finish up here before the surf gets up. This is some sort of brand copyright issue, am I right?
Hamilton Burger: Your honor, as usual I represent the plaintiff, in this case the Skyy Vodka corporation of this very state, and my colleague Mr Mason is appearing for the defendants from England, some two-bit moonshiners who aren't even American.
Crockett: Looks pretty bad for you Mr Mason, even before the get-go, whatever that is.
Mason: Your honor, I shall be vigorously contesting this case and I reserve the right to call at least four surprise witnesses at the last minute, as usual.
Burger: Damn.
Crockett: Proceed, Mr Burger.
Burger: I show the court this bottle of my client's vodka, and this bottle of beer from England. It is our contention that the beer has stolen my client's brand name and appearance and it is impossible to tell the difference. Anyone going into a bar anywhere in the world wishing to drink my client's excellent white spirit short drink and having forgotten what it is called, will inevitably see this beer and order it instead. Or if they are aware of the name of Skyy Vodka and wish to order it, will find their tongue twisting to say "Dark Sky beer" instead, everyone knows this happens all the time and my clients are losing literally billions. Every day. At least, I think they are. I mean, aren't they? They told me they were, or might be, or something. Billions. If not more.
Crockett: Mr Mason?
Mason: Your honour, the plaintiff makes a very strong case. I can see that, using the same argument as my distinguished and honorable friend, that anyone wishing to watch Sky TV might well find themselves downing a few shots of vodka instead, having confused the two. Indeed, I have referred this matter to the legal advisors for Sky and they tell me they are going to sue Skyy Vodka for, consults paper at least forty-eight squillion dollars, plus costs, for stealing their name but they are not concerned about Dark Sky beer because, in their words, only a drooling moron could confuse TV and beer or indeed beer and vodka.
Burger: Oh, shi...Your honor, may I have a recess to consult with my clients?
Crockett: Take as long as you like, young feller. Mr Mason, Let's have a beer at the bar, I hear they got a new one called Skyy.

The Weasel Chickens Out

Fox News, an American broadcaster whose very name contains a lie, has been successfully sued for defamation over its false claims that the 2020 US election was rigged. The owner and executive chairman is the same nasty, money-crazed reactionary outed in these columns more than once, a Mr R Murdoch. There was a well-known comic in the early days of BBC Radio called Richard "Stinker" Murdoch, who is no relation but whose nickname could surely be applied, without the quote marks, to his modern day namesake.

Fox, under the directions of Stinker, knowingly broadcast inflammatory claims that led directly to the battle of Congress and the deaths of several people. Murdoch was due to testify in the lawsuit. At the expense of yielding to the suit, and at a cost of nearly $800m, he was able to avoid taking the oath and facing questions about why he has plotted high treason against his adopted country.

I have given up hoping that Murdoch would either be dumped by his partners and shareholders, or be removed with extreme prejudice by some agency dedicated to justice, but let us at least rejoice in the diminution of his fortune.

Are THEY watching?

 Two weeks ago we had a few days of extremely hot weather (hot by UK standards, you understand). It came without any build-up, following a delightful week of really pleasant sunshine, a week in which, by pure coincidence, Mrs. C and I enjoyed a holiday for the first time in 18 months. But the heat did not simply fade into a typical summer, or vanish amidst thunderstorms (although there was a fair bit of rain). It was replaced by a cold snap so virulent that we, and other people of our generation, were seriously considering putting on the central heating. In June!

I am pleased to say things have now settled down to a normal British summer but at the back of my mind is one disquieting fact. The US government  is about to publish a definitive report on the existence of UFOs.

Nobody denies that unidentified flying objects exist. One of them hurtled past my ears only the other evening before disappearing mysteriously somewhere near the net curtains [Could it have been a fly? Ed]. What excites the loonies of this world is the idea that some must be alien spacecraft and that the US government knows all about them and is, perhaps, in contact with them.  Naturally, the aliens possess technologies so far in advance of our own that they can be thought capable of anything. Flying across light-years of space - no problem. Whizzing round our world undetected pretty well all of the time - a snap. Being able to land, abduct Americans, investigate their anatomies intimately and then return them without anybody else ever seeing - happens all the time.

And now we come to the crux. The aliens, who monitor all our of media closely (and I hope they find EastEnders of particular use when analysing the psychology of people who glower a lot and keep getting barred from pubs) will know all about the forthcoming report. They have kept their existence, not exactly secret, but deeply obscured, for at least 75 years.

Some suggest there is much earlier evidence, if the account in Second Kings is given credence -

 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.

What do the aliens want? Presumably to go on probing the digestive systems of Americans and zooming around the skies in order to baffle airline pilots. They obviously derive enormous satisfaction from this and are credited with absolutely nothing else.  Would these activities be harmed by the truth being disclosed to those of us not already privy to it? Is this, in fact, why the weather has been so screwy? Are they sending us an awful warning?

Detailed, robust and painstaking research conducted here at Ramblings has established the following scenarios that pertain.

• The aliens do not want any more information about them to be released. The heat and the cold show what they can do if they are offered further provocations.
• The aliens want the information to be released. The heat and the cold are a warning that full disclosure must be made.
• The aliens want the information to be disclosed but are not happy at the thought of all the loonies going "I told you so" because, in a way, this undermines the total secrecy of the aliens' activities and make them look rather stupid. The heat and the cold are there to ensure governments round the world suppress all dissent but, so far, only the Chinese have followed them to the letter.
• The aliens don't know what they want and are having a furious debate about it with their overlords back on Tharg. As all messages can only travel at the speed of light, and Tharg is 24 light-years away, they are still waiting for a reply from a message sent in 1974 asking if they should exterminate the Bay City Rollers as a threat to the wholesomeness of the younger and more impressionable of their crew. The heat and the cold are a message to their mother ships anchored in orbit somewhere beyond Pluto and mean "Well? Yes or no? Get on with it, five-eyes!"
• The aliens really like sharp changes in temperature, such a refreshing contrast to the constant -139c temperature on their flying saucers. After a long day's medical review of the intestines of Americans, they like nothing better than to land on a deserted beach, take in the sun for a while and then don fluffy cardigans as the mercury plummets. They are worried that these activities may have to be curtailed when the report is published and so are getting in a final burst of basking and shivering before it all has to end.

We will soon know what the US government wants us to know. It doesn't really matter what they publish because the true believers in UFOs as evidence of alien spacemen will allege that the REAL facts are being covered up. And the strange contrasts in our weather will continue.

-*-*-*-*-

Readers! Do you have any stories of alien abductions in which things were inserted into parts of your body that, quite frankly, made you feel rather squeamish? Have flying saucers buzzed you while little green men leant out of the windows thumbing their noses or sticking tentacles down their outer proboscis or whatever it is that aliens do when they can go faster than you? Do you know the GRISLY TRUTH about what is REALLY going on and if so, do you dare to disclose it?

Please send in your contributions to the usual address and, provided you don't mind having thousand of goggling Thargians watching as your innermost secrets are probed with a, er, probe, you could win a holiday for two on a flying saucer. Just remember to bring your thermals!

Terms and conditions apply but as they have to be approved by the Thargian government it will take 48 years before we can let you know what they are. 

 

A Fitting Legacy

 I met a traveller from the New World,
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand near a long abandoned golf course. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And sneering lip, and bulging cheeks
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
that filled and corrupted his subject's mind.
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
'I am the greatest President
My reign shall last 1000 years and my name be for ever remembered!'
But no name is there inscribed and none can say
Who this puffed and bloated boaster was.
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The bunkers and the ruined greens stretch far away.”

With thanks to Percy Bysshe Shelley, author of 'Ozymandias'

Signs of madness

Rather telling juxtaposition of two entirely different stories on the CNN website this evening. 

Accident? Or was it intended? Maybe we shall never know.

The Lies and the Lawyer

 The attempts of ex-President Trump to retain power in the US continue to boggle our minds. He not only lost the election but now appears to be losing his sanity as he pursues the chimera of overturning the vote by making claims of fraud. Not only that, he appears to have retained the services of the world's most ineffective lawyer, Rudy Giuliani, AKA the Melting Man, who has supervised more than 40 separate challenges to the votes in various swing states and lost them all. Even if he had won some, the recounts would do nothing to change the outcome.

The latest setback was in Pennsylvania where the words of the judge (deliciously, a Trump appointee) have been recorded thus:

“Free, fair elections are the lifeblood of our democracy. Charges of unfairness are serious. But calling an election unfair does not make it so. Charges require specific allegations and then proof. We have neither here,” Judge Stephanos Bibas wrote for the three-judge panel. The Guardian

 But how did the judge and his colleagues reach their verdict and how did it play out in the other states where similar cases have been brought? Let us return to that courtroom that has been the battleground of so many classic legal cases in the past, the Case of the Rude Waiter and the Case of the Assault by Infant being two of my favourites.

Scene: A courtroom somewhere in a swing state. Huge flag in the corner, impassive gum-chewing marshals, excited crowd, you know the drill by now.

Clerk: All rise for his honor Judge D. Crockett. 
Crockett: Alright, be seated. Now then, I believe that, once again, we are to hear a suit brought on behalf of the Republican Party about the recent Presidential election, even though all the others have been thrown for being too silly. Who's leading on this one?
Giuliani: Your honor, I wish...
Crockett: Oh, you again.
Giuliani: Yes
Crockett: Back again. With the same shtick as last time?
Giuliani: Er, may it please the court...
Crockett: At least you cleaned off that hair dye. Don't want that getting on my suit, thank you very much!
Giuliani: If it please the court, I appear for the appellants and my distinguished colleague, Mr Mason, for the defence.
Crockett: State your case, if you must, Mr Giuliani.
Giuliani: We allege massive fraud and conspiracy to subvert the election in favour of Mr Biden. sits down, beams at his assistant, and nods confidently to the reporters.
Crockett: Is that it?
Giuliani: reluctantly rising Er...what do you mean?
Crockett: Are you not going to call witnesses, supply us with affidavits and evidence of this major crime against American democracy?
Giuliani: Oh shit, do I have to?
Mason: rising Your honor, I move that the case be dismissed.
Giuliani: Oh, hell, come on now fellows, hear me out. I mean, there must have been fraud, our boy was a dead cert, he told everyone he was going to win, stands to reason he must have won really. I submit that it was totally unfair, loads more people voted for Biden, how the hell can my man expect to win if more people vote for someone else? And the sun was in our eyes and they were bigger than us and we were all a bit tired and I had lots of evidence, honest, I was up all night forging  compiling it, but the dog ate it and it got wet and the wind blew it away and I lost my satchel on the way here and now I've got a headache and my hair feels all sticky from that awful cheap dye and IT'S NOT FAIR!
Crockett: Mr Mason?
Mason: That sounds utterly convincing to me, your honor. I simply hadn't realised the strength of the arguments for the appellants. I withdraw my defence of this case and suggest that the entire US election be called in favour of Mr Trump forthwith.
Crockett: Well, if you're sure about that Mr Mason...
Mason: Just joshing, kids. April Fool!
Crockett: That's more like it. Case dismissed.

Footnote - Dec 2nd
US attorney-general Barr, hitherto a staunch ally of Trump, announced that the Justice Department had found no evidence of any fraud in the election. Mr Giuliani instantly replied that the A-G did not have the evidence that he (Melting Man) had. Mr G did not say what the evidence actually was, nor did he explain why he had not handed it over to the FBI or indeed to Mr Barr. Or to anyone competent to investigate. Should his "case" ever reach the Supreme Court and be rejected, he will presumably appeal to God and even then it seems pretty damn certain he won't have any actual evidence. But that won't stop him denouncing God as an asshole.

US Voter Fraud - We Have The Facts!

I was delighted to read that some obscure politician in Texas was offering cash rewards for anyone coming forward with evidence of voter fraud in the recent Presidential election.

 

Source: The Guardian

 Bearing in mind these people believe anything, provided they have read it on Facebook or Twitter, it has incentivised me to direct my staff to make up report anything that they can imagine find out and thus top up the Ramblings Let's-Make-This-The-Best-Christmas-Ever fund.

Unfortunately, due to a mix-up between my own, well-respected, blog and the blog maintained by this unpleasant American, Ravings of a Rabid Republican, some of the "proofs" from his correspondents have mistakenly found their way into my inbox. I shall of course forward them on but here are a few just to give you a flavour of what he can expect.

----------------------------

From: M. Mouse, Wacky, TX

Sir, I saw with my own eyes two black persons of colour posting votes in a real genuine US Postal Service mailbox and I think they might have been voting for the Dems. Please send me as much money as you can spare. God bless you.

-----------------------------

From: The Very Rev Jeb Delirious III, Carbuncle, TX 

Sir, The Good Lord has commanded me in a vision to impart to you his glorious message of hope which is that the immediate transfer of cash to my church will surely save your immortal soul Amen

----------------------------

From: The Even-Realer Donald Trump, Hicksville, TX

Sir, I know the real facts about the fraud and the conspiracy but THEY are watching me the FBI and the Pope are behind it, plus the Jews and the Mexicans and that Canadian with the French name, I never trusted him, also my neighbour is one of THEM he don't wear a cowboy hat indoors and what kind of man does that, I'll tell you, a COMMIE that's who and make sure you burn this email or THEY will get you too, they listen through the telephone wires so rip them out and don't trust NO-ONE (apart from me, obviously, you can trust me sure enough, yes sirree.....

------------------------------

From: deloriscolquitt6864@gmail.com*

Sir, I am head of postal service in [insert name of town here] and on the night of [insert date] I witnessed goings on the like of which I never done seen before. Click link to enter your bank details and other personal information.

------------------------------

From:Washington.86@mediamagician.co.za *

Sir, Send the money in used $10 and forward this email to 10 others and within a year GOOD FORTUNE will be yours, plus special offer: -  two, yes two matching bracelets in real genuine plastic, offer must end Tuesday, hurry now while stocks last.

----------------------------------

From: Agent Kropotkin, Moscow (in Russia, not the little township outside Dallas)

Comrade! Our plan to destabilize the US political system is working well. Meet me behind the dustbins at Joe's Diner on 14th St at midnight for your next set of instructions

 

* - I knew I'd hear from these guys again, one day

 

Khan: I won, I really did, really and truly

from our correspondent in Karakorum, who has finally summoned up the courage to go back. 

 The gathering of the conclave of tribal leaders for the Mongolian people has produced a surprising rejection of President Genghis Khan by the unprecedented result of 698-0. The conclave, held in secrecy in a remote desert oasis, was expected to have thoroughly endorsed the incumbent on the grounds that failure so to do would render the families, friends and camels of the chiefs extinct. It is thought that the President was distracted by the promises of Chinese Emperor Bing to "look after him", was spending a little too much time in his various stately pleasure domes and had assumed that Vice-President Groat was keeping an eye on the chiefs.

The president has carefully considered the voting pattern revealed by the conclave and made the following remarks in the market place:

"I am delighted that the glorious Mongolian people have once more put their trust in me and I resolve to continue my brilliant and totally successful policies of slaughtering everyone, building a wall to keep out the Chinese, knocking down the wall so we can invade China, rebuilding it to ensure a fat contract to my son-in-law and declaring war on the Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Animists and followers of Great Cthulhu plus the Christians if my Horde manages to get further west on the next expedition than the last one, which was a glorious success by the way and anyone who says they got wiped out by the Mamelukes will be strung up by the mamelukes, if you take my drift.

"I won this conclave fair and square, once you count the legal votes. Any vote against me is illegal and part of a conspiracy. The soothsayers told me I would win so how the hell could I be losing? Which I am not, I'm winning everything 110% because I'm so popular and those votes must be completely rigged and fake but anyway once we have a recount I know I'm gonna win big time, not that I didn't win big time the first time, I did, but next time I'm gonna win even bigger time.

"I've left a fantastic legacy, not that I'm about to leave office, but let me make it clear for the record books that we've razed cities and wiped out villages from here to Kiev, wherever in hell that is, and I've built more stately pleasure domes than anyone else in history, whatever that is.

"I wanna thank all those enlightened and progressive world leaders who have been my close friends during my presidency - Voivoide Vlad Dracula of Transylvania, King John of England, Ivan the Terrible of Muscovy and those fun-loving heart-rippers from the Aztec Empire. I think we can all learn a lot from them - I sure have.

"Now I want to outline some more of my plans for the next thirty years of my reign ...."

At this point, the audience, two goat-herders and a beggar, were seen to drift away toward the Water Gate and the president found himself addressing a camel, the contents of a dung-barrow and myself. As he still retained his razor-sharp scimitar and seemed to be fondling it lovingly, I recalled an urgent appointment with a seller of fermented yak butter and was forced to leave.

The Chinese ambassador was believed to have smiled inscrutably when informed of these events.

The Editor writes: This really should be the end of our long running series about the Scourge of the West. It all began four years ago with this piece and you can follow the series by selecting posts with the tag 'USA'

Khan: I Want China Shock

The news that Mongolian President Genghis Khan has offered to buy China was circulating amongst the water-sellers near the Dung Gate in Karakorum last night writes our special correspondent who is wearing one of those hoods that conceals your face. According to rumour, Khan was dining with a few clan chiefs when he got a glazed look in his eyes, stood up and proclaimed "You know, China is lot bigger and richer than Mongolia and it's got a hell of a lot more women. Let's buy it." Since nobody was inclined to disagree (and the presence of scimitar-brandishing guards was entirely coincidental) the policy was instantly adopted.

Khan's spokesman is then believed to have saddled up the Presidential camel and ridden south to begin negotiations with Chinese Emperor Bing. It is unclear how the talks went, but the arrival back in Karakorum of the advisor's hands, followed some hours later by his feet and eventually most of the rest of him, appeared to signal that the Chinese wished to decline the offer. President Khan heard the news with his usual equanimity and judgement before declaring thoughtfully "If those bastards won't sell then I'm cancelling the state visit. See how they like them apples".  After some hemming and hawing and clearing of throats, his advisors pointed out that no state visit to China was planned. Khan reportedly suggested that a visit be scheduled at once and demanded to see the Chinese ambassador. Informed that the ambassador was on leave in Beijing for health reasons and had been ever since his first meeting with Khan some two years earlier,  Khan announced that it was time to make them an offer they couldn't refuse.

Speculation is now rife that the "offer" may comprise one or more elements of the following:

• A straight swap of China's vast Sinkiang province for the bit of swamp just outside the East Karakorum sewer outfall.
• Bing to have use of a surplus stately pleasure dome in exchange for five boxes of fortune cookies a month.
• Chinese to share secrets of silk manufacture in exchange for Mongolian expertise in tying enemies to camels and whipping them over cliffs.
• A joint expedition to conquer Japan. Chinese fears based on previous nautical disasters were dismissed by Khan saying "Once they get a whiff of my Divine Wind they'll be running".
• A joint expedition to conquer the Mughal Empire, Muscovy, Aragon, the Serene Republic of Venice and the Duchy of Cornwall under the slogan "Kill all Foreign Devils" "Uniting the World in Peace and Friendship" 

When informed about these developments, Emperor Bing is said to have smiled inscrutably.

Khan: It's me or else

From our correspondent lurking around the bazaars in Karakorum in the hope of not being seen

President Genghis Khan of the Mongolian Republic formally opened his campaign for re-election last night at a gathering of clans near his pleasure dome at Xanadu. Although the president does not, strictly speaking, have to go through the process, since anyone declaring themselves a candidate is automatically classified as a Chinese-loving foreign devil in league with the sinister western powers of the Holy Roman Empire and the Aztecs, and hence disqualified under the Head Chopped Off By Scimitar Act, nevertheless he likes to keep up what he calls the "quaint traditions of the morons who voted for me".

The President began his address by tossing the freshly severed head of an opponent into the arena with the exultant yell "There's more where that came from". He followed it up with a blistering attack on the Pope, the Shogun of Kobe, the priests of Angor Wat who refused to let him knock down the temple for a new camel-racing track and anyone capable of reading or writing on the grounds that sooner or later they would write something about him that he didn't like.

Under the slogan of Let's Make Mongolia Greater By Destroying Everyone Else, Khan led his tribesmen in the chanting of "What do we want? A Horde" "What colour shall it be? Golden" before announcing that the result of the first opinion poll was:

       G. Khan (Progressive All-Mongolian People's Slaughter 'Em All Party) - 100%
       Everyone else - 0%.

He said that despite the encouraging results, he was not complacent and still needed campaign funds. The basis of donation was simple, he went on, everything you own plus what you can steal from your neighbours. These funds were needed not only to counter the lies of everyone else in the entire world who seemed to think he was no more than a blustering lying tyrant but to build another ten stately pleasure domes, one for each wife, as well as the long-awaited Great Wall of Mongolia to keep out the Chinese.

When an advisor pointed out that the Chinese already had a Great Wall of their own to keep out the Mongols, Khan was not ruffled. Playfully severing both of the hapless official's arms, he joked "I wanna build another wall on top of the first two and then put a few pleasure domes on top of that. That's what the Mongolian Hordes want. Or, if it isn't now, it damn well will be once I've shown them what the alternative will mean for their families. "

Khan: Prince John's son would make an excellent king

President Genghis Khan, the leader of the Mongolian States, has intervened in English domestic politics ahead of his controversial state visit to London. writes our correspondent (who had been found hiding in his cellar in Genoa and was shipped back in a galley to complete his posting in Karakorum). Khan, who we last covered in these columns a while back, was quoted as saying "This John is really an excellent leader, his skills at diplomacy, his popularity amongst the nobility, his passion for justice and fair treatment of the peasants all make him the sort of man I can do business with. And when the time comes for him to leave office, say with a few arrows in his back or being drowned in the Wash or having a surfeit of lamphreys, then I'm sure his son, John's son, will also be a fine leader who will do everything my son Kublai tells him will work harmoniously with my successor to glorify the Mongol empire to strive for world peace.  See what I'm saying here, feller? No? You want to go to on seeing or would you like to beg for alms at the Dung Gate for the rest of your life? Hey, now you're getting it"

Whilst in England the president is expected to enjoy his favourite sport of playing golf with the heads of anyone he has fallen out with as well as a state visit to Wales to burn a few Welshmen. Suggestions that England become a vassal state of the Mongol Empire have been played down, Khan merely observing that "If we need somewhere to sell our chlorine-washed camels then I think we all know who's gonna be buying them, know what I mean?".

Asked about the former ruler of England, King Richard, who has been struggling to hold onto power for several years, Khan said "I hear he's still in jail somewhere in Europe. Best place for him. I told him to come to my summer palace at Xanadu to kiss my feet in total submission and the bastard refused. Now, I never hold a grudge, I have total respect for my fellow rulers but let me just say this: if he wants to be ransomed then there ain't gonna be a whole lot of cash coming down the Silk Road to bail him out, no sirree"