Dr Commuter Recommends ... Wasp Therapy

 

Dr Commuter writes: All living beings experience anxiety. Sometimes these fears are well-founded, sometimes the concerns are irrational and can be greatly reduced by the right treatment. Take the case widely reported in the media yesterday. A swarm of wasps, terrified by their inability to control a simple two-wheeled vehicle,  vented their innate anger on an innocent man who, sadly for him, was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Of course, wasps are not known for their biking exploits; indeed, some can barely manage a bicycle or even a child's scooter. This may result in inferiority complexes, which can be managed with a suitable course of therapy and drugs. At first the wasps will sulk, unwilling to communicate and beating their heads against windows. Gradually they calm down, accepting spoonfuls of jam whilst a non-threatening vehicle such as a skateboard is introduced. Soon the bolder wasps will try riding the skateboard and this example encourages the rest. They begin to gain confidence and this in turn reduces their fear and the resulting outbreaks of violence. Of course, they will never master how to change gear or indicate a right turn on a motorbike, but they will no longer exhibit a psychotic reaction when they see a human doing so.

Wasps are just one species that can benefit from psychotherapy. Ants suffer depression when confronted with pedestrian controls for traffic lights; millipedes are scared by pogo sticks; spiders are morbidly attracted to drainpipes. It does not help when unthinking children laugh at them, or hit them with sticks. We should always encourage insects to stretch their abilities, not deflate their egos and compound the trauma.

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 Supporting these unhappy creatures is vitally important work. You can help. Send whatever you can to the Dr Commuter Clinic For Our Six-legged Friends. Your donation will enable important, on-going research to continue, in particular our studies of whether grasshoppers develop schizophrenia when a researcher samples single-malt whisky and why stag beetles are unable to cope with 9 course tasting menus at 3 star Michelin restaurants. Future projects (given sufficient funding) will consider anxiety in roaches on the French riviera and the best ocean cruises for ladybirds to relax on.  

Dr Commuter Helps Out ... Biscuit Lovers Everywhere

 Dr. Commuter writes:

Millions of people suffer from a debilitating, mysterious and taboo affliction. Spoken of in hushed tones, if at all, and regarded by some as simply too horrible to contemplate, it has blighted the lives of generations. To many it is just "The Big B". Today I shall speak out openly about it and thereby put the minds of many of my fellow citizens at rest.  My subject is biscuits and how to eat them.

What are biscuits?
Forget the stories you heard in the pub or down the shops. Biscuits are normal, they are acceptable under most circumstances and - they are man-made. They are not sent to us through a miraculous process of divine intervention, as some religions continue to teach. We make them and we can control them. Never lose sight of this essential truth.
When should we eat them?
A biscuit - although perhaps we should use the plural as two or more at onc time is the norm - may be eaten at any time. Best with an appropriate hot - or even cold - drink, as a snack or at the end of a more substantial meal, at a time of your choosing. You are in charge here. You must not be intimidated by the effort involved in opening a new packet - specialist tools such as scissors are available if need be - nor the prospect of crumbs. These may be readily controlled by using what we doctors call "plates".
Are combinations acceptable?
Yes, you may mix and match. A bourbon and a custard-cream - a jammy dodger and a cookie - a ginger nut and a pink flakey sandwich thing - there are no harmful combinations.
How should I eat my biscuit?
This is the heart of our topic today. How many of us have contemplated a quick garibaldi or a fig roll with a cup of coffee and then shrank back in horror, thinking "How on earth do I actually consume this?". My friends, courage must be your watchword.
Take your biscuit in one hand and examine it. Remove any wrapper. No matter how tempting the shiny outer layer may look, it must not, repeat not, be eaten. Strip it away and bin it. Now, with the naked biscuit held close to your mouth, hold it correctly (see below) and take a bite. Chew and swallow. Repeat until the biscuit is consumed, using your drink to lubricate as required. When all is gone you may sit back, permit yourself a smile of satisfaction and consider enjoying another.
The Correct Way
The Commuter way is the correct way. Hold your biscuit (and I cannot stress this enough) horizontally to the ground. Do not hold it vertically (by which I mean that the longest side is at 90⁰ to the ground). In the case of a round biscuit, the disc of the biscuit should be horizontal to the ground and the edge should be vertical. You will find this technique, well known to the ancient Coachahuatual people of Central America, matches the natural dimensions of the biscuit to those of your mouth which is also horizontal with respect to the ground. (If you are holding your head at a silly angle merely to disprove my argument, then I am not interested).
The Two Sided Biscuit
Of course, some biscuits are round and present us with two faces, much as a coin has its obverse and reverse sides. When the biscuit is essentially homogenous - such as a plain digestive - then it matters little which face is uppermost. But when the biscuit is composite, as in the case of the chocolate digestive featured at the head of this column, then you may become confused by the choice. Chocolate side up or down? Wars have been started over more trivial issues. But I am here to cut through the obfuscations and the political agendas. My friends, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Eat it howsoever you wish. Once in your mouth all will be made as one in any case. Scientific studies conducted over many years in the Commuter household have shown conclusively that the enjoyment of the biscuit does not vary with the way that it is held, provided that the Commuter way (as outlined above) is adhered to.
The Dunking problem
This is not the place to investigate a different and far more difficult matter - the best way to dunk a biscuit in hot tea or coffee, especially when a two-sided biscuit is being used. Important studies, such as that carried out for the CBBC channel, have suggested the best type of biscuit for dunking, but have merely scratched the surface as to the best method to dunk. This may be the subject of a later dissertation in these columns.

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If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter, please write to the usual address. Terms and conditions apply to all material published by Dr. Commuter. Unfortunately, due to the imposition of 1500% tariffs, we are unable to supply copies at present, but this does not in any way invalidate their legality. Dr. Commuter can accept no liability whatsoever for any biscuit or baking-related consequences of following his advice and if you should become somewhat peaky, under the weather or a bit off after consuming biscuits the wrong way or by taking too many (if such a thing is possible, which we seriously doubt), then it is entirely your fault and nothing to do with us.

 

 

Dr. Commuter Fights Your Corner

 Dr. Commuter writes:  Although I am principally a medical man, inevitably I have frequently been involved in knotty legal cases and therefore feel qualified to make an incursion into the "land of wiggery", as I like to call it.¹

My attention was recently drawn to a rather preposterous claim publicised on YouTube and I feel that a thorough, indeed forensic, examination of the matter will be of benefit to my readers. This is what I was asked to review -  

We are, of course, concerned with the left middle panel. The other images are there to highlight how the innocent pursuits of someone interested in computer games and public transport may be subverted by the obscure machinations of the algorithms used by YouTube.

"Don't Say This" - these three words can harm your defence, claims "BlackBeltBarrister.² The video is 4 minutes and 29 seconds long but what with the adverts and loading time, that's five minutes of your precious time to invest in ascertaining the secret. You need not bother. For I can reveal the three words - and much more - in just a few more seconds reading time.

Presumably we are considering someone who has been arrested and is being interviewed by a police officer, complete with notebook, pencil, pencil-sharpener, eraser and video recording device. We have reached the crux of the enquiry. The copper removes his helmet (as helpfully shown in the picture), leans back and looks directly at you with that "Alright, chummy, you've asked for it and by God you're going to get it" look, (a look I well recall from the day in my youth when asked to move off the terraces at a QPR match by a determined and rather agitated young policeman ³) and he says:

"Did you do it?"

This is it. This is where you can harm your defence if you reply with the wrong three words. The number one thing you simply must, on no account, say is "I did it" (or if you are the more traditional sort of malefactor) "I done it". Saying this will utterly destroy the cunning pleadings of your brief that it was actually someone else who looks very much like you but who has vanished. But here is the vital point that the video has utterly and inexplicably missed - for there is more than one set of words that will inevitably lead to the handcuffs going back on, the copper closing his book triumphantly and a fresh straw mattress being laid out in an empty cell below. There are, in fact, quite a few such combinations.

Here are some of the other deadly three words admissions that you must not say

• It was me
• Yes, yes, officer
• I am guilty
• Bang to rights
• Itsa fair cop ⁴
• Sorry, but yes
• I acted alone
• I had to
• God made me or Satan made me. Your choice.
  
• I need help
• You got me
• Can't deny it

Memorise this list in case you are hauled off the streets and sat down with a anglepoise lamp dazzling you and two officers just outside the door arguing about which one is going to be the good cop this time. And if I have helped keep you from enjoying a spell of hospitality at the expense of His Majesty, any suitable recompense would be gratefully received. But please, no new bank notes, no knocked-off jewellery or rare artworks pinched in a daring heist; a bitcoin deposit or a briefcase of  used fivers will do nicely.

Readers! Join Dr Commuter's Legal Team

Can you think of some suitable three word things that must never be said in an arrest interview situation? Send them in to the usual address and here are some of the valuable prizes you could win:

•  A cardboard box to keep your wig in (legal professionals only).
  
• A pencil stub just like the one real police officers use, with the end pre-sucked
• A translation of "Not me, copper, you picked the wrong fall guy this time" into four popular European languages of your choice, in case you have a rough time on holiday
• The address of a solicitor I happen to know who is really quite cheap and doesn't reek of cheap sherry (not any more)
•  A copy of Huxtable's English Criminal Law (third edition, 1843) with the bits about being hung by the neck until very unwell underlined in green ink.
  

Terms and conditions apply, and these have not been casually lifted from any other websites, honest guv, and will be made available round the back, after midnight, just after the patrol car has gone by, and don't breathe nuffing to nobody, got it?

 Footnotes

1. Though nobody else does: Ed

2. My next video will attributed to "OlympicTripleGold&NobelPrizeWinningDoc" and there's nothing anybody can do to stop me. 

3. Nothing personal, he was trying to get everyone off the terrace

4. Yes, I know, it is four words really but cut me some slack on this one, alright?

Dr Commuter Answers Pop Stars' Questions

 Dr. Commuter writes: Many people find it hard to express their problems in direct, face to face communication with those that can help, and turn instead to the medium of popular song to express their fears and their uncertainties. This medium with its short, repetitive lyrics and undemanding vocal skills (frequently the ability to hit just two notes is sufficient), together with the possibility of significant financial advantage should one's recordings find favour with the public, has produced some of the most searching and important questions of our time. 

Here, then, are my answers to a selection of problems.

1. To Martha - No, I am not ready for a 'brand-new' beat and therefore have no interest in learning any more about what you may be getting up to out of doors. PS Do give my best wishes to the Vandellas.

2.  To Ringo Starr - You already sing out of tune, so asking me what would I do if you were to do so is pointless. I shall do what I always do when any of your songs are played - switch over to the cricket.

3.  To The Who. I am Dr. Commuter, that's who I am

4.  To Dionne Warwick. Turn on to the B439, left at the lights, take the A49 to junction 11 of the M17, proceed to Luton Airport, catch the first flight to Los Angeles then rent a car and ask at the desk for directions. Other routes are available. Don't forget to claim your duty-frees. 

5.  To Various 80's artists. Yes, round about the end of December each year they are aware that it is Christmas but since most of them do not observe it, it is irrelevant. 

6.  To Emile Ford. I was not making eyes at you or anyone else, I happened to be suffering from a mild infection that just makes them look a bit swollen and distorted. Pass on my kind regards to the Checkmates.

7.  To Rod Stewart. No. 

8. To Jackie Trent. I'm over here. Here, by the door, The bloke waving his arm. Put your distance glasses on. At last. OK, waiter, she made it, let's have some drinks.

9. To Simon & Garfunkel. No, not this year, you see the car's playing up, there are road works on the B348 and I'm a bit worried about the parrot. But you guys go, have a good time, don't worry about me, bring us back a stick of rock.

10.  To Dion. You're not in love. You are merely experiencing sexual desire and frustration because the object of your affections is not interested. It happens to all of us. Grow up and get over it. If you happen to see any of the Belmonts, one of them still owes me for a cup of tea.

11. To David Bowie. Probably not, unless you mean certain molecular structures able to survive in ice for thousands of years until a mild warming enables some chemical activity. But no little green men, that's right out.

12. To Peter Sarstedt. Being a busy consultant and advisor is not all work, you know. I sometimes go down the Red Pony, other times I may be found at Haringey Dog Track. I have been known to frequent Achmed's All-Nite Arcade & Fish Bar. It all depends. Anyway, I see no reason why I should account to you for my movements, you never tell me what you do.

13. To Patti Page. That one is £275, beautiful eyes eh, yes it's house-trained, lovely temperament. Too much? Well, I've got a gerbil in a box but he's getting on a bit, let you have him for a fiver, ok?

 

Dr. Commuter cannot enter into correspondence, unless in accord with the Terms & Conditions, details of which may be obtained by phoning at 8:00am and joining a queue, only to be told every two minutes that you could do it all online even though you can't, that you are number 83 in the queue and then being cut-off after 42 minutes.

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Editor's spoiler alert

If you really must know the source of the questions, scroll down to see the 'hot waxings' referred to: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Dancing in the Streets
2. With a Little Help from my Friends
3. Who Are You?
4. Do You Know The Way to San Jose?
5. Do They Know It's Christmas?
6. What Do You Want to Make Those Eyes at Me For?
7. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?
8. Where Are You Now, My Love?
9. Scarborough Fair
10. (Why Must I Be)  A Teenager in Love?
11. Life on Mars?
12. Where Do You Go To, My Lovely?
13. How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?

 

Dr. Commuter advises ... Aspiring NATO Members

 Dr. Commuter writes:  Everyone likes to feel wanted and part of a group. This is as just as true for entire nations as for individuals. These days NATO is very popular and more countries are thinking about joining all the time.  The BBC have even been forced to consider how one goes about this.

BBC Website 12 May 2022

Well, it turns out that it is really quite straightforward. You just need to fill out the application form, mail it off with your first year's subscription ($1 billion for larger countries, $400 million if population is under 30 million) and, if you pass the scrutiny of the Membership Committee, you should be in the club in no time.

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NATO APPLICATION FORM

Name of country................................................................................
Previous names if former colony or has recently declared independence
................................................................................................
Size of army.................... (in divisions)
Size of navy ................... (in ships; do not include rowing boats, pedalos or any vessel called Something McSomethingFace)
Size of air force.................(in planes)
 

Are you happy to have cruise missiles on your territory -     underline your answer from one of the following:
    Yes, if we have to / Of course, the more the merrier  / Already got some but don't mind a few more
 

Do your armed forces have a really fashionable and cool uniform and, if so, is it all right if other members borrow the style?
 

Are you currently invading anyone? - If yes, please give details in covering letter
 

Are you ruled by a mad dictator / revolutionary committee of people's justice / divinely-appointed monarch / infallible Prophet? If any of these apply, we will send you a few further questions later.
 

How do you feel about the borders of your country and those nearby? Tick one answer

• They are okay
• Some minor revisions would be helpful, you know, just to tidy up some scruffy bits, but no major changes are envisaged
• Historical anomalies must be corrected and those who have subverted the sacred soil of the Motherland be consigned to the lower circles of hell
• The glorious cause of our people knows no boundaries and all countries must, one day, be included within the bounds of our ever-growing empire

Do you accept the Terms and Conditions of NATO membership (see 658 page appendix)?    

Please remember to include a working email address and a telephone number where we may contact you. 

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Dr. Commuter is also available to advise any country that would like to join the EU, Eurovision, UEFA or Interpol.

Dr. Commuter assists ... Manchester United

 

 

Dr. Commuter writes:  I gather that English Premier League football team Manchester United are currently doing less well than they or their fans would wish, and that they are seeking aid from kindly souls such as Mr Ferdinand (pictured above).

I can save a whole point from the list, whatever it may contain, and thereby allow United more time to pack in extra football action. Here is my exclusive five-point plan for Mr ten Hag or anyone else to exploit as they wish.

1. Get a decent goalie. Goalies can help prevent the opposition from scoring goals
2. Get a decent defence. Defenders not only prevent goals from being scored against but can link up with the midfield (see below)
3. Get a decent midfield. Midfielders can link up with the defence (see above) and the forwards (see below) to help control the game and enable their side to score more goals than the others do
4. Get some decent forwards. Forwards can score goals and force the opposition to commit resources to defending, thereby relieving the pressure on the midfield (see above) and defence (see further above). 
5. Er, that's it. Just do all the above and you can save a further valuable point.

We seem to have ended up with a four-point plan and it may be possible to reduce it still further by judiciously inserting the word "player". Thus we may restate the entire plan in one succinct statement.

1. Get some decent players.

I think that will do for now.

 

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If you are a sporting manager in need of advice, do please contact Dr. Commuter at the usual address. Offers of free season tickets and attendance at prestige sporting events will not be rejected.

Dr. Commuter helps out ... the BBC #2

Dr. Commuter writes:  Once more our favourite public service broadcaster has sought my assistance in dealing with a weighty matter. This time the stumper is a tricky financial question.

Pic: BBC Website published today

There is really nothing much to this. A billion pounds is simply one thousand heaps of one million pounds and I'm sure many of us will have some of those stacked up in our back rooms. Or, to put it another way, a million heaps of one thousand pounds each, the sort of amount we can so easily spend on a night out without really thinking about it.

I sense that for some of you this may not be enough to solve the problem. That is because you are thinking about this in the old fashioned way of imagining a huge pile of banknotes or even one pound coins stacked impossibly high. But here is another much simpler approach. No tottering heaps of paper or great towers of metal that make it impossible to open your door. Just one little piece of paper thus:

Pic: Finder.Com

If this is still a trifle overwhelming, write out a cheque for, say, one hundred pounds. Send it to me so that you can have the full experience of watching the funds leave your bank account and migrate to another. Then repeat, oh, say ten million times, and you will now surely grasp exactly what a billion pounds is as you look forlornly out of the windows at the debtors prison to which your financial ineptitude has consigned you.

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If you have any troubling questions about money, Dr .Commuter may be consulted, subject to some utterly trivial terms and conditions that you really don't need to worry about, such as handing over fees in used notes in black bin liners, the use of numbered Swiss bank accounts and the passwords to any Bitcoin wallets that you may have lying about in your online cupboards. Special terms for billionaires needing help counting their stashes. Please do not ask for credit as a refusal is a damn certainty followed by lots of jeering.

Dr. Commuter helps out ... baffled Colgate users

Dr. Commuter writes: There are many deeply troubling questions that confront us in our daily lives. Is there a God? Does my partner still love me? Are there severe delays on the train, again? We doctors call this class of problem "The stumpers". And a worthy candidate to join them is that posed by an advertisement for a well known brand of toothpaste. Going directly to the heart of the matter it demands to know "Are you totally ready""

This question is undoubtedly of great philosophical significance and it is not easy to do it justice within the limited confines of this column. Many have questioned their state of readiness, since it is hard to assess this until the situation for which one is preparing has come about. For example, a tiddlywinks competitor may feel that he is ready for a challenge but when he sees his opponent confidently winking away he may find his own confidence diminishing.

We face a far greater problem as we dissect the meaning, if any, of this question for the crux of the issue is the interpretation of "totally". Are we totally ready? How would we know? Must we take an examination to find out? Is this something that a smart computer app could assess? How in any case could we be sure that, in all conceivable circumstances, we were ready, unless we undergo  each of them and this would take many more lifetimes than any of us has at our disposal (not to mention an inordinate amount of toothpaste, we would be utterly sick of the taste of it long before the end of the exhaustive testing process).

It is surely better for our peace of mind that we put aside thoughts of "total" readiness as belonging to a class of problem that we doctors call "Stupid ideas dreamed up by admen", ignore the product being advertised and remove an unnecessary source of stress from our lives.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Confused Guardian Readers

Dr. Commuter writes: Tricky business, eating. It is not surprising that many people turn to the media for help. Even a left-wing, artsy-poncy, lost-cause-supporting newspaper like the Guardian (I only take it for its excellent coverage of transgender ice-hockey in Bolivia) can get roped in, as the following snippet from today's paper illustrates.

There is a standard way to eat which we doctors call the "Stuff it in your gob" method. Select a small piece of food, insert it gently into your mouth, chew for a while and then swallow when ready. Repeat until either

• it has all gone and you can have your pudding; or 
• you have had enough and must push your plate away while saying lightly to your host "Simply delicious as always but I really shouldn't have stuffed myself with doughnuts before coming over here"

This technique works for a wide range of foodstuffs including ham, and even Spanish ham. We really must lose these old prejudices about foreign food. Plenty of people live abroad and eat the local food without showing any particularly bad symptoms.  There is no reason to think that Spanish ham is worse than our home-reared varieties.

Of course, simply eating a piece by itself is only the beginning. Why not enjoy a sophisticated dish? Try it on toast, for example. Heat some bread in a toaster or under a grill until crisp and brown (but not burnt!), apply butter or similar to taste and then carefully place a slice of ham on top. (Important: not underneath, it can make things very messy). Then raise to your mouth, bite off a portion and continue as explained above.

Now you are comfortable with the basics we can move on to the advanced stages. Spanish ham with eggs, Spanish ham with chips, Spanish ham with sausage and beans - the possibilities are limited only by your imagination. How about a Spanish ham sandwich, a truly delightful Anglo/Iberian combination. For this you will need either two slices of bread (toasted if you wish) or a roll that can be sliced half open. Place some ham inside, add salad garnish and a sauce of your choice, close up the sandwich or roll and take a tasty mouthful. Or place inside your briefcase and enjoy it later in a quiet moment during that brain-numbingly dull PowerPoint presentation at the regional sales conference at Darlington.

That should be enough to start you off on your own journey of discovery. Be confident. The next time you are out shopping in Lidl or wherever, stride up to the deli counter, rap on the counter and say loudly "Some Spanish ham if you please". Take your purchase home and consume in any of the ways we have already discussed then relax in the warming glow of contentment that you have mastered the tricky art of how to eat Spanish ham.

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If you are baffled by any unusual food of foreign origin - Dutch pancakes, French onions, Portuguese Man'o'war, Scottish shortbread - do please write to Dr. Commuter at the usual address. Terms and conditions not only apply but will be vigorously enforced. You have been warned.

Dr. Commuter helps out ... "A Tory MP"

Dr. Commuter writes:   There are some people in the world who, sadly, perceive a different kind of reality to the rest of us. We doctors call them "loonies". They are to be pitied, rather than condemned. Let us take the case of Mr. MP (real name hidden to prevent unnecessary pain and suffering to his constituents). He does not understand why his party leader is talking to the leader of the opposition in an attempt to reach an agreement on how Britain should leave the EU. "Why, oh why is this necessary?" asks Mr. MP.

The answer is that a minority administration, that, after two and a half years, has failed to negotiate a settlement for Britain leaving the EU that Parliament will accept, should either resign or find common cause from other parties in Parliament. There, that wasn't so hard to understand was it? Now take a lot of tablets, go and lie down and hopefully stay that way whilst the grown-ups make some decisions.

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If you have a pressing matter that you have procrastinated over for a ridiculous amount of time whilst knowing all along that you were getting it wrong then you are welcome to ask Dr. Commuter for advice but we warn you, you probably won't like the answer. Terms and conditions most definitely apply, subject to an indicative vote, cross-bench support and a great many points of order.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Mrs June*

* name disguised  

Dr. Commuter writes: Some times what seems perfectly rational behaviour to one person can, in reality, be obsessional and self-destructive. Symptoms include a refusal to accept what is apparent to everyone else, the belief that everyone else must be mistaken despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary and the delusion that if something is repeated enough times it becomes true.

Recently I have been working with a lady whose high-powered position in public life means her anonymity must be protected. I have therefore used the back entrance to No 10 Downing Street and only the Cabinet Secretary has been privy to our meetings. Treatment begins with trying to reach an agreed starting point and then building up in stages as I win round the patient's confidence. For example I might say "It is a nice day today", to which she replies "Yes it seems to be".

I say "I did enjoy last night's EastEnders, such a richly realistic portrayal of everyday life" and she will nod approvingly.

Then I make the first attempt to alter her perceptions.
"Such a shame that your plan to leave the EU is being rubbished on all sides, isn't it?".
This is what we doctors call the moment of putting the boot in. From now on it could go one of two ways. If the patient is on the road to recovery she will say "You are absolutely right, what was I thinking of, I have nearly done great and utterly unnecessary damage to my country, I will think again". But if she replies "I am right, everyone else is wrong and all my enemies will be as dust beneath my chariot wheels for surely God will smite them for their disbelief" then, alas, I must book a further set of appointments and ask her to delay the Brexit process for another few months.

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If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter please sit on them for a while as it does appear that the anonymous patient whose condition is discussed in this column is going to need a great deal of attention in the near future.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Boris Becker

Dr. Commuter writes:   This is a sad case. Boris Becker, the teen-age golden boy of tennis back in the 1980s, has not enjoyed similar success with the management of his finances and has been contesting a bankruptcy petition in the English courts. Unusually, his defence had constituted a claim that he had diplomatic accreditation from the Central African Republic and hence immunity from the court action but he has now dropped the claim.

This is not the fighting spirit that won young Becker three Wimbledon titles. The CAR may be a strange refuge for a famous German but there are plenty of other countries to try. Why not declare yourself to be a ship and register in Panama? You can feel free to break any laws you like as you move effortlessly round the world, informing Customs and Coastguards that they can't touch you without creating a serious diplomatic incident. Of course the downside is having to live in a dock.

Or, if you feel you'd like to get chummy with an Australian, team up with wikileaker Julian Assange. I'm told there's plenty of room in the Ecuadorian embassy broom cupboard and you can spend many happy hours arguing about whether Goolagong would have whopped Graf and how to make bratwurst out of wallabies.

Leaving your clothes on a beach and turning up somewhere else in the world has worked for some but may be a bit overworked these days. Perhaps the tried and trusty Saunders defence is the answer - drool a bit, let your hair grow unkempt and forget everybody's name. The court is bound to accept that you have irreversible dementia and let you off. As soon as you are free you can carry on just as you were before and they can't lay a finger on you.

Anyway, whichever strategy you use, do keep in touch. If things turn out nasty here at Commuter Towers, I may be joining you in that cupboard.

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If you have any questions for Dr.Commuter do please write to us at the usual address. Ambassadors are welcome as long as they bring an unfeasibly large tray of chocolates with them. Representatives from the Holy Roman Empire have left it too late, sorry. Terms and conditions will be waived upon receipt of a suitable emolument conveyed in a diplomatic bag.

Dr. Commuter helps ... Justin Bieber

The following snippet in today's paper has inevitably been drawn to my attention.

Dr. Commuter writes: -

Young idealistic people often wish to emulate the charismatic 1st century preacher but it is harder than they may think. Firstly, young Justin, you need to spend a huge amount of time studying the Torah and its many commentaries, such as the Talmud.  Fluency in biblical Hebrew, Aramaic and Greek is essential. At least ten years in a theological college should get you started. You will know you are on the first step when you have sufficient knowledge to leave eminent rabbis, who may have spent an entire lifetime on such studies, gasping with your wisdom and deep understanding. But this is merely the beginning.

It is time to start your ministry. Go out into the world and preach the basics of Judaism, just as Jesus did. Gather some disciples who will revere you for your teachings rather than your ability to wear a baseball hat back to front, impressive though this surely is. The occasional miracle may help convince the waverers but be sure to have several independent camera operators on hand to silence the sceptics.

Long robes and sandals are, I think, optional these days and riding an ass into town will be awkward - there are so few suitable parking spaces available - so a low powered motor scooter is acceptable. Oh, and give away all your worldly wealth. Sorry, I should have mentioned this at the beginning. This means all the cash, the houses, the jewellery, the shares in Apple, the Bitcoin stash and the rights to all your musical recordings and writings. Everything, my son, everything. Call me back when you have done this and we can continue your education.

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If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter, religious or otherwise, do please contact us at the usual address. Dr. Commuter does not claim to be infallible but does come pretty damn close. Terms and Conditions apply, especially concerning the fate of your immortal soul.

Dr. Commuter helps ... Marks and Spencers

Yes, I'm sure we are all desperate to know the answer to this age-old stumper. What, indeed, makes Christmas, Christmas? A top level team here at Ramblings has been fully engaged with research into this most vital of questions for at least the last four seconds and I can now exclusively reveal their findings.

Our conclusive results are expressed here as succinctly as possible so that you can get on with the rest of your busy lives and not waste any more time scratching your heads, possibly failing to hear the phone with a last minute order that could mean make or break for your business and consequently being sacked, breaking up with your spouse and falling into a life of misery amidst the dustbins at the back of Ruislip station. Or does that sort of thing only happen to our editor? [It was only once and I'm over it now, OK? Ed]

The answer is:

a):   It's because of whatever we choose to do on Christmas
b):   Er, there's no need for a b because the a was so great*
c):   That's all folks

By the way, I have not bothered to screen the video that was packaged in the tweet shown above so I have not the faintest idea whether they managed to answer the question all by themselves and I couldn't care less anyway.

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If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter please send them to the usual address. Terms and Conditions do not apply between now and Black Friday but we cannot undertake to do anything about your questions until afterwards, at which point they will apply again and with renewed force.


* With thanks to Rik Mayall from whom I have lovingly ripped off this line

Dr. Commuter advises ... Tesco

This plaintive cry for help was part of an advertisement for Tesco's home delivery service. Why come home to an empty fridge indeed? A top level team at Ramblings has been tasked with finding out the answers and here they are.

1. Shop once a week or so, fill up your fridge with the food that you need and, amazingly, you won't come home to an empty fridge. But see 2.
2. Is your problem that, the moment you fill up your fridge, the lodgers raid it and leave it empty? Dr. Commuter suggests that you evict them forthwith
3. Don't go out to work then you won't need to come home.
4. Don't come home.
5. Throw away your fridge and store food in a larder, a meat-safe, a cellar and an ice-house built into your grounds. It was good enough for the Victorian aristocracy so it should be good enough for you.

If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter then do please get in touch at the usual address. Terms and conditions do not apply, unless we can think of some in the meantime.

Dr. Commuter Helps Out ... the BBC

This is one of those questions that keeps on coming up, especially at this time of the year with so many unwanted or unsuitable Christmas presents being given. I can give a totally unequivocal and direct answer to this one - NO.

If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter, do please let us know at the usual address.

Dr Commuter Advises... the England Cricket Team

Source: BBC Website

Thank you for your enquiry Jonathan. I assume it is a question although it does appear in the form of a categorical statement in the rendering reproduced above. The Ashes is, as many of us know, a series of cricket matches played between teams representing England and Australia. The side that wins the most in any one series is declared the winner of the "The Ashes" and goes on to spray large quantities of sparkling wines over one another.

In my opinion the England team can certainly win the Ashes. What they must do is to score more runs than their opposition and to take more wickets. In this way they will have a larger score of runs at the end of each game and if they take all of the wickets as well then they will be adjudged the winners and may commence to spray sparkling wine, albeit not in the same liberal quantities as they are permitted to use should they win the entire series.They will win the entire series if they manage to follow this prescription in sufficient games.

If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter,  do contact us at the usual address. 

Dr. Commuter helps you to save those pennies

A reader's letter to the Guardian asked if it is worth putting reflective foil behind a radiator. Amongst the replies, this one caught my eye.

JustAnotherNum6er 22 Oct 2016 7:16
Fuel poverty groups distribute reflective panels to put behind radiators so guess there is something in it. Don't much care what it looks like if it helps to reflect back some heat, and sends a few pence less to the greedy energy companies.

Dr. Commuter writes ...

Ooo those awful energy companies. How do they get away with charging people for light and heat? Here are some tips for making sure they all become insolvent.

1. Leaving your television running all night so that it is 'warmed up' in the morning when you struggle down to watch breakfast TV? Probably not necessary these days, modern sets do warm up pretty fast. Set your alarm to half an hour earlier, crawl downstairs and switch it on, then enjoy a final lie-in before you have to get up.
2. Is that 500 watt searchlight in your garden really justified? You can keep an eye on the neighbours with a much smaller model.
3. We all enjoy hot baths but setting your boiler to heat the water to just below boiling point then spending ages adding cold water and swirling it around is, frankly, a second-best method. Turn it down a bit.
4. Do you have an illuminated house sign? Is your house number more than a single digit? If so, why not move to an address with fewer digits and save, save, save. Or switch it off altogether and sod the postman.
5. Don't make toast in a toaster, hold the bread above an old candle (you can find loads of these in some churches, just lying about waiting to removed).

Those greedy energy companies won't know what's hit them. And that's not all.

• Fed up with greedy water companies charging you to provide clean water and sewage disposal? Dig two big holes in the garden. Take your fresh water from one as often you like (after it rains) and use the other as a loo. Don't get them mixed up! You don't want the greedy doctors getting their claws in you.
• Had it up to here with greedy airlines and the ludicrous cost of foreign travel? Get a job as an air steward, enjoy your first free time abroad, come home and resign. 
• You don't have to put up with those greedy supermarkets and their avaricious suppliers, the so-called "farmers". There's plenty of natural food all around you. You do like earthworms, do you not?

 If you've enjoyed these money-saving tips, you can find many more in Dr. Commuter's Big Book of Money Saving Tips. It's packed chock-full of money saving tips, with loads of helpful tips about how to save money, including pence and even pounds in some cases. Save, save. save all the way with the Big Book of Money Saving Tips. Only £58, plus £25 p&p, and an annual service charge, from Dr. Commuter.
Terms and Conditions apply. Naturally.

Dr. Commuter Helps Out ... Andy Murray

Source: BBC Website

Dr. Commuter writes:

This is a hard one. I suggest he plays in ranking tournaments and does his level best to win some of them and if he works jolly hard and hits the ball accurately and hard into the court (and not into the net, you'd be surprised how many players fall for that one) then he should manage to score more ranking points than any other player and he will be rated world number one.

If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter,  do contact us at the usual address.

Lines from a hospital bed - 2

Being a patient is hard work, but by God it's harder when you have to be your own doctor as well. If you don't like medical details then look away now. (wish I could. Ed)

I've been flat out with a damaged left foot. Naturally my body has reacted to the lack of physical activity, and the drugs, by shutting down certain, shall we say, functions. This has been fixed with the help of some little green pills. But, perhaps as a side-effect, a couple of days ago I had been feeling nauseous and nobody had taken any interest. I lost appetite and ate very little, returning 3 meals almost untasted. Today I stopped drinking, a real no-no, because I couldn't face anything going down my throat. Eventually I felt like vomiting, though there was nothing to bring up.There was a nurse with me at the time. He gave me an injection, designed I think, to prevent feeling sick. This made me feel so unwell - literally sick and tired - that I was almost unable to talk to my visitors a little later.

The solution lay in my own hands. I stopped taking painkillers (not that heroic because there was very little pain, but they do love doling them out). The idea was to reduce any opiates in the system because I react badly to them. Remembering something similar during a hospital stay some years ago, I induced a little retching session. Nothing came up but I began to feel better. After a repeat I was ready to think about drinking other than plain water. The next day the difference was amazing. I actually wanted my breakfast. I ate normally that day and now, a day later, can confirm that my treatment was right and the knee-jerk reponse of the nurse was wrong.

So, Dr. Commuter's advice is to listen to what your body tells you.