A Promise Fulfilled

 I promised - nay, pledged - to find suitable accommodation for my long-time literary collaborator and amanuensis, the personage known to these columns only as "the Editor", when we upped sticks and left beautiful Ruislip for the rather more beautiful Warwickshire countryside. And here at Ramblings we stand by our pledges. I am delighted to reveal that, after considerable effort and painstaking research, a suitable property has been found.  

It is, perhaps, a little grander than I had first envisaged. Placed close to the river Alne¹ and with delightful views over the surrounding flood-plain, it comprises an entirely open-plan living space constructed of sustainable local materials. The property is fully air-conditioned using only natural sources of air and there's no irritating time-wasting required to clean the windows. Although not yet connected to the National Grid, there are ample supplies of bracken, gorse and bog-plants to permit an entirely self-sustaining lifestyle and fresh water is but a few steps away (in the winter it is freely available inside).

There is ample parking just two hundred metres away in the lane that comes fairly close to the bog that leads into the marsh in which the property is situated. Residents may enjoy a high degree of privacy given that nobody in the area comes anywhere near but local services may be readily found once one has put on heavy hiking boots and trudged a mere three miles to find them (Early closing day Monday, Closed Tues-Sun).

I have no hesitation in commending this site as being entirely fitting to the editorial contribution made to this blog over the past 19 years.

1. Or in it, any time it has rained heavily in the previous 24 hours

Implausability Corner

 The award for most unbelievable denial of the year goes to author Omid Scobie whose book Endgame has recently been published. It recounts the goings-on in the Royal Family with particular reference to the squabble between the Duke and Duchess of Sussex and the rest of them. A few years ago Prince Harry alleged that "senior royals" had made comments about the skin colour of their expected baby but did not name names. Endgame does not either - but somehow the version published in Dutch does. Or, rather no longer does, because every copy has been seized by the publishers and pulped.

Pic: Daily Telegraph

 

The British press are being coy about it but of course there are no such restraints on the internet. Photocopies of the relevant page have circulated, names have been named and social media is doing what it always does in such circumstances.

Whether the "what colour will it be" question is racist or not has exercised people ever since the revelation was first made on a popular US chat show. This columnist does not think it was, assuming it was a genuine question and asked in the same way that people always wonder about whose features a baby may inherit, and not followed up by a "hope it's not too much on the darkish side" which I guess is the implication the Sussexes meant us to understand. 

The fascination with the current imbroglio is that Mr Scobie has been at pains to deny it was he supplied the names that appeared in his manuscript. Apparently he had no intention of naming anyone and is utterly baffled that the names of a well-known reigning monarch and the wife of his heir were added to the text. It is being blamed on the translators who have pointed out that they all they do is translate. There is said to be a "full investigation" going on.

We at Ramblings have a well-placed source and can exclusively reveal how this investigation began.

Scene: Amsterdam. A publisher's office. Behind a desk piled high with manuscripts, moodily chewing on a raw herring and gulping the occasional schnappes, sits Sherlock van der Valk. Seated in front, the author.

Valk: Please be at ease Mr Scobie. We just need to clarify this matter.
Scobie: I've no idea how I can help but fire away.
Valk: You submitted the manuscript without including the names of the royals who so distressed the Sussexes?
Scobie: Of course. I haven't the faintest idea who they are. Nobody does. I couldn't possibly have included the names because nobody knows.
Valk: And they were inserted by someone else?
Scobie: Yes. Obviously. I wrote 'And so the names of the royals who were so cruel to Harry and Meghan must forever remain a mystery.' Someone must have sneaked in here at night, picked the lock of your door, found the right page in the heap, tippexed out what I wrote and typed over it 'are King Charles and the Princess of Wales'. The next day the manuscript went straight to the translator.
Valk: And who on earth would do such a thing?
Scobie: A sinister force, that's who. Someone very, very close to the truth who has the means and the motivation to ensure that the names came into the public domain. Someone - or maybe it is two people - with a huge grudge against the royal family, determined to keep this story alive and on the front page. Two people who have already made millions on chat shows using their unique position and who hope to make millions more. But I haven't the faintest idea who they might be, although there is a chance that they might be named, entirely by accident, by a ham-fisted typist doing the Czech translation of my new book.
Valk: New Book?
Scobie: Provisional title The Prince Strikes Back. But I haven't the slightest idea which prince that might be, of course and any speculation on my part would be utterly inappropriate.
Valk: Mr Scobie ... I am convinced you are correct. We shall never find this 'sinister force', as you name him, that is for sure. I think we must close the case. Let us instead turn to the question of who is to publish this new book of yours - I think I have a contract form to hand....