Larking About in the Gulf

I had begun to hope that the Royal Navy might have shaken off its image as a bunch of incompetent dilettantes, as explored in my piece of a few years ago, but sadly they have once again lived up to form, as this news item illustrates:

Source: BBC News (edited to fit by me)

The joy of this report lies in that last paragraph (the original is longer but I have cut out the intervening text), the casual "Not the first time ... involved in such an incident".  Surely there is only other naval vessel with a similar record and we must, inevitably, reframe this whole regrettable affair as seen through their eyes.

Jaunty music. Sound of waves slapping against the hull, the hum of marine engines and background sounds of seagulls, drones, rockets fired from shore positions and seamen shouting "Cor, look at that" and "Blimey, there's another one"

Commander Murray: Getting a little sticky, I should say. Keep it steady as she goes, Chief
CPO Pertwee: Aye, aye sir, steady as she goes.
Murray: Any updates from the Admiralty, Sub-lieutenant Phillips?
Phillips:  Got the latest from Intelligence, sir. They say that there's absolutely nothing to worry about, no sign of any hostile activity. And it's absolutely gorgeous weather at Goodwood, racing hard to firm, Andy Murray's just been knocked out of the Australian Open and there's a holdup on the A47 north of Walsall.
Murray: Good, let's keep our eyes open and we should be back in Bahrain pretty soon.
Distorted voice over loudspeaker Lookout here. Harbour entrance on the port side, closing amidships, whatever they are.
Murray: Excellent. Take her in, Mr Phillips
Phillips: Oh golly. Right. Erm, port side, that's, erm, thats ...
Pertwee: Whispers The hand with the signet ring on, sir
Phillips: Of course, I knew that. Left hand down a bit.
Pertwee: Left hand down a bit it is, sir.
Murray: Watch for that mole thingy.
Phillips: Oh lumme, er, backwards a goodish bit, Chief.
Pertwee: Backwards a goodish bit, sir.
Distorted voice: I don't want to bother you on the bridge and all that, but there's another ship just behind us
Murray: Well, they jolly well shouldn't be there, that's our parking slot.
Phillips: Right a bit, Chief, let's slip in around the back.
Murray: You're going backwards, Mr Phillips, don't you mean left a bit?
Phillips: Do I? Now to go left when reversing we have to turn right, but does that mean right facing forward or facing backwards. Tricky.
Pertwee: Permission to point out that we are actually about to ram this other vessel, sir.
Murray: Thanks chief, yes, it does seem to be coming up a bit sharpish...Something like this happened not so long ago, I seem to recall.
Phillips: In Portsmouth, 2022. And also Devonport, 2020.
Pertwee: Not forgetting Falmouth in 2019. Twice. With the same boat.
Murray: Oh, yes, that had slipped my mind.
Collision, voices shouting,steel hulls vibrating, objects falling on deck
Murray: thoughtfully The admiral's not going to like this ...

Dr. Commuter Fights Your Corner

 Dr. Commuter writes:  Although I am principally a medical man, inevitably I have frequently been involved in knotty legal cases and therefore feel qualified to make an incursion into the "land of wiggery", as I like to call it.¹

My attention was recently drawn to a rather preposterous claim publicised on YouTube and I feel that a thorough, indeed forensic, examination of the matter will be of benefit to my readers. This is what I was asked to review -  

We are, of course, concerned with the left middle panel. The other images are there to highlight how the innocent pursuits of someone interested in computer games and public transport may be subverted by the obscure machinations of the algorithms used by YouTube.

"Don't Say This" - these three words can harm your defence, claims "BlackBeltBarrister.² The video is 4 minutes and 29 seconds long but what with the adverts and loading time, that's five minutes of your precious time to invest in ascertaining the secret. You need not bother. For I can reveal the three words - and much more - in just a few more seconds reading time.

Presumably we are considering someone who has been arrested and is being interviewed by a police officer, complete with notebook, pencil, pencil-sharpener, eraser and video recording device. We have reached the crux of the enquiry. The copper removes his helmet (as helpfully shown in the picture), leans back and looks directly at you with that "Alright, chummy, you've asked for it and by God you're going to get it" look, (a look I well recall from the day in my youth when asked to move off the terraces at a QPR match by a determined and rather agitated young policeman ³) and he says:

"Did you do it?"

This is it. This is where you can harm your defence if you reply with the wrong three words. The number one thing you simply must, on no account, say is "I did it" (or if you are the more traditional sort of malefactor) "I done it". Saying this will utterly destroy the cunning pleadings of your brief that it was actually someone else who looks very much like you but who has vanished. But here is the vital point that the video has utterly and inexplicably missed - for there is more than one set of words that will inevitably lead to the handcuffs going back on, the copper closing his book triumphantly and a fresh straw mattress being laid out in an empty cell below. There are, in fact, quite a few such combinations.

Here are some of the other deadly three words admissions that you must not say

• It was me
• Yes, yes, officer
• I am guilty
• Bang to rights
• Itsa fair cop ⁴
• Sorry, but yes
• I acted alone
• I had to
• God made me or Satan made me. Your choice.
  
• I need help
• You got me
• Can't deny it

Memorise this list in case you are hauled off the streets and sat down with a anglepoise lamp dazzling you and two officers just outside the door arguing about which one is going to be the good cop this time. And if I have helped keep you from enjoying a spell of hospitality at the expense of His Majesty, any suitable recompense would be gratefully received. But please, no new bank notes, no knocked-off jewellery or rare artworks pinched in a daring heist; a bitcoin deposit or a briefcase of  used fivers will do nicely.

Readers! Join Dr Commuter's Legal Team

Can you think of some suitable three word things that must never be said in an arrest interview situation? Send them in to the usual address and here are some of the valuable prizes you could win:

•  A cardboard box to keep your wig in (legal professionals only).
  
• A pencil stub just like the one real police officers use, with the end pre-sucked
• A translation of "Not me, copper, you picked the wrong fall guy this time" into four popular European languages of your choice, in case you have a rough time on holiday
• The address of a solicitor I happen to know who is really quite cheap and doesn't reek of cheap sherry (not any more)
•  A copy of Huxtable's English Criminal Law (third edition, 1843) with the bits about being hung by the neck until very unwell underlined in green ink.
  

Terms and conditions apply, and these have not been casually lifted from any other websites, honest guv, and will be made available round the back, after midnight, just after the patrol car has gone by, and don't breathe nuffing to nobody, got it?

 Footnotes

1. Though nobody else does: Ed

2. My next video will attributed to "OlympicTripleGold&NobelPrizeWinningDoc" and there's nothing anybody can do to stop me. 

3. Nothing personal, he was trying to get everyone off the terrace

4. Yes, I know, it is four words really but cut me some slack on this one, alright?