Dr. Commuter writes:
Millions of people suffer from a debilitating, mysterious and taboo affliction. Spoken of in hushed tones, if at all, and regarded by some as simply too horrible to contemplate, it has blighted the lives of generations. To many it is just "The Big B". Today I shall speak out openly about it and thereby put the minds of many of my fellow citizens at rest. My subject is biscuits and how to eat them.
What are biscuits?
Forget the stories you heard in the pub or down the shops. Biscuits are normal, they are acceptable under most circumstances and - they are man-made. They are not sent to us through a miraculous process of divine intervention, as some religions continue to teach. We make them and we can control them. Never lose sight of this essential truth.
When should we eat them?
A biscuit - although perhaps we should use the plural as two or more at onc time is the norm - may be eaten at any time. Best with an appropriate hot - or even cold - drink, as a snack or at the end of a more substantial meal, at a time of your choosing. You are in charge here. You must not be intimidated by the effort involved in opening a new packet - specialist tools such as scissors are available if need be - nor the prospect of crumbs. These may be readily controlled by using what we doctors call "plates".
Are combinations acceptable?
Yes, you may mix and match. A bourbon and a custard-cream - a jammy dodger and a cookie - a ginger nut and a pink flakey sandwich thing - there are no harmful combinations.
How should I eat my biscuit?
This is the heart of our topic today. How many of us have contemplated a quick garibaldi or a fig roll with a cup of coffee and then shrank back in horror, thinking "How on earth do I actually consume this?". My friends, courage must be your watchword.
Take your biscuit in one hand and examine it. Remove any wrapper. No matter how tempting the shiny outer layer may look, it must not, repeat not, be eaten. Strip it away and bin it. Now, with the naked biscuit held close to your mouth, hold it correctly (see below) and take a bite. Chew and swallow. Repeat until the biscuit is consumed, using your drink to lubricate as required. When all is gone you may sit back, permit yourself a smile of satisfaction and consider enjoying another.
The Correct Way
The Commuter way is the correct way. Hold your biscuit (and I cannot stress this enough) horizontally to the ground. Do not hold it vertically (by which I mean that the longest side is at 900 to the ground). In the case of a round biscuit, the disc of the biscuit should be horizontal to the ground and the edge should be vertical. You will find this technique, well known to the ancient Coachahuatual people of Central America, matches the natural dimensions of the biscuit to those of your mouth which is also horizontal with respect to the ground. (If you are holding your head at a silly angle merely to disprove my argument, then I am not interested).
The Two Sided Biscuit
Of course, some biscuits are round and present us with two faces, much as a coin has its obverse and reverse sides. When the biscuit is essentially homogenous - such as a plain digestive - then it matters little which face is uppermost. But when the biscuit is composite, as in the case of the chocolate digestive featured at the head of this column, then you may become confused by the choice. Chocolate side up or down? Wars have been started over more trivial issues. But I am here to cut through the obfuscations and the political agendas. My friends, IT DOES NOT MATTER. Eat it howsoever you wish. Once in your mouth all will be made as one in any case. Scientific studies conducted over many years in the Commuter household have shown conclusively that the enjoyment of the biscuit does not vary with the way that it is held, provided that the Commuter way (as outlined above) is adhered to.
The Dunking problem
This is not the place to investigate a different and far more difficult matter - the best way to dunk a biscuit in hot tea or coffee, especially when a two-sided biscuit is being used. Important studies, such as that carried out for the CBBC channel, have suggested the best type of biscuit for dunking, but have merely scratched the surface as to the best method to dunk. This may be the subject of a later dissertation in these columns.
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If you have any questions for Dr. Commuter, please write to the usual address. Terms and conditions apply to all material published by Dr. Commuter. Unfortunately, due to the imposition of 1500% tariffs, we are unable to supply copies at present, but this does not in any way invalidate their legality. Dr. Commuter can accept no liability whatsoever for any biscuit or baking-related consequences of following his advice and if you should become somewhat peaky, under the weather or a bit off after consuming biscuits the wrong way or by taking too many (if such a thing is possible, which we seriously doubt), then it is entirely your fault and nothing to do with us.
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