A few years ago I found some pleasure in the story of the Vatican needing to be audited. I could relate to it, based on my own experiences in that field (auditing, that is, not the office of Christ's vicar on earth). Today another news item seems to remind me of the good old days when I worked for a small partnership of Chartered Accountants. But with this one we are no longer close to heaven but all at sea.
The fee for the audit will be a very significant part of the total income of the new auditors, a firm with just two qualified auditors according to their own website. Who the other two people are that make up the four mentioned in the news clip is not clear. One news report quotes the firm as saying they can pull in lots of staff as required. I think we have enough material to be able accurately to construct how this tiny and makeshift concern will tackle the mighty P & O job.
Scene: Offices in Dover harbour. Gulls wheel about. Large boats slide in and out of the docks. The traditional cries of immigration officers, such as "There's one, Henderson, after him, my lad!" and "Excuse me, sir, I can't help noticing there are several people looking out of the boot of your car", drift up to a dusty back room.
Enter Mr Farquarhson, manager, George, audit senior and Tarquin, trainee 1
Farquarhson: Right, here we are. Let's not waste too much time. This is a very important job for the firm and the client has made it clear that there could be more, if we do it right. KPMG couldn't hack it but we can! Now, they are bringing all the books here. There's no need for us to visit any other of their offices or to ask a lot of unnecessary questions of their accounting people, they're terribly busy and I know we can rely utterly on whatever the directors tell us. Of course, we must show we are totally independent and that might mean doing a bit of digging.
George: Seems perfectly straightforward to me. They run some ships. We just need to tot up the takings, check a few numbers and do the usual systems review.
Farquarhson: The accounts are here, on the back of this envelope. George, run them through the adding machine, make sure it all balances. Young Tarquin, I have a special job for you. We need to verify the assets. P & O say they have eight ferries. Keep a close eye out of the window and write down the names of all the boats you see.
Tarquin: Golly, sounds a bit tricky.
George: Use a clean sheet of paper, list each boat on a new line and tick them off...green ink, I think, for this one
Farquarhson: Good choice, George. Now, they have a lot of duty-free stock that we need to count. Their MD has asked me to come with him on a test routine of the single malt whiskies, so I shall be out most of the day. You two can do the beers and so forth tomorrow.
Tarquin: There's one!
George: Just write it down, Tarquers, we don't need to know each time. And watch out for duplicates, those boats go back and forth, you know
Tarquin: Gosh, really? That is awkward. I can see why KPMG walked away.
Farquarhson: As I was saying, let's have a good look at the stocks, count the lifeboats, you know the drill. And, George, on Thursday, we could post Tarquin on top of the cliffs, just to make sure there aren't any ferries sneaking out of any secret harbours. I've brought some binoculars and a folding seat for him.
George: That is smart. Makes me wonder if we should nip over to Calais, do the same thing there
Farquarhson: No need. You know the firm can always bring in additional resources if required. We've engaged Les Auditeurs Superbe of Boulogne, that's Jean-Claude Baguette and his uncle, to have a quick look.
George: Crikey, Mr F., the firm has thought of everything
Farquarhson: We may be small but we can mix it with the best, George. Now there's one very important matter that needs to be addressed directly. Tarquin!
Tarquin: Mr F?
Farquarhson: Mine's a black Americano, two sugars
George: Large latte
Farquarhson: Off you go, lad, the cafe is on the upper deck of Maid of Kent, moored over there, and for God's sake get off before it sails.
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1. Yes, it is the same crew who did the Catholic job and I make no apologies, it takes effort creating these wonderfully realistic and well-rounded characters and I'm going to recycle them every chance I get.
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