Does your brain hurt?

I read in today's Guardian that Samantha von Däniken , who has huge financial problems, has been evicted from her home courtesy of Halifax Building Society. Ms Däniken (yes, a relative of the well known loony) describes herself as a "psychic surgeon". Wow. Forget your five years at medical school and then many years of hospital attachments as a junior doctor. You too can hold a recognised and senior medical qualification merely by stating that you have one.

A whole glittering world of possibilities has opened up for me. Henceforth I shall practice as a psychic brain surgeon. Does your brain hurt? Bothered by traumas? Need a quick lobotomy? Come right in and relax in my virtual surgery. No appointment needed. There, does that feel better? Of course it does. My surgery is instant and devastatingly effective. And my fees are really quite reasonable, at only £10,000 per operation (extras for my psychic anaethestist and a couple of days in post-operative psychic nursing home, naturally). However, I am afraid I can accept only real cash in return for these essential services and (assuming you are the sort of person who believes that there are such things as psychic surgeons), I know you will be only too pleased to pay.

Next week I may retrain as a psychic lawyer. Ruislip court of petty sessions for the terminally gullible, here we come.