Statements of Intent

The leadership of the Conservative Party: a Statement

I wish to clarify my intentions with respect to the leadership election shortly to commence. I do not have the confidence in any of the declared candidates to unify our country and take us forward in the wake of the historic decision to destroy our links with our biggest trading partner /  kick out the nasty foreigners / forge a new destiny amidst the open seas of international commerce and therefore am now undergoing consultations to see if there is a basis of which I can take the British people kicking and screaming into the nineteenth  twenty-first century

The leadership of the Labour Party: a Statement

I wish to clarify my intentions with respect to the leadership election likely to commence shortly. I do not have the confidence in any of the declared candidates to unify our country and take us forward in the wake of the  vigorous campaign for Remain /  the lacklustre attempt to stay in / the inability to listen to our natural supporters and to state clearly what we believe in rather than what we are afraid of  and therefore am now undergoing consultations to see if there is a basis of which I can offer to the British people the same old stuff a glittering new future in the twenty-second century (when, experts assure me, is the earliest we can expect to be returned to power).

The leadership of the United Kingdom Independence Party: a Statement

What a bunch of narrow minded racist thugs they really are.

The leadership of the Liberal Democrat Party: a Statement

To be issued if and when the party should reappear as a serious political movement.