At This Grave Hour, Here Is My Pledge To The British People

The resignations of David Davis, as Brexit Minister, and Boris Johnson, as Foreign Secretary, that took place earlier today have naturally led to a significant Government reshuffle. As the number of suitable candidates is not great and the desire of many of them not to undertake a thankless task probably outweighs their interest in holding high office, it is perhaps time for me to make own position clear.

Firstly (and I assume nobody else has gone in the past few minutes whilst I have been marshalling my thoughts and penning these few words typing into my web browser) let me make it clear, no I've already done that bit, umm, at this important time in our great nation's history .... island race ... mother of parliaments ... football's coming home ... Royal family, God bless 'em ... yes, my point is (has anyone else gone yet?) that should Mrs May (assuming she is still Prime Minister when she casts her cool, quizzical and frankly quite sexy look over this column¹) seek a candidate for the Cabinet whose grasp of current events surely exceeds those of most of her crew by a pretty considerable margin then she should look no further than the author of these jottings.

I pledge to implement the Brexit that the British people voted for (if somebody could kindly remind me exactly what it was it would be helpful, because nothing any of the Brexiteers says makes the least sense and these guys have had years and years to think it over, discuss ideas with their European counterparts and actually do some real work towards it instead of just posturing) and I will not compromise or fudge on the core issues (whatever they may be and however contradictory); I am convinced of the wonderful opportunities that await us that are evidenced by the huge number of foreign businesses simply queueing up to move to these shores [Researcher: find out if any one at all has actually promised to move here, buggered if I've heard of any] and that the nations of the world are desperate to do business with us, join us in military alliances and find out the secret of our astonishing success at football ². 

Here's hoping I can get a seat at the World Cup Final before the next crisis.

[Nobody else has gone in the past ten minutes so it's safe to post up this despatch: Ed]


1. That must be worth a CBE at the very least. If she is still PM.
2. I am no longer on any serious medication