101 Things #36 - Let Us Go Fourth

It is a great honour you do me. Really, I am flattered to have been asked. I know that to be included in the select group, who have already attained this ultimate recognition of their talents, is to have reached a pinnacle and I am humbled to be counted amongst their company. Nonetheless I fear that I must decline and shall, perforce, add your request to my anti-bucket list 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die by putting aside any notion that I might

Exhibit my work on the Fourth Plinth.

A word of explanation. Trafalgar Square, at the south-eastern edge of London's fashionable West End is home to the National Gallery, a couple of High Commissions, some tacky souvenir shops, St Martin in the Fields church (and useful cafe), lots of disaffected pigeons and, of course, the pillar upon which stands a statue of Admiral Lord Nelson. Surrounding this column are three statues (on plinths) and one empty plinth.

The Fourth Plinth as it was
Pic: London.gov.uk

For reasons we need not go into, the Victorians, who built the square, never found a suitable subject for the last statue (having rejected, wisely, the original idea of William IV) and the plinth stood untenanted until fairly recently. Eminent artists are now invited to make use of it for short-term exhibitions.

All this being so, you may well be wondering why I intend to be absent when the roll-call of exhibitors is read. I shall explain.

The most recent commission, due for 2020, is to be Heather Phillipson's exhibit "The End". This is described as

A dollop of whipped cream with an assortment of toppings: a cherry, a fly, and a drone. The drone will film passers-by and display them on an attached screen. 

 If your minds are now going into that slightly unfocussed state which denotes the start of a good boggling, maybe a picture will help (obviously this is a model)

Pic. Heather Phillipson and James O. Jenkins

 / Independent

In the words of the artist it speaks to

 extremes of shared experience, from commemorations and celebrations to mass protests, all while being observed by a drone’s camera

 If you wish to delve further into the symbolism of this piece do please click on the link above (because you won't learn any more about it here).

Naturally, I was tempted to offer some of my oeuvres (good word that, you can include any old tat hanging about at the back of your shed if you call it an oeuvre); for example:

• The End of the Beginning: A giant biscuit wrapper, torn in half, with crumbs scattered around the base in the shape of a child waving her arms, to symbolise the importance of climate change. 
• Silent Movie: A statue in the form of a traditional mime, beret, black and white striped top and white face, with a loudspeaker concealed in the mouth playing the music of 1928. This symbolises the transition from silent movies to talkies and has the added advantage that no royalties need be paid. It is hoped that real mimes will be at large in the square to annoy the hell out of everyone.
• Is It Art?: A provocative display of thirty metres of 6 inch gas piping, coiled around a dead tree. The temptation of Eve or just some stuff found on a derelict building site? You decide. 
• The Beginning of the End: A few biscuit crumbs on a plate, a smear of chocolate and a damp tea spoon. Symbolises the completion of another satisfying tea break. Nothing else.
• Double or quits: A sculpture the exact shape, size and appearance of the plinth to be mounted on top of it.  Dedicated to the unsung heroes of heroic statuary, the plinth-builders.

On reflection, I have decided that I cannot compete with Ms Phillipson's vision. It's the drone bit that does it for me. She appears to have created the world's largest and most pointless selfie-machine. Had I thought of it first it might have been a different story ...

I shall retreat to my shed and brood and meanwhile, if you want my advice on the Fourth Plinth, why not remove it, dig a hole in the ground equal in size and shape to it, and drop in it some of the politicians whose recklessness and ignorance has driven a wedge between the UK and its European allies?