If this is Art then I'm a banana

You may have noticed that each of these little musings has a tag - a handy way to find all the posts of a particular type - and these are helpfully listed at the right hand side of the web page. Today's offering is so bizarre that it almost requires a category of its own. I have allocated it to 'Just stupid' but really it needs to go under 'Unbelievably stupid, how can humans be so stupid?'.

I have commented on art now and then in these columns. I have defined what I take to be 'good' art. I have utter scorn and derision for those who claim to be artists because they say they are, as opposed to those who actually create art. You can therefore imagine my response to the following story

Pic: The Guardian

A bloke, who claims to be an artist, takes things that others have made, or harvested, and sticks them on gallery walls and gets the credit for being a brilliant artist because nobody in the entire history of the human race has ever looked at any of these things before, or something. His latest exploit was to stick a banana on a wall and sell it.  After a few days of gently rotting under the glare of the lights another "artist" ate it. Everyone in the art world swooned with aesthetic delight, told themselves how simply marvellous it was and held their hands out for cheques signed by buffoons with money and leaking brains.

Oh yes, and the moron who bought the banana (though he did not eat it) was given a "certificate" to prove that he is still the owner of whatever it is that may be thought to remain. I think we need Lewis Carroll to explain the metaphysics of this one.

It is almost impossible to satirise this story. It is its own self-parody. If man eats a banana in the street, he is just a hungry bloke. If he eats it in an art gallery, he is an artist. If a bloke hides in his shed, he is just a strange bloke. If he gets himself buried under a street, he is an artist. On that basis  I demand a Turner prize because, only the other day, I stooped in the street to retie a loose shoelace as part of a performance I call "Man with loose shoelace" (sadly the vast, cheering crowd that this emotional and inspiring baring of my soul deserved was strangely absent).

In any case, everyone has got this banana business utterly wrong. There is a wonderful, inspiring, transcendent piece of art hidden in plain sight, and everyone has missed it. The placing of that piece of duct tape, the choice of that subtle yet so revealing grey colour, the imperceptible angle as it bends across the banana, the hint of an upturned edge - here is true artistry, here is talent, here is a nice little earner for handymen who even now will be rushing to their nearest branch of Screwfix to stock up on 50m rolls, canvases and those little red dots that you stick on the bottom to show you have found another mug sold it.

-&-&-&-

Art Lovers! The Ramblings Gallery announces its Winter Season.

• A man will eat a mince pie each Sunday at 4:05pm.
• See the daily putting out of the milk bottles (times vary, check with website)
• Demonstrations of advanced use of the tumble dryer by special guest artist-in-residence Mrs C.
• Sightings of the 8:27 Metropolitan Line to Baker Street (stopping at all stations)
• Certificate written in genuine crayon to all participants

Terms and conditions apply, especially the one that says that no money can be refunded should some or all of the events in the winter season fail to take place. But you will get a certificate to say you have been apprised of the T & Cs for a very reasonable small extra charge.