101 Things #54 - Whiter than White

As I build my collection of undesirable achievements, the anti-bucket list I whimsically call 101 Things I Refuse To Do Before I Die, I tend to wade straight into the attack in tearing to pieces the notions advanced by others. Today is different. When I first stumbled on a certain suggestion found on Bucket List Journey my instinct was it might be rather a good idea. Only on further examination does it turn out to be utterly unworkable. Let me share this journey of discovery with you as I explain why I must, with reluctance, refuse to entertain the idea that I should

Attend a white party.

I don't know what a white party is¹. I assume it is not some sort of social gathering held in the American Deep South to which persons of colour are ostentatiously not invited. Instead, I like to think that it must be a party to which all the attendees hold the surname White.

Now, as I do not have such a name, that appears to rule me out but let us assume that this is the whole point of it being a bucket list item for others - You gatecrash the bash, mingle with all the genuine Whites and then grab a few selfies just to prove you were there. I didn't fancy doing that much and I've never heard of such an event anyway. And then I thought - aha, what if this is a party where you invite people called White? Obviously, as the host you can attend the do, but everyone else would fit the requirement.

This was the point at which I thought this could be rather a fun thing to do. Who should I invite?  I decided it must only include people I had heard of and who had a certain degree of fame (If I were to restrict it to people in the vicinity, for example, and invite the Whites of Lower Ruislip Manor (yes, all six and the dog), the White brothers from Ruislip Common (I think they're both currently out on bail) and the Very Rev. White plus "housekeeper" from Over Ruislip-cum-Northolt, the evening would comprise a long, dull discussion about the merits of Waitrose vs Asda and why the Audi 3.6 is better than the 3.53.)

I drew up my shortlist and here it is:

Pic: biography.com	Barry White. Legendary soul singer with a deep mellow voice.
Pic: ents24.com	Jimmy White.  Top snooker player of the 1980s and 90s, six times a finalist at the World Championships and still playing.
Pic: schoolworkhelper.net	Wlward Wit (or White). Saxon Thane under King Harold, holder of the Manor of Ruislip, dispossessed after the Norman Conquest 1066, possibly died at the Battle of Hastings.
Pic: diabetes.co.uk	Timothy White Victorian chemist who founded a retail empire that persisted until takeover by Boots in 1968. Sadly no picture of him appears to have survived.
Pic: littledreamersproductions.co.uk	Snow White Queen of somewhere, rather gullible, fond of apples and small men.

There's a guest list to marvel at, eh? Sport, culture, politics, science and retailing, and a bit of royalty to impress the neighbours. Unfortunately, as keener-eyed readers will have spotted, there is a fatal flaw that undermines the scheme. We no longer have Barry, Tim or Willy amongst the living, and Snow is what we writers call a fictional character. Now, I'd be overjoyed to entertain Jimmy and perhaps I could show him a thing or two about potting those last awkward balls when you've got Steve Davis sitting in the other chair with that quizzical smirk on his face, but it wouldn't really be a party, more like two old blokes having a drink (or several).

I can't think of any other Whites, aside from my cousin Paula who is indeed a true White but not really famous enough to qualify.   On these grounds, sadly, I must decline to host or attend a White party or a party featuring any other surname of colour for that matter. Pity, really, as I happen to know that George Ultra-Violet is in town next year.

Footnote:
1. Naturally I couldn't be bothered to find out and although I asked the Editor for help, nothing was forthcoming (surprise, surprise).