Are THEY watching?

 Two weeks ago we had a few days of extremely hot weather (hot by UK standards, you understand). It came without any build-up, following a delightful week of really pleasant sunshine, a week in which, by pure coincidence, Mrs. C and I enjoyed a holiday for the first time in 18 months. But the heat did not simply fade into a typical summer, or vanish amidst thunderstorms (although there was a fair bit of rain). It was replaced by a cold snap so virulent that we, and other people of our generation, were seriously considering putting on the central heating. In June!

I am pleased to say things have now settled down to a normal British summer but at the back of my mind is one disquieting fact. The US government  is about to publish a definitive report on the existence of UFOs.

Nobody denies that unidentified flying objects exist. One of them hurtled past my ears only the other evening before disappearing mysteriously somewhere near the net curtains [Could it have been a fly? Ed]. What excites the loonies of this world is the idea that some must be alien spacecraft and that the US government knows all about them and is, perhaps, in contact with them.  Naturally, the aliens possess technologies so far in advance of our own that they can be thought capable of anything. Flying across light-years of space - no problem. Whizzing round our world undetected pretty well all of the time - a snap. Being able to land, abduct Americans, investigate their anatomies intimately and then return them without anybody else ever seeing - happens all the time.

And now we come to the crux. The aliens, who monitor all our of media closely (and I hope they find EastEnders of particular use when analysing the psychology of people who glower a lot and keep getting barred from pubs) will know all about the forthcoming report. They have kept their existence, not exactly secret, but deeply obscured, for at least 75 years.

Some suggest there is much earlier evidence, if the account in Second Kings is given credence -

 As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.

What do the aliens want? Presumably to go on probing the digestive systems of Americans and zooming around the skies in order to baffle airline pilots. They obviously derive enormous satisfaction from this and are credited with absolutely nothing else.  Would these activities be harmed by the truth being disclosed to those of us not already privy to it? Is this, in fact, why the weather has been so screwy? Are they sending us an awful warning?

Detailed, robust and painstaking research conducted here at Ramblings has established the following scenarios that pertain.

• The aliens do not want any more information about them to be released. The heat and the cold show what they can do if they are offered further provocations.
• The aliens want the information to be released. The heat and the cold are a warning that full disclosure must be made.
• The aliens want the information to be disclosed but are not happy at the thought of all the loonies going "I told you so" because, in a way, this undermines the total secrecy of the aliens' activities and make them look rather stupid. The heat and the cold are there to ensure governments round the world suppress all dissent but, so far, only the Chinese have followed them to the letter.
• The aliens don't know what they want and are having a furious debate about it with their overlords back on Tharg. As all messages can only travel at the speed of light, and Tharg is 24 light-years away, they are still waiting for a reply from a message sent in 1974 asking if they should exterminate the Bay City Rollers as a threat to the wholesomeness of the younger and more impressionable of their crew. The heat and the cold are a message to their mother ships anchored in orbit somewhere beyond Pluto and mean "Well? Yes or no? Get on with it, five-eyes!"
• The aliens really like sharp changes in temperature, such a refreshing contrast to the constant -139c temperature on their flying saucers. After a long day's medical review of the intestines of Americans, they like nothing better than to land on a deserted beach, take in the sun for a while and then don fluffy cardigans as the mercury plummets. They are worried that these activities may have to be curtailed when the report is published and so are getting in a final burst of basking and shivering before it all has to end.

We will soon know what the US government wants us to know. It doesn't really matter what they publish because the true believers in UFOs as evidence of alien spacemen will allege that the REAL facts are being covered up. And the strange contrasts in our weather will continue.

-*-*-*-*-

Readers! Do you have any stories of alien abductions in which things were inserted into parts of your body that, quite frankly, made you feel rather squeamish? Have flying saucers buzzed you while little green men leant out of the windows thumbing their noses or sticking tentacles down their outer proboscis or whatever it is that aliens do when they can go faster than you? Do you know the GRISLY TRUTH about what is REALLY going on and if so, do you dare to disclose it?

Please send in your contributions to the usual address and, provided you don't mind having thousand of goggling Thargians watching as your innermost secrets are probed with a, er, probe, you could win a holiday for two on a flying saucer. Just remember to bring your thermals!

Terms and conditions apply but as they have to be approved by the Thargian government it will take 48 years before we can let you know what they are.