Ready and Waiting

 Sky Sports, who have for some years secured the rights to broadcast football matches, have put up posters to publicise this well-worn tit-bit of useless information. Useless, because if you are the sort of person who pays to watch sports broadcasts then you already know, and if not, you don't care. But be that as it may, they have clearly fired their Head of Creative Thinking and appointed some bloke that the personnel manager met down the pub. For the slogan on the poster is

"We're ready. Are you?"

Call me a mad, wild-eyed, clutcher at straws if you must (and I know some of you are keen to have the chance) but I had assumed that a company that has spent many millions of pounds in securing its exclusive deals and which has huge experience in broadcasting and streaming sports content, would actually be ready for the start of a new football season. This is what they do. This is how they earn their money. Several weeks ago their planners would have opened up their diaries and carefully pencilled in the dates of the first matches. Then they would have written them on to the big wall-chart hanging up at the back of the office, next to the flyer about the annual outing to Canvey Island and the note begging people to kindly not take the last of the milk without replacing it, thank you very much.  Then they would have compiled a list of things to remember:

1. Cameras
2. Warm clothes in case it gets cold at night
3. Spare batteries for lights
4. Thermos flask
5. Notebook to write down names of scorers and people sent off
6. Return rail ticket
7. 500m of high-duty 600w power cable
8. Folding canvas chair
9. Sandwiches

and with that, they could go out for a long lunch in the knowledge of a job well done.  They were ready!

 That completes the first half, as it were. After the break we shall be back for all the action as we examine the second part of the slogan. Stay with us!

-&-&-&-&-&

We're back with all the action in what should be a blistering second half of excoriating invective. The question that must be faced is our state of preparation. They are ready. Are we?

I dunno. I mean, it's not really anything to do with me. Every year the football season begins more or less at this time. One has gotten used to it. But am I ready for Sky Sports being ready? No. I shall never be ready. I don't even know what they mean in this context. If I were not ready, what would be different? They will broadcast matches. I, being a non-subscriber, will not watch them and will do so in the blissful knowledge that I wouldn't watch them even if they were free. I don't want to watch their content. 

However, they have posed the question so do they expect an answer? Should I phone them, wait for the inevitable recorded message about going on their website and how important my call is etc etc before some salesperson answers:

Salesperson: "Hello, sorry to keep you waiting, how can I help

Me: Gasping a little, a catch in my throat "I'm not ready. I'm so sorry. I meant to be. I tried. But I am not. You are, you told me so, you went to the trouble of putting up a poster by the station where I had to see it. I feel I've let you down, let everybody down, I'm so miserable and I just want to kick the cat, only I haven't got one, you see how unprepared I am, help me, help me please"

Salesperson: Can I interest you in 240 channels of unspeakable tat for just £250 plus VAT a month and only £600 to pay if we are unable to provide the service and you cancel?

No, I can't go through with it. I shall remain unready. Ethelred didn't pay to watch the Northumbrians beating the hell out of the Picts and I shall follow his example.