Alert Test Hits Britain!

 It was National Emergency Test Day today. The Government planned to send a message to every mobile phone in the UK at 3:00pm, preceded by a beeping signal, and bearing the following text:

Pic: The Guardian

Mrs C. and I made sure we were seated comfortably in the living room, with the curtains drawn and a bucket of sand close by. As the witching hour drew near, we concentrated on our phones (although with the snooker in the background showing John Higgins leading Kyren Wilson 8-0 in the second round of the World Championships, it was not easy). At last it came - or any rate it did on my phone. A beeping tone for a few seconds and then the message popped up, complete with a voice over from an unidentified American female. Mrs C.'s phone remained mysteriously silent.

Naturally there was a barrage of reaction on social media. The population divided into the following groups:

1. Those who received the warning tone and the message
2. Those who received the message but only a truncated tone, just a second or so according to some
3. Those who received it one minute early
4. Those who received it late - in some cases after several minutes
   
5. Those who received nothing at all
6. Those who received it but had failed to take heed of any of the advance publicity, of which there had been plenty, and who had a shock. 
7. Those who received it but had forgotten about the advance publicity and who had a shock from which they quickly recovered.

I am disappointed that, test or not, no further action is required. For it was just three years ago that, under the guidance of  ex-prime minister B. Johnson, I went onto  high alert in the national interest.  And have remained so. Despite not receiving the regulation tin hat and armbands marked "Alert Warden", which I am fairly sure I was promised when I was recruited, I have never let my guard drop. I mentally note all suspicious movements in beautiful Ruislip and maintain a sharpened pencil close at hand to write them down, should the need arise. I peer with slitted eyes around my estate [back garden: Ed] each morning lest something sinister should have occurred during the night. My phone is always charged in case the call comes.

And now there is a national system of alerts but still I have not been given the long-awaited commission into the Alert Corps. Such a promotion, fully deserved and way overdue, would entitle one, I should think, to a proper steel hat, some stripes to be sewn onto one's jumper (Mrs C. assisting) and above all to a special phone alert that ordinary members of the public would not receive. Having that alert, say ten minutes before the real one, would give us officers time to don our hats and armbands, collect our pencils and assemble in an orderly way at strategic points in the locality, thereby to dispense directions, information and reassurance to an anxious public.

"Nothing to worry about" I would say, crisply and with effortless authority "Move along now, return to your homes or places of work, everything is in hand, well done everybody"

Nonetheless I shall carry on, undaunted, always on the alert until the all-clear finally signs and we can all go back to civvy street. I shall do my duty, God knows I can do no less. Or more. Thank you. 

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Readers! Have you been involved in any amusing or life-threatening "It happened because of the emergency alert" situations. We at Ramblings are keen to hear from you for a forthcoming blockbuster book, soon to be made into a long-running TV series (please God), called You've Been Alerted. We are looking for, in particular:

• Pilots who nearly crashed on landing due to looking down at their phone as it went off
• Cabbies who dinged into the back of the van ahead when they were startled
• Painters who left a long streak down the wall as they dropped their brush
• Mothers who took their hands off the pram handles at the top of a steep hill only to watch in horror as it hurtled down, Battleship Potemkin style before a policeman miraculously stopped it with a deft twirl of his truncheon
• Cafe proprietors left with a sopping counter top after they took off their eyes off the cup into which they were pouring coffee
• Footballers who looked up at the wrong moment and then found an opponent darting past to score (Newcastle 5 Tottenham 0 at half time today might be one such instance)
• Newsreaders who announced "And here is the three o'clock new...Oh shit what's that noise, oh bugger I'm still on air" 

And anything else that we can milk for all it's worth, especially if we can get our hands on it royalty-free. Send your submissions to the usual address. Terms and conditions apply, probably, as soon as we can think of any.