Dr. Commuter writes: Many people find it hard to express their problems in direct, face to face communication with those that can help, and turn instead to the medium of popular song to express their fears and their uncertainties. This medium with its short, repetitive lyrics and undemanding vocal skills (frequently the ability to hit just two notes is sufficient), together with the possibility of significant financial advantage should one's recordings find favour with the public, has produced some of the most searching and important questions of our time.
Here, then, are my answers to a selection of problems.
1. To Martha - No, I am not ready for a 'brand-new' beat and therefore have no interest in learning any more about what you may be getting up to out of doors. PS Do give my best wishes to the Vandellas.
2. To Ringo Starr - You already sing out of tune, so asking me what would I do if you were to do so is pointless. I shall do what I always do when any of your songs are played - switch over to the cricket.
3. To The Who. I am Dr. Commuter, that's who I am
4. To Dionne Warwick. Turn on to the B439, left at the lights, take the A49 to junction 11 of the M17, proceed to Luton Airport, catch the first flight to Los Angeles then rent a car and ask at the desk for directions. Other routes are available. Don't forget to claim your duty-frees.
5. To Various 80's artists. Yes, round about the end of December each year they are aware that it is Christmas but since most of them do not observe it, it is irrelevant.
6. To Emile Ford. I was not making eyes at you or anyone else, I happened to be suffering from a mild infection that just makes them look a bit swollen and distorted. Pass on my kind regards to the Checkmates.
7. To Rod Stewart. No.
8. To Jackie Trent. I'm over here. Here, by the door, The bloke waving his arm. Put your distance glasses on. At last. OK, waiter, she made it, let's have some drinks.
9. To Simon & Garfunkel. No, not this year, you see the car's playing up, there are road works on the B348 and I'm a bit worried about the parrot. But you guys go, have a good time, don't worry about me, bring us back a stick of rock.
10. To Dion. You're not in love. You are merely experiencing sexual desire and frustration because the object of your affections is not interested. It happens to all of us. Grow up and get over it. If you happen to see any of the Belmonts, one of them still owes me for a cup of tea.
11. To David Bowie. Probably not, unless you mean certain molecular structures able to survive in ice for thousands of years until a mild warming enables some chemical activity. But no little green men, that's right out.
12. To Peter Sarstedt. Being a busy consultant and advisor is not all work, you know. I sometimes go down the Red Pony, other times I may be found at Haringey Dog Track. I have been known to frequent Achmed's All-Nite Arcade & Fish Bar. It all depends. Anyway, I see no reason why I should account to you for my movements, you never tell me what you do.
13. To Patti Page. That one is £275, beautiful eyes eh, yes it's house-trained, lovely temperament. Too much? Well, I've got a gerbil in a box but he's getting on a bit, let you have him for a fiver, ok?
Dr. Commuter cannot enter into correspondence, unless in accord with the Terms & Conditions, details of which may be obtained by phoning at 8:00am and joining a queue, only to be told every two minutes that you could do it all online even though you can't, that you are number 83 in the queue and then being cut-off after 42 minutes.
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Editor's spoiler alert
If you really must know the source of the questions, scroll down to see the 'hot waxings' referred to:
1. Dancing in the Streets
2. With a Little Help from my Friends
3. Who Are You?
4. Do You Know The Way to San Jose?
5. Do They Know It's Christmas?
6. What Do You Want to Make Those Eyes at Me For?
7. Do Ya Think I'm Sexy?
8. Where Are You Now, My Love?
9. Scarborough Fair
10. (Why Must I Be) A Teenager in Love?
11. Life on Mars?
12. Where Do You Go To, My Lovely?
13. How Much Is That Doggie in the Window?
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