Crowdstruck

 Woke this fine, sunny morning to hear of a worldwide IT outage. Many hospitals and health services, airlines, hotels and other time-critical organisations were unable to work normally. I checked my GP's online presence and the NHS app was unable to retrieve any information from them.

Initial reports identified this as a Windows issue but it rapidly became clear it was caused by a botched update from a software supplier called Crowdstrike. They provide anti-hacking solutions. Must admit I've never heard of them but today, for all the wrong reasons, they are a household name.

Exasperated IT professionals vented their anger on the Reddit r/sysadmin forum, making two key points. Updates should not be rolled out on a Friday, and, crucially, asking whether Crowdstrike bothered to test the update, seeing how readily it has prevented Windows based systems from working. Any test would, it seems, have shown that the update was defective.

Surely the cause was not our old friend getting out of his depth....

Scene. Update Control room at Crowdstrike. Although the company is based in Austin, Texas, this is in England (just go with it, ok). A group of seasoned coders, analysts and hacking experts are crowded round a screen. Enter a fresh-faced, eager young intern.

Taz (for it is he): Gosh, guys, what's up?
Rodney: That's the code for our latest update. We're just scrolling through it and admiring the beautiful structure. See that little recursive call there? That's one of George's finest
George: Too kind, Rodders, too kind.
Rodney: And here, these curly brackets enclosing square brackets enclosing another set of curly brackets with two extra quote marks round the text string? Take a bow, Amanda
Amanda: Only up all night polishing that little lot, that's all
Taz: It's amazing stuff, really. Only Customer Services have asked me to find out when the update is going to be released. Early next week, right?
Amanda: As far as I am concerned, it's finished.
Rodney: Yup, just put a full stop after the last rem and I'm done. George?
George: I think I'll just put in a Do until x=2, x=x+1 Loop. Give the punters good measure. All done, old boy.
Amanda: Lovely work, George.
Rodney: Right, I'll just copy it to this flash drive and we can call it a day. There's a bar stool down at the Red Lion with my name on it. Might catch a bit of the Test Match. Tell you what, young feller, you can help us out. Take this and do the usual, alright?
Taz: Er, the usual...
George: That's the spirit. We'll make a programmer of you yet. Let's go, people.

They exit.

Taz: Umm...I suppose they want me to take this straight back and get it out there, get all those computers round the world updated as quick as possible. Yes, that must be it. I can tell them in Customer Services that everything has finished here so it must be ready to go. Brilliant, everyone will be happy that it is going out so fast and on a Friday too, they can rest easy over the weekend...

Shock! Horror! Local!!

 Now that my friends at Google know I live in Warwickshire, they are keen to flag up stories of local interest to me and today a snippet from Worcester News was featured.

 

 This is not the time to ponder the difference between a major and a minor milestone, or to write a begging letter to the lucky owner of the unusual coin. Our attention has to be focussed on the big cat story. This is one of the great recurring themes of local news across the country  - there is always a breathless eye-witness, a few seconds of seeing something that always runs away, never to be seen again, and no other direct evidence apart from a blurry photo now and then. I was drawn to it, however, because of the "face to face" element and had a look at the story. And this was what confronted me:

Worcester News

Terrifying, is it not? Er, no, not really. For what we have here is a stock image of a black panther, an animal indigenous to South-East Asia, and not Worcestershire at all. This is not a photograph taken by the woman in the story. It is not even claimed to be what she saw. It is just a photograph, supplied by Getty Images, that the paper chose to publish immediately under the headline.

 It turns out that this "terrifying" moment was in 2013. The woman in question was driving in the country and glimpsed, no less than 20 yards away, something big and black that moved like a cat. The animal ran off at once and vanished. No trace of it was found. 

I do not doubt that the lady saw something that disturbed her. My fascination with this classic example of crap local journalism is the the way that the newspaper has attempted to sensationalise it. She did not have a "face-to-face" encounter - she was in her car and it was in the field some way away. It did not leap on her bonnet and snarl at her through the window, flashing enormous blood-stained teeth, whilst its razor sharp claws slashed deep grooves in the paintwork. It took one look at her and was off. Perhaps it was the animal that was terrified - the motorist may have been startled. A bit.

Anyway, if you want gripping stories with a local interest that have a searing, must-read, headline that bears little resemblance to the content, read on, gentle reader, read on.

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My Inferno Nightmare - Local Pensioner's Lucky Escape

A fire somewhere else

 Grandfather of two Norman Maltravers has told us of how he narrowly missed first degree burns and loss of 95% of his skin when he visited the chip shop in Lower Bishop's Nodules. "I'll never forget it" he told our reporter "There I was, queuing up for a small cod and chips same as every Thursday when it happened! I saw one of the assistants put some fish in the deep fat fryer and I thought - Blimey, if that lot goes up, we'll all take one hell of a pasting and no mistake. The whole shop will go, I shouldn't wonder, if not half the ruddy street.". 

Fortunately there was no explosion of boiling, rancid fat to splatter flesh-tearing gobbets of liquid terror over the plucky pensioner and the two other customers. "By some miracle nothing at all happened" said a still shaken Mr Maltravers "We got out alive and with our fish suppers still intact. I went home and gave thanks for my deliverance. To this day I believe that it was the blessed Saint Peter himself who looked after me - he's the one who covers fish bars, isn't he?"

Later Mr Maltravers explained that this near fatal incident occurred "sometime in 1995, I think, or anyway round about the Queen's Jubilee celebrations". He founded a support group for others with similar experiences and is hoping to have someone join it one day.

Road Horror Heroine 

A tanker similar to the one in the crash

Keen bowls player and owner of two cats, Deirdre Flint of  Great Silage is counting her blessings today. A terrifying accident between a truck full of high explosives and a petrol tanker brought traffic to a standstill on the B347 just moments after she backed her Morris Minor into Abattoir Lane. "That could have been me" said a quivering Mrs Flint "and it was pure chance that this red-hot vortex of destruction happened on the B347 in Santa Maria province, Argentina, and not here in peaceful Warwickshire"

"If it had happened here and I was caught up in it " the battling housewife went on "I would have had no hesitation in driving away as fast as possible before phoning someone to tell them to do something about it"

Local Man Nominated for US Presidency!

 

Bumford born and bred Hartley Harrow, 47, has been nominated for the top job in America and may pose a serious challenge to Donald Trump at the Republican convention. He remains in Bumford doing his day job as assistant vice-secretary to the Bumford Allotments Society but is bursting with enthusiasm to fly to Los Angeles and start "mixing it with the Hollywood jet set and the rest of those guys".

Mr Harrow was nominated by his wife, Hilda, who wrote his name on the back of a breakfast cereal box and sent it in four months ago. "He's the right man to lead the Republicans" she enthused "He has a baseball cap and a badge that says 'President', which I made out of tinfoil and some sticky-backed plastic".

We asked if there had been any contact from the Republican party. Mr Harrow seemed doubtful but his wife pointed out that it didn't matter in the least. "You just turn up and say you want to run, and next thing you are on the platform and everyone is cheering and bursting balloons. I've seen it on the telly"

Mrs Harrow is organising a jumble sale and kids face painting to raise the funds for the air ticket and says there has been a surprising amount of support from the neighbours. 

"I'm really surprised there has been zero interest so far" she told our reporter "But that's bound to change now that the national press have picked up the story".

When it was pointed out that the convention was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, over 2,000 miles from Los Angeles, Mr Harrow remained undaunted "One of those film stars will give me a lift, they all want to be friends with America's next president". 

Asked about his policies, should he win, Mr Harrow was emphatic. "No US air base in the Bumford allotments, that is right out, I'm putting my foot down on this one. A cultural exchange between Bumford and San Francisco. The CIA to 'take out' those bastards from Great Silage who park outside our village shop on Wednesday mornings. Er, that's it for the moment.

The good wishes of all our readers go with this gallant contender.

Election 2024 - Winning By Default

It's the day after and, despite a very late night, I have dragged myself back to the pressure-cooker vortex at the hub of Ramblings Central to sum it all up. The polls were pretty much there, although the prospect of a complete annihilation of the Conservatives, that seemed possible a couple of weeks ago, receded when the exit polls were published at 10pm.  Labour have won 211 seats, the LibDems 63. The Tories have lost 250 and the SNP 38. And yet the share of the vote for each party does not reflect this huge shift. Labour's share has barely changed from the debacle of 2019. The collapse in the Tory vote is mainly down to Reform who received more votes than the LibDems but only took 5 seats. Tactical voting has been the winner of this election, with Labour performing insipidly in safe seats and much better where there was something to gain.

All those flyers and leaflets may have helped the local LibDem candidate win spectacularly here in Stratford-on-Avon. [And it is 'on' rather than 'upon'. 'On' denotes the council district and constituency, while 'upon' means the town: Ed]. Other Conservative seats with similar profiles did not fall.

A tactical election is about getting the incumbents out and accepting that whatever pattern is thrown up by the outcome is better. It is a negative way to choose a government and the result of this election is that Labour has total dominance in the House of Commons but cannot point to a popular mandate. It is going to have to tread carefully.  But not as carefully as the Conservatives. Somehow they must reestablish credibility but with which set of voters? - the incoherent "stop immigration and let's get our country back" of the Brexiteers, now given full voice by Reform, or the more traditional centrist strand, the sort represented by John Major and David Cameron in the past.

There were one or two "Portillo" moments [Older readers will recall the shock. and visceral delight of his political opponents, when the cheerleader for Thatcherite politics, but now rather decent train-loving TV presenter, was ejected from his seat at Enfield Southgate in 1997;Ed]. Liz Truss lost her safe seat in Norfolk, the coda to the strange and sudden collapse of her prime ministerial period. My favourite was Jacob Rees-Mogg ousted from North East Somerset. This was the man who, as a minister, liked to dictate to his civil servants how to use English grammar and whose latest policy wheeze was to fix the problem of unwanted immigration. This was how it was reported on the Politico website

When I came across this quote, I spent some time imagining how one might put a wall up and, crucially, which firm one might appoint to do the job. Some experience at working in damp conditions, and a really plentiful supply of bricks, would be essentials. Probably need access to at least a couple of vans and have several brickies on call. Whether Moggy would have been on hand to supply the tea and biscuits ("Six sugars, thanks, guv") or would have delegated this task to his butler is not clear. There was also the delicate question of the bill ...

"Yerse, well, squire, I know we estimated five hundred nicker, plus VAT of course, but, well, the lad made a little error in the sums, told me it would be thirty metres long. Not thirty kilometres. And nobody said nothing about a thousand fathoms of water, neither".
"I think you could been more exacting in your surveying. We did specify it was The Channel"
"Oh, yes, guv, certainly, could have been, could have been indeed. We fort you meant a channel, you know, sort of small ditch at the back of your estate, that sort of thing. But, well, there it is, what with the water getting in, and the storms, and the shifting sands, and the fish boring holes in the foundations, and that problem with the van breaking down....tell you what, call it twenty four billion and I'll let you off the extra four bags of quick-drying cement"

Rishi Sunak gracefully paid tribute to his successor and was reciprocated. After the insults of the past six weeks, this made a pleasant change. Then the "no-surprises" Cabinet appointments were made and a new government started work.

Election 2024 - The Results Are In: - It's a LibDem Landslide!

Excuse the hyperbole in the title to this piece. The "results" are the count of how many separate pieces of communication have been received from each party contesting the local seat. The outcome has never been in doubt, and, far from a last minute campaign by the outsiders to disrupt the trend, the front runner has doubled down on their formidable lead, supplying leaflets both yesterday and today (all other parties, nothing).

Here then, is the count. <clears throat, coughs, taps microphone cautiously>. I, being the returning officer for the Ramblings household in the Stratford-on-Avon constitutency do declare that the sum of the bits of paper collected from the door mat for each party is as follows.

Reform                2
Conservative       2
Labour                 1
LibDem              12
Non-political      1
Green                  0
Independent        0

and that the LibDem effort is hereby elected as the one wasting the greatest amount of paper, taking up the largest amount of space in the paper recycling bag and becoming, in the end, a bit of a bloody irritant.

Back in the real world, I was waking up drowsily to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 and was surprised, to put it mildly, to hear the Conservative spokesman in the flagship interview spot concede the election. He said they were going to lose. 

 “I have accepted that where the polls are at the moment – and it seems highly unlikely that they are very, very wrong, because they’ve been consistently in the same place for some time – that we are therefore tomorrow highly likely to be in a situation where we have the largest majority that any party has ever achieved,” he told the BBC Radio 4 Today programme. (source: London Evening Standard)

This was not some off-the-rails intern fronting for Conservative Central Office - it was the work and pensions secretary Mel Stride.

This is very odd behaviour. Politicians are normally required to smile, shake their heads gently and say "Of course the only votes that count are those cast in the ballot box" right up to the point that the polls are shown to be roughly correct, and then they can say either they are proud to have the overwhelming mandate of the entire country (based on a 35% share of the vote) or that their policies were absolutely the right ones but they just failed to get their message across and they will do better next time, especially once the other lot have mucked everything up.

It would be hilarious if millions of voters are playing the old lie-to-the-pollsters game to the hilt and a disbelieving Rishi Sunak is back in Downing Street on Friday morning. I would love to hear him explain to Mr Stride his position in the new government (grovelling on the floor and lashing himself with a cat'o'nine tails, I should imagine). But I suspect that the polls are reasonably sound and that a huge change in the political landscape is about to occur.