Dr Commuter Recommends ... Wasp Therapy

 

Dr Commuter writes: All living beings experience anxiety. Sometimes these fears are well-founded, sometimes the concerns are irrational and can be greatly reduced by the right treatment. Take the case widely reported in the media yesterday. A swarm of wasps, terrified by their inability to control a simple two-wheeled vehicle,  vented their innate anger on an innocent man who, sadly for him, was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Of course, wasps are not known for their biking exploits; indeed, some can barely manage a bicycle or even a child's scooter. This may result in inferiority complexes, which can be managed with a suitable course of therapy and drugs. At first the wasps will sulk, unwilling to communicate and beating their heads against windows. Gradually they calm down, accepting spoonfuls of jam whilst a non-threatening vehicle such as a skateboard is introduced. Soon the bolder wasps will try riding the skateboard and this example encourages the rest. They begin to gain confidence and this in turn reduces their fear and the resulting outbreaks of violence. Of course, they will never master how to change gear or indicate a right turn on a motorbike, but they will no longer exhibit a psychotic reaction when they see a human doing so.

Wasps are just one species that can benefit from psychotherapy. Ants suffer depression when confronted with pedestrian controls for traffic lights; millipedes are scared by pogo sticks; spiders are morbidly attracted to drainpipes. It does not help when unthinking children laugh at them, or hit them with sticks. We should always encourage insects to stretch their abilities, not deflate their egos and compound the trauma.

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 Supporting these unhappy creatures is vitally important work. You can help. Send whatever you can to the Dr Commuter Clinic For Our Six-legged Friends. Your donation will enable important, on-going research to continue, in particular our studies of whether grasshoppers develop schizophrenia when a researcher samples single-malt whisky and why stag beetles are unable to cope with 9 course tasting menus at 3 star Michelin restaurants. Future projects (given sufficient funding) will consider anxiety in roaches on the French riviera and the best ocean cruises for ladybirds to relax on.