Portents of Doom

Whilst the terms of a possible new deal between the UK and the EU are being scrutinised and the people of the Americas begin planning defences against the Zika virus, some of us have been forced to focus on a story that grips to the very marrow.  I shall not go into details for fear of unncessarily distressing some of my more sensitive followers but let this sinister panel, clipped from today's BBC website, tell its own, blood-curdling, story.

Oh, my jammy dodgers and ginger nuts, my custard creams and rich teas, my garibaldies and bourbons of long ago. Washed away in the rising waters and lost to us, abandoned on the flood and drifting helplessly into the gathering murk of a winter's night, never to be dunked again. We hear their pitiful cries of distress but can do nothing. We must be strong to bear this, e'en as we have born disaster of yore. Who can forget the terrible months of the Branston pickle shortage? Whatever happened to the dark chocolate Penguin? Have the faith, my people. Surely the biscuits will come back to us over the foaming deep, one day, one wonderful day of hope in the glorious future.

Whether floods can actually spark anything is a fascinating question into which, I fear, I do not have the time or patience adequately to explore. [Technically no, unless a live electrical appliance is in contact with the water and there is some other apparatus in which a spark might be induced. Or something. But even then it would be the appliance doing the sparking not the floods. OK? Ed.]

Shock! Man dies! Leaves money to his family!!

Good evening and here is the news

A popular singer, Mr. D Bowie, who became deceased recently, has left his estate to his family. Our arts correspondent says "This has once again shown how revolutionary and important he was and people will be talking about this for a long time to come, or perhaps for ever". Our finance correspondent adds "He certainly left more money than most people will, so this is jolly interesting for anyone keen on knowing about people with more money than they have".

In other news, at least three people in Manchester have visited a chip shop in the last four hours, some trains are running, the seas continue to be wetter than the land and a Government health spokesman has warned members of the public to "wrap up warm" if it becomes cold.

And now more on our top story. Jeremy Grapeshot reports from New York
"It's still bloody cold here following the massive blizzard last week but everyone's heart will beat a little faster with the thought that, if they had married Mr. Bowie, they would now be a lot richer than before".


That, you will be delighted to hear, is the end of the news.

A spot of the balmies

It seems fair to follow up my previous, meteorologically-themed post, with an update. There may be record-breaking blizzards in North America but we enjoyed positively spring-like conditions today in beautiful Ruislip with the temperature reaching an amazing 14c. The unceasing storms and rain of December and the first part of this month have give way to a bit of cloud here and bit of drizzle there, sufficient to keep the back of my garden slightly flooded (and by slight I mean just a bit of standing water that refuses to go away), but nothing whatsoever to worry about. We did get some real snow the other day but it lasted barely the morning. That might be it this year but of course there's a fair way to go yet.

Speaking of balmies, there are barmies on the horizon as the British Government pursues its quest to renegotiate the terms under which the UK is a member of the EU and we have the fascinating prospect of the Conservative party about to rip itself apart. Several leading members of the Government have declared themselves against it, no matter what Mr. Cameron may achieve in his exhausting and seemingly endless jaunts around Europe trying to drum up support. The latest news is that he might go for a referendum in the early summer, thus irritating the Scottish Nationalists because it will overshadow elections there. But if he delays till the autumn then the split in his party will be revealed in full at the party conference because no elections can ever be held between mid-June and the end of September.

The only sensible referendum would be one where voters could choose between a range of policies but we won't get that. Arguably only people who actually know what the EU is and have some idea about how it works, what it costs and how it is likely to be changed in future should be permitted to vote but we won't get that either. (This is not like voting for an MP, who you know you can chuck out in five years if you have to).  It will be a yes/no and much legal time will be spent on the precise wording. If Mr. Cameron has his way it will read
"Do you agree with the Government's very sensible terms that will guarantee a prosperous future for all within the EU?";
and if his critics win out it will read
"Do you agree that Britain faces utter ruin if it remains in the EU any longer no matter what those cunning foreigners might pretend to concede to us?".

In any case nobody will have the slightest idea whether we will be better off in or out because nobody can predict the future so the whole exercise is daft. I suppose I will have to continue commenting on it because the decision matters, not least because a No vote will inevitably lead to the breakup of the UK because, if one should occur, then sooner or later Scotland will have a second independence referendum, on the grounds that a majority of them wish to remain the EU so why the hell should they follow England out.

It is a cruel irony that the leader of what used to be the "Conservative and Unionist" party should be so keen to jeopardise the Union and his attempts to prevent it will of great interest.

A touch of the chills

After a mellow autumn and almost balmy December, it has turned decidedly nippy. The little pond out back froze over for the first time in ages last night and has remained thus, with the mercury hovering around 1c all day. It was pretty bracing on the terraces at Wealdstone FC's home game as well when we did our usual thing of scoring early and conceding a tame one at the death but at least we got a draw. It's always depressing to trudge back through the near-deserted streets of beautiful Ruislip in the freezing cold when your team has been beaten.

Botanists should be watching this spring with great interest. Will the freeze do strange things to the many plants that think that winter is over?

What's In A Name?

I have decided to reinvent myself as a styling consultant. I believe that this occupation generates plenty of cash and respect from business. Should any prospective clients wish to engage my services, then be advised that until a six figure sum, first class travel to an exotic location with an all-expenses paid month away for myself and my glamorous assistant (Mrs. C with her sunglasses on) and a stake in the equity are on the table, I will be unavailable for contact.

Just to demonstrate my awesome powers and fitness for this challenging new role, I have set myself the mission to rebrand the offspring of two forthcoming marriages, or to put it another way, the businesses resulting from a couple of massive mergers in the pipeline.

First - telecoms giant BT is seeking to take over telecoms, er, giant, EE. This is a no-brainer. I give you telecoms even-bigger-giant BEET!

Second, if the proposed merger of telecoms giant [this is getting boring now: Ed] O2 with another significantly larger than usual concern, Three, should go ahead then I suggest a choice of either 5! (with or without exclamation mark, there is no extra charge for it) or 3O2 (having a capital "O" rather than a 0 is really trendy and clever, as well as making it tricky to type thus helping to establish the brand).  Purists might argue that O2O2O2 would be even cleverer but I think it would prove too irritating. O23 has to be ruled out as being too similar to the definitely unfashionable M23 [a short motorway in southern England: Ed] and too confusing for children.

Pretty good stuff, I hope you'll agree. I am now turning my attention to the monster that will be created from the merger of supermarket colussus Sainsbury's with discount warehouse behemoth Argos. If we cunningly extract the "ain" from the first and the "arg" from the second, then with a little sleight of hand, we can have Bargain. Or Bargainbury's if a more traditional name is felt to be more appropriate. I picture Mr. Bargainbury with his mutton-chop whiskers and blue-and-white striped apron standing proudly outside his grocery emporium in 1878 and his wife, in suitable bonnet and shawl, handing out thick catalogues to passers-by. A brass band plays softly in the background. A modern day celebrity -surely Rob Brydon will up for it, he doesn't seem to care what else he is associated with - pops into view saying "As good as it's always been. Shop where Queen Victoria might have shopped, had she ever popped out for a slice of a bacon and a cheap watch.".

That's a good morning's work completed. Time for a coffee. Catch you later, folks.