What's In A Name?

I have decided to reinvent myself as a styling consultant. I believe that this occupation generates plenty of cash and respect from business. Should any prospective clients wish to engage my services, then be advised that until a six figure sum, first class travel to an exotic location with an all-expenses paid month away for myself and my glamorous assistant (Mrs. C with her sunglasses on) and a stake in the equity are on the table, I will be unavailable for contact.

Just to demonstrate my awesome powers and fitness for this challenging new role, I have set myself the mission to rebrand the offspring of two forthcoming marriages, or to put it another way, the businesses resulting from a couple of massive mergers in the pipeline.

First - telecoms giant BT is seeking to take over telecoms, er, giant, EE. This is a no-brainer. I give you telecoms even-bigger-giant BEET!

Second, if the proposed merger of telecoms giant [this is getting boring now: Ed] O2 with another significantly larger than usual concern, Three, should go ahead then I suggest a choice of either 5! (with or without exclamation mark, there is no extra charge for it) or 3O2 (having a capital "O" rather than a 0 is really trendy and clever, as well as making it tricky to type thus helping to establish the brand).  Purists might argue that O2O2O2 would be even cleverer but I think it would prove too irritating. O23 has to be ruled out as being too similar to the definitely unfashionable M23 [a short motorway in southern England: Ed] and too confusing for children.

Pretty good stuff, I hope you'll agree. I am now turning my attention to the monster that will be created from the merger of supermarket colussus Sainsbury's with discount warehouse behemoth Argos. If we cunningly extract the "ain" from the first and the "arg" from the second, then with a little sleight of hand, we can have Bargain. Or Bargainbury's if a more traditional name is felt to be more appropriate. I picture Mr. Bargainbury with his mutton-chop whiskers and blue-and-white striped apron standing proudly outside his grocery emporium in 1878 and his wife, in suitable bonnet and shawl, handing out thick catalogues to passers-by. A brass band plays softly in the background. A modern day celebrity -surely Rob Brydon will up for it, he doesn't seem to care what else he is associated with - pops into view saying "As good as it's always been. Shop where Queen Victoria might have shopped, had she ever popped out for a slice of a bacon and a cheap watch.".

That's a good morning's work completed. Time for a coffee. Catch you later, folks.