The World's Shortest Warranty

I bought a laptop the other day. A standard HP model. Today a message popped up to inform me that "Your HP warranty has expired" and that the "expiry date" was 13/01/17. So this computer came with a manufacturer's warranty that automatically expires the moment you switch it on for the first time. Impressive stuff. Guaranteed to earn a repeat order (he wrote, sarcastically).

To describe what they wish me to renew as a warranty is as close to a scam as you can get (though clearly not in any way illegal, I hasten to add). What they want is for me to sign up to a support scheme whereby I pay them upfront and they guarantee nothing except they might answer the phone in order to read standard scripts back. You know the scene:

Me: I've got a problem, here is the detailed description including error message numbers, all the steps I have so far taken to remedy it and my diagnosis based on reading 50 pages of other users with similar problems writing about them on your official support forum.
Them: Have you downloaded the latest drivers?
Me: Yes.
Them: Have you rebooted it?
Me: Yes.
Them: I need to escalate this to my manager. I'll get back to you. phone disconnnects

I'm not going down this road to frustration. I've got a warranty from the seller and normal consumer law applies. Whatever it was that magically ended its life the day I went down the mall,  I don't care.

Snow Chaos Slams UK as the Big Freeze Strikes...

... or so you might think if you casually glanced at the news this last couple of days. The army on standby in the coastal areas of Lincolnshire. Commuters braving it through the blizzards in Scotland. Dogs frolicking in the snow. And, er, that seems to be about it. Here in beautiful Ruislip we had enough snow to put a light dusting on the lawns and cars on Thursday night and it was gone by Friday mid-morning. The storm surges that threatened flooding on the east coast did not materialise. And all the pretty pictures of the white stuff shrouding the Highlands, Lakes and Peaks could hardly be much of a surprise, we do normally get some this time of the year over the higher parts of the country.

It has been far too warm for snow to have any impact. A few days ago the early morning frost required a fair bit of de-icer on the car windscreen; yesterday pretty well the whole lot slid off as soon as I applied the first touch of the scraper.

Don't Read This Now

Fascinating to see that a BBC story about the problem of procrastination, particularly with respect to students failing to address themselves to their studies, should feature a professor whose YouTube video on the subject has proved very popular. For these days, when you go to YouTube, you are required to waste time watching adverts before the video of your choice is made available. If, like me, you automatically look away when ads are thrust before you, what displacement activity do you select? There's all the other videos that YouTube will suggest, based on things you've watched before. Yes, one or two could be worth following up; oh, there's that very funny one I saw a while ago, why not go to that one first. Blimey, here's a link to an old TV show I used to really like, must check this one out, hold on, wasn't there something I was supposed to be doing, better check my online calendar, ah yes, doctor's appointment in a couple of days, that's not going to clash with that meeting is it? Better check my emails just in case, no it's ok but wow, someone I know slightly has just had a very special sandwich and put up photos on Instagram, let's have a squint, and while I'm here, anything new on Twitter? I see that sandwich has been featured again and three people have liked it, how very cool and interesting, weather seems to be settling in, and wasn't there something I was meant to be doing, oh yeah, how not to put off things, now where was that again? I'll watch it later. If I can be bothered.

A Gong for Ray

Ray Davies was awarded a knighthood in the New Year honours. If the name means nothing to you then read no further. For those of us of a certain age, he was the perfect antidote to the (mainly American) manufactured pop singers of the 1960s. Unlike almost all of his contemporaries on either side of the Atlantic, Ray wrote songs about Britain and sang them in an English accent. The Kinks were never as musically brilliant as the Beatles, as exciting as the Who or innovative as the Pink Floyd but they produced a body of work (nearly all written by Ray with some by brother Dave) that spoke directly to me as a teenager growing up in the sixties. Ray would never have written a line like "JoJo left his home in Tucson, Arizona" (Get Back, The Beatles) or droned on about how he missed Massachussets (The BeeGees) or claimed to have met a "gin-soaked, bar room queen in Memphis" (Honky Tonk Women, The Rolling Stones). He sang about people trapped in poverty dreading the knock for the rent (Dead End Street), the fragility and charm of English culture (Village Green Preservation Society LP) and the simple pleasures of seaside holidays, football and beer (Autumn Almanack). His heroes did not find glamour in New York, LA or Paris - they met amidst the crowds outside a tube station (Waterloo Sunset) and his antiheroes chased the moment in vain (Dedicated Follower of Fashion) or found success unbearable (Sunny Afternoon, End of the Season). And who has ever written a love song based on meeting your girl for a cup of tea (Afternoon Tea)? Ray Davies, Sir Ray, did.

Still with us

A lot of famous people seem to have died in 2016, several unexpectedly. Let's try to balance out the picture by remembering those who are still with us and who will surely be green in our memories for a long time to come, if not forever. [Poetic exaggeration allowed, as it's Xmas: Ed].

• What's 'is face, you know, the big bloke off the telly. Wears suits. He's still going strong. Isn't he?¹
• That girl who plays kooky characters in those US sitcoms. Or was it straight characters in kooky US sitcoms? You must know who I mean. Her mum played golf.²
• The comedian, you must know him, does a lot of ads for floor polish.Terribly funny. Everyone knows his catchphrase - "Good evening ladies and gents". Brings the house down.³
• That really famous politician, brought out her memoirs last year, catchy title like "Why I should be Queen" or something. Won an election with the slogan "Vote for me".⁴
• That band, you know, jump and up down in time to the music, some of them can actually mime quite well, had a really fantastic tour of  that country, where is it now? you know the one, quite hot but lots of sandy beaches.⁵
• The footballer, scored a goal once, funny hairdo, says "er" quite a lot. Unforgettable.⁶
•  That woman, you remember, over the papers a couple of years ago, comes from Bootle. Or was it Barnstaple. Anyway, it began with a 'B'. Or was it a 'D'? Might be Droitwich now I come to think of it. Wore a dress. Black tights. Or was it a trouser suit? ⁷
• Oh, that terribly witty chap, always on chat shows and has this wonderful daily column in The Sun. Or was it dropped? Actually, might have been The Telegraph. Or am I thinking of The Telegram? Or Gramophone. One of those really up to date titles.  Got loads of followers on Twitter. Or he used to have, not sure if he does it now. Didn't he change sex and then leave all his clothes on a beach and go off to Australia? Or was that his look-alike?⁸
 

Anyway, they're all still gracing us with their presence (or is that presences?) and they can't take those wonderful memories away from us no matter how many dodgy referendums they hold.

Footnotes
[Just to show some of us are still capable of doing some proper research, even if we've been sent on unpaid gardening leave during the so-called festive season: Ed]

1. He was the dodgy policeman who got knifed at the start of "Send for Inspector Blackthorn", episode 3.
2. Handicap of 73. Favoured a number 7 iron but tended to hook a little.
3. Also was the voice of that animated towel in the ad for Hildebrand's Towel Softeners
4. Currently writing her new book of inspirational speeches, provisionally titled "Listen to me"
5. Not Peru. Definitely. One of them got a stomach bug in Columbia and they cancelled the Machu Pichu gig.
6. Also used to look into the camera as the teams came out at the start.
7. Or a kilt.
8.No, it was him. His look-alike went to Morocco by mistake.