The Farage Defence

Source: BBC

Older readers may recall the now-infamous trial of Ernest Saunders and associates. They were accused of fraudulently manipulating the share price of Guinness plc during the 1986 takeover battle for Distillers Company plc. Saunders and co were found guilty but he later appealed on the grounds of having Alzheimer's disease and was left off the remaining part of his prison sentence. However, as Wikipedia and other sources baldly state "he subsequently recovered".

The thing is, the recovery rate from Alzheimer's is zero. You don't recover from it. The best you can hope for is to control the onset.  

The "Saunders Defence" has become a byword for falsely pleading insanity to evade or mitigate criminal responsibility. But of course, once one selects this option, one must go through with it. You cannot, as a high-profile individual, say "Yes, I may have chucked that brick through the jewellers and scarpered with a fistful of diamond rings, but let me off, Your Worship, I'm a raving loony" and continue as Bishop of Slough, whether found guilty or not. 

Forget the Saunders. We now have a much more elegant way to commit certain crimes and get away with it. And what a wonderful example we have. Nigel Farage MP was recorded in a conversation about breaking UK electoral law by receiving money from persons not eligible to vote here. He cannot deny the evidence. Is he bang to rights? Of course not. Our Nigel has the perfect Get Out of Jail Free card. He wasn't listening. He didn't hear a word. He may have nodded here and there, smiled appropriately, maybe even fist-bumped or made other exulting gestures, but his brain processed not a jot of potential skullduggery. There is no case to answer. 

If only this had been known before....

Scene: Tower of London, November 7th 1605

Sir Robert Cecil, Earl of Salisbury: "Guido or Guy Fawkes, you were present at a meeting with Robert Catesby, Thomas Winter and other conspirators in a tavern earlier this year. Did you conspire to use gunpowder to blow up the Houses of Parliament when his majesty the King would be present?"

Guy Fawkes: "Yeah, I might have been, I went to a lot of pubs. Can't always remember who was where, you know, have a few drinks, memory gets a bit hazy, know what I mean?" 

Cecil: We know this meeting took place. We know the names of the damned rebels and their advisors, the Jesuits acting directly on the orders of the anti-Christ, the so-called Pope of Rome.

Fawkes: If you say so, guv. Didn't really notice.

Cecil: Treason was discussed, the wickedest kind of violence against the sacred person of our King, and you fail to recall it? You ask me to believe that?

Fawkes: Well, I wasn't really listening, was I? You see, I had a lot on my mind, there's this bird down Pudding Lane and her and me, well, I was all right for that night, if you get my drift, Your Worship.

Cecil: Damnable treason, mortal sins are being talked out but you did not hear it? I..I suppose it is possible. Yes, that must be the case. But you were found skulking under the Parliament House with a lighted match amidst thirty eight barrels of gunpowder. Is this not treason?

Fawkes: Oh that. Yes, you see the thing is, this gent Thomas Percy, he asked me to check everything was all right, just tidy up a bit and that. I didn't really hear what he was saying because I had this groat bet on the bear in the baiting at Southwark tomorrow, and I thought, if I won, I might get my bird something from the fish market, bit of eel, few cockles, lovely stuff, eh your Exaltedness?

Cecil: I see. Your pleading is unanswerable. You are clearly guilty of no crime. Very well, you are free to go.  to himself I don't think the king is going to like this.

 

 

 

Spot the Sport

 

Source: BBC

The leader of the Conservative Party, Kemi Badenoch, was quoted today in a speech attacking government policies as having said that "defence spending is being kicked into the long grass".  We here at Ramblings have a fondness for inappropriate, sporting clichés (for example, this piece) but usually one has some idea as to the sport being referenced. For example, the ever-popular, and usually misunderstood, "stepping up to the plate" does refer to baseball (and not to the bravery of a waiter stooping to collect an item of crockery covered in gravy and spat-out bits of gristle).

However, Ms Badenoch's phrase has us stumped, if I may switch to a British sport. What activity is she referring to? It cannot be football, whether association, rugby union, rugby league, Australian rules or Gaelic, for none of these have areas of long grass as part of the playing area, and should the ball be kicked out of the playing area then the other side usually gain an advantage. Badenoch seems to think that kicking the ball into the long grass means attention shifts elsewhere. It does not, it shifts to the opposition.

Other grass-based activities are even harder to incorporate into the "kicking away" theme. In lawn tennis, when played on a grass court, one does not kick the ball away unless prepared to be docked a point. In golf, where there is plenty of long grass, kicking the ball during play would mean a one-stroke penalty (and perhaps being disciplined) and kicking it between holes would achieve nothing bar requiring the hapless caddy to run after it. Similarly with netball, basketball, lacrosse and hockey, should there be any long grass handy, kicking the ball into it is futile.

As to other ball-based sports, I am struggling to accommodate long grass, or grass of any length, to snooker, table-tennis, marbles or beach volleyball. 

Badenoch could perhaps have said "he's playing for time", or "he is arguing with the ref but he'll get no comfort from that quarter" or "Long shout there but the umpire is not interested", or "he's putting on even more sails but is still steering straight for that whirlpool" (from a yet-to-be-invented sport of dangerous yachting). But she could actually have said in clear English what she wants us to understand - in her opinion key decisions on spending are being delayed to the detriment of our national defence. There, not a cliché in sight. Certainly smashed that one for six.

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Readers! Can you assist Kemi Badenoch with some sharp and relevant sporting metaphors with which to browbeat her opponents and win guaranteed headlines in the media? Send in your suggestions to the usual address. In the opinion of the editor, the metaphor packing the punch, the one that really hits the ball out of the park and produces the most incredible finish will win the much-coveted Ramblings Right Between The Sticks award, a certificate that says so and a chance to meet [Ed, put some suitable name in here and remember to delete this bit].

Terms and Conditions apply, subject to the adjudication of a fourth official who is required to review anything the President of the United States tells her to review, the wishes of the sponsors and the whims of the CEO. The chance to meet [and here, Ed] is dependant on them being happy to do so on our behalf for a pittance. You will definitely receive a certificate once we get the photocopier working.