Patronising Tweet of the Day

 This little gem appeared on my Twitter feed the other day

How awfully kind of those nice chaps and lady chaps at Mastercard (an organisation with which I currently do no business whatsoever). Let us examine the two elements of this, thankfully short, exhortation.

 However you spend each day with Debit Mastercard - what a delightfully laissez-faire, mellow and friendly attitude. We don't care what you do with our card, they seem to be saying, you can stuff it in your pocket or use it to sculpt pottery¹. Perhaps grip it tightly between two knuckles to add extra bite to your forehand jab when street-fighting, or try flicking it sideways and see if you can decapitate a pigeon, Oddjob-style.   It's entirely up to you. 

Note the intrusion of the word "day". I mean, I have credit cards and use them now and then but I don't exactly spend the day with them. I have my life to lead and doubtless they do their own, plastic², thing, perhaps being condescending to my loyalty cards whilst having a mutually respectful relationship with my driving licence. I don't wake up and think "It's a lovely day, how shall I make best of it?, I know, I'll go out with the cards, it'll be such fun". If I need a credit or debit card, I extract it grudgingly from my wallet, plonk it on the reader and then put it away before it starts having ideas about the two of us going for a drink and having a really deep and stimulating conversation.

Anyway, the "however" makes the first phrase somewhat otiose anyway, because clearly it doesn't matter what I and the cards actually get up to. So onto the meat of the gist.

"Spend it doing what matters most to you".  Yes. Sure. I wasn't going to. I thought I would do a few things that really are utterly repugnant, then some irrelevant stuff and finally maybe ask around on social media for ideas about what matters most to others. But Mastercard have cut clear through the fog and put a glaring searchlight on the crux. I should do what matters to me.

I really don't know what the people³ who compose these homilies do all day. They obviously don't inhabit the world that you and I do. They must actually think that, unless they give some instruction in how to live, we would make a hash of it. I have news for them. I shall do what matters most to me and and I shall do it whether they tell me or not. Not only that, I shall do it without spending a single instant of my day with my Debit Mastercard, because I don't have one and I am certainly not going to apply for one, because then I would be doing something that doesn't matter most to me.

The end result of this tweet has been to irritate me and to antagonise me against the brand of Mastercard. Well done, guys. You only had one job and you blew it.

 -&-&-&-&-&-&-

 Footnotes

1. This is a real thing, I went on a pottery course years ago and cards were highly recommended for moulding wet clay.

2. I so wanted to use the word "plasticky" here but it doesn't seem to exist.

3. I assume our old friend Taz has got himself another summer internship

The One-Day Heatwave

 A plume of Saharan air brought temperatures of 32c in the south-east yesterday and left us with a fairly stifling night. Normally one might expect several days of heat but today a thick band of cloud kept it cool all day and as I write, at 7:00pm, it is actually below 13c. 

The desert air left its mark on my car, sadly. We had some thin rain this afternoon and now it is covered in dust. I'm not happy. I took it to the car wash a couple of weeks ago (actually included as part of my annual car service because the garage seems to have contracted out its traditional valeting) and it looks like I shall have to get the old bucket and sponge out.

The Met Comes Good

 Here's something not seen that often. The RMT union has called a strike today and most of the stations in central London are shut. Every one of the traditional tube lines has either no service or a "special" service (meaning very long gaps between trains). Except one. The good old Met appears to be running normally. Which, given that I need to travel on it fairly shortly between beautiful Ruislip and Finchley Road, is rather nice.

Tube status at 11:00am

Back To The Crush

 I had to attend the funeral of a friend today. The ceremony was in West Norwood, a delightful cemetery amidst lushly planted grounds but of course there was the little problem of getting there. I hate driving into London and naturally chose to go by public transport, using the tube to reach Victoria and then the novelty of a trip on Southern railways.

Southern was splendid. The train was clean and comfortable, with sensible announcements (including saying which carriage one was in, useful info for the short-length stations where some carriages do not open their doors), it left on time and arrived on time.

The journey on the tube was less convivial. Though I began my journey shortly before 10:00 from beautiful Ruislip, the Met was fairly busy when it arrived and damn near full by Harrow. Being too close to people in confined spaces still makes me nervous - the country has become used to the covid pandemic but I still want to minimise any chance of catching it. I did not expect the train to be so well-used at that sort of time.

The plan was to transfer to the Jubbly at Finchley Road. We arrived to find an empty one waiting for us. I should have realised... as I and many others swiftly crossed the platform in search of a seat, we were told that due to a person under a train at Green Park, the train was going nowhere. So about-face and back to the still-waiting Met only now my seat had been taken. 

Oh well, I stood in the crowded carriage to Baker Street and transferred to the Bakerloo. Though it was now well after ten, still the platforms were thick with people and it was a push just to get into the train. At Oxford Circus I made the easy crossing to the Victoria Line and blow me, that was also jam-packed, though at least quite a few left at Green Park.

Coming back, around 16:30, was fairly similar, although the Jubbly was now running again but it was still standing room on the Viccy, the Jubbly and the Met (until Wembley Park.)

The Elizabeth Line (aka Crossrail) finally opened for business last week. It was built to relieve the enormous pressure on the Central Line for east-west travel. Seems like a new one rotated at 90° would be handy as well.

Dr. Commuter advises ... Aspiring NATO Members

 Dr. Commuter writes:  Everyone likes to feel wanted and part of a group. This is as just as true for entire nations as for individuals. These days NATO is very popular and more countries are thinking about joining all the time.  The BBC have even been forced to consider how one goes about this.

BBC Website 12 May 2022

Well, it turns out that it is really quite straightforward. You just need to fill out the application form, mail it off with your first year's subscription ($1 billion for larger countries, $400 million if population is under 30 million) and, if you pass the scrutiny of the Membership Committee, you should be in the club in no time.

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NATO APPLICATION FORM

Name of country................................................................................
Previous names if former colony or has recently declared independence
................................................................................................
Size of army.................... (in divisions)
Size of navy ................... (in ships; do not include rowing boats, pedalos or any vessel called Something McSomethingFace)
Size of air force.................(in planes)
 

Are you happy to have cruise missiles on your territory -     underline your answer from one of the following:
    Yes, if we have to / Of course, the more the merrier  / Already got some but don't mind a few more
 

Do your armed forces have a really fashionable and cool uniform and, if so, is it all right if other members borrow the style?
 

Are you currently invading anyone? - If yes, please give details in covering letter
 

Are you ruled by a mad dictator / revolutionary committee of people's justice / divinely-appointed monarch / infallible Prophet? If any of these apply, we will send you a few further questions later.
 

How do you feel about the borders of your country and those nearby? Tick one answer

• They are okay
• Some minor revisions would be helpful, you know, just to tidy up some scruffy bits, but no major changes are envisaged
• Historical anomalies must be corrected and those who have subverted the sacred soil of the Motherland be consigned to the lower circles of hell
• The glorious cause of our people knows no boundaries and all countries must, one day, be included within the bounds of our ever-growing empire

Do you accept the Terms and Conditions of NATO membership (see 658 page appendix)?    

Please remember to include a working email address and a telephone number where we may contact you. 

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Dr. Commuter is also available to advise any country that would like to join the EU, Eurovision, UEFA or Interpol.