Thule is now Roman: Casca

Senator Casca, the close associate of Roman Imperator Senator Cassius, departed from Ostia this morning at the head of a fleet of galleys bound for Ultima Thule, writes our correspondent who just can't get the taste of garum out of his mouth. Speaking to a small crowd of dock workers and slaves, the Senator said he was going to wrest control of Thule from the Thulians and bring it under Roman control.  Pouring a libation to Neptune (and tasting most of it himself), he proclaimed that nothing could stop him. With banners flying, and to the triumphant sound of many trumpets, the fleet departed.

Two hours later the galleys returned and Senator Casca made a short address to a gathering of a few fish wives and donkey drivers. "We made excellent progress" he announced "but unfortunately nobody knows where Thule is, so we return to seek the guidance of the gods". He then sought out the leading importer of Greek wines for "important talks".

It is believed messengers rode swiftly to Rome and returned within the hour. People loitering outside the wine shop claim to have heard raised voices and the phrase "Cassius says get back out there or it will be your turn to get a dagger up the toga".

Shortly afterwards the Senator emerged on the dock, declared that Mars had shown him the way, drank several libations intended for Neptune and made his unsteady way up the gangplank to his flagship. The fleet then departed, under the Senator's comand of "Left hand down a bit" and a couple of bugle calls.

Towards the middle of the afternoon the galleys returned. Sen. Casca was assisted ashore on the arms of two Nubian slaves and stood weaving a little on an empty dockside (save for your correspondent) before proclaiming that Thule was conquered, Senator Cassius was now worshipped there as a god, and that he, Casca, was going to spend some private time on his estates. He then rode away to an unspecified destination.

Parthia: Not concerned about Thule

Reports from traders arriving from the East say that the Parthian authorities are "relaxed" about Rome's claim to Ultima Thule. Comments include "They can do what they want there", "Hopefully they will all drown at the ocean's edge" and "We'll take Syria, let them have Thule, Britannia and any other waste land they like".

Cassius: Massive leak of entire war plans "Not a problem"

 Imperator Cassius has dealt swiftly with those accusing his administration of "incompetence beyond even the Batavians", following the disclosure that a complete set of scrolls containing the entire Roman order of battle, plans for the invasion of Parthia and conquest of China, as well as the occupation of Ultima Thule, were handed over to the Parthian ambassador two weeks ago writes our correspondent, who is still trying to find someone to launder his toga. Senator Cassius, speaking in the Senate yesterday said "I don't know what the fuss is about. Those Parthians can't even read. They won't have the faintest idea what to do with the scrolls. Sure, there are details about how the XIV Legio will march east from Aleppo whilst the XII Legio with auxiliaries strike north up from Damascus but the gods will surely protect our troops who even now are assuredly scattering the enemy and laying waste their cities".

Asked if this meant Rome was now at war with Parthia, the Imperator said "I am dedicated to peace and will never break a treaty sworn solemnly before Jupiter. Those troops are simply there for our security and to prevent Parthians from illegally crossing the border".

Questioned by Senator Cicero as to how Parthians could illegally cross a border when Rome and Parthia did not in fact have a common border, the Imperator took some time to consult with a scribe, then accused the Senator of being a "bottom-dwelling scum of a journalist" and refused to answer further questions. 

---------Breaking News---------

According to sailors newly arrived from Antioch, the XIV legio has been wiped out by an ambush on the Aleppo road, the XII legio is surrounded by an army that "came out of nowhere" and the auxiliaries have mysteriously all resigned and gone back to being farmers. 

Pythons in Space

Customer: Good Morning, I wish to register a complaint.
Shopman: Sorry, we're just closing down for good, Space X down the road might be able to help you.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad, I want to complain about this spacecraft.
Shopman. Oh yes, the Athena lander.What's er, what's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's what wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it. And when we launched it not two days ago from this very spacedrome, you assured me that its total lack of responsiveness was due to "Solar storms, unstable neutron patterns, a disturbance in the Force and the batteries running a bit low".
Shopman: No...it's just resting.
Customer: Resting? It's toppled over and has gone dead.
Shopman: The Athena works better on its side. Look at the beautiful lattice work in the upper control module.
etc etc

Welcome Home, Vowels

Here's a funny thing. In August 2021 the giant investment group Aberdeen Standard Life ditched nearly all of its name and presented a glittering, down-with-the-kids, cool, resonant and exhilarating new name - abrdn. That's right, out went the much respected Standard Life bit, the vowels were stripped away from the rest and they saved thousands of caps lock keys from jamming by binning the capital letter as well. 

This attracted much contumely from around the financial world but, most notably, in these very columns. The company became a laughing stock. My warnings went unheeded and the outcome all too predictable - employees of the unpronounceable enterprise found themselves publicly sneered at in the streets of the City, cat-called in coffee bars and satirised in the squash courts.  Matters reached breaking strain when the Chief Investment Officer declared that the risibility and jeers were "Corporate bullying". But he failed to draw the obvious conclusion and just doubled-down on the original, stupid, renaming decision.

All has changed. Today in a stunning U-turn, the company has gone rummaging through its waste bins, retrieved those long-lost 'Es' and resinstated them in their rightful place.

Source: AJ Bell

 

Should we let the church bells ring out and pop the corks in celebration of a victory for the English language? Perhaps. They omitted to find the capital 'A' and are stuck with the lower case. However they have added the word "group" to the name. Now this is going to increase the cost of typing and wear out more letters on their word processing keyboards [Do they still use those? Ed] and I would expect the markets to mark their shares down quite heftily once the implications sink in. Should I risk the Ramblings Retirement Fund on a quick flutter by selling their shares short, or should I leave it safely in the big blue-and-white striped jug on the mantlepiece?

That's What I Call History

 "Daddy, daddy, today in school we learned all about Queen Victoria"

"And what did you learn, my dear?"

"She was played by Judy Dench in a film called Mrs Brown or something, showing her joyfully regaining her humanity after her husband died, and also by Anna Neagle in 1937 in a little known film called Victoria the Great. And there was a depiction of her as a young woman by Emily Blunt, which was jolly good"

"Very good. That new history teacher certainly knows her stuff".

-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-&-

 

Well, what else are we to make of this ludicrous story featuring a man, the delightfully-named Barton Bendish, who unearthed some Roman silver coins recently.

source: BBC

 

Actually the story is not at all ludicrous. It is the strapline to the picture that commands our attention and deserves all the derision that we may summon up this chilly night in March.  For someone, hopefully for the sake of her career not the reporter Ms Katy Prickett of BBC Norfolk, but an anonymous droid deep in the bowels of Broadcasting House, has determined that nobody looking at the picture could possibly have a clue who Marcus Aurelius was unless he had been depicted in a film by an actor sufficiently well-known that no further bio details were needed. We learn that Richard Harris (Camelot, A Man Called Horse, Harry Potter) played Marcus in Gladiator and now we know all we need to know.

Had a bit-part extra taken the role in some obscure film, then the strapline would perhaps have been something like this:

Four of the coins date to the reign of Marcus Aurelius, who was played by Carrington Crankshaft in the long-forgotten 1953 Ealing comedy "Gor Blimey, Mr Caesar", starring Sid James, Margaret Lockwood, Bob Monkhouse and AE Matthews, with Sam Kydd as Cassius; Crankshaft also featured as First Corpse in Murder in Mayfair (1959), man in bus queue in Any More Fares, Please (1961) and man in football crowd in Everton vs West Ham, Match of the Day (1967), with the earliest dating from AD166.

 I have not seen Gladiator, apart from the "Are you not entertained?" clip and I have never been sure if Marcus, played by Harris, was or not. Perhaps the link is that he threw Spartacus or whoever he was [played by Mel Gibson: Ed] a bag of silver denarii and it was those very coins that were safely squirreled away in far-away Britannia. Could he ever have imagined that Barton Bendish (played by unknown child-star B. Bendish in A Xmas Video for Grandma, 1995, private distribution only) would unearth them nearly 2,000 years later. I imagine not.