Why, Oh Why...do I still watch the Apprentice? (No 8 in this long dead and suddenly revived series)

 I haven't had a "Why, oh why" moment for ages. In fact the last one was ten years ago [and jolly good it was too: Ed] but nothing ever vanishes completely here at Ramblings, they just hibernate in the big filing cabinet which I really must get around to dusting some time. 

Last night BBC1 screened episode 10 of the 19th series of The Apprentice. Mrs C. and I have watched it since the beginning. It might have been episode one of the very first series. Almost nothing has changed. Yes, the prize is now an investment in one's business rather than a "job" with Lord Sugar, yes the "trusted advisors" have changed and there is a far greater emphasis on designing, branding and pitching to "industry professionals", rather than tasks that engage directly with the public, but we still have a handful of people doing utterly unrealistic things that can only be done because a TV company is paying for them, all under huge pressure so that they will inevitably make mistakes, Lord Sugar can routinely insult them and dismiss one of them for anything that takes his fancy. 

"You were disruptive"
"You were too quiet"
"You should have overruled the project manager"
"You should have supported the project manager"
"You didn't sell"
"I haven't seen very much of you" and if he has no real reason, but has to fire someone
"I've got an instinct we won't get on"

The latest task was as meaningless as the rest - create a "fashion house" by sketching out designs for three garments, concoct a name and logo and play a ridiculous game with real buyers for "how many units" of these non-existent brands they will "buy". Yes, I know I am using up an unsustainable amount of quotation marks but only in proportion to the ridiculousness [Sigh:Ed] of this method to assess whether the candidate is someone whose business warrants an investment.

Every episode features exactly the same elements:

• The candidates, who sleep jammed in a couple of rooms even though they have a twelve bedroom mansion at their disposal, are woken stupidly early in the morning by a phone call. The phone is not placed helpfully on the landing where they sleep. One of them has to go downstairs (filmed all the while, of course) to answer it. It is a different person each episode. Then, having been told where they are about to be taken and that the cars will be outside in 20 minutes (or maybe 40 minutes if they are having a lie-in), they must rush upstairs shouting "Guys, guys, wake up, we're going to Shoeburyness " (or whatever).
• There follows a minute of clips of young people washing, dressing and grooming before marching out of the house to climb into the four black taxis waiting outside. I have always assumed that they would wash, dress and groom anyway but the producers obviously feel this bit is terribly important and so they always show it.
• There follows some utterly pointless speculation about why they are going to Shoeburyness. 
• They arrive, line up, face the grim faced Baroness Brady and the impassive Tim Campbell and await either the entrance of Sugar or his appearance on a TV screen.
• "Well, you might be wondering why you are here on the old winkle-picking pier at Shoeburyness" his lordship will say "Shoes are a very important part of the economy, we all wear them, the market is worth £500 billion  and today you are going to design your own range of footwear, from sandals to slip-ons, from walking shoes to high-fashion dress shoes, plus Wellington boots, mountain climbing boots and football boots. Oh, and kids' shoes suitable both for school and the playground. You must then brand them, make a video and pitch it to industry experts and I'll see you back in the boardoom tonight where someone in the losing team will be fired" [A bit of exaggeration in this bit for heightened comic effect: Ed]
•  The teams then choose a project manager and a subteam leader, discuss their assignment vaguely and then march back to the cars to begin a hectic schedule of designing, filming and pitching. The two parts of each team are kept separated and only permitted one short contact, via a phone call in which it is customary for each to despair at the other's interpretation of the brief. The phone must be held horizontal to the ground and not, as intended by mobile phone designers, to the ear where it works most efficiently.
• The tasks finish to the accompaniment (on-screen) of a musical soundtrack with an increasingly urgent tempo and are edited to make it impossible for the viewers to understand which team is doing better.
• The teams file into the "boardroom", where there are insufficient chairs so that some must stand awkwardly behind those who sit.
• Lord Sugar emerges and always begins his opening remarks with "Well". "Well, today's task was about selling guns to insurgents in central Africa" or "Well, I laid on for you to run a whelk stall in Scunthorpe"
• When he asks his trusted advisors to reveal the financial results, he starts with Baroness Brady who always replies "Erm, well, Alan". Sugar then always says "Tim, the same question to you"
• We know, from what past candidates have said, that the boardroom sessions last several hours and involve very close questioning of how the tasks were managed. But very little of this is shown in the programme. Instead we must endure Sugar's weak puns which he delivers as though he was the third understudy in a failing pantomime who has spent the last five minutes frantically trying to learn them backstage.

There is one episode each series which breaks out of this stifling mould. The 11th is always the interview stage and here, with the candidates finally forced to explain what their businesses are about and why they want Sugar's cash, in front of four very able and determined appraisers. Most fans will relish Claude Littner's "It's a bloody disgrace" demolition of Solomon Akhtar in 2014 as the pinnacle of the art, but my favourite moment was in 2022 when Mike Soutar asked Kathryn Burn about the web site that was a key part of her business, and if she owned it. The candidate was not sure. Mike was. He had bought it himself when his investigation showed that the candidate had failed to register it.

I'm not going to bother discussing the final. If Sugar hasn't already decided which candidate and plan he likes best after the preceding 11 episodes, then clearly it doesn't matter which he chooses. And if he has decided, then the final is a sham. Either way, it is for me the least interesting part of the process. 

Is it worth sticking with the preceding 10 episodes to enjoy the demolition of the interviews? That is what we must ask ourselves. And each year I decide it is not but somehow, each year, I end up watching them anyway.

 

 

Thule is now Roman: Casca

Senator Casca, the close associate of Roman Imperator Senator Cassius, departed from Ostia this morning at the head of a fleet of galleys bound for Ultima Thule, writes our correspondent who just can't get the taste of garum out of his mouth. Speaking to a small crowd of dock workers and slaves, the Senator said he was going to wrest control of Thule from the Thulians and bring it under Roman control.  Pouring a libation to Neptune (and tasting most of it himself), he proclaimed that nothing could stop him. With banners flying, and to the triumphant sound of many trumpets, the fleet departed.

Two hours later the galleys returned and Senator Casca made a short address to a gathering of a few fish wives and donkey drivers. "We made excellent progress" he announced "but unfortunately nobody knows where Thule is, so we return to seek the guidance of the gods". He then sought out the leading importer of Greek wines for "important talks".

It is believed messengers rode swiftly to Rome and returned within the hour. People loitering outside the wine shop claim to have heard raised voices and the phrase "Cassius says get back out there or it will be your turn to get a dagger up the toga".

Shortly afterwards the Senator emerged on the dock, declared that Mars had shown him the way, drank several libations intended for Neptune and made his unsteady way up the gangplank to his flagship. The fleet then departed, under the Senator's comand of "Left hand down a bit" and a couple of bugle calls.

Towards the middle of the afternoon the galleys returned. Sen. Casca was assisted ashore on the arms of two Nubian slaves and stood weaving a little on an empty dockside (save for your correspondent) before proclaiming that Thule was conquered, Senator Cassius was now worshipped there as a god, and that he, Casca, was going to spend some private time on his estates. He then rode away to an unspecified destination.

Parthia: Not concerned about Thule

Reports from traders arriving from the East say that the Parthian authorities are "relaxed" about Rome's claim to Ultima Thule. Comments include "They can do what they want there", "Hopefully they will all drown at the ocean's edge" and "We'll take Syria, let them have Thule, Britannia and any other waste land they like".

Cassius: Massive leak of entire war plans "Not a problem"

 Imperator Cassius has dealt swiftly with those accusing his administration of "incompetence beyond even the Batavians", following the disclosure that a complete set of scrolls containing the entire Roman order of battle, plans for the invasion of Parthia and conquest of China, as well as the occupation of Ultima Thule, were handed over to the Parthian ambassador two weeks ago writes our correspondent, who is still trying to find someone to launder his toga. Senator Cassius, speaking in the Senate yesterday said "I don't know what the fuss is about. Those Parthians can't even read. They won't have the faintest idea what to do with the scrolls. Sure, there are details about how the XIV Legio will march east from Aleppo whilst the XII Legio with auxiliaries strike north up from Damascus but the gods will surely protect our troops who even now are assuredly scattering the enemy and laying waste their cities".

Asked if this meant Rome was now at war with Parthia, the Imperator said "I am dedicated to peace and will never break a treaty sworn solemnly before Jupiter. Those troops are simply there for our security and to prevent Parthians from illegally crossing the border".

Questioned by Senator Cicero as to how Parthians could illegally cross a border when Rome and Parthia did not in fact have a common border, the Imperator took some time to consult with a scribe, then accused the Senator of being a "bottom-dwelling scum of a journalist" and refused to answer further questions. 

---------Breaking News---------

According to sailors newly arrived from Antioch, the XIV legio has been wiped out by an ambush on the Aleppo road, the XII legio is surrounded by an army that "came out of nowhere" and the auxiliaries have mysteriously all resigned and gone back to being farmers. 

Pythons in Space

Customer: Good Morning, I wish to register a complaint.
Shopman: Sorry, we're just closing down for good, Space X down the road might be able to help you.
Customer: Never mind that, my lad, I want to complain about this spacecraft.
Shopman. Oh yes, the Athena lander.What's er, what's wrong with it?
Customer: I'll tell you what's what wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it. And when we launched it not two days ago from this very spacedrome, you assured me that its total lack of responsiveness was due to "Solar storms, unstable neutron patterns, a disturbance in the Force and the batteries running a bit low".
Shopman: No...it's just resting.
Customer: Resting? It's toppled over and has gone dead.
Shopman: The Athena works better on its side. Look at the beautiful lattice work in the upper control module.
etc etc

Welcome Home, Vowels

Here's a funny thing. In August 2021 the giant investment group Aberdeen Standard Life ditched nearly all of its name and presented a glittering, down-with-the-kids, cool, resonant and exhilarating new name - abrdn. That's right, out went the much respected Standard Life bit, the vowels were stripped away from the rest and they saved thousands of caps lock keys from jamming by binning the capital letter as well. 

This attracted much contumely from around the financial world but, most notably, in these very columns. The company became a laughing stock. My warnings went unheeded and the outcome all too predictable - employees of the unpronounceable enterprise found themselves publicly sneered at in the streets of the City, cat-called in coffee bars and satirised in the squash courts.  Matters reached breaking strain when the Chief Investment Officer declared that the risibility and jeers were "Corporate bullying". But he failed to draw the obvious conclusion and just doubled-down on the original, stupid, renaming decision.

All has changed. Today in a stunning U-turn, the company has gone rummaging through its waste bins, retrieved those long-lost 'Es' and resinstated them in their rightful place.

Source: AJ Bell

 

Should we let the church bells ring out and pop the corks in celebration of a victory for the English language? Perhaps. They omitted to find the capital 'A' and are stuck with the lower case. However they have added the word "group" to the name. Now this is going to increase the cost of typing and wear out more letters on their word processing keyboards [Do they still use those? Ed] and I would expect the markets to mark their shares down quite heftily once the implications sink in. Should I risk the Ramblings Retirement Fund on a quick flutter by selling their shares short, or should I leave it safely in the big blue-and-white striped jug on the mantlepiece?